Sad and Fearful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Lawrenceville, NJ
Posts: 103
Sad and Fearful
Ugh, hi everyone,
I don't really know where to begin. This is my second day sober after a disastrous Labor Day weekend as well as previous several years. I'm 34 years old and was divorced last January after being married for only 4 years. Irreconcilable differences caused the majority of our problems, the main issues being that I wanted a child-he decided he didn't and fights about money. It was a really contentious divorce and I lived with him during our separation bc I couldn't afford to move into my own place until we reached a settlement. Abusing Alcohol had been an issue for me during our dating/engaged life, where we had some knock down dragem-out fights, I spent a brief stint in a rehab center for about 4 days after drinking tons of wine to numb the pain of catching him emailing a co-worker inappropriately. I resolved to be abstinent and go through with our marriage. We got married, I felt happy, balanced and stayed sober for maybe a year.
Gradually however, we started to have drinks moderately. I was always supervised with him, so I really never got out of control. It wasn't until I became separated, realizing my new found freedom, that I slid down a major steep slope. I was mourning the death of my relationship and constantly looking for companionship to fill my empty nights alone.
I started going to the bars every night to hangout with my drinking buddies, slept around, missed tons of work days (in a school), using the divorce proceedings as an excuse, crashed my car, almost got a DUI(rightfully should've), did cocaine and just generally did things I was NEVER raised to do.
But suddenly, in Easter Sunday, my life turned around...or at least I thought I did. After a nice weekend in VA, my drinking buddy took me to a local dive bar where I met my latest love. We met that night, drank a lot together, met again several days later and have been inseparable ever since. I realized quickly that I had met the male version of me...fun, loving, musical, athletic, and he's sooo handsome. Part of the prob?? He's just like me. So, after months of being irresponsible, eating out, binge drinking, great sex and lots of laughs, things got real and the party ended. He's now going through a divorce, having major financial issues and is full of fear and stress over his future. I'm having the same issues.
Also, before i tell you about the debacle this past weekend, I once found some inappropriate messages from him to a client which I forgave him for after he assured me relentlessly I had nothing to ever fear again. It was awful though and for seemingly being so genuinely in love with me, but I didn't want to throw away this wonderful connection ..Fast forward, this past weekend after tons of beers between us, a rough week for both of us bc the wife was up clearing things out of their foreclosing house, I drunkenly scrolled through his emails to find some sexual banter between him and an ex. I barely remember what happened after that, but I flew into a rage, attacked him physically, even swinging a stool at him. Ironically and thankfully, the only one who got hurt was me. I woke up still intoxicated, my hand puffy (broke my left metacarpal) and bruises from him grabbing me to defend himself and restrain me.
I went into an immediate black hole and so did he. He was already deeply depressed and this just traumatized us both. He let me email this person, who assured me their communication was just banter and she never intended to interfere, she knew how in love he seemed to be with me. I let it go....but my bf decided that we should take a break, with me going to my parents house which is all the way up near Buffalo, as my hand is healing and to seek counseling (for himself as well). In the meantime, he wants to work on his issues and he claims this is all just so we can be healthy/stronger together bc as things stand we are doomed. I agree with him, which is why I went to my therapist today and why I'm here. I need to save myself and I'm hopeful to save my relationship (I know it doesn't sound great from what I've said), but our connection is stronger than any I've ever had and I don't want to lose him. I'm trying to back away, but every day away from him feels horrible. I've lost most friends bc they're big drinkers and I'm trying to avoid it, I have no job, I'm injured, obviously feeling insecure about myself, paranoid and don't wanna run to my parents with my tail between my legs just bc he's telling me to. But, I'm going to try to stay sober no matter how sad and distressed I am.
Sorry this is soooooo long and I didn't edit, I just let it flow... I need help....but I'm kind of afraid of what people might say or how they might judge me.
I don't really know where to begin. This is my second day sober after a disastrous Labor Day weekend as well as previous several years. I'm 34 years old and was divorced last January after being married for only 4 years. Irreconcilable differences caused the majority of our problems, the main issues being that I wanted a child-he decided he didn't and fights about money. It was a really contentious divorce and I lived with him during our separation bc I couldn't afford to move into my own place until we reached a settlement. Abusing Alcohol had been an issue for me during our dating/engaged life, where we had some knock down dragem-out fights, I spent a brief stint in a rehab center for about 4 days after drinking tons of wine to numb the pain of catching him emailing a co-worker inappropriately. I resolved to be abstinent and go through with our marriage. We got married, I felt happy, balanced and stayed sober for maybe a year.
