Hello :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 14
Hello :)
Well here goes nothing....this is the closest I can get to support at the moment between life and work.
A little about me in a nutshell....
I'm 22 years old and the middle child. I have two younger brothers and one older sister. None of us share the same dads(except for one of my younger brothers but we have different moms). The only history of abuse I have in my past is a sexual assault I experienced after being encouraged to drink quite a bit and then take an Ambien sleeping pill. My biological father died last year from a heart attack and my mother is one of my best friends.
Last February (2012), I was at a house party with some friends and saw someone that caught my eye. I'm pretty shy so that fact that I pursued this guy, says something about him. We started "officially" dating on St Patricks Day in 2012. Two months later he ended up moving in with me in a sense just because it was more pratical. (closer to work etc) When I "fell for him" he had no money, job, or a car, and lived at home with his mother. Naturally I'm a caring person at heart, people joke that I'm a mother hen and I totally agree with this.
The first couple of times we spent the night together after an evening of drinking I would wake up in a wet bed. For months I believed him when he told me that he brought a beer to bed and fell asleep so it spilled. After a bit I realized he was WETTING the bed. He has narcelepsy(sp?) so if he goes to bed with a bladder full of beer...his body wont tell him to wake up and go to the bathroom. I've had my passenger seat, two couches, two chairs, and one bed ruined because of this. Another problem he has with drinking is financially. He doesnt know when to stop buying it let alone stop drinking it! And finally, his last problem, which I feel like I saved it for last because I'm partially in denial....Temper. He would start fights over the stupidest things and just SCREAM in my face using every other word with a swear word. He accused me of having sexual relations with all of my guy friends even though he was informed in the beginning of our relationship that I have more guy friends than girl friends.
Fast forward a bit. Last December I finally had enough. He had gotten a job but I was still paying for a majority of his crap. I had enough. I broke it off with him and he got very drunk and screamed at me for about 15 minutes before I had my other roommate drive him to a friends. The next day I loaded up his car with all of his stuff and left it at the truck stop. I changed my number, blocked him on facebook, everything. Jan 9th he got a DUI. About 20 days later he walked into my house(let himself in) after the bars closed wanting to talk to me. This freaked me out and I filed for an order of protection. He constantly kept contacting me and in April I told him we could try again if he got sober...because I did love him. He did and from May 4th until July 4th he was completely SOBER. Life was great. He went camping with friends that I met up with the next day. It was about 7pm when I showed up to the campground and he was in the tent sprawled out in a puddle of his own urine. Even though I told him I would leave him if he drank again I didnt that time.
Fast forward to August. Came home from a friends late and the only way I knew he was drunk was because I woke up, IN OUR NEW BED, and his urine had soaked through the $60 mattress protector. This was a Wednesday. The very next SATURDAY, he went to a friends post wedding celebration BBQ deal. I stayed home because he said it was going to be mostly men. He came home drunk that night. He tried SO hard to prove he was sober, but I knew. He slept on the couch that I had just spent 1 hour vacuuming and cleaning that day. Surprise, surprise....the next day it was soaked with urine.
The main thing that has prompted me joining here though was what just happened 3 days ago. We went to a Labor Day bonfire down the street. I was mingling with friends I hadnt seen for months (I gave up drinking when he did although I never had a problem but then I never saw friends because I never went to parties). At one point he got extremely jealous and said he was leaving. I found him in the garage pouting to our other roommates. When I walked in they left the two of us alone and thats when the devil came out. He was completely intoxicated and started screaming at me how I was ignoring him and flirting with every other guy here. As I tried to reassure him I was just catching up with friends he kept screaming. Judging by his body language I could tell there were so many times he wanted to hit me but he didnt. He accused me of cheating on him and said that the past couple weeks I've "changed". Keep in mind, the last couple of weeks was when he fell off the train all those times. When I tried to walk away from him and go back to the bonfire he threw his beer bottle and it shattered on the ground. He picked me up off the ground by wrapping his arms around me and literally lifting and dragging me. I of course screamed and my friends that I appreciate so much came running. Long story short I just have a bruise on my elbow from what I think is his thumb. He didnt end up leaving the party so I left and stayed at my mom's Sunday night and Monday night. While I was gone he kept texting me telling me how pathetic I was for not talking to him face to face and how everyone was right about me because I'm so selfish all I care about is myself. He knows thats the one thing that gets to me because I help others out so much, I end up getting screwed over all the time.
