Well that escalated quickly.
 

I guess I'm not surprised. I've been like this my whole life. I don't listen until I learn for myself.

My parents said "Don't ever smoke a cigarette, you can get addicted so easily" I said "pish...I won't get addicted, I just want one" Smoked 12 years before I quit.
My friends said "Don't date that guy, he's a loser" I said "Oh I can change him...a year later finally broke out of a very damaging relationship, alone and pregnant.
And then even positive things.They said"Selling a house is stressful and expensive" I said "Oh selling doesn't cost, it's too exciting to be really stressful"
Having more children even, "Oh you have no idea how your life will change, nothing will be the same" they said. "Not us" I said, "Another baby will just be an added bonus" HAHAHA

My point is, all of you supportive experienced people could've warned me until you were blue in the face, and I still wouldn't have listened.

Me on my anniversary in June "OH, I just had one glass of wine and it wasn't even worth it, I won't be drinking anymore!"
All of you guys "You shouldn't have done that""Not worth it" "Be careful!" etc etc etc.

On June 3rd I had one glass of wine, fast forward a little over 3 months later,and slowly but surely increasing my drinking, last Friday I had somewhere around 12-16 beers and did stupid, foolish things that I regret. I have gained 8 pounds back, my skin broke out in acne, my digestive system is in uproar, my heartburn is back, my face is puffy again, and I am out of shape, again.

I am so deeply dissapointed this happened. All of my hard work, gone. All of my lovely, lovely milestones, gone.

The hangover I had on Saturday was the worst I have ever had and I think there was more to it than just a hangover, I think it was something in my core-being saying "Things are NOT OK in here"
I felt like my body was shutting down and that I was losing my mind. I read online forums about hangover anxiety and found the truest sentence ever "I just want to be out of this fake, scary world."

That is where I was that day. In a fake, scary world.

I don't know where to go from here, since I lost faith in myself. How am I suppose to talk myself out of myself??

This is my 4th day sober. What happens when I want to drink on Sat night and I feel good and I feel like ahhh no problem.

What do I do????
When is the lesson finally learned??
What finally tips the scales?

This is beautiful.

What you are going to do is you are going to come here and reread this heartfelt post and you are going to reach out here and let us help you get through it.

Be well.

You live - you learn.

You had an amazing change before and you can do it again. This time you will be able to apply the lessons learned.

Only you can stop this roller coaster - as you said we can advise you till next julaugust but if you can't see it and want it for yourself then none of us can make you do it.

I'm like you in the sense that advise is wasted on me a lot of the time - I have to see things for myself - no matter if 100 people tell me - if I can't see it then I can't see it lol I don't know why or what it's about or what I can do to change it but it certainly makes things harder than they need to be sometimes.

I hope you can stay away from drinking it sounds like its causing you problems. Have you got a plan? Have you anybody you can speak to?

Wow I remember you, and your post!!!!!! It's one that still stick in my mind! A glass of zin out with your husband right?

Thank you for your honesty! And your wisdom. You've got all that sober time behind you and the knowledge that the grass truly is greener over here!

Welcome home (hug)

Dear Artic, Thanks for sharing your story. It is really so helpful for me to read stories like this. It seems to happen all the time... where you think, "just one". I struggle with that "just one" mentality, but I am also very much aware what will happen if I have "just one".

When ever I get the great idea to have "just one", I now think that one drink through. I ask now ask myself, "What will most likely happen if I just have one?" I know it most likely will not be pretty and I just hate thinking of the place that that "just one drink" may take me.

It is not worth it at all.

My best to you,

4S

I don't know whether or not you were involved in treatment, a program, or reliable face-to-face support while you were getting sober. Either way, this is a good time to do something different since what you were doing did not help you.

Hi Arctic,
What are we twins or something? You sound just like me. I never listened to the wisdom of others. I always had to test it myself. As I've gotten older, I'm getting so much better with that so that's something to look forward to.

You wrote about your experience so well. Thank you for sharing that. It helped me.

I don't know but underneath all that you sound like a positive person. Only a positive person would look at situations like you came up to and would say it can be different. I'm like that. Unfortunately I found out that some warnings should be heeded. Like the ones that involve drinking...and bad relationships.

It's called experience Arctic. You have it now. Take all that experience and focus on the lesson you can learn from it. What works and what doesn't. That is one good thing from this. I know that for me, I never have to question it again. I know from experience life is better when I don't drink. I've tried it both ways. Now I know.