Gradually however, we started to have drinks moderately. I was always supervised with him, so I really never got out of control. It wasn't until I became separated, realizing my new found freedom, that I slid down a major steep slope. I was mourning the death of my relationship and constantly looking for companionship to fill my empty nights alone.
I started going to the bars every night to hangout with my drinking buddies, slept around, missed tons of work days (in a school), using the divorce proceedings as an excuse, crashed my car, almost got a DUI(rightfully should've), did cocaine and just generally did things I was NEVER raised to do.
But suddenly, in Easter Sunday, my life turned around...or at least I thought I did. After a nice weekend in VA, my drinking buddy took me to a local dive bar where I met my latest love. We met that night, drank a lot together, met again several days later and have been inseparable ever since. I realized quickly that I had met the male version of me...fun, loving, musical, athletic, and he's sooo handsome. Part of the prob?? He's just like me. So, after months of being irresponsible, eating out, binge drinking, great sex and lots of laughs, things got real and the party ended. He's now going through a divorce, having major financial issues and is full of fear and stress over his future. I'm having the same issues.
Also, before i tell you about the debacle this past weekend, I once found some inappropriate messages from him to a client which I forgave him for after he assured me relentlessly I had nothing to ever fear again. It was awful though and for seemingly being so genuinely in love with me, but I didn't want to throw away this wonderful connection ..Fast forward, this past weekend after tons of beers between us, a rough week for both of us bc the wife was up clearing things out of their foreclosing house, I drunkenly scrolled through his emails to find some sexual banter between him and an ex. I barely remember what happened after that, but I flew into a rage, attacked him physically, even swinging a stool at him. Ironically and thankfully, the only one who got hurt was me. I woke up still intoxicated, my hand puffy (broke my left metacarpal) and bruises from him grabbing me to defend himself and restrain me.
I went into an immediate black hole and so did he. He was already deeply depressed and this just traumatized us both. He let me email this person, who assured me their communication was just banter and she never intended to interfere, she knew how in love he seemed to be with me. I let it go....but my bf decided that we should take a break, with me going to my parents house which is all the way up near Buffalo, as my hand is healing and to seek counseling (for himself as well). In the meantime, he wants to work on his issues and he claims this is all just so we can be healthy/stronger together bc as things stand we are doomed. I agree with him, which is why I went to my therapist today and why I'm here. I need to save myself and I'm hopeful to save my relationship (I know it doesn't sound great from what I've said), but our connection is stronger than any I've ever had and I don't want to lose him. I'm trying to back away, but every day away from him feels horrible. I've lost most friends bc they're big drinkers and I'm trying to avoid it, I have no job, I'm injured, obviously feeling insecure about myself, paranoid and don't wanna run to my parents with my tail between my legs just bc he's telling me to. But, I'm going to try to stay sober no matter how sad and distressed I am.
Sorry this is soooooo long and I didn't edit, I just let it flow... I need help....but I'm kind of afraid of what people might say or how they might judge me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 31
Hi. I'm 35 and recently was forced into a break from my BFF, drinking buddy boyfriend. We reconciled this past weekend, but now I'm not drinking and he still is. I love him more than anything and am struggling with all of this. Your story sounded kinda similar to me so wanted to at least say I understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Lawrenceville, NJ
Posts: 103
Wow, thanks for your response TexasAngel...I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound very similar. Was drinking the reason for your "break"? I know how you feel I think...I'm sick over it. He has been my best friend and although we've obviously been enabling each other, I've never felt more connected to someone on so many other levels than just drinking. Do you think he will change his mind about sobriety in time? Good for you for taking steps not to drink...ugh, so hard.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
Take care of yourself first and don't worry and stress over the relationship You will be surprised at the clarity with which you see things once you sober up for awhile--I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend of four years and have decided to let him go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 31
It wasn't expressly said, but yes, I think drinking played a role in our break. It's hard to admit, but I think he had gotten tired of me getting blotto and ranting about marriage/future. He also said we both have a drinking problem. So I hoped reconciliation would involve a change for both of us, but I guess I may be learning otherwise... Like you, he is my best friend.
Eleni makes a good point though...things will become clear at some point. Sorry you're going through this too!
Eleni makes a good point though...things will become clear at some point. Sorry you're going through this too!
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Timing is key in relationships. Maybe once you both get to a point when alcohol isn't such a driving force in your life, you can think about being together again. Be selfish now. Put all the energy you had for the relationship back on YOU. This is your time. Take back control and concentrate on getting better.
The better YOU are, the better partner you can be in a relationship.
The better YOU are, the better partner you can be in a relationship.
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