phoebe64

I find I feel less depressed as I get sober and maintain it. Alcohol definitely contributes to my depression and anxiety.

Exercise helps all of it. Even just simple, regular walks.

foolsgold66

We care about you Ach, don't give up, you seem to be a talented and intelligent person, you just need some help. I think talking to the doctors could help, it just may take some effort to get the right therapy.

jesternudder

I too suffer from depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I take an antidepressant and it has helped me so much. I used to have the constant "internal negative chatter" going on- repeated thoughts of "I am an idiot!" and dwelling nonstop on negative events of the past. Now I only feel that way when hung over, which is one of the main reasons I am working on ceasing the binge drinking.
One thing that helped me before the anti-d was to sit down and make a list of ANYTHING I could find to be grateful for. It seemed like grasping at straws sometimes and my list would be things like 1) I am warm and dry 2) I have clean water to drink 3) I have a pen and paper to make a list .... and so on. It really helped though to consciously be grateful for anything I could think of and shut my negative brain up a bit.
Spending time outdoors in nature helped too, even if it was just a slow trudge around the park. Hang in there!

Nattythreads

"Advice" like that is just plain dangerous and irresponsible. Please go and see your doctor.

happyhour

ach, how's it going today? i notice your posts generally get more and more dark as the night goes on, i don't make any big decisions or send an important email to someone, or return a call that might be challenging after @ 8pm, i wait for tomorrow.

there is a acronym to staying healthy and sober - H.A.L.T. don't allow yourself to ever get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. these are our most vulnerable times for a relapse or making a bad choice.

thanks for all your posts, by reading them they have really helped me and i have learned. so, thanks.

serious

to me that was the main reason why i drank.
anxiety and depression. (it's been going on for over 10 years).

at first i could never understand why my hangovers were always tougher than my drinking buddies. eventually i realized that i was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and falling into depression because of drinking.

unfortunately i learned that having a drink seems to remove some of the depressive/anxiety symptoms. so i started drinking 24/7 to "feel normal".

only after months of sobriety did i finally see what it's like to really "feel normal".

i would say that majority of alcoholics probably suffer from anxiety or depression, that's why we drink the way we do.

happyhour

this might not apply to any of you, but being sober is making me depressed, i feel like i am just in a self protective womb, walking around avoiding everything that might be a trigger, stressful event, upsetting, or a reason to relapse, even "downplaying" good news. (i think these things are also referred to as "living"). ha. can you say "eyeore"

so, it is making my world smaller, more scary, and tentative.

at least when i drank, i had highs, and felt alive and even the anxiety made my mobile.

this is stupid talk, and it is dangerously close to thinking that drinking is somehow better than where am at, but - i just feel dead inside. anyone? tell me i am not a sack-o...?

resolute50

It would be silly to say that I don't have feeling of depression wash over me from time to time. But,I must say before getting sober I felt like I was made of plastic.

Just a doll going through the daily routine of the same old same old.
I rarely smiled let alone have a good belly laugh. Those feelings are thought were long gone.

But, now I have a bit of joy that has returned in my life.
I hope to fuel that feeling and help it grow more and more throughout the days of my life. I know now what people mean when they say "i'm high on life".

serious

i can totally relate to this. (especially today).
i want to lock myself in the room and not come out for the fear of getting liquored up again.

i'm not sure how long you've been sober, but all these feeling you are describing will pass... i remember in my initial recovery it took me at least 10 days to even feel a hint of hope. then sober time went by and i was happy and joyful and smiling and not fearing passing by a liquor store.

alphaomega

Thank you for this thread. I wonder if I have depression. God knows I have GAD. How does one get diagnosed with depression. ?

serious

one thing of caution though, is not to start looking for symptoms that are not there.

a doctor might be quick to prescribe you a pill, which can make life truly horrible (like alcohol isn't enough). i

please don't confuse a true/clinical depression with a crappy day or two that we all have.

alphaomega

I have found that every SINGLE time I try to quit - about. 10 different times - I feel great fit the first few weeks. Then, slowly, I start to feel worse and worse and worse until I wind up not being able to stay in my skin. So I drink. In the past I got to 82 days before I caved.

This thread has been a real eye opener. I wonder if all these decades I have been clinically depressed and self medicated with alcohol.

