1stepup

Im lying in bed in withdrawl from a bender that has lasted about two weeks, surrounded by empty tins and bottles, I feel so ill and desperate and yet im craving it still. Went to an aa meeting last night and more or less broke down. Missed the last two days in work and am dreading going in on Monday the guilt of letting them down is making me want to get drunk even more, this disease is truly crippling. Im 32 and managed to get sober for six weeks before this latest binge but its gotten REALLY bad now when I do slip.

PLEASE God help me, I hope by posting this itl be a reminder to me of why I cannot drink again. Nobody has the ambition to be a drunk its heartbreaking for family members who don't understand why I CHOOSE to live like this, the truth is its my head that cant cope sober but yet I feel like im mentally ill when im on it.

Im so angry at myself, the despair of not finding any booze among the mess when I woke up in the middle of the night reduced me to tears, I hear there is a jumping off point well im there.

lommey

Don't be angry with yourself and don't feel guilt. Keep going to aa( I still cry.) Today is day one of the rest of your life Take one minute one hour one day at a time .You can do it

afloatsober

When i came to the place where you are now i said:
God please help me,
I surrender at last,
I have no more fight left,
Your will not mine from here on in,
I can no longer do things my way,
It's your way now,
S$$t or bust,
I surrender.
I have not had a drink since.

Just my experience....
G

1stepup

Thanks, its at a point where I know I cant do this anymore, I saved money from this job and its all gone, I vaguely remember buying everyone in a bar yagerbombs and it cost me fifty quid that's about what I earn in one days work- how crazy is that!?

There was a guy that worked in my place before I started there and he was an alcoholic and lost his job there for having fits due to the withdrawl, hear people talking about him in ignorance and pity and they don't realise Im an 'alchi' to its frustrating hearing them say 'he was a nice bloke but he just didn't know when to stop' well I don't either.

I only have two weeks left on my contract so im going to throw myself into meetings and recovery. I wanted to leave a good impression with them and now ive let them down- its the second time ive texted in 'ill'.

I haven't seen my beautiful two kids whilst in this state and I miss them but its not fair on them to be around this horrible disease. I truly hate it and its ruined my life undoubtedly.

afloatsober

I should add that i did then:
Get medical help,
Get to AA meetings,
Have a recovery plan,
Stick to it,
Stop doing it my 'comfortable easy' way,
Accept that i could not, and never will be, able to do this alone again.

Truly wishing you well.

G

afloatsober

You can do what needs to be done.
The payoff (and there has to be one for me or i'd still be drinking!) is that your life will improve beyond recognition, and above all you will finally start to become the human being that you are meant to be friend.
If you are an alky. You are tough. With help you will get well.

G

Renarde

I hate to hear you feeling so horrible. I think you need to get medical help and support as well. I am glad you posted.

1stepup

Im going to do whatever needs to be done im handing over the wheel of my life to God now, il stay close to this site today and get to a meeting when I can. il keep posting on this thread as it will make me accountable and I need that right now, I know from experience how hard this will be especially the first few agonising days but I don't want to die and that's where im heading if I carry on drinking.

My family are giving me space I think they know Im back on it and they hate to see me on it, and I don't blame them. Its going to be a long struggle today but Im going to do it.

1stepup

just spoke to a friend who was at the meeting last night, there is a meeting today in a couple of hours that's about four miles away, im going to scrape myself together and go along.

afloatsober

The fight is over .
You are a winner now.
Go to a meeting.
Go win..
G

heath480

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

Good that you are going to a meeting,stay away from the first drink.

I wish you well and get medical help if necessary.

P.S. don"t lose hope,you can do it.

FeelingGreat

Afloatsober, use your disgust with yourself and lifestyle as a jumping off point, but also plan for the time when you're feeling a bit better and you want to drink again.
Get as much support as you can. I think visiting the doctor would be a good step, as well as AA and SR. He or she could put you in touch with specialist services. This is an insidious disease; give yourself a chance to succeed.

Eddiebuckle

1step,

Don't worry too much about the past two weeks now, focus on what you need to do this minute. Get to a meeting, get a sponsor, work the steps like your life depends on it, and have faith that whatever it is that got the other folks in the room sober is available to you if you make yourself available to it. Surrender is a misunderstood word in early recovery; in retrospect it simply meant that I had to stop trying to delude myself that I could drink. Avoid that first drink every day, and you will become sober.

Wishing you all the best.

Eddie

Croissant

Hi 1 step. If you feel as bad as I did 50 days ago, (and it sounds like you do), I know you can do it.

You can make this happen. Check in with your doctor given you've just had a 2 week bender. My first few days I immersed myself in all things recovery, read books, gave myself a huge talking to and made every effort to rest my body and try to get well from the poison I'd been giving it for 10 years.

Pat yourself on the back for standing up and saying 'enough'. Sending you big sober hugs! It IS worth it to fight this horrible beast.

lala34mc

I have been where you are and understand the pain and impossibility. Just keep coming back here and when your mind starts to go backwards to the past, or forwards to the future, stop yourself and just breathe. Don't drink, let the moment pass, and don't drink. Repeat. You can do this. I promise.

107L

You can do this. You are not alone. All of us here have been in our version of where you are right now. Some of us have been there time and time again, it doesn't mean you're beaten...we keep trying. The only time you're beaten is when you're 6 ft under and you are not there. You can do this.

Keep passing the open windows

soberclover

Stay focused on making the next right decision.....and keep doing that. You got this!