HakunaMatata

I've been going to AA meeting for a few weeks now. In some ways I can relate to others' stories, in many ways I cannot. People speak of waking up and blindly fumbling for their fifth of vodka and drinking from sun up to sun down, secluding themselves from the world, tying to escape their minds, thoughts, themselves.

I have never had the urge to drink by myself to the point of getting overly drunk. By myself, I would have usually a half bottle of wine, sometimes a full bottle over a four-hour period, but I never drank more than that by myself. And that wasn't every week. Maybe once or twice a week after a particularly exhausting work day.

I was/am a social drinker. I would go out 1-2 times a week to drink with friends. A little back story: I never had an issue with drinking out of control prior to a horrible, emotionally abusive relationship. Prior to this relationship with, let's call him Bob, I was confident, knew who I was, did not feel like I needed alcohol as a crutch or social lubricant. My friends would always comment that they wish they had the self-assureness I had. I wasn't stuck up by any means, but was just comfortable with who I was. To make a long story short, Bob crushed my ego, my self-confidence, made me feel like I was worthless, that I needed him to function. He was incredibly manipulative, charismatic, sneaky and controlling and I didn't realize I was losing myself. It came to the point where I was dependent on him. I was not happy and knew that I was in a bad/wrong situation, but came to be so familiar with it that I just got sucked in deeper. This is where the drinking got bad. I would drink in an effort to make myself seem cooler, more funny, more likable to other people because my ego had been beat down so hard that I literally thought I was worthless and nobody liked me.

I felt I needed liquid courage to go into social situations (it wasn't like this always). I started blacking out more and more. Even if I told myself I would have one drink, I would almost always overdo it. But thinking back, the reason behind my social binge drinking was ALWAYS due to feeling inadequate, having low self esteem, and the misconceived perception that people would like me more if I was under the influence.

I finally woke up to what was happening, left Bob, moved 6 hours away from him and started over in a new town where I only knew one person. It's scary how much I lost myself during that relationship, but being away from that, in a new place, I can already feel my real self and my self-confidence coming back.

I was using alcohol to cope with low self-esteem, social anxiety, feeling of inadequateness, but I never felt a compulsive need to use it, to escape from reality. I haven't drank for a couple weeks, and yes, I feel way better mentally and physically, but what I'm having a problem with is giving it up 100%. I want to be able to have a glass of wine with my mom while watching trashy TV, and when I get married, I want to be able to toast with champagne, and have that mojito poolside on my honeymoon. I intend to barely drink (I'm talking a few times a year) and get therapy for what I feel is an underlying issue that is causing my poor drinking habits. I'm struggling now whether to keep up AA or not. The meetings help me to curb my drinking, I can relate to many parts of it, I like many concepts of AA, and would like to apply them to my life, but I feel like i'm not quite in the same boat, and feel like I'm dealing with a mental issue that I need to resolve that could in turn effect my drinking habits. If I feel great about myself and realize that I'm a good person to be around, I won't feel the need to over drink to compensate for my "short comings".

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

Dee74

Some people here, like me, feel they had underlying reasons for starting to drink.

The thing I found was tho that alcoholism was progressive - even tho some of my underlying reasons actually sorted themselves out over the 20 years I drank, I still drank.

to be sober I had to deal with my alcoholism - to be happy I had to deal with those underlying issues

D

Jeni26

I drank for the same reasons you did-to fit in socially, to give me confidence in situations where I felt anxious, and to give me courage when I was scared.

At least, that why I STARTED drinking to excess. Of course over time ( and this took years), the drinking escalated and I began to create reasons why I needed to drink. Bad day /good day / worried/ tired/ stressed/ excited/ celebrating/ commiserating etc etc. My behaviour when I was out deteriorated. I was not the life and soul of the party any more, but the outrageous, loud risk taker. I felt a great deal of shame for the behaviour I exhibited during some of those nights out. I started getting injured, ended up in hospital for accidents I had during blackout.

