I don't know who I am anymore
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I don't know who I am anymore
I went to my therapist today because I'm desperate. Desperate to find some sense of normalcy in my body, mind and spirit. Everything I thought I knew, doesn't make sense anymore.
Thirty seven days ago, I was the "woman on a path to enlightenment." Sure, I drank too much a few times a week. But I was under the false impression that everybody did that. I suffered the consequences of my poor choices and found solace in prayer and meditation. In positivity. In lightening others loads. In self discovery and ego mastery. I knew WHO I WAS and what I was doing here.
I was feeling pretty Jim flaking dandy weeks one through three. As the alcohol induced haze and cloud lifted I thought - now I'm really going to start getting it! I eagerly awaited every morning and laid my head down at night knowing I was on the right path.
Then, sh-t got real. Real fast. And suddenly, all the tools in my toolbox were broken. Nothing I do can make me escape this sense of bewildered drifting that has taken over and rendered me helpless and hopeless. And believe me, this is not the way I roll. I'm the kind of person that can stare at a flower for ten minutes and start to cry because its more beautiful than I could ever conceptualize. My battle cry has always been , "Jesus is my homeboy", (cuz I'm. A Jesus freak like that). And now I can't find him either.
I watched a frothy, ice crystally martini being poured today at a restaurant. Topped off with two olives and a twist. My mind was already battered from an intense therapy session. But for a split second, I remembered who I was when I saw that drink. It was familiar. I felt safe. I was home.
Until I gagged.
I literally threw up in my mouth.
So nope, she's not there either.
Everything is changing. To such a degree that I feel like that ego mastery I was bragging about earlier, was nothing more than it sharpening it sword against my spirit.
If somebody finds me, return me to the Ritz Carlton in Naples, FL. I liked it there.
At least that earth mother spiritual girl that drank Martinis did...
Thirty seven days ago, I was the "woman on a path to enlightenment." Sure, I drank too much a few times a week. But I was under the false impression that everybody did that. I suffered the consequences of my poor choices and found solace in prayer and meditation. In positivity. In lightening others loads. In self discovery and ego mastery. I knew WHO I WAS and what I was doing here.
I was feeling pretty Jim flaking dandy weeks one through three. As the alcohol induced haze and cloud lifted I thought - now I'm really going to start getting it! I eagerly awaited every morning and laid my head down at night knowing I was on the right path.
Then, sh-t got real. Real fast. And suddenly, all the tools in my toolbox were broken. Nothing I do can make me escape this sense of bewildered drifting that has taken over and rendered me helpless and hopeless. And believe me, this is not the way I roll. I'm the kind of person that can stare at a flower for ten minutes and start to cry because its more beautiful than I could ever conceptualize. My battle cry has always been , "Jesus is my homeboy", (cuz I'm. A Jesus freak like that). And now I can't find him either.
I watched a frothy, ice crystally martini being poured today at a restaurant. Topped off with two olives and a twist. My mind was already battered from an intense therapy session. But for a split second, I remembered who I was when I saw that drink. It was familiar. I felt safe. I was home.
Until I gagged.
I literally threw up in my mouth.
So nope, she's not there either.
Everything is changing. To such a degree that I feel like that ego mastery I was bragging about earlier, was nothing more than it sharpening it sword against my spirit.
If somebody finds me, return me to the Ritz Carlton in Naples, FL. I liked it there.
At least that earth mother spiritual girl that drank Martinis did...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I love the Ritz in Naples....last time I was there for a week this Feb and I took the air conditioning vent off of the wall to hide wine bottles in so my husband didn't know how much extra I was drinking....
so elegant...
so elegant...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Well, you may be in shvt up to your elbows, AO, but you express yourself beautifully.
And I resonate. Just when I thought, "Okay, man, here we go - I'm coming back online....I'm baaaack!" I did a face plant. Or maybe it's more like I'm Charlie Brown and life is like Lucy with the football going, "Psych!"
32 days here and I just now, literally, agitated from one foot to the other several times, not knowing if I should throw away the paper in my hand first, or go put away the paper clips. Seriously?
Do these sound familiar at all?...I posted them in case anyone is anything like me (I thought PAWS, yeah, whatever (the same attitude I had about aches and pains and aging, till it started actually happening to me!) and I wouldn't go to the link, heh heh).
I love what they say about sleep: Oh, yeah, sleep disturbances may last a lifetime. Ho hum.
Symptoms
PAWS symptoms reach a peak from three to six months after we get clean. Any use of drugs or alcohol, even in small quantities or for a short time, will effectively eliminate any improvement gained over that time, as it will keep the brain from healing. There are a variety of symptoms. Not everyone will experience all of them. Here are some of the main ones.
