LillianGish

And that's coming through loud and clear. Good for you Dude.

If you are bored, go read about Diana Nyad. At age 64 she tried like six times to swim from Cuba to Florida...without a shark cage getting stung by jelly fish. She kept trying until she made it.

She never gave up!

Dee74

I think you've gotten some good advice here Aug.

you seem to be in a holding pattern with a lot of things - your living arrangements, your relationship, your drinking...

maybe you need to take a few firm decisions - make some real changes?

D

AugustWest11

I understand that Dee; I really do .. But there are no real changes I could possibly make here .. At least w\ out being homeless or back in my home town; where I KNOW there is and would be no hope for me to stay sober past 1 hour .. The holding pattern on a couple things should let up soon .. But as for living arrangements; that can't change unless I go to the streets ..

Dee74

I understand there may be changes you feel you can't make - those are always easy to identify - but what about the changes you can?

D

AugustWest11

I am open for suggestions Dee lol But really can not think of any changes Then the ones I have already made. will think deeply tonight while I post; since I can't seem to sleep anyway :p

Dee74

Only the suggestions you've gotten before Aug

I'm not trying to beat you up but if you simply keep doing what you've been doing, it's pretty much assured you'll get the same results.

I hope you can think of some stuff to add or do differently

D

AugustWest11

I understand :p Last time I thought this through; leaving here did not end well. As little to no support I have here; back in my home town I would have nothing but encouragement TO drink .. Not to mention no motivation to quit. No desire to quit . & a ton of other things. I weighed all the options before I got on the plane back in June. Here is where I NEED to be, want to be, and should be. I had no life in my home town, no job, nothing . Here I am a hard working respected PERSON; I have actually gotten some self respect living here . Moving out right now isn't an option b\c of the red tape I am having to deal w\

hayley86

Is your ex and her mother supportive of you wanting to quit drinking?. You seemed really concerned about Wednesday for a few days now. I know its not easy to say no to something when you feel obligated but i think you need to put your sobriety first. If you know something is such a trigger for you its probably best to avoid going at all costs. You have to put yourself and your sobriety first. Wishing you the best.

AugustWest11

Thanx ... More supportive then not .. My Ex. is trying to distance herself from me to protect her heart and her mother is trying to help me be able to stay up here and Live; so she has been supportive. I have to go to breakfast; there is no way to get out of it .. So taking all the advice I am going to go, try to eat, & be as open and honest as I can and explain that I can not meet any more b\c it triggers stress and nerves in me and causes me to want to drink. I am confident she will understand and be supportive. Just tomorrow is a scary thought right now lol

DayTrader

That became apparent to me. I'd want to quit......decide to quit......make plans to keep me away from that next drink......... but I'd end up drinking AGAIN!

Surrendering to the proposition that I didn't have a consistent lifelong guarantee that I'd never drink again freaked me out. "If I can't keep myself sober forever, now what?" I thought. It sure didn't seem like that was the right track to a solution but it sure was for me. Talk about trying something new - admitting that, in my experience, nothing I'd done seemed to work - that sure was something new. And once I realized nothing I was likely to do would work, that opened me up for a whole LOT of new things to try. I got a whole new life outta that bit of "trying something different" and it's worked for over 6 years now.

It's out there August....a solution for you. You just haven't done it yet. Keep looking. Everyone can recover.

ImperfectlyMe

August I really feel for you!!! May I ask a few questions, if it in anyway over steps boundaries fell free to tell me to none of my business!!!

Was your breakup with you ex mutual or one sided? You seem so stuck and this JUST my observation, and I mean it from a good place. I would think it would be a tremendous struggle DAILY to live in a situation like that. Reminded of love lost, and bad memories. Wanting to change but getting in your own way.

Your x inlaws seem to be very involved in your lives still I totally get that. ( have overbearing ones). Your MIL most likely is coming from a good place and concerned for you and her daughter. But if its done its done and being stuck there due to circumstances must be extremely painfull and stunting. Is permanent disability and SS an option?

I feel terrible for you because I know how bad you want this... The battle between head and heart. One is always going to be wrong! Thinking of you! Hang in there, good luck at breakfast!

AugustWest11

Thanx Day; I will look around ...