When I couldn't take any more, I did the sensible thing...and drank at home! Didn't stop drinking of course, but did a sort of damage limitation and I drank on my own or with my H. This was when things, far from improving, became even more serious...

My point is, yes, I've got underlying issues. I hope one day to be at that point when they are as resolved as they can be and no longer cause me difficulties.

But I can NEVER return to drinking. I passed the point of never return. No, I wasn't at the same level as a lot of people I hear sharing at AA. I didn't lose my home, job, marriage, but that was all just waiting to happen.

Having a drink watching tv? Is it really worth the risk?x

360shoes

Hi HakunaMatata,

That's a tough one. Just my opinion but I get it. I've known people who drank more than they should and for reasons they shouldn't and moved on from it. I don't necessarily fit into a category either but I suspect not many of us do. We are all different.

I understand the not relating to all the depths alcohol can cause too. I certainly had my share of problems but they certainly weren't the worst. Most people in my life thought I was okay for the most part. The only one who had the biggest problem with it was actually just me. However, I think enough of myself to actually care what I think so that was my biggest motivation.

I'd be hard pressed to give any advice since if I was wrong I would feel pretty bad about it. So I'm staying away from telling anyone what or what not to do on this one. For the most part, I'm better off just talking about me.

I quit drinking because I just didn't like me very much when I did drink. I was just get goofy drunk but regardless..still drunk. I always thought better of myself but if I drank too much. Yuk. Hated how I felt the next day about myself. I always thought I deserved better. I quit drinking because I have important things to work on and when I drink I'm not my best. And I certainly quit drinking because most of the time...not all..but most. I drank more than I planned on. I hate hangovers. Huge waste of time and there's a reason a hangover makes you sick. It's life's way of saying don't do that again. I didn't particularly care for how I could ignore that one when it suited me.

Anyway, I quit because it just wasn't working. It's just a stupid liquid that alters how you feel past a certain amount for anyone drinking it. Anyone who keeps doing that for a long period. It will probably cause some problems. It's been my experience if I want to change how I feel I'm better off learning to kick it old school and just do it all on my own.

I don't know. Sounds like a good idea to give it up anyway since you have something pretty big to work on. I would want to get back on track as fast as possible after an abusive relationship so for me, I'd give it up so I could give that my full attention at the very least.

Glad you posted and joined in. We are all just trying to find our way!

Boleo

When I first started attending 12 step meetings, my goal was to learn how to control my drinking. Ironically, I did manage curb my Sunday-Thursday drinking but found my Friday-Saturday drinking increased more to make up for it. My withdrawals became progressively worse on Sunday.

In the end, I learned that alcoholism is always progressive - never regressive.

Nuudawn

The underlying issues you refer to...well, I believe I may share them. Not only did I turn to alcohol as a means to cope but I also endured a terribly toxic and emotionally abusive relationship because I was so desperate for love and validation outside of myself. I have been as addicted to poisonous relationships as I have been alcohol. Recovery is all encompassing. Have you considered one-on-one counselling? I have been blessed with a therapist I connect with..and it was there I found a lot of the answers I needed.

llastchance8

Quote " In the end, I learned that alcoholism is always progressive - never regressive.
" Unquote .. I fully agree with Boleo.. Underlying issues always change with time.. Even after we might be able to tackle undelying issues succesfully, there could be more arising . If any of the current issue leades us to drink, the issue will always become more complex.. The best solution is that we should follow the only one command " Just do not drink "

ImperfectlyMe

Hey hunk welcome and good for you on taking a self inventory. Maybe you have alcohol abuse issues and maybe you don't. But either way you have started on a self discovery journey of getting healthy mentally and physically. Alcoholism like other diseases/conditions progresses. There are phases, and you may just be catching yourself early and that would be wonderful to save yourself from the destruction that alcohol addiction can cause you.

