Nuudawn

Suzette..I will echo those who have raised issue with your bf having any sort of control over your issue with alcohol. I can certainly see how you would cling and clutch on to that rather "pie in the sky" glimmer of hope. The desire to mess with anything that has brought us to our knees in indicative of addiction itself.

Please stay in touch here.

Toomutch

I'm glad I started this post and am being reminded of where I always end up. I have been a blackout drinker since I was 15 years old. I've never been in trouble with the law although I should have been. I have however had a lot of problems with myself. Falling down, walking into walls, waking up with bruises and wondering what the hell I did last night... are all examples of my drunken behavior.

Yesterday I did end up buying some vodka (2 little shot bottles). I had too run some errands and told myself I wasn't going to do it all along the way. Then as I was driving past a liquor store on the way home I lost all control and stopped for the vodka. Was happy to drink it but I fell asleep and woke up so remorseful. When my boyfriend came home we went out to dinner and I had 1 glass of wine and when we came home I wanted more out of the refrigerator, but didn't even ask because I knew he wouldn't approve.
I have to be honest, I'm scared to death because I know where I will end up. But I was looking back at my original posts when I quit drinking 5 years ago and don't seem to have the same level of desperation and drive to quit then I had then. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Above there was a response saying something like "does anyone else not like this guy", meaning my boyfriend. That really bothered me, he is just trying to help me... However I do have to admit that I can already feel some resentment coming on and know I will sneak it when I want too.

Today, even though I am not feeling well because of fibromyalgia and will be very lonely by myself dwelling on everything that is going on in my life, I will not buy vodka and will stay away from the wine. So for today I am safe.

warrens

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable."

Yesterday I did end up buying some vodka (2 little shot bottles). I had too run some errands and told myself I wasn't going to do it all along the way. Then as I was driving past a liquor store on the way home I lost all control and stopped for the vodka.

You said it, Suzette. I had to say it in order to recover.

Find the joy in the day,

Warren

Carlotta

Good decision Suzette
Why don't you join us at the 24 hours club? Just for today.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oin-us-19.html

Carlotta

That's because the same way your boyfriend and other non alcoholics cannot understand us, that person is not a codie and doesn't understand codependency.
I am both an alcoholic and a codependent and I can tell you Suzette that your boyfriend is not well and is going through a lot of pain. This is why he is trying to stay in denial (saying you just overdo it sometimes) and moderate you.
Whenever he comes home, he probably doesn't know whether he will find the woman he loves or the alcoholic monster so in his twisted thinking, he thinks that if he is the one dispensing the drinks he can control who he will be dealing with. He is probably going through a lot of resentments and anxieties himself.
I still remember the pit of fear in my stomach when I would get back home from work, projecting and wondering whether my nice BF would be home or if it would be the nasty, physically abusive drunk.
They say alcoholism is a family disease and it is true. Loving an alcoholic will drive someone nuts.
I hope you stick your resolve and that your bf will seek help too.

Have a great week end

EndGameNYC

In my experience, it's always more difficult to get and stay sober after surrendering long-term sobriety. "Well, I came back once, I can do it again." I've seen this happen dozens of times. This kind of thinking is very close to giving ourselves permission to drink since we "know" how to achieve sobriety, based on past experience.

This was exactly the case for me. When I relapsed after twenty five years, I assumed that if things got bad I could simply draw on my past experience to reign things in and get sober again. Nothing was further from the truth. After being "back" for two years following a three-year relapse, I had to work very hard to get and stay sober. More pain, more misery, more damage, more despair, and more hopelessness. And dealing with daily cravings for about a year.

In the end, my sobriety this time around is much more valuable to me than ever before, precisely because of all the hard work I've put in. This is available to everyone who wants it.

jaynie04

I have anxiety just hearing about the vodka in your purse, how screwed up in that. It's not even my booze or my purse and I am already thinking it's not going to be enough.

It just tells me how deep this runs for me....

Nuudawn

How ya doing today Suzette?

fini

the control over whether you drink or not belongs with you. if/since you don't seem to have it, "giving it" to someone else won't help you get it.


oops; good catch, Warren. it's not what i mean; i should have used the word "responsibility".