Inability to solve problems
Inability to solve problems leads to lowered self-esteem. We feel embarrassed, incompetent, and “not okay.” Diminished self-esteem and fear of failure lead to living and working problems. These all add to our stress, and the stress further exaggerates the other problems. Six things contribute to this: trouble thinking clearly, emotional overreaction, memory problems, sleep disturbances, physical coordination problems and difficulty managing stress.
Inability to think clearly
Our brain seems to work properly only part of the time. Sometimes our head just feels fuzzy because of the changes that occurred in our brains while we were using. The changes take time to improve. It is also due to the simple fact that we are trying to process a lot more information than we did before. While using, we mainly thought about getting more, using, and turning off our brains. Now we are considering the myriad things necessary to truly live our lives. To begin with, it can be a bit much.
Inability to concentrate
Abstract reasoning suffers, and we find our minds, like a confused cowboy, jumping on its horse and riding off in all directions. Also related to the reasons above.
Rigid, repetitive thinking
Thoughts go around and around in our heads, and we are unable to put them into useful order. We have not yet developed the ability to channel our thoughts and concentrate on one thing at a time.
Memory problems
We may hear something, understand it, and 20 minutes later…it’s gone! This sort of thing complicates our lives in many ways. It upsets supervisors, annoys significant others, and makes us wonder if we’re losing our minds.
With memory problems it is hard to learn new skills and absorb new information. We learn by building on what we have already learned, and memory difficulties can make it very difficult (if not impossible) to do that. Again, these difficulties add to stress, especially if we do not understand what’s happening to us. We may think, “This sucks! I might as well be high.”
Emotional overreaction or numbness
People with emotional problems in early sobriety tend to over-react. When this overreaction puts more stress on our nervous systems than we can handle, we react by “shutting down” our emotions. We become emotionally numb, unable to feel anything. We may swing from one mood to another. These mood swings may baffle us, seeming to come without any reason, and may even be misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. If we have developed insulin resistance or diabetes as a result of our drugs and drinking, this can become extreme.
Sleep disturbances
Disturbed sleep is common in recovery. It may last only a short time, or a lifetime. Often, this depends on what we consider to be a problem. If we are night owls who used alcohol or pills to get to sleep in the daytime, we may discover that the only solution is to make significant changes in our schedule, and perhaps even in our occupations. Sleep deprivation stresses the body, prevents our minds from working well, and generally exaggerates any other difficulties we may be experiencing.
We may experience changes in our sleep patterns, sleeping for long periods at a time, or getting sleepy at different times of the day. Although these may persist, we are usually able to adjust to them. The important thing is to be willing to adjust. We may not be able to keep to our old sleeping habits.
Stress
Difficulty managing stress is the most difficult part of post acute withdrawal, and of early recovery in general. Early on, we may not be able to distinguish between low and high stress situations, because for so many years we managed stress by using mood-altering substances.
Worst of all, the other PAWS symptoms become worse when we are under stress, and this causes the stress to increase! There is a direct relationship between elevated stress and the severity of PAWS. Each amplifies the other.
At times of low stress, the symptoms of post acute withdrawal may lessen or even go away completely. When we are well-rested, relaxed, eating properly and getting along well with others, we seem to be fine. It is easy to see how we can get careless at these times.
And I resonate. Just when I thought, "Okay, man, here we go - I'm coming back online....I'm baaaack!" I did a face plant. Or maybe it's more like I'm Charlie Brown and life is like Lucy with the football going, "Psych!"
32 days here and I just now, literally, agitated from one foot to the other several times, not knowing if I should throw away the paper in my hand first, or go put away the paper clips. Seriously?
Do these sound familiar at all?...I posted them in case anyone is anything like me (I thought PAWS, yeah, whatever (the same attitude I had about aches and pains and aging, till it started actually happening to me!) and I wouldn't go to the link, heh heh).
I love what they say about sleep: Oh, yeah, sleep disturbances may last a lifetime. Ho hum.
Symptoms
PAWS symptoms reach a peak from three to six months after we get clean. Any use of drugs or alcohol, even in small quantities or for a short time, will effectively eliminate any improvement gained over that time, as it will keep the brain from healing. There are a variety of symptoms. Not everyone will experience all of them. Here are some of the main ones.
Inability to solve problems
Inability to solve problems leads to lowered self-esteem. We feel embarrassed, incompetent, and “not okay.” Diminished self-esteem and fear of failure lead to living and working problems. These all add to our stress, and the stress further exaggerates the other problems. Six things contribute to this: trouble thinking clearly, emotional overreaction, memory problems, sleep disturbances, physical coordination problems and difficulty managing stress.
