Not sure if I am doing the right thing..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 27
Not sure if I am doing the right thing..
Hello, all. New to this.
I am in a relationship with 36 year old alcoholic. He has never had a realtionship longer than 2 years, no children, never married. He has been drinking for 15 years. I am 38, married for 11 years, divorced for 3, with a 12 year old son.
Also, I should note that my parents were drinkers and that I worked in an alcohol treatment facility for over a year.
We have been living together for the last year. I didn't know he was an A until we moved in together. And I was in for a surprise. Pretty typical drunk behaviour, black outs, bed wetting, no violence. have never seen anyone drink like this, a gallon of liquor in 24 hours, he doesn't vomit. A fifth a night for 31 days. After that "runner" we sat down and had a serious talk, this was 11 months in. He told me he was an A. That he didn't want to lose me or my son to it. I asked him if he was ready to quit and he said he didnt know. I said don't tell me you are ready when you aren't. He wanted to come up with a plan. I tol him that he had to want to do it for himself, not me. And I wasn't going to lay down any rules. He had to make his own rules. So he came up with a list of rules, no hard alcohol when the boy was home ( every other week). No starting until 7. No driving. No hiding it. And if none of this works, he'll quit.
What I didn't know is he was would stretch every rule he made.
And manipulate the rules as he saw fit. I never flat out confronted him, browbeat him, or humiliated him. But I was being the drinking police, counting how many he had, how many were left, watching him for signs of the reptile ( signaling a black out) looking for hidden bottles etc
Finally a week and a half ago, i was 1 day post op on a hernia surgery, we were at home, he was having what he calls his ration which is 2 4 loko's, and as many beers as he could drink. Ordinarily this ration would include a half pin of schnapps so I guess he was trying to be good ( sarcasm) and passing out during the movie we were watching. I was uncomfortable and angry, and I said that I was disappointed that knowing I just had surgery he chose to drink. He said that I was past the 24 hour window, and that if i didn't want him to drink, i should have said so earlier. ( wtf!?!) and we argued. He told me to get the f*** out of his house, that he payed the bills and he made the rules. Soooo i did. After four days, i came back to tell him I was leaving. He was in bed, hungover and vomiting ( i don't even know what all he drank to induce that, never seen him vomit before) had missed work and wanted to fight every detail. He did say he should have never told me to get out, that he was being mean for the sake of meaness. I finally told him that I hated that he drank. Hated the smell. Hated how he looked when he drank. Hated waking up in his ****. Hated it all. And he said he didnt know I felt this way. I told him toget help and i walked. Was hard because the codie in me wanted to take care of him, feed him, wash him up, but I walked.
I moved all my stuff out this past Sunday the 8th. I also told his parents, he brother and his friends what was happening and what had been happening, that he needed to get help. I used to say that I would never ask him to choose because i know i would lose. What I know now id I never had a chance.
I have my own place, and will be moving in this coming weekend.
Here is my problem... Is it possible to keep a relationship with him, should I keep a relationship with him? We have texted, he says he loves me and wants to work it out, he has not promised to quit, in fact he says he is scared he can't. He has said that when arguing he wants to when so he doesn't fight fair. I told him he that he should have took that will to win and applied it to us. He says he is scared because he is afraid he can't quit drinking . I have told him that I will not live in his house. Period. My thought is According to his "rules" if it's my house I can make the rules. No drinking in my house. No drinking before you come to see me. If you aren't ready to quit, fine, but i will not be around it. Will this work? Or is it more codie crap on my part? I don't know what to do. I miss sober him. I love sober him.
I am in a relationship with 36 year old alcoholic. He has never had a realtionship longer than 2 years, no children, never married. He has been drinking for 15 years. I am 38, married for 11 years, divorced for 3, with a 12 year old son.
Also, I should note that my parents were drinkers and that I worked in an alcohol treatment facility for over a year.