I came home yesterday after work. He brought home flowers. Yes we live together. We havent really discussed anything today. I'm just at a lost for words and I have no idea what to do anymore.
A little about me in a nutshell....
I'm 22 years old and the middle child. I have two younger brothers and one older sister. None of us share the same dads(except for one of my younger brothers but we have different moms). The only history of abuse I have in my past is a sexual assault I experienced after being encouraged to drink quite a bit and then take an Ambien sleeping pill. My biological father died last year from a heart attack and my mother is one of my best friends.
Last February (2012), I was at a house party with some friends and saw someone that caught my eye. I'm pretty shy so that fact that I pursued this guy, says something about him. We started "officially" dating on St Patricks Day in 2012. Two months later he ended up moving in with me in a sense just because it was more pratical. (closer to work etc) When I "fell for him" he had no money, job, or a car, and lived at home with his mother. Naturally I'm a caring person at heart, people joke that I'm a mother hen and I totally agree with this.
The first couple of times we spent the night together after an evening of drinking I would wake up in a wet bed. For months I believed him when he told me that he brought a beer to bed and fell asleep so it spilled. After a bit I realized he was WETTING the bed. He has narcelepsy(sp?) so if he goes to bed with a bladder full of beer...his body wont tell him to wake up and go to the bathroom. I've had my passenger seat, two couches, two chairs, and one bed ruined because of this. Another problem he has with drinking is financially. He doesnt know when to stop buying it let alone stop drinking it! And finally, his last problem, which I feel like I saved it for last because I'm partially in denial....Temper. He would start fights over the stupidest things and just SCREAM in my face using every other word with a swear word. He accused me of having sexual relations with all of my guy friends even though he was informed in the beginning of our relationship that I have more guy friends than girl friends.
Fast forward a bit. Last December I finally had enough. He had gotten a job but I was still paying for a majority of his crap. I had enough. I broke it off with him and he got very drunk and screamed at me for about 15 minutes before I had my other roommate drive him to a friends. The next day I loaded up his car with all of his stuff and left it at the truck stop. I changed my number, blocked him on facebook, everything. Jan 9th he got a DUI. About 20 days later he walked into my house(let himself in) after the bars closed wanting to talk to me. This freaked me out and I filed for an order of protection. He constantly kept contacting me and in April I told him we could try again if he got sober...because I did love him. He did and from May 4th until July 4th he was completely SOBER. Life was great. He went camping with friends that I met up with the next day. It was about 7pm when I showed up to the campground and he was in the tent sprawled out in a puddle of his own urine. Even though I told him I would leave him if he drank again I didnt that time.
Fast forward to August. Came home from a friends late and the only way I knew he was drunk was because I woke up, IN OUR NEW BED, and his urine had soaked through the $60 mattress protector. This was a Wednesday. The very next SATURDAY, he went to a friends post wedding celebration BBQ deal. I stayed home because he said it was going to be mostly men. He came home drunk that night. He tried SO hard to prove he was sober, but I knew. He slept on the couch that I had just spent 1 hour vacuuming and cleaning that day. Surprise, surprise....the next day it was soaked with urine.
