I guess I'm just not ready
Your boyfriend is not going to be able to control your drinking for you. Less than a day later, you're already thinking about "hiding" a bottle of vodka. Yep, sounds like an alcoholic to me.
Thank you for reminding me of how twisted and insane my alcoholism can be. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for reminding me of how twisted and insane my alcoholism can be. Wishing you the best.
Every Mother's Worst Nightmare
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Deep in the heart of LaLa land
Posts: 688
Toomuch
Im sorry you're suffering. The thing is with this whole dual diagnosis lark and something you will know well is you can't get away with treating one and not the other. Took me many painful years to realize and accept that.
You know any attempt at "moderation" is a waste of time for you and will end badly. Evn if your brain is foggy, you have enough time behind you to know that. You need to cling on to some certitudes here of which that is one and try and right the ship as best you can.
Be strong.
Im sorry you're suffering. The thing is with this whole dual diagnosis lark and something you will know well is you can't get away with treating one and not the other. Took me many painful years to realize and accept that.
You know any attempt at "moderation" is a waste of time for you and will end badly. Evn if your brain is foggy, you have enough time behind you to know that. You need to cling on to some certitudes here of which that is one and try and right the ship as best you can.
Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Dear Too, we are not dissapointed in you, but for you. Because you sound dissapointed. We all know how you feel. For me, total abstinence is the answer. It's very freeing. To not have the constant decisions and struggle. Best wishes to you. Stick around. SR is great.
After reading sukis post it reminds me of my own situation... At the beginning of this summer I was 90 days sober and starting to think boy I think moderation might be the key. I was at a BBQ everyone was drinking except myself and the hubs (13 years sober). I was trying to talk him into my thinking process trying to break him down saying, it is never going to get that way again promise!!! He said if you want to drink than drink have 1 or 2 drinks. I sat there and thought about it. Sure I could agree to that but I knew in the back if my mind I'd probably slip off to the kitchen to chug a sneaky few while no one was looking. His suggestion of moderating drinking made me feel like i would be a dog on a leash. Sure he's take me for a walk but id have to heal, sit, stay, and stay by his side not run free from my 6 foot leash. I know id blame and recent him for not "allowing" me to drink how i wanted too. I decided not to drink that day or any day since. I'm 5 months sober now. And know moderation isn't for me.
I really hope you find some peace with all this. I think abstinence seems much more peaceful then trying to drink moderately!
I really hope you find some peace with all this. I think abstinence seems much more peaceful then trying to drink moderately!
My guess is that you will buy that first bottle of vodka when you start to resent him saying "no". I can feel the rebel in me and that little voice (who made herself loud and clear every time I so righteously hid a bottle) declaring, "You can't tell me what to do."
Just keep in touch.
Just keep in touch.
Oh Too, I'm sorry, just reading your post made me feel anxious and depressed. Are you really thinking about getting back on that awful alcoholic merry-go-round? Pretending to drink X but actually drinking Y, trying to fool everyone, even yourself, into thinking that you can somehow manage this raging wild beast? In your heart, you know it isn't true. Pretty soon your entire life will revolve around maintaining this "secret". Stand up against your AV, which has obviously been hiding all this time you were sober, just waiting for the chance to enslave you again. Stand up and protect your own mind, body and soul from this thief and liar. You don't have to give in!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Never even occurred to me to moderate my drinking. That's not how I drink.
When my ex-GF and I moved in together at the beginning of my three-year relapse, she tried to moderate my drinking after a few months, after threatening, pleading and indifference didn't work. My only thought was, "Great! Now I've got permission to drink!" Meaning that I could drink all I wanted to when she wasn't around, or drink from my secret stash when we were home together. My smelling like alcohol was no longer an issue, since the few drinks she'd "allow" me were perfect camouflage for the quart of drinking I did in secret. She's one of those people who can have a couple of drinks at night after work, and then just walk away from it.
And I took it even further. Each night on my way home from work, which was usually fairly late at night, I stopped for pizza and a beer, which also covered the pint or so of vodka I drank on my way home. So, when she greeted me with a watered-down drink of vodka and something else like ginger ale, it seemed normal that I would smell like alcohol. When she went to bed, I'd finish off the rest of my vodka, which usually meant a liter or more before I passed out.
