neferkamichael

Toomutch, rootin for ya.

warrens

Well put, EndGame. I lost several years of my life due to "controlled drinking." It was hard work. It occupied my being. Stalled my emotional and spiritual growth. Certainly there is a psych component, but it went beyond that for me. I was spiritually sick. Having nothing to do with religion, I needed to heal spiritually. All of the other therapies, self analysis, etc paled in comparison to getting on me knees and asking for help.

We seek through alcohol that which is within us always. That joy, that peace, that serenity. We see alcohol as the express lane. It ain't. Many of us end up under the express lane bridge.

I am what is known as a grateful alcoholic. For without that struggle I would not have learned that struggle is futile, that only surrender commences the healing.

Thank you!

Warren

wakko

I was not ready to quit even though each bottom got lower and the pain just increased. I was finally faced with a stark reality either I was going to quit or I was going to die. Suicide was looking like a viable option because I could not imagine my life either with or without alcohol. I was at the turning point.

Thank God my will to live was stronger than my desire to drink. I chose sobriety and over a couple of years slowly but surely climbed out of the dark deep hole hat I'd dug for myself.

Today my sober life is better than anything I could have imagined and one thing I know for sure is that I never ever want to go back to where I was.

Dee74

didn't you have a few goes at this before you 'got it' last time, TM?
I know I did.

This is not a pass or fail deal. Maybe you just have to add a little extra to your recovery plan?

you have a mountain of support here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ust-idiot.html

D

Anna

I hope that you get back on track and decide to live a sober life.

You can do this.

least

Believe that you can do it, not the other way around. Use positive thinking. I pray you can find sobriety soon.

Mountainmanbob

Hevyn

Hi TooMutch. I know you and I both tried moderating in the past with disastrous results. I never had it last more than a time or two - then it was right back into hell. I'm glad you wanted to talk about it - that's why we're all here.

LadyBlue0527

Hi Toomutch,

I can't get this post out of my mind from the first moment that I read it. It reminds me so much of me throughout the years when I started back up after my longer term attempts. I'm sure that we were all reminded of ourselves. I thought of doing what's already been done and helping by reminding you of the first post when you got here. I thought of pointing out to you that you know this game already and how it works. What becomes self proclaimed and focused one moment doesn't seem as important when the urges hit. It's the nature of this addiction. We will find any and every excuse there is to drink and belittle what was once such an issue just to pour that alcohol down out throats.

Then it hit me. You're being honest. You don't feel like you're ready and if you're not, nothing is going to get in between you and the drink. You have to want it in order for it to work. Anything less than that isn't going to cut it.

When the inevitable happens, and it will, we will all be here for you. That's what's so great about this place, no judgement, just people supporting people who understand.

In totality after trying to come up with something to bring you to the realization that you're correct, moderation probably isn't going to work I realized something.

It's your road and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

I'll be thinking of you and hope you come back soon!

RevivingOphelia

I keep coming back to read this thread. I just think it is impossible to do but, more importantly, what is the POINT?

We are not drinking for the taste...let's be honest, here. We are drinking for the buzz. Why torture ourselves with desperately trying NOT to have that third, fourth, fifth, etc. drink? It just seems so much easier to abstain completely.

I also think that once that "switch" has been flipped or line has crossed, we can't go back to any so-called moderation. We have proved over the years it is impossible and/or is such an effort that it actually PROVES we have a problem with drink.


Best to you.

Slammy1

To overcome an addiction you must first bottom out. It has to be so bad that you won't go back or else your addict voice will convince you it's OK. I get this with friends occasionally, they go some place I will not follow and I want to help them. I find it best to let them fail some (I'll focus on their family to help a close friend, but I've lost many a friend to addiction.

I could get meth free, at least at first, but instead I walked away from that group. One friend gave it up, we're friends again, but I had another die, and another became a junkie. I always give that advice to friends, just don't do it the first time. Growing up in a health care family I could never stick a needle in my arm. Lost so many friends to that.

flutter

Thinking of you!

happyhour

hi toomutch, i am appreciative of you for your honesty, as my kids say, you get "props" for that. i think this same trait may be helpful if your moderation ever becomes more than that, and you have to just say to yourself, "that's enough".

Toomutch

Thank you all for your responses... I have in the past had a 7 year period of time, then drank for 3 years before getting sober again for a 5 year period of time. I had so much support here 5 years ago and SR was a huge part of me staying sober.

I know I am an alcoholic, However my boyfriend that I was so mean to the last time I decided to drink that BIG bottle of wine last Saturday said to me that I am going to extremes and that he can help me moderate my drinking and we decided that he could bring home a bottle of wine day before yesterday. That night I drank 1 1/2 glasses of wine and was fine with that. Last night I wanted a couple of glasses of wine while we watched the Bronco game and he said no because I had wine the night before. He also told me that anyone who drinks ends up over doing it sometimes and that nothing I could do would make him leave me.

To be honest I was thinking about after going to the gym this afternoon stopping at the liquor store and buying some vodka to hide, but I'm not going to do it. I remember the nightmare drinking dreams I had the last time I quit haunted me for a long time. I really can't explain to any of you why I'm choosing to try moderation again almost positive I will fail. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hope this post makes since, I was rambling on.

MTD

If you keep doing the same thing you always did you will get the same thing you always did. Doing the same thing and expecting something different is insane. I know this to be true because once I did something different I got something different...sobriety

lifetplant

When it comes to the idea of moderating, i'm with you and that idea, believe me, I want it so so much. Hard fact though, i've introduced myself too many times on here as the day 1 rookie, I so wish there was another way.

ImperfectlyMe

I don't know if I'm misunderstanding but your boyfriend seems to be grooming you, handling you. Teaching you to drink on his terms. He can't teach you to drink moderately and he certainly can't keep you from hiding that vodka to keep the facad of normal drinking. Stay close to SR we are all rooting for you. you know you aren't ready, and that's ok. You're being honest with us and yourself. I bet you know you'll be back to total sobriety sooner or later, a last hurrah, but don't wait to long

jkb

I absolutely will not lecture you on this. You have a ton of sobriety in your past and I only have 6 months...EVER. To be honest I can see where you are coming from with the boyfriend helping and all that. Maybe if he helps it will be different?

All I can say is that I don't think he is quite getting what an alcoholic is. You will eventually sneak and get the vodka because YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. If you really feel the need to try moderating again then nothing and nobody can stop you.

Like I said prior until I wanted to quit NOTHING was going to make me.

Good Luck... and despite being a 49er fan living in Co.... must say Your Broncos Looked Amazing.

jaynie04

Toomuch...I appreciate your honesty. But what I am hearing is a mind already consumed with thoughts of alcohol.

I don't think moderate drinkers think about alcohol like that. The difference between us seems to be our thought processes.

suki44883

Welcome back, S. I think you're right...you aren't ready. You still hold out a slim bit of hope that with your boyfriend's help, you can learn to drink like a non-alcoholic. I know that I tried for years to convince myself that if I tried hard enough, I could moderate my drinking. It never worked for long. Thing is, you might be able to do it for a little while, but there will come a time when you will resent him telling you that you cannot have a drink for whatever reason. After that, you'll more than likely start hiding your drinking from him. That is a perfectly natural thing for an alcohic to do, and it is obvious, he does not understand alcoholism.

I hope you'll keep posting here though. You know we care about you and are ready and willing to support you in sobriety.