Kaneda8888

I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. I know that I am in a stressful situation this weekend but I prepared for it. Managed not to bust for a few days but then the stress got to me this evening after a mild argument. It all built up and I deliberately chose to have 2 drinks. Sure, it's only 2 but I am an alcoholic. Moderate drinking is not part of my vocabulary. I know where it will lead to, I've been there and I don't want to go back to that hell. My weakness I know is walking past liquor shops. I normally make sure I steer clear of them but if I drop my guard I am suckered again. I go to tons of AA meetings and they make me feel better and I know I have made huge progress compared to the drunken mess I was 3 and a bit months ago. In fact, I would have been drunk by this time of night on a Saturday if it wasn't for AA and my sponsor. But I can't stay stopped ! I think I am just not committed enough. I don't want it enough. But I don't want to hit rock bottom to get that desire. I am rambling and being self centered so I apologies for that. Rehab has been recommended as it means no way to access alcohol but I am terrified of doing that. I tried urge during and it worked but then I chose to drink. Dammit, I want to stop this game !

Thanks for reading my ramble.

LSC1

Welcome to sober recovery kaneda .. great seeing yoi in chat

Remember pop into chat BEFORE you go into tha tbottle shop. At least get on the forums and post on your September class .

jazzfish

You sound like I did for the last 30 years of drinking. I did want to stay stopped (and you do too), but I couldn't seem to muster the commitment or the make a definite decision to stay sober. I ALWAYS wanted to keep my options open. For me, this was part being a hopeless people pleaser and I never wanted to disappoint someone by not drinking. Of course, I had played out this game in my head rather than basing it on real reactions of people. It was also part that being a drunk gave me a convenient excuse to fail. I always had an out.

I wish there was something magic I could say that would make it happen. It only happened to me recently. One thing that did help was working on deep acceptance of my alcoholism. It was easy for me to agree that I was an alcoholic, but harder to accept that I was an alcoholic, would be for life, AND that meant there was only ONE course of action if I was going to ever live a healthy life - and that course of action is to not drink ever again.