Having a strong tolerance for alcohol also helped to cover how much I was drinking. Of course, eventually, all the walls came falling down.
When my ex-GF and I moved in together at the beginning of my three-year relapse, she tried to moderate my drinking after a few months, after threatening, pleading and indifference didn't work. My only thought was, "Great! Now I've got permission to drink!" Meaning that I could drink all I wanted to when she wasn't around, or drink from my secret stash when we were home together. My smelling like alcohol was no longer an issue, since the few drinks she'd "allow" me were perfect camouflage for the quart of drinking I did in secret. She's one of those people who can have a couple of drinks at night after work, and then just walk away from it.
And I took it even further. Each night on my way home from work, which was usually fairly late at night, I stopped for pizza and a beer, which also covered the pint or so of vodka I drank on my way home. So, when she greeted me with a watered-down drink of vodka and something else like ginger ale, it seemed normal that I would smell like alcohol. When she went to bed, I'd finish off the rest of my vodka, which usually meant a liter or more before I passed out.
Having a strong tolerance for alcohol also helped to cover how much I was drinking. Of course, eventually, all the walls came falling down.
I think what we gain from each other is how similar we are. I don't think there is any other arena in my life ;family, college, work, etc, where I felt like others articulated my exact thought process.
I have rarely read a post that I didn't identify with, the feelings, the negotiating, the rumination, the struggle, the joy, the sadness...And we are all in different states of flux constantly, so that we truly get it. We really do understand what it is like to want to moderate, I don't think there is a person here who can't identify.
Someone said it so well the other day, i wish I could remember who, "moderation is like trying to eat cake with a straw".
We are here TM....understand the struggle.
I have rarely read a post that I didn't identify with, the feelings, the negotiating, the rumination, the struggle, the joy, the sadness...And we are all in different states of flux constantly, so that we truly get it. We really do understand what it is like to want to moderate, I don't think there is a person here who can't identify.
Someone said it so well the other day, i wish I could remember who, "moderation is like trying to eat cake with a straw".
We are here TM....understand the struggle.
Last night I wanted a couple of glasses of wine while we watched the Bronco game and he said no because I had wine the night before. He also told me that anyone who drinks ends up over doing it sometimes and that nothing I could do would make him leave me.
The statement "anyone who drinks ends up over doing it sometimes" tells me that he really doesn't know you yet.
You have to do what you have to do. I wish you the best and you know where we are.
The statement "anyone who drinks ends up over doing it sometimes" tells me that he really doesn't know you yet.
I should know, I have been there
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
"Someone said it so well the other day, i wish I could remember who, "moderation is like trying to eat cake with a straw"
Jaynie--that was me that said that--actually made that up in my own little mind
Jaynie--that was me that said that--actually made that up in my own little mind
Toomuch,
you can't explain why you want to try this again....you've said this two or three times.
could it be that's because there is no rational explanation, since in your own wordes yo KNOW you're an alcoholic?
do you?
i'm not being sarcastic. do you KNOW? cause if you do, i can't see how you'd think you could moderate now.
having someone else make the decision whether you "can/get to" drinmk today or tomorrow or how much......whatever your relationship has been so far i don't know, but this adds a huge element of unequal power. skews anything that might have been basically equal. turns him into parent or jailer or teacher or boss or....you name it.whjich leaves you in the role of....?
the control over whether you drink or not belongs with you. if/since you don't seem to have it, "giving it" to someone else won't help you get it.
i remember well the place of being unable to let go of drinking. anything to be able to have it continue. anything! just as long as it wasn't going to mean not getting drunk ever again.
horrid place.
you can't explain why you want to try this again....you've said this two or three times.
could it be that's because there is no rational explanation, since in your own wordes yo KNOW you're an alcoholic?
do you?
i'm not being sarcastic. do you KNOW? cause if you do, i can't see how you'd think you could moderate now.
having someone else make the decision whether you "can/get to" drinmk today or tomorrow or how much......whatever your relationship has been so far i don't know, but this adds a huge element of unequal power. skews anything that might have been basically equal. turns him into parent or jailer or teacher or boss or....you name it.whjich leaves you in the role of....?
the control over whether you drink or not belongs with you. if/since you don't seem to have it, "giving it" to someone else won't help you get it.
i remember well the place of being unable to let go of drinking. anything to be able to have it continue. anything! just as long as it wasn't going to mean not getting drunk ever again.
horrid place.