IM; if You "over stepped" I would let ya know Now to answer some questions ...
All one sided; her side lol
It is extremely difficult; but her Mom actually is helping me w\ the process of SSI and all .. As I said in a precious thread or somewhere; she is asocial worker and knows all the red tape and hopes I need to jump through .. She does mean well; and Breakfast was not as bad as I made it out to be ( surprise surprise :p ) I am a drama queen sometimes :p

That said; it was a "good" chat as far as that goes; she wanted me to know that if I chose to stay up here; I will always have her and her husband, even if my Ex wants nothing to do w\ me and so on .. She knows how difficult her daughter can be sometimes; as well as how difficult MY battle is w\ alcoholism .. Again; TY all for your support and suggestions .. I am so tired of reading though :p But when I get through this SSI thing; I will be able to change doctors to one that CARES and such and get help w\ my alcohol as well as better help w\ my pain ..

AW

jdooner

This is not medical advice: Have you spoken with your Dr.? There are some drugs that can help you with the early part of recovery and combined with therapy might make this easier for you.

I follow your posts to find strength for myself and it seemed over the past couple days that things were worsening. If your mind really wants to be sober, how about a plan to stay sober. This should get your heart into it.

Nobody can take away the past two weeks you achieved - its up to you to learn from this so you don't relapse next time and what you can do better.

Have you thought about a structure program to attend? AA, RR or therapy where you are accountable to someone in person? Perhaps this might be your trick.

Have you thought about telling the people around you about your disease and asking for their help?

AugustWest11

Thanx ... AA & Such groups are out for me; at least for now seeing as I have anxiety issues that have long been ingrained into me and can not deal w\ clusters of more then 2 People .. As for the people around me; there are 2 My ex. and Her mother lol So ya they know and as I said support me to a point .. I was working on a plan; but have since discarded that plan seeing as it has been nothing but a "pipe dream" .. Have spoken w\ my Doc. many times and She is a tool :| As a matter of fact; i can lay the blame for most of my pain on her and her fears of the state ... But once all this BS red tape gets cleared up and all .. I am gonna be looking for a new Doc .. One whom actually still cares about the patient and not the state or $$$ .. Hard to find yes; impossible, I hope not .. As for the "drugs" not sure what ones you may seem to mean; but the "drugs" are the problem w\ my doc as it is; so I doubt she would prescribe any more .. as I said she is part of a state funded clinic and when I moved here I chose this place out of convenience .. Since then my Doc. has changed 4 times; in 5 years .. and each one has gradually gotten worse My Original Doc changed fields so I was left w\ out a choice at the time .. Now I am just waiting for red tape and the state to finish w\ my Medical Insurance review then I will find a new one .. Thankfully; I have not yet "relapsed"; yes I have had slips and drank; but as a Binge drinker I know it could have been so Much worse and am thankful I knew NOT to go down that road ..

I am not justifying my slips by any means .. I am terribly disappointed in myself b\c I have been so strong .. But I am putting them in the past and moving on .. I know your right; Getting a structured plan together is essential right now ... So spending today seeing what I can do and what needs to be done ..

That all said and done; I have even already made some progress in my red tape struggle I went to my Big Boss and finally got a letter I needed from him w\ out having to involve HR and go through all that BS as well ... So score 1 for today .. Thanx

AW

ScottFromWI

I've said this before and I'll say it again AW, but re-read the first paragraph of your reply above. In every instance where a suggestion is given as to how you might move forward with your recovery, you have a reason why that suggestion wont' work. AA/Group Recovery? Can't go because of anxiety. See a doctor? Doctor is a tool. Drugs to help with anxiety? Maybe I'l ask my doc..but wait, see reply to #2. My recovery plan? Didn't work so I threw it out. And on, and on and on.

What you need to do is start opening your mind up a little bit and making change - even if just in baby steps. For example, for weeks/months you keep saying that your doctor is no good. So instead of complaining and not going, why not find a different doctor? You live in an area where there are most likely hundreds of doctors, if not thousands. And you have plenty of time, and i'm assuming a phone - why not call around and see if there is one that will see you?

That is just an example. But the point I'm trying to make is that you need to do SOMETHING to change. Because what you are doing now will just keep you in this cycle for ever. Let us help you friend!