Inability to think clearly
Our brain seems to work properly only part of the time. Sometimes our head just feels fuzzy because of the changes that occurred in our brains while we were using. The changes take time to improve. It is also due to the simple fact that we are trying to process a lot more information than we did before. While using, we mainly thought about getting more, using, and turning off our brains. Now we are considering the myriad things necessary to truly live our lives. To begin with, it can be a bit much.
Inability to concentrate
Abstract reasoning suffers, and we find our minds, like a confused cowboy, jumping on its horse and riding off in all directions. Also related to the reasons above.
Rigid, repetitive thinking
Thoughts go around and around in our heads, and we are unable to put them into useful order. We have not yet developed the ability to channel our thoughts and concentrate on one thing at a time.
Memory problems
We may hear something, understand it, and 20 minutes later…it’s gone! This sort of thing complicates our lives in many ways. It upsets supervisors, annoys significant others, and makes us wonder if we’re losing our minds.
With memory problems it is hard to learn new skills and absorb new information. We learn by building on what we have already learned, and memory difficulties can make it very difficult (if not impossible) to do that. Again, these difficulties add to stress, especially if we do not understand what’s happening to us. We may think, “This sucks! I might as well be high.”
Emotional overreaction or numbness
People with emotional problems in early sobriety tend to over-react. When this overreaction puts more stress on our nervous systems than we can handle, we react by “shutting down” our emotions. We become emotionally numb, unable to feel anything. We may swing from one mood to another. These mood swings may baffle us, seeming to come without any reason, and may even be misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. If we have developed insulin resistance or diabetes as a result of our drugs and drinking, this can become extreme.
Sleep disturbances
Disturbed sleep is common in recovery. It may last only a short time, or a lifetime. Often, this depends on what we consider to be a problem. If we are night owls who used alcohol or pills to get to sleep in the daytime, we may discover that the only solution is to make significant changes in our schedule, and perhaps even in our occupations. Sleep deprivation stresses the body, prevents our minds from working well, and generally exaggerates any other difficulties we may be experiencing.
We may experience changes in our sleep patterns, sleeping for long periods at a time, or getting sleepy at different times of the day. Although these may persist, we are usually able to adjust to them. The important thing is to be willing to adjust. We may not be able to keep to our old sleeping habits.
Stress
Difficulty managing stress is the most difficult part of post acute withdrawal, and of early recovery in general. Early on, we may not be able to distinguish between low and high stress situations, because for so many years we managed stress by using mood-altering substances.
Worst of all, the other PAWS symptoms become worse when we are under stress, and this causes the stress to increase! There is a direct relationship between elevated stress and the severity of PAWS. Each amplifies the other.
At times of low stress, the symptoms of post acute withdrawal may lessen or even go away completely. When we are well-rested, relaxed, eating properly and getting along well with others, we seem to be fine. It is easy to see how we can get careless at these times.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Mostly I think you were just floating on the pink cloud and fell off, and it may take some time for things to even back out. Same thing happened to me the first time I got sober.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will resolve. It's likely you won't be exactly the same person, but that is how sobriety rolls.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will resolve. It's likely you won't be exactly the same person, but that is how sobriety rolls.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Wow, thank you so much Dylan, I really appreciate that, and I feel strongly that we have to be our own advocates right now. Going out into the real world where everyone is going about their business at a brisk pace can be overwhelming and a bit depressing. It's like we have been walking around with one leg shorter than the other for so long we have to learn to walk again.
I feel like having tshirts made up that say PAWS so people will understand. Or I wish I could just yell it out in the supermarket, kind of like we used to yell out "TRIGGER!" in rehab (mostly in a joking way). Or have little flags on our carts and sirens that say "MEEMAW MEEMAW" like a French ambulance.
Don't mind me tonight, I have hit a new bottom. I am sitting in bed eating brownie mix with a spoon......
I feel like having tshirts made up that say PAWS so people will understand. Or I wish I could just yell it out in the supermarket, kind of like we used to yell out "TRIGGER!" in rehab (mostly in a joking way). Or have little flags on our carts and sirens that say "MEEMAW MEEMAW" like a French ambulance.
Don't mind me tonight, I have hit a new bottom. I am sitting in bed eating brownie mix with a spoon......
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Because most of my adult life and my adult identity involved drink or drugs, I had to go right back to bed rock when it came to rebuilding.
I know thats scary but I know you a little from your posts - I think you'll like what you find
D
I know thats scary but I know you a little from your posts - I think you'll like what you find
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Don't mind me tonight, I have hit a new bottom. I am sitting in bed eating brownie mix with a spoon......
