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Boyfriend won't move on from my recent binge

Old 09-16-2013, 05:33 PM
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Boyfriend won't move on from my recent binge

So, I got drunk on Friday night and it was a doozy, shots in a bar, an afterparty , fell down and got mystery bruises on my arms, legs and, posterior. This episode was outside of my boyfriend's presence. I told him last night that I am done with these binges, that I am planning to use AVRT, but that I did get drunk Friday and that while I regret doing so, I am eager to move on and get myself together - that I will not binge again once the bruises are gone like I have in the past. Since then he's been scolding me for getting drunk and keeps asking me for the gory details as far as the origin of each bruise, what time this or that occurred during the binge (like I have a clear memory), and asking over and over "What were you thinking!" Shouting and slamming doors.

I understand him being skeptical and acknowledge that my drunken behavior has been embarrassing to him in the past but it's so upsetting, stressful and demoralizing to sit here being shouted at and berated when I am trying hard to stop beating myself up about my mistake. I want so badly to move forward. Does anyone have any advice on how to explain this to him in "normalese" language?
The upside is I have no desire to drink, at least. Sheesh...
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:38 PM
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Hey Jesternudder, if Friday is not the first time you've gotten bruises and binge drinking is a pattern for you, he is probably frustrated. Think of yourself as an empty glass. Every time you drink after you've told him that you'll stop put a little bit of **** into that glass. Eventually you will be full of it.
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:38 PM
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Normalese? Yes, say 'shut up already, I heard and understood you the first time, the rest of this is just you being a jerk.'
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:43 PM
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All of his griping and questions will not help you move forward. He needs to hear that loud and clear.
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:46 PM
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I hope the two of you can work this out and come to a peaceful conclusion.
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:04 PM
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Jesternutter.....my guess is he's scared. He doesn't understand why you binge, why you don't see the danger. He wants to do something, but doesn't know how to get through to you. He fears for you and for himself.

Help him understand. Let him know all the steps you are taking to get sober and that you know the bruises and binging are dangerous. I know you've said...show it though because he probably won't believe you.

"Normal" people don't understand alcoholism. Communicate and give him some time and patience...
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:09 PM
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Normalese? He is not normal, he is a codie. Normal people do not stick around an alcoholic GF or BF. First sign of trouble early in the relationship and it is bye bye birdie.
You should visit the Friends and Family forum when you feel better so you can read first hand what loving an alcoholic does to people.
Anyway, just give him some space right now and focus on your sobriety. Best way is to show him by becoming and staying sober. Do it for you. Right now you don t have to explain anything, just take action and take care of yourself.
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:19 PM
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Have you read any posts on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section of the forum? It's eye-opening. Our loved ones experience a lot of frustration, sadness, dissappointment, and anger because of our drinking, especially if we've been drinking for a long time.

I think in this case actions will speak louder than words. Show him you mean what you say. Let this be the impetus to grab on to sobriety and never let go.

Best to you,

June
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:26 PM
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Ha, Carlotta! I was writing as you were posting the same advice. :-)

June
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:30 PM
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I apologize if I my post came across as harsh! I have been single for two years specifically because I did not want anyone to see that I had a problem, which my last BF did immediately. The pressure I felt from him to be sober only pushed me further into drinking. You can only get sober on YOUR terms. Let him know that in order for you to succeed in sobriety, you need SUPPORT and ENCOURAGEMENT, and that chastising you will only make matters worse. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future! Remember: serious people do serious things. Best of luck!
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:35 PM
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People often have different opinions on this 'friends and family' thing. I am however completely sure that repeated berating and door slamming in a relationship is not acceptable in non-alcohol related situations either. Neither the loved ones of alcoholics or alcoholics deserve that.
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:37 PM
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You guys are acting out a very codependent dance.

Perhaps you can get him to go to an alanon meeting, or read a book? Codependent no more is a good one.

Unfortunately for you, the best think for him is to detach from you. Not care whether or not you drink. This doesnt mean he cannot care for you, but its extremely unhealthy to try and run your recovery.

He needs to realize that he has no control over your drinking, your addiction or you personally.

He's trying to control your drinking by guilting you, and getting mad, perhaps making ultimatums.
And you are very likely to get pissed off and resentful about him acting like a dick, and go out and drink about it.

Sound familiar?
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by jesternudder View Post
I understand him being skeptical and acknowledge that my drunken behavior has been embarrassing to him in the past but it's so upsetting, stressful and demoralizing to sit here being shouted at and berated when I am trying hard to stop beating myself up about my mistake. I want so badly to move forward. Does anyone have any advice on how to explain this to him in "normalese" language?
The upside is I have no desire to drink, at least. Sheesh...
I don't know what the AVRT program has to say about making amends but the AA program has plenty. LOL. Perhaps someone more familiar with AVRT than I am can advise you.

Most people in my life never did "get" what I was trying to explain to them - including my mom who I KNOW would gladly lay her life down for mine. They simply never had the same experience as me so they couldn't (and didn't feel like) really walk a mile in my shoes.

In my case, I wanted the ppl around me to understand where I was coming for one main reason - to make my recovery more comfortable for me. Given the hypothetical option of 1. they totally understand but don't change their behavior toward me or 2. they don't understand but start to treat me more like I want them to....... If I was honest......I would have admitted I wanted door #2.

Admitting that ^^^^^, then looking back at my actions in the past toward and around that person, and most of what I discovered was the same sort of selfish, all-about-me thinking and acting. And here I was, once again, wanting things my way for my benefit.

I thought about good things for others......but rarely put any actions behind those thoughts. I wanted my thinking to suffice. But when it came to me, they darn well better put it into action. And that's why I brought up the amends step in AA. Working it forced me to take actions with the sole purpose being what can I DO to repair the damage I've done to YOU. Nothing in it for me, no discussion of how I felt cheated or slighted or short-changed.......just me talking about how I've hurt them and then what I can do to repair the damage and right the wrong. The actions I followed up with......that told them precisely in "normalese" what I was up to. All my talking before that was just, well, talk.
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:42 PM
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Thanks to all of you for your responses. He sat on the porch to chill for a bit and then ended up telling me a long round about story about an incident that occurred when he was a teenager but the moral of that story is basically that he cannot grasp how "otherwise brilliant people can do such stupid things". Then he went and bought me some chocolate milk. So, you are all right with the frustration, fear theories. And I know I need to put my money where my mouth is - or rather keep my money in my wallet instead of squandering it on alcohol. I need to realize that he'll believe it when he sees it.
Gosh I was just feeling so cornered and attacked at the time I posted. Thanks all for being here, so helpful. And I am going to spend some time reading in the FF forum, too.
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Old 09-16-2013, 07:26 PM
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Honestly, I myself can't grasp why brilliant people like us do such stupid things like get fall-down drunk either! Seriously, I think that's what's so confounding about our problem...Anyway, one thing we can all agree on is that chocolate milk does make things much better, right?
I hope you and your BF can figure out ways to handle both your pain and struggles in ways that are respectful and caring.

Best to you,

June
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Old 09-16-2013, 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Junegirl View Post
...Anyway, one thing we can all agree on is that chocolate milk does make things much better, right?
Yessssssssss! So chocolatey!
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Old 09-16-2013, 09:21 PM
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His comment perfectly describes what all of us know, and what normal folks will never get. That alcohol, and being addicted, has NOTHING to do with intelligence. It's an equal opportunity offender.

Glad things have settled a bit.

There's another book, under the influence, which describes what happens physiologically. Maybe he would get some insight from that?
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