Indenial618

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. It's been over 11 years now that I have been trying to quit for good. I go months or weeks and then I think I'll be ok and pick up that darn drink. I'm powerless. The anxiety, sweating and heart racing that comes the next morning should be enough. I'm feeling like that now. Almost had a week but I'm just too stupid. I hate this feeling. I hate being hungover and the self loathing that comes with it. I feel so good when I don't drink and so much more productive. Why do I keep doing this to myself?? Why don't I remember how awful this feels. Please God, if there is a time I have needed you before, I really need you now. I'm sure God is tired of hearing me say that too.

Kevin78

I feel very much the same, Although I am only 1-2 weeks sober inbetween binges. I have tried numerous things to prevent relapsing, Even praying, although I don't go to a church of any sort. I have decided I am going to try AA again. I feel this is the only way I can replan my recovery. I'm just worried about going back.

Indenial618

Thanks for the reply Kevin. I'm not a churchgoer either. I have however been praying lately and it does seen to calm me. Recently I've gone a few weeks between binges but usually it's a few days. I'm thinking of AA also. I've done it in the past and haven't had a very good experience with it. I'm hoping this time around may be different. I say this everything I wake up hungover, but I really can't do this anymore. I've been lurking here for months and use to be a big poster here years ago under another name.

Ghostlight1

Been there. I tried quiting for many years. In fact, I joined here six years ago (under a different name) and have been sober two years eight months. Took me awhile.
Quiting is possible. I was a bad drunk. It took prayer and a belief in a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. It's worked.

AA is a good idea, as many here will attest. You need to quit drinking more than you want to drink. In short, getting sick and tired of being sick and tired.

If I had continued, there's no telling what would have happened. I dread to think about it.
Keep reading and posting here, it's a great resource.

I wish you the best.

Mountainmanbob

sounds like you may be alcoholic ?




Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.

Kevin78

Sounds very similar to my experiences. I think praying helps takes your mind off it. Anything at all that keeps you busy. I work as a taxi driver, so missing a lot of time away from work. It can get lonely at times. I need to set myself acihevable targets in my recovery from this.

whiskeyman

Never EVER worry about going back.
We have all been there and I for one do remember when i felt like that.
I try and remember every day.

If you do not recieve welcoming arms, go to another group.

Please come back

Kevin78

Thanks Whiskeyman. I will go back. I was welcomed when I went before, and never had any negative experiences.

alphaomega

Welcome Indenial. I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly. Your post reminds me of the desperation I carried just 6 short weeks ago. A couple hours of pleasure followed by days of misery. Seems like an awful return on your investment no ?

The anxiety and desperation led me to "quit " after every nightly binge. I drank roughly 4 nights a week for 20 years at least. I figured I quit 4996 times. And that doesn't include the hamster wheel in my head that thought about it. Constantly.

If you can go a week, that's awesome. Because you have already proven to yourself how wonderful life is without alcohell.

Keep taking it one day at a time and before you know it, it will be a month.

Be well.

jutam

I got sick and tired of being sick and tired eventually . I nearly died and didn't care anymore..... and was still happy to drink!!! Seriously, we are suckers for punishment

Alcoholism is a chronically relapsing issue its different things for different people that make us get off the treadmill.... I hope you find what it is for you.
There was a long time I didn't want to do it anymore, but I hadn't had enough either.... its absolute insanity

so many of us have been where you are.
Don't stop trying and welcome your self out of denial

misspond

Hey InDenial, there are so many of us here who have been through or are going through the same thing. Just remember you're not on your own now. Keep reading and you'll understand more, keep posting and even more understanding will come, and make sure you read around through different threads as there is useful information and enlightenment here. xx

soberclover

It's hard to explain but at some point you will just realize that it is the right time for change. I hope your time is now

Indenial618

Thank you everyone. I just spoke with my husband and told him not to let me drink or buy me wine when I ask him too. He doesn't drink at all, like ever. He doesn't like alcohol. It will be easier for me now that I laid my cards on the table and he is 100% supportive. I can do this. I want this. I love waking up clear headed. The only time in the last ten years I have enjoyed a good length of sobriety is when I've been pregnant with our children. I obviously cannot just be pregnant all the time. I need to start saying sober some can be a better mom and wife and for my health. Thanks for you're support everyone. I will definitely be coming around here more often.

AlefVavResh

Indenial - Laying my cards on the table with my family was a good move for me, too. And you're doing much better than I was with the praying. I used to say, "Please God, help me hide those bottles from my husband. I'll quit tomorrow." I really like AA. Now I feel I'm accountable to three groups. My family, SR, and AA friends.