It's like returning to an abusive spouse or lover. "This time will be different." "This time he'll really love me." "This time he'll change for me." "This time, I'll leave before things get out of control." "This time, I'll take better care of myself." "This time, he'll only beat me up five days instead of seven." "This time, I won't keep it a secret. Being honest about it makes it better. Right?"
This type of clinging behavior is the result of an intermittent schedule of reinforcement, first observed in animal studies, and endemic to abusive relationships of all kinds. The pigeon continues to hit the lever that dispenses food pills, despite only delivering one out of say a hundred times. The one or two times that we actually get what we want overshadow all the pain, abuse and suffering we bring upon ourselves, and which has become the norm. So we stay attached, always hoping for that brief moment of relief or pleasure, only to further damage ourselves the rest of the time, right up until the moment when there is virtually nothing left of us to feel relief.
While you're distracting yourself with moderating, your life is passing you by. If this were anything less than a life-and-death struggle, I'd have no need to be so serious about it.
This type of clinging behavior is the result of an intermittent schedule of reinforcement, first observed in animal studies, and endemic to abusive relationships of all kinds. The pigeon continues to hit the lever that dispenses food pills, despite only delivering one out of say a hundred times. The one or two times that we actually get what we want overshadow all the pain, abuse and suffering we bring upon ourselves, and which has become the norm. So we stay attached, always hoping for that brief moment of relief or pleasure, only to further damage ourselves the rest of the time, right up until the moment when there is virtually nothing left of us to feel relief.
While you're distracting yourself with moderating, your life is passing you by. If this were anything less than a life-and-death struggle, I'd have no need to be so serious about it.
If I am honest I see no point in one and a half glasses of wine. For me that would just feed the dissatisfaction and craving which I know can monster me.
I recall you recommenced drinking in response to relationship problems- clearly a difficult time in your life
I wish you the best and hope it turns out- remember we are here.
I recall you recommenced drinking in response to relationship problems- clearly a difficult time in your life
I wish you the best and hope it turns out- remember we are here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Wow. So much good insight in this thread! I've had a rough go these past few weeks with life kicking me hard and I made it sober. I also just passed a year of living sober.
I wish I could moderate. And I know I could for a while, but I NEVER want feel the crushing shame and remorse that comes with drinking cheap booze in the closet. Been there and even while I was doing it I was thinking "why am I doing this" while swallowing gulps of whatever it was. I knew it was sick then and I know even more now that it is REALLY SICK.
So, I've accepted that I'm really sick. I cannot drink because I cannot control it. It controls me eventually. All the way to the closet at 8am with warm booze and tears streaming down my face.
Sounds like you have been there too. I'm pretty sure you don't want to go back. It's not a good place. Awesome people like us do not belong in closets with vodka.
I wish you the best and hope you find your way to where you need to be in order to live a happy life. Rooting for you...
I wish I could moderate. And I know I could for a while, but I NEVER want feel the crushing shame and remorse that comes with drinking cheap booze in the closet. Been there and even while I was doing it I was thinking "why am I doing this" while swallowing gulps of whatever it was. I knew it was sick then and I know even more now that it is REALLY SICK.
So, I've accepted that I'm really sick. I cannot drink because I cannot control it. It controls me eventually. All the way to the closet at 8am with warm booze and tears streaming down my face.
Sounds like you have been there too. I'm pretty sure you don't want to go back. It's not a good place. Awesome people like us do not belong in closets with vodka.
I wish you the best and hope you find your way to where you need to be in order to live a happy life. Rooting for you...
Suzette, you are trying to push a rope. The game you are playing makes the Broncos look like recess play. I disagree with the well meaning quote Least posted above. The control does not belong with us. We are powerless. If we were not powerless, we would not continue to jump from the second floor with an umbrella as a parachute. That is what you are doing. Would you not think that behavior in another insane? And so, we who have done that once, or many times, are cringing as we watch you balancing on the railing...
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