AugustWest11

I fully understand what your saying Scott .. It does seem that I have a blockage for everything .. But until the Paper work is done and all w\ SSI I can not change doctors .. i have been advised of that .. As for Anxiety issues; I do not want to talk to my general Doctor about anything; and until my paper work is done w\ the state of MA.; I am not allowed to seek a pysch. unless I pay out of pocket; which I can not do working 19 hours a week

As much as it seems; ( and it is a couple times ) that I am "blocking" things; I have been dealt a hand I am trying to deal w\ here . My situation is better off then allot of people I am sure .. But it is unique in such I am "trapped" and actually getting support here more then I would elsewhere .. So I am taking the day to read more and hopefully find some way to make a change in my "plan" ..

EndGameNYC

Hey August.

Props to you for using SR for support.

It's very difficult to get and remain sober when we place non-negotiable conditions on our sobriety. "Therapy never worked for me." "I don't like groups." "I'm an atheist." "I don't like AA." "I don't have the luxury of stopping altogether, since my job requires drinking." "I can't stop until my best friend's wedding is over." "There's no help where I live." I'll do Steps 1, 2, 3, and 4, but I'm not telling a stranger about my character defects, and I'm certainly not making amends to people who tried to screw me." "I get panic attacks when I'm around people." "I get panic attacks when I'm at home." "What with my work and all my family issues, I'm too busy to get sober." "What I imagine people think about me makes me paranoid, so I don't want others' help."

People attempt to empathize with those who are suffering. What often happens is that our empathy is used as a reason to continue doing what we're doing, drinking included. As a means of example, people who struggle with clinical depression are not easy to be around because of their very profound and observable symptoms that tend to bring us down. We see their suffering in so many ways, and usually we're just happy that it's not me who's suffering. We tend to pamper them and expect very little from them. So the depressed person doesn't join other people in a range of activities and responsibilities (such as parenting), because they are emotionally disabled. Expectations are lowered for them, and they're happy to take the pass. This freedom from responsibilities is often called "secondary gain." It's a "gain" in the sense that our disability allows us to miss work, skip financial responsibilities, and not participate in a range of other responsibilities.

My thing is this: Working on "underlying issues" and other problems before putting down the drink is mostly futile. It's another excuse to continue drinking. But if we're unable or unwilling to work on our other stuff when we are sober, then when will we ever do this?

Since you experience anxiety when you're around people, now may be the best time to work on that. After all, you can't possibly imagine that you'll live a solitary life forever? I know about all your red-tape stuff, but it does seem in the interim you're doing a lot of standing still, surrendering to your malaise; in your work, your recovery and in the last gasps of your relationship. If you have ambitions for a better job or career, you'll most likely need to deal with more than one or two people at a time. This generally holds true with much of our life experiences.

What I'm saying is, if your anxiety is a condition of your getting sober, then you have a built-in reason not get the help you need based on that. And your claiming that you'll most definitely drink were you forced to move back to your home town sounds more like a plan than a prediction or a concern.

The only job you have right now is to stay sober, and to get all the help you can with that. Your work, GF and everything else is secondary and will only work themselves out if you commit yourself to sobriety and everything that comes with that.

ScottFromWI

What exactly is your plan currently? Sometimes it helps for me to literally write it down. Especially in early sobriety I kept a very detailed schedule of what I would be doing each day. Not every item on my schedule was related to my "sobriety plan" but it was a schedule nonetheless and left no time for "just not drinking"...which inevitably leads to drinking.

Here are a few things you could do that wouldn't be affected by any of your current "blockages" ( Ex/MIL, "red tape", doctor issues, etc )

1. Read the AA big book. It's available online for free - just google "AA Big Book". It's a free pdf download so you can save it offline too. You don't have to ever even plan on joining AA or going to a single meeting to get some benefit from it. I don't go to AA and I still read it from time to time.

2. Read about the secular recovery methods like AVRT/Smart/etc. There is also much of this literature available online for free. Perhaps one of these methods may work better for you as they don't require live interaction with large groups of people.

3. Spend some time in the boards about Anxiety here. Getting better in regards to your Anxiety has to start somewhere, and talking with others in the same boat helps just like talking with other alcoholics here.

4. Join a live online Chat meeting. There are online AA meetings and even the Chat room here. Great places to get used to meeting others anonymously yet get real time interaction.

And that's just off the top of my head. You will find many, many other things as well as you read through and meet others.