The main thing that has prompted me joining here though was what just happened 3 days ago. We went to a Labor Day bonfire down the street. I was mingling with friends I hadnt seen for months (I gave up drinking when he did although I never had a problem but then I never saw friends because I never went to parties). At one point he got extremely jealous and said he was leaving. I found him in the garage pouting to our other roommates. When I walked in they left the two of us alone and thats when the devil came out. He was completely intoxicated and started screaming at me how I was ignoring him and flirting with every other guy here. As I tried to reassure him I was just catching up with friends he kept screaming. Judging by his body language I could tell there were so many times he wanted to hit me but he didnt. He accused me of cheating on him and said that the past couple weeks I've "changed". Keep in mind, the last couple of weeks was when he fell off the train all those times. When I tried to walk away from him and go back to the bonfire he threw his beer bottle and it shattered on the ground. He picked me up off the ground by wrapping his arms around me and literally lifting and dragging me. I of course screamed and my friends that I appreciate so much came running. Long story short I just have a bruise on my elbow from what I think is his thumb. He didnt end up leaving the party so I left and stayed at my mom's Sunday night and Monday night. While I was gone he kept texting me telling me how pathetic I was for not talking to him face to face and how everyone was right about me because I'm so selfish all I care about is myself. He knows thats the one thing that gets to me because I help others out so much, I end up getting screwed over all the time.
I came home yesterday after work. He brought home flowers. Yes we live together. We havent really discussed anything today. I'm just at a lost for words and I have no idea what to do anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
GET - OUT - NOW!
You know it in your heart. That's what you need to do right now.
He will *only* find true sobriety if you desires it for himself. You can't make him. We can't make him. And he's not just a drunk. He's horribly abusive. No excuses. I don't even know you and I am scared for you.
First step - get out of this relationship.
You know it in your heart. That's what you need to do right now.
He will *only* find true sobriety if you desires it for himself. You can't make him. We can't make him. And he's not just a drunk. He's horribly abusive. No excuses. I don't even know you and I am scared for you.
First step - get out of this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
Noraa:
Have you ever seen the cycle of abuse chart? It may be helpful.
Also, I suggest finding a forum for abusive relationships. Not that you are not welcome here. If fact, I want to know how you are doing, but I think you need a support group who will encourage you to *not* "take him back" when he's sobered up for a few days. We may be a little biased in the wrong direction.
God Bless.
Have you ever seen the cycle of abuse chart? It may be helpful.
Also, I suggest finding a forum for abusive relationships. Not that you are not welcome here. If fact, I want to know how you are doing, but I think you need a support group who will encourage you to *not* "take him back" when he's sobered up for a few days. We may be a little biased in the wrong direction.
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Noraa, Good for you for reaching out for help! Please stay connected with other people, you are in a very precarious situation. There is NO excuse for his behavior. You can't change him, but you can take steps to protect yourself. I am glad you have a network of friends.
This is not only unhealthy, it is dangerous. You sound very intelligent, do not get sucked into this nightmare, he is not your problem. Do not get sucked in when he sobers up for a few days, he is nowhere near recovering. I am so sorry you are in such a predicament, trust yourself and listen to your heart, you know you deserve WAY better.
This is not only unhealthy, it is dangerous. You sound very intelligent, do not get sucked into this nightmare, he is not your problem. Do not get sucked in when he sobers up for a few days, he is nowhere near recovering. I am so sorry you are in such a predicament, trust yourself and listen to your heart, you know you deserve WAY better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Time to move on.
He is NOT going to change.
And worst of all,you are enabling him.
HUGE flag " When I "fell for him" he had no money, job, or a car, and lived at home with his mother."
Just thank god you never married.
He is NOT going to change.
And worst of all,you are enabling him.
HUGE flag " When I "fell for him" he had no money, job, or a car, and lived at home with his mother."
Just thank god you never married.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 14
I appreciate everyone's posts. You all have been so welcoming and kind!
I guess I'm one of those people who give others too many second chances. I'll make sure I keep myself safe I promise. He has admitted that he has a problem and he has sworn off alcohol and he will go to AA. Usually when he has said this before he usually screws up within the next two weeks. I'm going to give him that third chance, because that will in turn give me time to figure things out....
I'll keep everyone updated!
I guess I'm one of those people who give others too many second chances. I'll make sure I keep myself safe I promise. He has admitted that he has a problem and he has sworn off alcohol and he will go to AA. Usually when he has said this before he usually screws up within the next two weeks. I'm going to give him that third chance, because that will in turn give me time to figure things out....
I'll keep everyone updated!
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