Nuway2fly

Toomutch, I feel for you so much. Thank God you are alive today. Do not drink today. Take longbeach's advice. Get some help to get over the acute phase of drying out. Your life is infinitely valuable, because you are unique in the universe. You are worth the fight.

Nuudawn

So much wisdom Endgame.

Toomuch...glad you're here today. It sounds like you may have finally created the opportunity for you to face this. You have outed yourself to your family and your bf.

Welcome back.

afloatsober

This is a progressive illness.
It gets worse, never better.
Your partner won't have the heart for this forever.
You know that.
Perhaps time to pull out all stops.
Doctor, therapy, AA, other programes, rehab, the list of options is substiantial.
Sadly, after i lost everything and everyone i became willing to go to ANY lengths.
I fear we must be willing to get out of our comfort zone and be prepared to do anything to get well.
This will involve taking advice offered, taking the help proffered, and wanting it so much it hurts!!!!!!!...
I wish you well.
G

lommey

sending you all my love and hope. Please talk to your family they will help. I don't have parents or brothers or sisters but I have two best friends. Ito felt ashamed when I told them yesterday my marriage was over and the reason for that was because im an alcoholic. The love and support that came from them was amazing. I also cried my eyes out so that was embarrassing too. your family love you let them help. if it was the other way round and your brother needed help wouldn't you want to be there for him. Be brave and talk youll be glad . I wish id done it sooner

Jeni26

Toomutch, I have been in the same place as you. It is a dark and lonely place to be in when you can no longer see a way forward, and when shame of your actions overwhelm you.

My behaviour was dreadful when I was drinking. I became someone I didn't know or like. I was loud, reckless in my actions and, yes, at times aggressive. I hurt other people and myself a lot. I destroyed property and was an over-emotional mess. I lost count of how many sorrys I had to say to others. Over and over again in fact. I promised myself every..single..time...that it would never happen again. But our alcoholic brains re-write history so inevitably I would fall for the lies again. 'It wasn't THAT bad', 'I will make this time the last time', 'if I drink only at home, I won't make a fool of myself any more'...

You are not alone having huge regrets. I had suicidal thoughts on many occasions. I spent time planning it all in meticulous detail. I told myself that if things didn't improve I would do it the following weekend. When it came, I thought through whether I was ready yet, and put it off for the next few days. Suicide never came because I got sober, found AA, worked through the steps and made my amends to those I'd hurt.

You have people who love you, who want to help. Let them in. You can do this. It need never happen again.

I don't know what you've tried before, but do something radical. Rehab would be good.

You're surrounded by love at home, and we are here for you on SR. Take it one day at a time and use any support you can.

My life now is....well lets just say I've never been as happy as I am right now. I've got my future back. Stick with it x

ScottFromWI

Lots of great replies here TooMutch. I am glad you are here today.

All I'd add is that every relapse or binge gets worse. And things are currently bad, very very bad. They cannot get much worse.

None of us can make you get help, but you need it. I would wager that things are probably beyond your control at this point - i'd suggest you pursue inpatient rehab.

martina12

Endgame I am in tears you have enlightened me and helped me understand a lot more where my beloved AH is...a very dark place. This is such an awful disease to deal with...hoping that we can all find the strength each day to try to find ways to recover and share those success stories with each other no matter how small those baby steps are in the right direction xx

Renarde

I really hope you get local, in person, professional help. I keep reading in your posts that what you need to get sober is SR. SR alone isn't working! You have been here every day and this is getting worse for you. Please seek out medical attention today! You, your children, your family - you're worth it.

Toomutch

I'm doing better and no longer intending to hurt myself. I have been hospitalized so many times for these impulses and actions that I have learned some coping skills. I do plan on staying sober, it will be very hard work but I feel determined.

ScottFromWI

I would still encourage you to seek some kind of help in your plan to stay sober TooMutch. Doesn't have to be AA but something besides sheer willpower. I'm sure you didn't intend to do any of the things you did last night either, but as we all know once the first drink gets picked up all bets are off. What we all need a plan for is to not pick up that first drink. If we can do that one thing, it solves almost all the other problems by itself.

Carlotta

I can relate to you Toomutch, drinking got me seriously suicidal and like you I had five years sober then relapsed.
I hope you seek face to face help and I am glad you now realize that moderation is NOT an option for you.
Why don't you join us at the 24 hours club to get started? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4188064

Toomutch

Took a nap and woke up feeling awful, both physically and mentally. I just really don't like myself. I am not planning on ending my life but I do wish I would die. I'm going to an AA meeting on Friday and possibly tomorrow. But there isn't a meeting that is going to teach me to love myself. Thank God right now for SR and all the wonderful people.

deeker

Toomutch, I was so sad to read this. Please don't end it. You will find so much hope at an AA meeting. Keep coming to the 24 hour club Too! We all want to support you! It's gonna be ok! Here is a link to an AA Big Book.

Why don't you start reading it. It will explain so much. I am here if u need a friend.

Big Book Online Fourth Edition

Linked with Permission Of AA World Services,inc

jaynie04

My therapist drew a picture of serotonin molecules like little pac men trying to swim up and pouring alcohol on them just drowns them....I know completely Fred Flintstone simple but it stuck with me. Alcohol makes us depressed.

When you are stuck like you are I would really really suggest calling a doctor. You don't need to muscle through this.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you are going to a meeting TooMutch. I am not in AA myself but I know it s a great place for many. And i would argue that if you let it, a meeting could help you learn how to like yourself - maybe even love yourself eventually. Recovery is precisely about that - learning how to live your life, be true with yourself and not purposfully hurt yourself by dumping poison down our throats every day.

It will get better if you don't pick up. You might not see it now but please believe us, and me.

laana

Hey, you are beautiful, dont beat yourself up too much at all. 5 years is so amazing and it really shows to me you are a really strong person, I am in envy! I really am.
So you slipped and it showed you how bad alcohol affects you, it does not say ANYTHING about you.

I also struggle with self love, oh so much, it is really painful to me that I am the one harming myself but I am starting somehow to understand that it is not really "me" doing the harm, it is an addiction that has clouded my whole being for so long it is hard to see the beautiful part that is really ME.

From reading your posts I see clearly that you are a person very worthy of love and with a lot of love to give...and it seems you have many people in your life agreeing to this, reach out.

Please take care xxxx

Dee74

do you have a therapist right now S? Can you talk to them?

D

Sasha4

Do you remember the message I sent you Suze, when I was here and I had a different user name?

I said that I loved your posts and I was drawn to reading what you wrote here, that I thought you were amazing. I thought you were funny and a kind hearted person and I wanted you to be my friend?

You were so wise when you advised me. You were so together with your life and your friends and your family. I wanted to be like you.

This was before my baby was born and she will be 4 years old next month!

This, how you are now, Suze, this is not you!

Life has just been turned upside a little with recent events.
But you are still the beautiful, smart, together woman I first met at SR.
You just need to take a bit more care of yourself. Maybe be on your guard a bit more.

And it is that beautiful woman your boyfriend has upped sticks and moved for!
You need to get back to being that woman. And you can do it! You know you can you have done it for so long already.

It sounds like you are in the honeymoon of your new relationship and when that happens for a lot of us, there have been times when we have wanted to drink, to get carried away a bit. Do all the romance and the falling in the love bit over a romantic drink.

You can turn this around. You can make it better. I know you can and you will.

Now start making your family and your kids proud again xx

13unluckyforsom

Sasha that was so thoughtful of you. Such a lovely message.

Toomutch

Sasha if you could would you send me a pm and tell me what name you used before?