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First Relapse (Advice...? I'm in desperation for Help)

Old 09-12-2013, 08:06 PM
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First Relapse (Advice...? I'm in desperation for Help)

Merely just days following The exceedingly prideful, narcissistically pedantic aboveboard descriptive post telling my story ascribing how this addiction auto-piloted me directly into the turbulence we experience as addicts. The sweet serene segue accompanying the fancy "Faux Pas" from Full, found and fixed to the familiar fiendish forever ****** up cadaverous coward unable to operate without a quick fix. The simple daily duties now exacerbated, another additive to sum up the painstaking arduous lifestyle I lived as a result amphetamine Addiction (Adderall).

I for whatever reason succumbed into this vindictive vice once again. All of the progress I had made now just pointless. At the speed of light I fall from Peak to Pitfall and tally up this colossal loss. Consequentially what was now for nothing- The Exponential high price I had paid, those torturous weeks of a pitiful persons suffrage, All that pain, physically and mentally I experienced withdrawing from months of dependency clearly couldn't suffice my desire to expunge this motivational mint finally for good!

God I feel so foolish, I was triggered by the very person whom orchestrated the whole rehabilitation process to structure this new and improved "me." I have let myself down, I've let my loved ones down and whomever else effected by this addiction just as many expected, I have let them all down. I'm sitting here peaking as I confess- What have I done! I promised, I swore to my supporters that I was done with ALL realms of Psychostimulants, faced with one arduous night and I'm looking at man embarked on a dark winding road, such a sudden change of course for the worse. I've allowed my mind's mind to convince the mended man it was harmless, just once is fine. Now in a flash ameliorated myself and costly right back where I began.

The contrived cultivation concocted to become a substance with the sheer strength of a Prodigious Man with tremendous masculinity, flawlessly consistent. The forcefulness extrinsically and intrinsically to render powerless a foolish mans effort to subdue the addict within. I feel helpless, hopeless here falling further from finding fixation. The very self that became my salvation just proved itself purposeless, pointless and superfluously incapable of being a sensible man, instead conveying my sickening vulnerability with such vividly devastating results. All of this for what..? Temporary time taken to Eutopia, only to waken in the land of the lotus eaters unable to leave, just left to sit here and rot away in the wrath of this warm Fireball known as a Southern Summer Sun. Only able to blame myself for all of whats transpired, still I cant seem to conquer something so pointless post-pleasure.

The Amphetamine Stream has my raft capsizing in its unforgiving rapids! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!
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Old 09-12-2013, 08:37 PM
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I'm having a little trouble comprehending your James Joycean prose. But from what I can gather you relapsed and used Adderall after a few days of attempted sobriety.

I'm afraid I'm unable to match your weighty literary style, but I can say it appears you need to decide what approach you want to take to getting sober and what approach you will take to maintain your sobriety.

Simply put, do you have a plan? Are you considering rehab? Have you considered NA? Have you talked with your doctor? I believe a visit to your primary care physician would be a good first step.
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Old 09-12-2013, 10:26 PM
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Your writing is too sophisticated for this foreigner. I would suggest s support system such as AA or NA.. I am not sure if you drank or used drugs. Hope you find the help you need.
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Old 09-12-2013, 11:16 PM
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Your fond of alliterations my friend. I too got a wee bit lost in the prose. You need to figure out some sort of plan of attack. Are you in need of detox? Will you utilize some form of peer support like AA, Smart Recovery or good ole SR? One on one counselling? What will you do when "cravings" hit? Are you a spiritual person?
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Old 09-12-2013, 11:30 PM
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Your writing is very eloquent! You seem highly intelligent--please stop using now before you ruin that wonderful brain of yours!
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Old 09-12-2013, 11:31 PM
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Hi ABM, I've been following your posts and have enjoyed reading your interesting story.
I guess the call of Adderall was too strong, and you succumbed. Your prose, in the past elegant and literate, has descended into rambling (however you seem to enjoy alliteration!), which is probably a by-product of your frantic brain. Once you have come down from the drug, you will probably feel even worse than you do right now.

Relapse happens in recovery. It is an unfortunate part of the process. What's important now is what you plan to do about your commitment to sobriety? You can continue to beat yourself up over this mistake, continue using, and continue to descend to a deeper rock bottom. There are probably still friends to lie to, family to hurt, freedom to lose, health to destroy.

Or you can pick yourself up and get back on your horse. Stop beating yourself up over the relapse, what's done is done. Learn from the experience and don't make the same mistake again. Start stacking up sober days again. Sobriety is a muscle that gets stronger as you work it, so start exercising for recovery immediately.

I'd also like to recommend author Nic Sheff, a young, super smart guy who's addiction to amphetamines nearly destroyed him. He is an incredibly talented writer, and I think you will be able to relate to him. Be strong, things can still work out...it all depends on you.
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Old 09-17-2013, 10:08 PM
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I am proud to say I haven't used since that slip. I've continued taking my Wellbutrin which does seem to be helpful with not only the Adderall craving but effortlessly I have no desire to smoke cigarettes- I was told it may help but to be fair I have always been a social smoker rather than an everyday user unless I was taking Adderall. I feel sluggish and colloquial/ illiterate in comparison to my normal stilted verbiage I would typically speak. I crave Marijuana, I have never been one to smoke it but I have felt a sudden desire for it would this be something I should open myself up to or behoove me to stay away from virtually all recreational use of anything..? Any thoughts..?
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Old 09-17-2013, 10:24 PM
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My advice is simple: stay away from all mind altering substances!
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