pennylane2009

Hi everyone,

I'm back, hopefully this time will stick. I'm on day 16 -- the longest I've been able to stay sober for a few years. My drinking was getting out of control, and I'm on a good recovery path right now.

I haven't talked to my husband about what I'm doing, because last time I went sober for a year, he was very adamant that he didn't believe I was an alcoholic. I don't think he really has a good grasp on how much I actually drink -- I was hiding drinks at the end, and still haven't had that hard discussion with him.

I have been trying to get ready to talk to him, but now I think I might be too late. I was sitting down at our shared laptop last night when a Facebook chat message popped up -- he's been chatting with an ex-girlfriend about their mutual love and admiration for each other. Mostly reminiscing about old stuff, but at one point he told her he still loves her. She lives a few states away, but last night he was starting to make plans to see her. These messages were popping up while I was trying to figure out when my son's cross country practice start.

I feel like I can't breath. This was last night, and I don't know what to do with this information, or how to process it. He hasn't done anything yet, as far as I can tell. I know I have been drinking a lot and probably fairly checked out on him, so maybe this shouldn't be a surprise. I am very very averse to diving in to conflict, so I don't know how to talk to him about this or if I should.

I would like to drink, if only to anesthetize these panic attacks I've been getting since last night. Waves of nausea, sweating, tingling hands and feet. I hate this feeling and, in the past, would do anything to get it to stop.

TucTee

Alcohol won't fix anything. That's the first thing to realize. Your husband is certainly not doing the right thing, but you shouldn't let that derail your progress. You don't need the added stress of relapse on top of everything.

jesternudder

I am a veteran of panic attacks and know how awful they are and how the drive to grasp for any potential lifeline for "relief"is.
You've done well to post here. The situation would be the same even if you drank, you would just be less able to address it.

GotGrace

Oh, Penny, what a terrible spot to be in. I am sorry. I second what Tuc said: alcohol will not help this situation one bit, it will only make it worse. Find a way to keep busy, a long walk to help clear your head maybe? Then deal with each event with a clear head, knowing that alcohol will not drive you to do or say anything impulsive. Best of luck to you!

misspond

That must have been a great shock and I admire your ability to understand that you have had a part to play in all of this, that you've been "checked out." Still, try and ride through the anxiety and don't be tempted to pick up a drink, 16 days is awesome (I'm on 16 too).

Only you can decide if you're able to talk about any of the the things that you are your husband need to discuss but I would suggest that if you are going to talk to him, you talk to him about the subject that you "own", your drinking and how you have stopped, and why.

Good luck and I hope you manage to work through these difficult times x

least

I hope you can get thru this without drinking.

pennylane2009

Thanks everyone -- I really don't want to drink. I just want the panic to go away. And I know drinking won't take that away, so I think my sobriety is safe right now.

icandoallthings

I've been in EXACTLY your seat. I've seen those messages, pictures, etc., It feels overwhelming at the moment, I know how you feel!

In our culture cheating is seen as the worst nightmare that can happen to a marriage. I kind of look at it a little different though. I think cheating is a symptom of other problems. And those problems don't even have to be huge either! People just have a tendency to act on their emotions. Emotions are sooo unreliable, so fleeting.

Please take a deep breath and take care of yourself. I'm praying for you!!

soberclover

One of the things you mention in your post is not talking to your husband about your recovery efforts. For me, not drinking and the support around that huge huge huge change in my life was necessary. You also mentioned not liking to engage in conflict with your husband. I'm sensing it is tough for you two to talk about the hard "stuff". Given your new sobriety as well as the issue of the instant messages popping up on facebook, some form of communication between you two is necessary. I am hoping that your anxiety will go away once you have done this. I'm really glad that you are back!!

jkb

Hi Penny-
Just a quick thought... I have debilitating panic attacks and was medicated for the last 3 years. Drinking made my panic attacks so much worse. It is the last thing you want to do. IMO.

