Feeling Pretty Lousy
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1
Feeling Pretty Lousy
Hi All,
Last night my bf was suppose to go to detox. He didn't and I haven't been able to get a hold of him. I just feel so anger, hurt and frustrated. I checked our bank account and that's how I found out. He is so lost right now and I just think it might be best to part from him until he can get clean. I've tried to help him so many times to get clean but ultimately that is a decision he has to make. He's just tried so many times but lately I'm so worried about his health and so many other things. We have kids together and he just doesn't seem to care about anything but drugs. He has been what he considers a functioning addict for several years now but now he can't even keep a job. Its so difficult to see the person you love, just destroy themselves and you can't stop it. He relapsed a few months ago and this time its hit our family so hard, financially and emotionally. 3 months ago he had a great job and we were pretty great, then he hung out with an old buddy and relapsed. I just feel like I have another big child and not a partner anymore. I have no other family here but my kids so it's pretty lonely.
Last night my bf was suppose to go to detox. He didn't and I haven't been able to get a hold of him. I just feel so anger, hurt and frustrated. I checked our bank account and that's how I found out. He is so lost right now and I just think it might be best to part from him until he can get clean. I've tried to help him so many times to get clean but ultimately that is a decision he has to make. He's just tried so many times but lately I'm so worried about his health and so many other things. We have kids together and he just doesn't seem to care about anything but drugs. He has been what he considers a functioning addict for several years now but now he can't even keep a job. Its so difficult to see the person you love, just destroy themselves and you can't stop it. He relapsed a few months ago and this time its hit our family so hard, financially and emotionally. 3 months ago he had a great job and we were pretty great, then he hung out with an old buddy and relapsed. I just feel like I have another big child and not a partner anymore. I have no other family here but my kids so it's pretty lonely.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi maiden and welcome. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think you stated it perfectly "ultimately it is a decision he has to make". I went to rehab recently for prescription drugs and alcohol, so I am chiming in from the other side.
It is really sad for me to see the destruction that addiction leaves in it's path. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love someone that is suffering, it can't get them clean and sober. I guess I could be considered high functioning, I have never had legal issues, am happily married with a beautiful child, things are secure, but no one that is in the throes of addiction is really functioning. We are all faking it so that we can continue our affair with drinking or drugging or both.
No amount of love or support could have gotten me clean. I had to decide for myself I wanted this. It is hard enough to stay sober even when you want it, so doing it for someone else, probably not happening.
However, I have heard here from other in your situation that there is no reason to let this disease take 2 of you down. It sounds like your BF is really out of control right now. The only sure thing you can do is help yourself, because leaning into his problem is just one more person on a sinking ship.
Taking care of yourself, being here, finding support in groups like Al-Anon, IMO serves 2 purposes. First it starts to help you heal yourself, by learning how to practice loving detachment. Your actions become for you, not against him. Secondly, he needs to deal with the consequences of bad behavior, the longer you prop him up and buffer him from the fallout, the more rope he has to continue bad behavior.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother, so I hope that my experience of being on both sides provides some input. Starting to do what you need to do for you is empowering. At this point you are wrestling with a very sick person, and when he decides to get help, he is going to have work to do. Please take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who give you support and the treatment you deserve. If you look up the 3 C's of Al-Anon as well as CoDependence it might help too. Take care.
It is really sad for me to see the destruction that addiction leaves in it's path. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love someone that is suffering, it can't get them clean and sober. I guess I could be considered high functioning, I have never had legal issues, am happily married with a beautiful child, things are secure, but no one that is in the throes of addiction is really functioning. We are all faking it so that we can continue our affair with drinking or drugging or both.
No amount of love or support could have gotten me clean. I had to decide for myself I wanted this. It is hard enough to stay sober even when you want it, so doing it for someone else, probably not happening.
However, I have heard here from other in your situation that there is no reason to let this disease take 2 of you down. It sounds like your BF is really out of control right now. The only sure thing you can do is help yourself, because leaning into his problem is just one more person on a sinking ship.
Taking care of yourself, being here, finding support in groups like Al-Anon, IMO serves 2 purposes. First it starts to help you heal yourself, by learning how to practice loving detachment. Your actions become for you, not against him. Secondly, he needs to deal with the consequences of bad behavior, the longer you prop him up and buffer him from the fallout, the more rope he has to continue bad behavior.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother, so I hope that my experience of being on both sides provides some input. Starting to do what you need to do for you is empowering. At this point you are wrestling with a very sick person, and when he decides to get help, he is going to have work to do. Please take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who give you support and the treatment you deserve. If you look up the 3 C's of Al-Anon as well as CoDependence it might help too. Take care.
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