I had Mr. Peanut calling my name tonight and ended up eating half the jar. In an effort to minimize the damage, I am now bingeing on.....
....pickles. Friggin' pickles, man! God, grant me the serenity....
Still "LOL"-ing....thanks...
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
You guys are off the hook! Thanks for all of that and some real belly laughs. Being sober does not mean dour. We are pretty funny once we stop taking ourselves, and others too seriously. MEEHAW!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted by foolsgold66 
Mostly I think you were just floating on the pink cloud and fell off, and it may take some time for things to even back out. Same thing happened to me the first time I got sober.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will resolve. It's likely you won't be exactly the same person, but that is how sobriety rolls.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will resolve. It's likely you won't be exactly the same person, but that is how sobriety rolls.
Keep going, AO. You can do this. It's going to take longer than 37 days to find out who you really are and how you are going to live life going forward. Big hugs.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
This is about me. I only use the pronoun 'we' because I've known dozens of people who've been through what I've described. This is how alcoholism is for me: I'm much more comfortable knowing I'm a miserable drunk, with no hope, no plans, no meaningful attachments, nothing and no one to lean on, nothing left to lose, no place else to go, than I am struggling through ambiguity while working to get sober. Emotionally familiar circumstances and conditions are always more favorable than not knowing, even when those circumstances and conditions suck.
We're often too impatient, feel too schitty, or simply are not interested in doing the necessary work to return from the dead; we attempt to pole vault over all the pain, suffering and discomfort that working to get sober brings. We're too uncomfortable asking for or receiving help; would rather feel the living hell of active alcoholism than suffer a few weeks of side effects from medications that can help lift us out of the darkness; and concoct dozens of excuses why it's "impossible" for us to get and stay sober. In this way, we continue to fail, throwing our hands in the air in wonder as to how the universe can be so cruel.
Life is a death sentence. We start dying from the moment we're conceived. If someone tells me I'll die in a week unless I make radical changes in my life, you'd better believe I'm making those changes. Because death-by-alcohol has a longer shelf life, what's the rush? I've got plenty of time left whether I drink or not. And then, one day, there's no more time. It's sometimes said in AA that, "First it gets good. Then it gets better. And then it gets real." And you can't make a trauma-free jump to managing "getting real" without first doing the work.
That wonderful beginning, that wonderful new day is available to each and every one of us when we make an honest effort to get sober, and remain open and willing to the possibility of a better way, no matter which path we choose to get there.
We're often too impatient, feel too schitty, or simply are not interested in doing the necessary work to return from the dead; we attempt to pole vault over all the pain, suffering and discomfort that working to get sober brings. We're too uncomfortable asking for or receiving help; would rather feel the living hell of active alcoholism than suffer a few weeks of side effects from medications that can help lift us out of the darkness; and concoct dozens of excuses why it's "impossible" for us to get and stay sober. In this way, we continue to fail, throwing our hands in the air in wonder as to how the universe can be so cruel.
Life is a death sentence. We start dying from the moment we're conceived. If someone tells me I'll die in a week unless I make radical changes in my life, you'd better believe I'm making those changes. Because death-by-alcohol has a longer shelf life, what's the rush? I've got plenty of time left whether I drink or not. And then, one day, there's no more time. It's sometimes said in AA that, "First it gets good. Then it gets better. And then it gets real." And you can't make a trauma-free jump to managing "getting real" without first doing the work.
That wonderful beginning, that wonderful new day is available to each and every one of us when we make an honest effort to get sober, and remain open and willing to the possibility of a better way, no matter which path we choose to get there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
AlphaOmega: I guess you're getting a big dose of "Oh crap, I actually have to participate in my life without chemical aid, whether I like it or not". This is the opposite of the pink cloud, maybe the "Puce Quicksand?*"
It's easy to be sober and feel great...happy and free, without a care in the world! Still, everyone has bad days, sometimes REALLY bad days. That's when the martini begins to look mighty good to us recovering alcoholics. I didn't have the slightest idea how to process the dark thoughts that plagued me in early sobriety. I was completely out of practise, having drank over every nasty emotion from a hangnail on down for years. Try not to get too worked up...This too shall pass. As time goes by, those atrophied coping skills will build back up, and the highs and lows will level out.
Come up with a few things that will take you away for a couple of minutes, chocolate or stretching, a classic novel or gossip magazine. Wait for the storm clouds to pass, and they will, you know. You are doing so beautifully! Just keep your eyes on the prize.
*Puce: puce, the French word for flea, is the name of a brownish red color, said to resemble the stains left by fleas on bedsheets after they sucked your blood. Lovely.