We have been living together for the last year. I didn't know he was an A until we moved in together. And I was in for a surprise. Pretty typical drunk behaviour, black outs, bed wetting, no violence. have never seen anyone drink like this, a gallon of liquor in 24 hours, he doesn't vomit. A fifth a night for 31 days. After that "runner" we sat down and had a serious talk, this was 11 months in. He told me he was an A. That he didn't want to lose me or my son to it. I asked him if he was ready to quit and he said he didnt know. I said don't tell me you are ready when you aren't. He wanted to come up with a plan. I tol him that he had to want to do it for himself, not me. And I wasn't going to lay down any rules. He had to make his own rules. So he came up with a list of rules, no hard alcohol when the boy was home ( every other week). No starting until 7. No driving. No hiding it. And if none of this works, he'll quit.
What I didn't know is he was would stretch every rule he made.
And manipulate the rules as he saw fit. I never flat out confronted him, browbeat him, or humiliated him. But I was being the drinking police, counting how many he had, how many were left, watching him for signs of the reptile ( signaling a black out) looking for hidden bottles etc
Finally a week and a half ago, i was 1 day post op on a hernia surgery, we were at home, he was having what he calls his ration which is 2 4 loko's, and as many beers as he could drink. Ordinarily this ration would include a half pin of schnapps so I guess he was trying to be good ( sarcasm) and passing out during the movie we were watching. I was uncomfortable and angry, and I said that I was disappointed that knowing I just had surgery he chose to drink. He said that I was past the 24 hour window, and that if i didn't want him to drink, i should have said so earlier. ( wtf!?!) and we argued. He told me to get the f*** out of his house, that he payed the bills and he made the rules. Soooo i did. After four days, i came back to tell him I was leaving. He was in bed, hungover and vomiting ( i don't even know what all he drank to induce that, never seen him vomit before) had missed work and wanted to fight every detail. He did say he should have never told me to get out, that he was being mean for the sake of meaness. I finally told him that I hated that he drank. Hated the smell. Hated how he looked when he drank. Hated waking up in his ****. Hated it all. And he said he didnt know I felt this way. I told him toget help and i walked. Was hard because the codie in me wanted to take care of him, feed him, wash him up, but I walked.
I moved all my stuff out this past Sunday the 8th. I also told his parents, he brother and his friends what was happening and what had been happening, that he needed to get help. I used to say that I would never ask him to choose because i know i would lose. What I know now id I never had a chance.
I have my own place, and will be moving in this coming weekend.
Here is my problem... Is it possible to keep a relationship with him, should I keep a relationship with him? We have texted, he says he loves me and wants to work it out, he has not promised to quit, in fact he says he is scared he can't. He has said that when arguing he wants to when so he doesn't fight fair. I told him he that he should have took that will to win and applied it to us. He says he is scared because he is afraid he can't quit drinking . I have told him that I will not live in his house. Period. My thought is According to his "rules" if it's my house I can make the rules. No drinking in my house. No drinking before you come to see me. If you aren't ready to quit, fine, but i will not be around it. Will this work? Or is it more codie crap on my part? I don't know what to do. I miss sober him. I love sober him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 579
First of all, I don't think you're mean. If by "keep a relationship" you mean being romantically involved, how would it any different now than what you've seen the past year? Other than he can't throw you out of the house again. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to keep things going as long as he is actively drinking. What you've seen is what you'll get. Just my thoughts, but I don't love him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 27
Lol. The meanone is a reference to the Grinch. One of my favorite cartoons. Only that and nothing more.
And yes be romantically involved, but removed from the day to day struggle. This is all so new and painful still.
I don't know if i should cut my losses now or hope against hope.
And yes be romantically involved, but removed from the day to day struggle. This is all so new and painful still.
I don't know if i should cut my losses now or hope against hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 1,149
I can tell you from the perspective of an alcoholic that once I start drinking, there is absolutely nothing on earth that can keep me from drinking. No woman, no pleading, nothing gets between me and my booze.
Until he decides to stop on his own you will likely see repeat performances from him...over and over and over.........
Whatever your decision though, I wish you all the best.
Until he decides to stop on his own you will likely see repeat performances from him...over and over and over.........
Whatever your decision though, I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
Welcome meanone,
I am sorry you are struggling with this.
I do not have any advice on this – some people quit but it is probably mostly a long process with many surprises.
It is rather typical that alcoholics get mean and defensive if their weakness is exposed.
I would read some of the stories in the friends and familiy section, there a lot of experience there, many rather heartbreaking. I am not sure it strengthens once optimism but it does probably add to the realism.
