Floweringthyme

Thanks everyone, I went along to al anon tonight, quite daunting but glad I went as was nice to see other people manahing to deal with similar situations.

I've purposefully taken a step back today after reading your advice and he has managed to stay sober so a better day than yesterday indeed. Small steps.

jaynie04

FT, I guess I straddle both sides of the fence. My mother got sober when I was 13, 36 years ago, so I spent a lot of time in AA meetings growing up. I also attended Al-Anon for a while.

I am also an alcoholic, and have just begun my journey. I am blessed, I have a supportive husband and I have not had any legal issues, etc. However, I don't want my husband to take a soft stance with me. I know I am fighting for my life, I know a lot about this disease and it doesn't get better until the alcoholic gets sober.

I think we alcoholics set up our lives in a crafty way and a lot of our choices, some perhaps unwittingly, support our lifestyle. The longer we drink, the sicker we get. And I really do believe that tough love is the only way that most of us get it.

By creating an environment that cushions an alky from their falls it does help perpetuate the dreaded issue. And it doesn't get easier to get sober.

There is a great book called CoDependent No More, my mouth was hanging open when I read it....I never knew there was a name for my behavior.

My mother's mother died an alcoholic, my mother has been sober 36 years, I am 48 and am a few weeks away from 90 days, which is an important benchmark in sobriety. As you can see it is a family disease, often multigenerational. There is a lot of information on SR that has helped me tremendously. There is also a lot of support.

Knowing you are not alone, and that you are not the only one grappling with what happens at home, makes it less overwhelming. They say knowledge is power, and I doubt any of us set out in life wanting to get our PhD's in alcoholism. But understanding what you are facing is empowering. Welcome!

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome! As many others have said, you can support him but he has to do it for himself. When I was married my drinking drove my then-wife crazy; I loved her but it didn't make me quit. Back then the idea of not drinking was like not breathing.

Al-Anon sounds like the way to go. You'll probably find that those of us that were drinkers have the least patience with other drinkers. This isn't because we're not compassionate, it's because we know it's a waste of time. You can state your position and draw a line in the sand, but that's all you can do. You can hold out your hand to them, you can throw them a life preserver, but they have to take it themselves.

Take care of you first.

Floweringthyme

Thankyou both, what your saying makes a heck of a lot of sense and is probably what I've known deep down inside but not been dealing with it myself and letting him start to feel the true impact of what his drinking is doing to everything he has worked hard for.
He runs a successful buisness with his brother which he is loosing hold of more and more everyday because of this. His brother wants him out of the partnership and to leave with nothing. Very hard to swallow when our whole lives, our home are all tied up in the buisness, we will have absolutely nothing left because of what he's done.
I'm tired of listening to him promising its over when he can't promise to himself.

longbeachone

Will he go to rehab? Or move into a sober living for a couple of months (I did, and it saved my marriage and family). If you are looking into a program you can both attend (this is a Christian program) I would HIGHLY recommend Celebrate Recovery. This program was started by Rick Warren (author of "The Purpose Driven Life") and it is just a wonderful uplifting place for people to confront their addiction and begin the recovery process. I know many couples who attend together.

Floweringthyme

Longbeachone, thanks for your reply, what is sober living? Never heard of that? His GP has spoken about putting him on a lengthy waiting list for inpatient detox but I don't think this is going to come around quickly enough. He has spoken about going to somewhere to stay and try and get better through rehab but I'm not sure we can afford to pay for it

MythOfSisyphus

I would also encourage you to see what resources your community has for addiction. Is there any family member that still has any sway with your husband? You can't "force" him to go but can anyone else help and intervene?

Floweringthyme

He has isolated himself for most family members through repeatedly telling lies when they've tried to help him. My own mum sometimes is able to speak with him but he has so much that he won't tell anyone about that it feels quite pointless having all these discussions with him to find out a day later the real story form neighbours etc who have seen him creeping about/ asking for drink etc

Floweringthyme

I spoke to an inpatient detox and rehab facility this Mormon and was quoted around £12000 for a 28 day programme. We just don't have that sort of cash!

EndGameNYC

Google 'CRAFT'. It's a very powerful set of tools to help family members, usually the spouse, to protect themselves from the chaos and insanity of living with an active alcoholic. It also has tools to help persuade the alcoholic to enter treatment, and is more effective than traditional interventions

After reading about it, try to find someone in your area who is trained in this method, and make an appointment as soon as you can. There is no reason to go through this on your own.

longbeachone

Sober Living is something that we have a lot of here in the States. It is typically a house that either men or women in recovery occupy. There are one or two facilitators that live there also. The sober living I was at was pretty nice. I shared a room with another alcoholic, and there were eight women in all. We had to undergo random drug and alcohol screenings, and a positive test meant immediate dismissal. Days were filled with meetings, volunteering, etc...unless you were continuing to work, and in that case you were gone during the day and went with the group to meetings at night. The cost was $500 per month. It was the Best money I ever spent.

jaynie04

Another thought is an IOP, intensive outpatient program, it is similar to rehab but you don't live there.

One other thought, most GP's as well intentioned as they are, are not experts on addiction. My journey started by calling an addiction specialist, if there is not one closer to you perhaps you could do a phone consult. I was a mess, and all these people do all day every day is deal with situations exactly like yours and mine. The woman I went to see knew just who to call for what. It was such a tremendous help to me, I was a deer in the headlights. Perhaps that is why I feel so strongly about passing it on, because I remember how overwhelmed and scared I felt. I had decided to stop drinking.....but now what?

Also, AA (for him) and Al-Anon (for you) are everywhere and free. There is no commitment, you can just go and listen, but it helps not to be alone.

Floweringthyme

Wow thankyou all, these are really much appreciated, I'm off to google these and see what else I can find out, will report back.

My husband has managed to stay sober for 2 days, I've gone out and done my own thing and met up with friends rather than cancelling everything like I had been doing before. It's helped me immensely and reminded me there is a world still going on outside this suffocating bubble!

Thanks