It's easy to be sober and feel great...happy and free, without a care in the world! Still, everyone has bad days, sometimes REALLY bad days. That's when the martini begins to look mighty good to us recovering alcoholics. I didn't have the slightest idea how to process the dark thoughts that plagued me in early sobriety. I was completely out of practise, having drank over every nasty emotion from a hangnail on down for years. Try not to get too worked up...This too shall pass. As time goes by, those atrophied coping skills will build back up, and the highs and lows will level out.
Come up with a few things that will take you away for a couple of minutes, chocolate or stretching, a classic novel or gossip magazine. Wait for the storm clouds to pass, and they will, you know. You are doing so beautifully! Just keep your eyes on the prize.
*Puce: puce, the French word for flea, is the name of a brownish red color, said to resemble the stains left by fleas on bedsheets after they sucked your blood. Lovely.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Originally Posted by alphaomega
I don't know who I am anymore. Everything I thought I knew, doesn't make sense anymore.
“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh.
"There there," said Piglet. "I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Hope you feel like you soon.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Forgive me Alpha..you are a brilliant writer yet I still wanna scream "BULLSH*T" at the top of my lungs on your eloquent post. (How's that for PAWS over-reactivity Dylan??)
Do you honestly "feel" like you were more connected and enlightened when you were swoggling booze every night? Do you honestly "feel" like you had real tools in your toolbox? I just can't wrap my brain around it.
For an admitted self help addict throughout my drunkest of years. I had ALL the theory but no application and no transformation. It is only in sobriety (which is still in its infancy) that I can finally see some genuine progress and follow through in all my theory.
Do you honestly "feel" like you were more connected and enlightened when you were swoggling booze every night? Do you honestly "feel" like you had real tools in your toolbox? I just can't wrap my brain around it.
For an admitted self help addict throughout my drunkest of years. I had ALL the theory but no application and no transformation. It is only in sobriety (which is still in its infancy) that I can finally see some genuine progress and follow through in all my theory.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Keep on the sober path Alpha,
One foot infront of the other, sometimes we have to go heel to toe, heel to toe as we creep along but thats ok, just getting through is perfectly acceptable sometimes .
Keep on walking the path and see if things don't change , they changed with me , life changes all the time
Bestwishes, m
One foot infront of the other, sometimes we have to go heel to toe, heel to toe as we creep along but thats ok, just getting through is perfectly acceptable sometimes .
Keep on walking the path and see if things don't change , they changed with me , life changes all the time
Bestwishes, m
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I did, Nuu. I honestly really truly did.
I thought it filled the spaces inbetween the soul searching. A self imposed reprieve from the constant desire to make more out of this life experience than perhaps it is.
I found God at the bottom of every bottle.
Never found him in any church. And certainly not in the Old Testament (scare-y!)
But me and my bottle of red, bottle of white. Two drinks in and I shot straight up to the ether sphere.
Thanks for the compliment ? I think ?
I thought it filled the spaces inbetween the soul searching. A self imposed reprieve from the constant desire to make more out of this life experience than perhaps it is.
I found God at the bottom of every bottle.
Never found him in any church. And certainly not in the Old Testament (scare-y!)
But me and my bottle of red, bottle of white. Two drinks in and I shot straight up to the ether sphere.
Thanks for the compliment ? I think ?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
You have so much personality and good advice AlphaO . :-)
Its only a matter of time before the real you bursts back to life.
You are a rock for people to lean on.
Apparantly it seem to me now , that we are all gona find some disconnection from our real selves , when the over enhanced self has left the building
Hugz. Xxx
Its only a matter of time before the real you bursts back to life.
You are a rock for people to lean on.
Apparantly it seem to me now , that we are all gona find some disconnection from our real selves , when the over enhanced self has left the building
Hugz. Xxx
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by alphaomega
I did, Nuu. I honestly really truly did.
I thought it filled the spaces inbetween the soul searching. A self imposed reprieve from the constant desire to make more out of this life experience than perhaps it is.
I found God at the bottom of every bottle.
Never found him in any church. And certainly not in the Old Testament (scare-y!)
But me and my bottle of red, bottle of white. Two drinks in and I shot straight up to the ether sphere.
Thanks for the compliment ? I think ?
I thought it filled the spaces inbetween the soul searching. A self imposed reprieve from the constant desire to make more out of this life experience than perhaps it is.
I found God at the bottom of every bottle.
Never found him in any church. And certainly not in the Old Testament (scare-y!)
But me and my bottle of red, bottle of white. Two drinks in and I shot straight up to the ether sphere.
Thanks for the compliment ? I think ?
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