Also, it sounds like you and the hubby need to talk... about drinking, cheating and whatever else. GL-

Jess

DrunkTx

I think many positives can come of this. First and foremost what has really worked for me is the reverse trigger - that usually happens when you can associate alcohol to generating a horrific outcome that you are certain will happen. In this case, I hope you have zero doubt that drinking in this heightened state of vulnerability will be a disaster with your husband. The last thing in the world you need is to be numb when you need your emotion now more than ever - the only way to ensure your husband knows you care.
Another bright spot is a new chance to open up communication without pointing fingers - "honey I'm so proud and scared at the same time. A tough 16 days, which I know is hard for you to grasp - did you know that prior to that I was hiding my drinks so you wouldn't catch me? I get now that my sobriety is for me, but whether or not I have a problem, you are a good enough reason for me not to chance it with another drink!"
And by far my favorite upside of sobriety - realizing that you have nothing to lose with true honesty with self. If in your shoes I would simply say - I saw the pop ups, it is making me incredibly anxious but I also know that I love you. I can't force your loyalty, but I hope that everything we have had up until today can help us navigate tomorrow. Just tell him the truth with no expectation, and he just might surprise you.

firstymer

I am ashamed to say that, to a certain extent, I did the same thing that your husband is doing. I concocted a romanticized, inaccurate memory of a past relationship instead of addressing the real problems in my marriage. Had I been confronted by my wife with her knowledge of what I was doing, I might have been more committed to working on those problems. Having some experience with your situation, my two pieces of advice are: 1)Do not give in to any urge to drink that you may be feeling. It will make things so much worse. 2) Confront your husband with your Facebook discovery. Not angrily. But tell him how hurt you are. And how you are willing to work with him to make things in the marriage better. Then, insist that you stand over his shoulder as he writes the farewell message to his ex, informing her that he has made a terrible mistake in corresponding with her, that he wants to make his marriage work, that he will be unfriending her, etc. You are absolutely entitled to that. And you are entitled to all his email passwords, and entitled to access anything he is doing online, any time you choose to check. His breach of trust cannot be overlooked and he deserves to be monitored - closely - until that trust is repaired. Good luck.

pennylane2009

Thank you all for listening to me today. I've crafted what I think is a calm, rational email that I think will express what I'm feeling without sounding angry, but I haven't been able to hit send yet.

firstymer

Do you think an in-person discussion with your husband might be more effective than sending him an email? If you are nervous about what to say to him, maybe print off your email and read it aloud to him? It seems to me that he should see how his actions are affecting you, not just read about it on a computer screen. Just a thought.... Good luck, Penny.

Hevyn

Hi Penny. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling over this. Proud of you for realizing drinking isn't going to help. It's so good when we finally get that. (Took me 30 years ).

I'm glad you wanted to talk about it here. We all care & want the best for you.

Nuudawn

Aww Penny..my heart hurts a little to read what you are going through. I do not know you, your husband or your situation anywhere enough to suggest anything with respect as to how to handle it. Sometimes when folks are caught doing what the shouldn't..there own shame triggers very defensive anger and accusation. I wouldn't want your fragile self exposed to that either so early in sobriety.

Your own care and sobriety is paramount right now. Please do what feels truly right for you.

foolsgold66

Glad you are here Penny. Post often if you need help with the struggle.

Dee74

I'm sorry that things are rough right now Penny but I'm glad you're sober

Maybe it's time to re-open communication with your husband?
Would counselling be an option - if not for the both of you, for you yourself?

Sounds like you need someone to talk to?

D

pennylane2009

This piece of advice was incredibly helpful, DrunkTx. I wrote a calm email that told him what I saw and reminded him how much I loved him, and he came home. We spent the entire evening talking it out, and we are going to be fine. More than fine.

I am proud to say I can do hard things, even sober. That was a pretty big crisis to navigate through, and if I do say so myself, I handled it pretty well.

If I wasn't on a pink cloud before, I feel like I'm on one now.

seahorse661

WOW!
I am astounded at how well you handled this situation. I have been there too (and worse) and I was an absolute wreck for months afterwards.

Well done; I think you're great!