javamama

I dont know what its gonna take to get through to me. I hadnt drank in 8 days and then I tried to moderate yesterday. .what a joke. My hubby only bought me one small bottle of wine to make sure I didnt get drunk. Of course I finished that and when he went to bed tried looking for anything with alcohol in it apparently. I dont quite remember that much but I know I was taking swigs of the cooking wine. I have been in AA since May but it's like I think it will be ok to still drink. I am meeting with a new sponsor tomorrow morning. I need to come clean about it all. I want all this chaos to stop. I had been hiding vodka bottles in my closet before this. I came clean to my husband about that but then I still drink. I feel hopeless. Why cant I stop?

Imabuleva

Welcome to SR.

Hang around here for some encouragement, javamama.

Malachi

I'm only on Day 9 myself, so I'm in no position to give advice to anyone, but it's good that you came on here and posted. And also it's great that you're meeting tomorrow with a new sponsor! Being proactive about our problems is a step closer to solving them. I wish you the best. You are stronger than you think!

ZeldaFan

I'm glad you came here to share. It's been a huge resource for me (even before I became an active member) to help me realize my problem. I, too, for the longest time thought I could just limit myself and that would make everything better. However, once that first drop of alcohol hit my lips I had to have more and more and more until I eventually passed out. I hope to see you continue posting and sharing on here with this great community!

Nuudawn

Hey friend..I think there are a few unsuccessful attempts at moderation before we really "get" the fact that the only way we can do the work within that needs to be done is by taking alcohol COMPLETELY out of the equation. Eventually, we come to the point that alcohol is just not an option to turn to for any reason..not for anxiety, not for stress, not to celebrate, not to escape, not to feel "included" with other drinkers, not to kill boredom, not to make a meal taste better or ATTEMPT to meet some romantic (but ridiculous) notion of alcohol in our heads.

It has to go friend. For me, I simply decided to stay "present" in my now..face life sober in the "now" and all the arriving situations as they come. Commit to being sober in your now and dealing with life as it comes..with all your wits about you.

happyhour

java, glad you posted and that you checked in. for me, why became a futile question. i just know i can't drink. it's also good you came clean, our secrets make us sicker.

welcome, today is a new day.

FeenixxRising

You can stop Javamama. Since you're in AA, I suggest rereading Chapter 3 of the BB. The day after my last drunk I reread this passage and for some reason it really stuck:

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking"

After many relapses I realized I had never fully conceded deep down inside that I could not control my drinking. I also realized I had always had "lurking notions" in the back of my head that I could control my drinking.

Everyday, I reread passages in Chapter 3, and everyday I remind myself that I have to concede that I can never drink with control, and everyday I dispel any lurking notions that I'll ever be able to drink with control.

It's been 36 days now--my longest period of sobriety this year--and I honestly believe that my complete concession to my alcoholism has been the main reason for my success to date.

BTW, one does not need to belong to AA in order to benefit from these passages, as I believe they apply to anyone who is struggling.

EndGameNYC

There was a woman on an episode of A&E's Intervention who drank half-gallon bottles of Listerine. What was confusing to me was that her husband, who seemed determined to keep her away from alcohol, and wouldn't allow booze in their home, seemed to have little problem with her stockpiling and drinking Listerine, even though he attempted to keep her away from it as well.

There are all kinds of folks who drank mouthwash, cologne, Sterno, rubbing alcohol, and anything else that contains alcohol to catch a buzz.

KristyCat

Don't feel too down on yourself about this--honestly for most of us, we have learned the hard way that we just absolutely CANNOT moderate by trial and error (and failure each time lol). Think of this as a valuable learning experience.

If you were asking "why can't I stop (once I've started?)" then the answer is totally bio-chemical. Even one or two drinks will set off an intense, urgent craving for more. I believe it's due to our synapses being flooded with dopamine, and our brain being unable to make rational decisions or foresee consequences due to the alcohol. My point being that it's out of your control at this point, which is why you found yourself ran-sacking the house for anything with alcohol in it.

The good news is that with a good recovery program and a lot of support, you can fight the urge to take that first drink And in time, the desire and cravings become weaker and more manageable.

KristyCat

I remember this episode. I remember thinking they might as well have alcohol in the house, at this point that's healthier than all the chemicals that are in mouthwash...ekk!

Malachi

I remember this one really really well. Her name was Leslie. I remember watching that episode with my wine in hand and thinking, "I'm not as bad as her." I left out the most important word - YET.

pinkdog

Hi javamama, I can relate. I drank the vanilla extract and mouthwash. I say get them out of your house. And the cooking wine. You can buy the imitation vanilla, it doesn't have any alcohol and alcohol-free mouthwash. I hid my alcohol too. I felt I was getting away with something. Eventually it became just me and the alcohol. Me against the alcohol. Java, make a list of the things you do not like about alcohol. I remind myself daily the reasons why I quit. Sobriety is so much better. Nothing to hide. Very best wishes. You can do this.

DoubleBarrel

Yes. Please never never never drink mouthwash.

I knew someone who I really cared about who did this, and he died.

There are detergents in mouthwash that are toxic if swallowed. This is NOT an alternative to alcohol.

there is a very good reason that it says do not swallow on the bottle.

I know that we all strive for absolute sobriety, but drinking mouthwash is literally a death wish.

LillianGish

Javamama, when my mama was alive she used to say an old quote to me, and always gave me hope that things were going to get better.

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

I hope the dawn is coming for you soon. Don't stop trying...you're so close to seeing the light.

((Hugs))

Dee74

I would drink all day every day - I did that for 5 years.

I used to wonder why I couldn't stop either Javamama but I reached out a little more, tried a few new recovery tools, found a little hope, and got the balance right.

I haven't drunk for nearly seven years now - I know you can do this too .

best wishes with your new sponsor

D

happyhour

so so true. thanks for reminding me.

Croissant

Hi Java. Are you wanting to stop, or trying to control the drinking? Which one is it?

Each time you stop, you think you can control it. Each time you start, you want to stop.

If you read back through your posts, it may remind you why you wanted to stop, that you said that you can't moderate. You say you will lose your husband, but he is buying you alcohol?

I feel sorry that you were desperately looking for more alcohol last night...I've been there many times when I was actively drinking and miscalculated how much alcohol I'd need for the night. Unfortunately, history pretty much tells us that once we fire up those alcoholic receptors when we were active alcoholics....after that, our body and its reactions will never be like everybody else when it comes to alcohol. It will also most likely not be predictable, just like it was when we were actively, knowingly drinking.

I hope you find a way to use what you are learning and stick to the decision to not drink. Life is a lot simpler by just saying 'no'.

Anna

Java, I'm glad you posted and that you are committed to stop drinking.

EndGameNYC

Yeah, I was fascinated by this episode and all the family dynamics that allowed her to continue being drunk all day long.

I saw the show when I was sober but, sure enough, when I relapsed, I would mix mouthwash with vodka when I was running low on vodka.

I'm certain that I'm not the only one here who would have been the star of alcoholic degradation on Intervention.

Eddiebuckle

Because you are an alcoholic. The only way an alcoholic can stop drinking is to never start again. It sounds stupid, but it's the truth: although I have been sober for over three years, I have only given up one drink. I avoid that first drink every day; it is what keeps me sober, happy, and safe.