Despairing to stay stopped
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1
Despairing to stay stopped
Hi all
This is my first post ever about my alcoholism. I am a bit wary about forums but I figure I need all the support I can get !
Background: I've been drinking for many years but in the last 5 years I became a heavy binge drinker that would only be the odd night. Then in the last 2 years my drinking descended into hell with 3-4 day binges and then finally in the last 6 months I became a daily drinker (though mainly after hours and about 4 drinks on average). I finally hit a new bottom when I was DUI and was kicked out of my home. That was about 3+ months ago. In prior years I went to AA overseas but never had a sponsor and never took it seriously.
Coming to the present, I've been going to AA for the past 2.5 months. In the first month, I felt like I was improving. I would feel calmer though still drink but at a reduced level. Then I intensified my attendance to about 5-6 meetings a week for the past month. My drinking actually worsened in that I could only stop for 2-3 days at a time then I would have drink with about half those drinking sessions where I would black out.
I have a sponsor who is very intense but also very supportive. Lately, I have noticed that I keep busting but my level of drinking has started to reduce a lot. Now I can only tolerate less than half what I used to be able to drink before I either willingly stop or fall asleep (I drink in isolation).
My problem is that I desparately want to stop. I wake up in the middle of the night full of sadness and despair thinking when will I ever stay stopped ?? At times I think of quitting AA and my sponsor but then I realise that if I do that, then I have nothing !!!
If anyone has useful advice on staying stopped, pls post ! I know in my head and my heart that I have so much to live for being sober with my family but somehow it doesnt stop me from picking up the first drink especially when I am lonely.
THanks
K
This is my first post ever about my alcoholism. I am a bit wary about forums but I figure I need all the support I can get !
Background: I've been drinking for many years but in the last 5 years I became a heavy binge drinker that would only be the odd night. Then in the last 2 years my drinking descended into hell with 3-4 day binges and then finally in the last 6 months I became a daily drinker (though mainly after hours and about 4 drinks on average). I finally hit a new bottom when I was DUI and was kicked out of my home. That was about 3+ months ago. In prior years I went to AA overseas but never had a sponsor and never took it seriously.
Coming to the present, I've been going to AA for the past 2.5 months. In the first month, I felt like I was improving. I would feel calmer though still drink but at a reduced level. Then I intensified my attendance to about 5-6 meetings a week for the past month. My drinking actually worsened in that I could only stop for 2-3 days at a time then I would have drink with about half those drinking sessions where I would black out.
I have a sponsor who is very intense but also very supportive. Lately, I have noticed that I keep busting but my level of drinking has started to reduce a lot. Now I can only tolerate less than half what I used to be able to drink before I either willingly stop or fall asleep (I drink in isolation).
My problem is that I desparately want to stop. I wake up in the middle of the night full of sadness and despair thinking when will I ever stay stopped ?? At times I think of quitting AA and my sponsor but then I realise that if I do that, then I have nothing !!!
If anyone has useful advice on staying stopped, pls post ! I know in my head and my heart that I have so much to live for being sober with my family but somehow it doesnt stop me from picking up the first drink especially when I am lonely.
THanks
K
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
The one line I read in SR that has helped me tremendously is "fast forward this movie". When you are ready to take that first drink, imagine every step all the way through to the nausea and regrets the next morning.
Also, I had to get complete with the idea that there is no such thing as "just one". You need to STOP cutting down on your drinking. . . say what? Yup. Stop CUTTING DOWN. There is no cutting down. There is only sober or drunk. We're just not "one glass" type of people.
You'll make it. Hang out here some more
Also, I had to get complete with the idea that there is no such thing as "just one". You need to STOP cutting down on your drinking. . . say what? Yup. Stop CUTTING DOWN. There is no cutting down. There is only sober or drunk. We're just not "one glass" type of people.
You'll make it. Hang out here some more
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Welcome to the family Kaneda. We all understand how you're feeling - which is why this is such a helpful place. You're never alone & can post any time of the day/night.
I had a hard time letting go of it too. I drank all my life - for various reasons. It was fun once, but in the end I had become completely dependent on it. I never enjoyed it at that point - just drank out of habit - and it led me to some dangerous situations. I finally had to admit I had no control over the amounts I drank. It was quit or lose everything. I came here for support and encouragement - and I found it. I was able to gather the strength to quit. I hope you'll feel the same.
I had a hard time letting go of it too. I drank all my life - for various reasons. It was fun once, but in the end I had become completely dependent on it. I never enjoyed it at that point - just drank out of habit - and it led me to some dangerous situations. I finally had to admit I had no control over the amounts I drank. It was quit or lose everything. I came here for support and encouragement - and I found it. I was able to gather the strength to quit. I hope you'll feel the same.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA Virginia
Posts: 294
I'm like Alef.."fast forward the movie" and "think it through"...have helped me a lot. Take the time to do that and after awhile you will do it automatically. Another one is..."let sobriety be your new high". Keep posting and welcome!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Welcome to SR,
I could really feel the pain you are going through. I agree with Alef, there is no cutting down with alcoholism.
I am sober 2.5 years with the support of SR and AA. If I may suggest throw yourself into the program go to as many meetings as you can read the book hang out at SR, totally swamp yourself with anti alcohol influences as if your life depended on it because it does.
You can get sober, there is life after alcohol, a whole lot better one.
I just want to say, I wish you all the best and there is a solution.
Love
CaiHong
I could really feel the pain you are going through. I agree with Alef, there is no cutting down with alcoholism.
I am sober 2.5 years with the support of SR and AA. If I may suggest throw yourself into the program go to as many meetings as you can read the book hang out at SR, totally swamp yourself with anti alcohol influences as if your life depended on it because it does.
You can get sober, there is life after alcohol, a whole lot better one.
I just want to say, I wish you all the best and there is a solution.
Love
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,009
Yes
Originally Posted by FeenixxRising 
Have you and your sponsor started the Steps?
Btw, I messed up my user details so I am now Kaneda8888 !
Cheers
K
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I found the support here really helped me
Anytime I wanted to drink, I forced myself to come here instead.
I got through many nights and bad cravings with the help of the community here.
That helped me realise I had options I'd never realised before - I could crave a drink but I did not have to give in - and the crave went away.
Everytime I did that I got stronger.
This technique helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
There's other tips for cravings here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
D
Anytime I wanted to drink, I forced myself to come here instead.
I got through many nights and bad cravings with the help of the community here.
That helped me realise I had options I'd never realised before - I could crave a drink but I did not have to give in - and the crave went away.
Everytime I did that I got stronger.
This technique helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
There's other tips for cravings here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by Kaneda8888
Yes, I've done step 1. My sponsor wants to take it slowly as he wants me to build up my days of sobriety before doing more step work.
As the BB says, "If, when you want to, you find that you cannot quit entirely . . . you are probably an alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer".
In other words, if you can't stop drinking you may need a spiritual experience in order to get sober. But in order to have a spiritual experience you need to work the Steps. If that is the case, waiting to work the Steps until you get some sober time under your belt doesn't make a lot of sense.
If you're having trouble staying sober, I don't think just attending meetings is particularly helpful--at least in your case.
Hopefully, more experienced AA members will add their comments, as I'm new to AA.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by AlefVavResh
There is no cutting down. There is only sober or drunk.
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