You can do it! Just think about what you learned from this and move forward. Change what you can and keep the optimistic view that everything will be great and positive for the things you can't change.

You probably don't feel optimistic now but I would like to think you are. I want you to see all that you learned have hope it will work out and make you stronger. That's the optimist in me.

It's a new day.

Welcome back ArticSA. A very responsible and gutsy move by you to bring all this out into the open on your behalf. We've all ignored the warnings of others in the past, just like you have. The difference between those that get sober and those that don't has to come from within...the warnings can help but as you now know very personally, none of it is worth a hill of beans until you admit that YOU are the one who has to change.

I highlighted your passage about the hangover and your feelings, and also your question about "what finally tips the scales" because that's what finally did it for me. I had gone in and out of attempts ad moderation, temporary sobriety etc, and then the last time around I felt just like you described. Laying in bed after a holiday week ( Christmas and New Years ) where I pretty much drank all day, every day for the entire time as I was off work the week in between the holidays. That next Monday I had a work meeting scheduled out of town and woke up knowing that there was something WRONG with me. Not just a regular hangover but something wrong with the core of my existence. I realized then and there that it HAD to stop. So far it's been OK, tough but SO much better.

I welcome you back and hope that this is the moment that finally tips the scales for you. Be honest, be humble, and ask ( and accept ) help when you need it.

Hi ArticSA-

I am glad you are back. That post took lots of courage. I remember when you were doing really well... you can get back to that happy spot.

You know what has worked for me is really remembering how bad that next day anxiety is. It is a horrible place to be in, a dark place.... I am really glad I am not there today. You don't have to ever go back.

Jess

Wow. Thank you so much for your honesty in the first post in this thread. I've been in your exact shoes so many times. It's important us alcoholics remember that alcoholism is a progressive illness. I know today that if I take that first drink after sixty days of not drinking that I'll pick right back up where I ended my drinking on July 19 and it'll only get worse.

Wishing you the best in your recovery. You're in a good place. SR has been a tremendous help to me. Checking in with my July club is still one of the first things I do on a daily basis when I wake up in the morning.

I met a new AA friend for a coffee this afternoon. We were talking about what really makes sobriety stick for some and not for others. Of course we didn't reach any real conclusions as these things aren't very predictable, but he reckoned at ten years plus sober that one huge factor is memory. He suggested that lodging memories of the worst you felt, the worst scenarios, psychological traumas or whatever as a reminder so that when tempted they can be dredged up is a real help. I agree with him and have as it happens used that 'tool' a couple of times over the last few days.

Arctic...for what it is worth..I joined SR November 15, 2011...

Since then I have gone back and forth constrantly struggling....I finally made a decision 8 weeks ago....prior to that I had a month....started again and quickly slide, like you.

We are all different in some ways...I can only say for me posted each day on SR has been helping...This week end...after 8 weekends without drinking, was the first one where I was not craving and feeling like I missed something....I actually felt good.

You know what you have to do...you know it is worth it, or I don't beleive that you would be posting.....It is a struggle, but one that is worth it...Consider joining the under one year thread.......great support...

Jim

Yepper. A "harmless" glass of zin at the restaurant that wasn't even that enjoyable.

Yes, I do NOT want to ever go back there, to that Hell. Yet every time I convince myself I won't drink enough to get that mega-super-hangover. Sometimes I don't, sometimes I do.

Wow your original post back in June danced in my head.....at that point I was still clinging that one day I could drink normally!

I'm so glad you're back I think besides helping you (obviously most importantly) you will help alot of us!

Have a feeling this post of yours is also going to stay with me for a while!

Hi Arctic, when you feel tempted, come back here and read your post. Best wishes to you.

Take it a day at a time and don't beat yourself up. Your "one glass" turned into four months. Mine turned into four years. So you're catching on waaaayyyy quicker than I did :)

One craving at a time.

Welcome back. You lived in soberland before and you can certainly return. I'm sure your old house is around here somewhere. It's probably going to take a little work to get it back in shape. Roll up your sleeves and get at it.

I know it was extremely important and helpful to me to focus on the 'now" in my early days (it's probably just a habit now). I could only commit to not drinking "right now" and facing each situation as they arrived..sober.

Ya see..thing is it's always now :wiggle:

It's scary isn't it how quickly it escalates :(

It's good to see you back here Arctic :)