You post brought me back to a place I tuck far far away and try to NEVER think about. I was as a young woman long before I had any alcohol issues. I was an 18 year old beautiful girl confident smart and kind. I was in an abusive controlling relationship. He treated me like SH!t made me feel ugly stupid and unimportant. I learned to think and treat myself the same way. That was way worse than any physical abuse he served. I too eventually left almost in the cover of darkness. I secretly applied to universities very far away. Moved myself 1500 miles across country and started anew. That is the time when I discovered alcohol. I am now 35 and in a fairly healthy relationship. But I had up until recently use alcohol as my armor to be invisible and not feel like that worthless girl I was taught to be.

Stick around here you will learn about yourself. You are just starting on this journey even if to just heal from the past remaining sober is key to healing old wounds. I wish you well and again congrats on taking care of you before you are to far gone.

totfit

If you really want to continue drinking from time to time you might check out Moderation Management. If you find that you can't moderate and stay moderated, they also have an Abstinence side. I don't recommend this for me, but not everyone that has issues from time to time with alcohol is of the "type" that are hopeless when they take a drink. You know that AA is always there and SR is always here. On point is that closed AA meetings are for those that have a desire to quit drinking. There are other places, such as MM for those that do want to moderate. I used to think that there was a reason that I drank the way I did until I ran out of reasons and still drank the same, but that is me.

Anna

I definitely had underlying issues to deal with when I stopped drinking, a lot of stuff that I had to work through.

I also had to stop drinking forever. Dealing with my underlying issues did not cure my alcoholism. It did however, give me the tools I need to live a peaceful life.

hypochondriac

For many years I thought that if I could deal with the underlying issues of why I drank then I would magically transform into a normal drinker. Thing was I always drank too much, since I was 12, and I didn't factor in the fact that alcohol is an addictive substance. I agree that it is progressive, and even if the drinking isn't the consequences still will be. That is what happened with me anyway. My drinking was relatively controlled (I have since been told that controlling it everyday isn't control, which is a good point) and lacked some of the stereotypical 'alcoholic' reg flags, no eye openers, black outs, social problems... But my health was deteriorating even if though the amount I was drinking wasn't increasing and I also had horrendous anxiety. I knew I had to quit, even before I was told I had to. But I just kept waiting for the magic that would mean I could carry on drinking without consequences. I have come to learn that there are many types of drinking problems and that everyone deserves sobriety. If I knew how empowering and positive sobriety is I would have done it long ago. Even when I wasn't having serious consequences I knew things weren't right with my drinking, and I think that was because deep down I knew I was using it to avoid life. Whether or not you need to quit permanently or not it is worth giving sobriety a shot just because it is ace

Bebetter

I had an excellent therapist who helped me during my first attempt at sobriety. He told me that it was very likely that I was abusing alcohol because of my underlying issues of anxiety and identity, and that, once those issues were resolved, it was very likely that I could drink moderately. I'm not sure if I didn't resolve the issues or if he was just wrong, but it doesn't matter. I feel pretty good about life in general - I think I have lingering depression and anxiety from some tragedies I've endured in life, but nothing abnormal or difficult on a daily basis, and still - I cannot drink with moderation. I can do lots of other things in moderation - eat and smoke, for instance, but I cannot drink. I've managed to rewire my brain in such a way that I, like you, can't stop once I start drinking. I was not a drunk every night person. I drank a few glasses of wine/beer a night over the course of 4-5 hours, never really getting drunk - just relaxed. But my binging behavior was becoming more frequent and I was not myself when I was drinking. And all day long, I would look forward to the dinner hour, when I'd get my first cocktail. And only now, in retrospect, do I see how controlled I was, and how "not getting drunk" every night did not mean I wasn't under the influence of alcohol every hour of every day.

sugarbear1

If ya get to enough meetings, you will eventually hear your story spoken by another.....

Keep moving forward and stay stopped!

With love & hugs,
~SB