Take care of yourself.
I am sorry you are struggling with this.
I do not have any advice on this – some people quit but it is probably mostly a long process with many surprises.
It is rather typical that alcoholics get mean and defensive if their weakness is exposed.
I would read some of the stories in the friends and familiy section, there a lot of experience there, many rather heartbreaking. I am not sure it strengthens once optimism but it does probably add to the realism.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 27
Thank you all so much. Maybe I do need time to put my self back together and get settled in my new home. Time to enjoy my awesome kid. It's all still so fresh. And I am trying to seperate what is co-dependant behavior and what is normal heartbroke blues. Trying to maintain radio silence is hard. And I know I can't stop him. I know that he needs to do it himself. It is hard to realize that you aren't enough. That we weren't enough.
I feel like an idiot. No normal person would even question getting back into this.
I feel like an idiot. No normal person would even question getting back into this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi meanone,
Your post could have been written by my ex-gf to describe our relationship. I was very much like your bf in behaviours and drinking patterns. Like your situation, my ex didn't know the full extent of my drinking problem until we moved in together. We also drew up some 'rules' to limit my drinking to certain amounts and times of the week. None of it worked and I just descended further into alcoholism until I ended up in rehab.
I can tell you from personal experience that your bf will most likely not get any better without some help. Hopefully, he realizes he needs it.
Your post could have been written by my ex-gf to describe our relationship. I was very much like your bf in behaviours and drinking patterns. Like your situation, my ex didn't know the full extent of my drinking problem until we moved in together. We also drew up some 'rules' to limit my drinking to certain amounts and times of the week. None of it worked and I just descended further into alcoholism until I ended up in rehab.
I can tell you from personal experience that your bf will most likely not get any better without some help. Hopefully, he realizes he needs it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 27
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was concerned about posting and grateful now that I have. I needed the support. I need to take care of my family, my son and I.
I have encouraged him to get support, he is still in denial, thats why I told his friends and his folks. Tired of keeping secrets. I wasn't doing anyone any favors.
But after what i have read here tonight, and in the friends and family section, my resolve in hardening. One step at a time. Not to sound cliche, but it is how I am moving for now.
I have encouraged him to get support, he is still in denial, thats why I told his friends and his folks. Tired of keeping secrets. I wasn't doing anyone any favors.
But after what i have read here tonight, and in the friends and family section, my resolve in hardening. One step at a time. Not to sound cliche, but it is how I am moving for now.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
One step at a time is how we face adversity. Have you considered or do you go to AlAnon? There's a ton of support there from people who have probably been through similar experiences. I'm a drunk and even i don't know how to live with me so how can i tell anyone else how to? My husband has done a little AlAnon stuff but we don't have a child so there's a lot less for us to deal with. He supports my recovery but not my relapses. How he lives with me, i'll never know. I'm a good person sober but i'm just a dramatic mess drunk. All his desperate pleas have not fallen on deaf ears but if i'm going to drink, nothing is going to stop me and that's the sad truth. Love is not an issue here. It's desire. Does he desire to be with you or does he desire to drink?
Fear is normal for the alcoholic. We're afraid of getting sober and we're afraid of being drunk. Many of us stay in the drunk because it's what we know and we seem to have survived so far, right? He could use the support of fellow sober alcoholics to show him that it is possible and to tell him how they did it.
Fear is normal for the alcoholic. We're afraid of getting sober and we're afraid of being drunk. Many of us stay in the drunk because it's what we know and we seem to have survived so far, right? He could use the support of fellow sober alcoholics to show him that it is possible and to tell him how they did it.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Themeanone 
I miss sober him. I love sober him.
I give you credit for sticking out a year. But I'd suggest you move on. Your son doesn't need to be around an active alcoholic. 12 is an impressionable age.
And should your bf get into recovery, give him a year to prove he can stay sober. And if you can't do that without agonizing about the A in your life, get yourself to an Al-anon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
You ask specifically if you should keep up a relationship with him. My personal response would be yes, if you are that fond of him (or even love him?), but only if you accept that he might never change and might even end up killing himself with booze (at the level he is consuming it seems a distinct possibility). Expecting him to change when he has shown no indication that he can or will do will just be a constant drain on you.
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