Amanda1

My goodness, this thread describes me exactly as I was 10 years ago! I was a severe alcoholic for a long time and when I went for help, I was also diagnosed with depression, an anxiety disorder and a mild psychotic disorder... although it was difficult for them to figure everything out properly as I was still drinking. No one knew which came first, the depression or the drinking but ultimately it didn't matter. My depression couldn't be treated properly until I stopped drinking which was a couple of years later. Personally I think mental health and alcohol problems are related, it just becomes a tangled mess where there is no demarcation where one starts and the other ends. Im so glad you're seeing a Dr. Hopefully he or she will be understanding and sympathetic to your needs. You WILL get this sorted, it just might take a little time so hang in there. I'm still on antidepressants and anxiety medication 8 years after I stopped drinking and most of the time, my head is in a place that's not bad. Thinking of you x

AllieB

You could start by talking to your primary doc about your mood symptoms. Primary care docs aren't good with rare or complicated mood disorders, but they can usually diagnose and treat unipolar depression. If the depression is refractory (hard to treat), she can refer you to a shrink.

However, it's difficult to separate out depression from withdrawal (and, potentially, depending on how you feel about the phenomenon, PAWS). I notice that you've been sober about a month now....if you're not open with your doc about your recovery, bear in mind that withdrawal may be a factor.

You might want to do some internet research about anti-depressants before you talk to your doc. Some have nasty side-effects, and some have nasty withdrawals. Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Prozac have the fewest problems that I know of. Effexor and many others have nastier profiles (the problems are worth it for some people for whom other drugs don't work, but not for everyone). Primary care docs are wonderful, but they are not shrinks, and they're not always well informed about the details of anti-depressants.

Anti-depressants probably saved my life once or twice in my pre-drinking past when I was closer than usual to suicide, but they're definitely not a magic bullet, and it's not always easy to find the right anti-depressant. So, if you do follow that route, be patient, and be realistic in your expectations.

Nuudawn

Acheleus...my friend. You literally threw your wellbutrin med's and the other in the garbage? That is very definitive (almost sabotaging behaviour). You see where I am going with this my friend? You and I have been at this about the same amount of time...just over three months right.

Did you throw your med's away before because I know that this last time was not the first time you went off. I ask all this because I have only been sober 3 months and you've been around all along my friend : ) The only way we have differed is that I have stayed the course in sobriety.

What I am trying to say here is you must stay the course with something...something my friend. Sobriety..the med's...AA...something.

A long time ago I read that love simply means "to stay". Now that may be an oversimplification of love..but I do believe there is a very powerful message. You have to stay with you Ache. You have to see it through. Loving YOU is staying with YOU...staying with sobriety ....staying with the help doctors are offering....staying with SR...staying at school...staying with your life right now..the way it is and BUILDING...

Build your sobriety..rebalance your mind. Anti depressants take at least 3 weeks to start doing what they should be doing. Your brain chemistry is all out of whack and you need to rebalance it. What is the longest you have stayed on med's when prescribed?

Acheleus

2 and a half weeks. My dad and his siblings tried anti depressants and the side effects are too bad. I could not think on them, they scared me. I really do mot know why I keep messing up. I need a sponsor and to not let school and work stress me out. I have been staying and reading on SR a lot. I am scared of myself, like there is some awful person in me bent on destruction. I just stay in my apt
To stay away from alcohol.

LadyinBC

Please don't give up on yourself, we need you here.

trikyriky

That's how I feel and to be honest it has got to get better. I've used , bad day , good day , for any reason. To numb myself from having any thoughts at all as I tend to overthink everything. I mean everything , like what i just now said or did. I relive every decision every verbal contact . It s...cks.

Your no sack-o...

Acheleus : the sponsor , good idea man .

Always
Tr

Nuudawn

What you are actually is saying is that neither your dad or his sibling stayed on the med's? What is the state of your dad's current mental health..and that of his siblings?
.
What were the side effects that were SO bad? Dry mouth and spaciness? Side effects occur whilst your brain acclimitizes. I'm betting they all gave up before a month was up.

I have no more answers Ache. I truly hope you are able to do things to help yourself. I hope you find some faith. I hope you read some books that nourish your soul and spirit. I hope you connect with others in recovery who share your pain. I hope you be part of experiences that make you smile and laugh. I hope you extend yourself to others and feel like your offering is of benefit to others. I hope you smile and recognize another soul when you walk down the street. Most of all....I hope you learn how to take care of yourself. No one else will. They will extend their hand but no one will look after you but you.

All the best.

Coldfusion

Acheleus, I think professional support might be helpful--I mean in the sense of a mentor or co-worker. I don't hear you mention any such person or group, so I guess if they do exist they are not helpful.

In retrospect, if I had support in college I probably would have graduated and maybe even not wasted many years on alcoholism. Who knows. But I can see now that by "networking" with faculty or other students, I could have gotten a wide variety of support that I was lacking.

My father was a teacher, and your posts have made me think of him a lot. He was never thrilled by any of the teaching jobs he had. I think teachers are idealists, and they teach students idealism, but there is never an ideal school. There are always personnel and financial issues. But my Dad had a few teaching jobs that were okay, because he had a group of co-workers from whom he got support.

We're only a forum. We can only offer our experience, share strength, and suggest hope.