jdooner

As those that follow or read my posts know, I am new to this site and sobriety. 18 days in but the number is irrelevant. I have been going to AA, have a sponsor and focused on staying sober etc. At my step meeting last night (I do 2-3 a week), I had a revelation, which has allowed me to accept step 1. This is a big deal to me, as I have been beating my head on the wall in terms of truly getting #1 (call it my OCD).

As a functioning (I believe highly functioning) alcoholic I was stuck on how my life had become unmanageable. Had it really? Surely fear has driven me to this place and sobriety but in terms of my life, I have managing alright. Like many on this site my issues lay in the 5-10% of the time not the 80-90% where moderation and social drinking was fine. So in my mind my life was sort manageable and I was dealing with this disease for the majority of the time just fine.

Anyhow, it is now clear to me that my life is unmanageable without alcohol and this nuance is where my problem (one of them) lies. I have used alcohol to cope and manage throughout my adult life, which is the void I feel now with it gone - its also the risk of relapse if I don't fill this void with something else (spiritual or something else). This is what is not sustainable bc by using alcohol as the cornerstone of my foundation to my sand castle, I have chosen to build on a progressive disease that is not sustainable. So, like Jenga the game, as I pull this block away, I now teeter and risk the collapse of castle unless I replace with something sustainable.

This was a big breakthrough for me and I thought I would share - I hope it might help others as this was not clear to me at first and I think I am fairly astute.

least

Congrats on 18 days sober! I too thought I was 'functioning' just fine... until I wasn't. So glad those days are over.

ImperfectlyMe

Congrats on your success

FourSeasons

Congratulations on your personal revelation and for sharing it on SR! Way to go on Day 18!!

Olive1

Hi Jdooner,
I was in the hospital for two weeks recovering from near death by alcohol, then sent right to rehab. During these first few weeks, I knew that alcohol was a bad choice for me, but had not deep down admitted that my life was unmanagable. A few days into rehab I spent a whole day crying.....over my alcoholic lost life I suppose. And about half way through rehab I started to finally realize that this whole drinking life was never going to work. It was a relief in a way and I poured out my first step in writing to the tune of 35 pages. As much of a relief as it was to finally admit this, the hard work started when I got home from the security of rehab.
Anyway, long way of saying that I think my realization came about the same time as yours did.....in terms of being sober. It must have taken that long for my body and mind to start the reboot process.
Keep up the good work!

Bird615

Beautiful! Thanks for sharing that!

Eleni58

When I was drinking, I was just existing, not living. Living became unmanageable because everything, including my job had to be scheduled around my drinking.

Kudos to you for achieving Step 1!

ZeldaFan

Well done on your success and personal breakthrough! I thought I was a highly functioning alcoholic as well. I never drank at work and always made sure I was sober when I showed up. Of course, that meant the only time I was sober was at work and that's no life to live.

jdooner

Thanks all...I think its day 17 for me not 18 but anyhow, I am not focused on the counting, seems irrelevant to me at this point, log the months now I guess.

I hope this might save some time for others but I am guessing everyone has to go through this on their own.

Thanks for the support.

FeenixxRising

Thanks for sharing jdooner. Like you, I've been what most would consider a functioning alcoholic. And I was a binge drinker, so I didn't drink everyday. I've also struggled with the 2nd part of Step 1, primarily because from the outside I appear to be doing well: I have a good income, I look reasonably healthy, no shattered relationships, no legal issues etc.

But I realized that much of my life revolved around alcoholic. Even when I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about when I would next be drinking. Any idea of "fun" meant alcohol was involved. The thought of never drinking again just made me glum.

I believe you're correct when you say we all have to go through this on our own. For me it was realizing that a life--even a life that has all the trappings of achievement--that revolves around alcohol (or any other substance) isn't a life that is "managed" very well.