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Addicted to this life of hell...

Old 09-03-2013, 07:22 PM
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Addicted to this life of hell...

I'm new to this website. I am an addict but not the type of addict that most would be on this website. There isn't a lot of help out there for girls like me and it's almost impossible to talk to anybody about this addiction because it's not something you can just tell anybody. It's hard to reach out to people because a lot of people will judge somebody like me in a very negative way, instead of being the victim we are often looked at as the problem.

I am an escort (prostitute) and have been for about ten years. I remember when I first started in the business I quit after a few months and my boss laughed at me and said you'll be back, you girls always come back, you can't get out. I remember I was somewhat shocked when I heard that and I thought, that will never be me. I can quit and stay out when I want to...that was ten years ago. I'm in my 30's now, started in my early 20's. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to quit. I sometimes have been able to stop for a few months but I always go back. It's a lifestyle that is hard to get out of. It's not like I enjoy my job or what I do, in fact I actually hate it and hate sex. It took me a lot of years to get used to what I'm doing, it wasn't easy and still to this day it's still not easy although I have become somewhat numb to what I'm doing now. I don't get as angry anymore as I used to. I used to get so angry during a call that I could seriously hurt the men touching me, now I don't get as angry anymore. I just have learned how to wait, just wait until they're finished with me. I'm in a very difficult spot right now, I've been accepted into school and right now I have every opportunity to get out of the business, it's pretty much being handed to me on a silver platter at the moment almost like it's the universe's way of trying to push me out of the business finally but it's so hard. Every single day I'm struggling, I just completed 2 of my classes over the summer and on Thursday I go back to school full time. I'm trying so hard not to quit school but it's all I can think about. I have this strong temptation to quit everything and start back into the life full time, at the moment I'm still doing it but not as much because of school and when I'm in school I don't have the time to work but I can't stop thinking about quitting and just throwing myself back into the business. I know that that would be wrong and going to school and finally getting out of the life is what I need to do to be healthy again but I'm fighting it so much. I don't know how long I'll last in school before I quit. I don't want to fall back into the lifestyle, I know my life is in danger. I've had quite a bit of close calls already and I should be dead by now and if I don't quit I know I'll get killed sooner then later from one of these guys. I feel like right now I have two paths in front of me. One path leading to health, happiness and life and another path leading to death, it should be so obvious what I need to do but why is it so hard? If I do end up quitting school and going back into the biz full time I know I'm done. I'm gonna go hard, until it's all over. I will have nothing left to live for anyway if I go back into the biz. It's a depressing life and not one that's easy to leave. I wish I had somebody to talk to, I don't have much family or friends anymore. Everybody cut me out because I'm such an angry person now that nobody can handle me anymore. If anybody cares to talk I would love to have somebody to talk to. Please no judgement. I already know what I do is wrong. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:42 PM
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You have me to talk to. No judgment here. As a "child of the 60s", maybe what I did was not prostitution, but it might as well have been. I wasted a life by being addicted to men.

I thought it was my brains or my looks!! It was their d**k. Made bad choices; don't do the same.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:45 PM
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Welcome to SR, Lacy.
I don't think anybody here will judge you.
We're all struggling and striving, working towards a better future.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:47 PM
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Hey lacy. I've not been in your exact shoes but I can see your point of view. Just wanna send you a hug. I hope you stick with school and learn to feel proud of yourself in your journey. May I ask is part of the reason you stick with it for the money?
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:04 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. The reason I stick with it is because life is a lot easier as an escort in the sense that you have absolutely no responsibilities to anything, you're entire life becomes about making money from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed. You can't really do anything else besides wait for a call because you're so addicted to making the money. Even to book off for an hour to go for dinner with somebody is something that's hard to do because you know in that hour you could potentially be losing hundreds of dollars. You have no life, it's all about money and making as much as you can but for nothing. When money comes quick it goes even quicker. I have nothing to show for my 10 years of torture. Nothing but this addiction. In the last year I've moved to a different city, a city that is a lot more dangerous then where I worked before. I've almost been killed twice that I know of and have had several death threats and close calls where I somehow just got away by sneaking out or running as fast as I can to get away. Living this life just makes me hate myself even more. I feel ashamed even talking about what I do and how pathetic it is that I know I will be dead soon and I still can't quit. I don't feel like I have much life left anyway so I don't know why I'm trying to waste my time on school..I wish I could quit and never think about this lifestyle again but I'm obsessed with it even though I hate it so much..
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:13 PM
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Hi LG,

There's a thread on this very thing: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stitution.html

I think you can paste it in the URL and get it; otherwise it's under women recovery and you'll see the thread title (as seen above there).

Welcome to SR, I'm glad you found this site. It's incredibly supportive and there's a lot of hope and recovery from all kinds of addictions here.

My poison was alcohol and opiates, but all addictions seem to share the same result: lost hopes and dreams, regret, and "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization" (the quote is from the AA text, describing what our addiction results in). Kudos to you for reaching out for recovery before it gets worse, for fighting for your dreams.

Welcome aboard. I hope you stick around.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:15 PM
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I'd be the last person to judge anyone. You won't get judgment here, addiction comes in many different forms.

Welcome to SR.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:17 PM
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Welcome to SR Lacey.

Where is all the money going ? Do you have a chemical addiction as well ?
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:21 PM
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I don't have a chemical addiction. I have been sober and haven't touched alcohol or drugs in almost 9 years. It all goes to the lifestyle that I live. I have no limits, I do what I want when I want. I buy what I want, I travel a lot. Actually travel is where a lot of the money goes. I can drop thousands of dollars on one vacation alone. Literally the money goes nowhere, I spend a lot of money on nothing and on buying other people nothing. Taking people out to eat or doing things for others. It really just goes to nothing.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:41 PM
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Hi Lacy,
You will get no judgment from me. The one good thing about being an addict to whatever it is we each found ourselves addicted to is, we of all people, know the hell it is. If I judge another suffering human being...I'm judging myself also.

There is a way out. There is always a way.

If I were you, I would keep on reading around here. You can replace any one of our drug of choice with whichever yours is and I bet you will find more in common than not. If you find that our pain is similar, you may also find our hope can be too.

Reach out and let someone help you. Wherever you live I can promise you someone else has been where you are. That's where I would start. I'd find me a darn good therapist that I could talk to....safe...where I could share my demons. They are out there. We all had to start somewhere.

You are a courageous woman. I know how hard it is to get on here and put your hell into words right in front of your own eyes. You did it. Imagine what else you are strong enough to do.

Find the peace and beautiful life you so deserve.
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Old 09-03-2013, 09:06 PM
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Hi LG, you will get absolutely no judgement here. My addiction is alcohol and I have faltered so many times. I go away and come back with my tail between my legs each time........no matter, each time I am accepted as if it is my first post. I do understand your doubts though, being as you say, a less common addiction........but no matter, just because it's not in the public media as much, doesn't mean it doesn't exist......or perhaps even that people even recognise it as an addiction, including the addicted. You have made the right steps, you have came here and you've been extremely honest. I just have one question, has this addiction and the money you can make, lead also to chemical/alcohol addiction? I know from reading through many posts here, often, there are more than one, even if that other is cigarettes. Alcohol has been my only 'baby' therefore I can't give advise on quitting more than one (of that i've failed often), but was just a thought about what you viewed as your addiction?
Stay here LG, it's a good place to be.............your initials also stand for "life's good"!

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Old 09-03-2013, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by lacygirl View Post
I'm new to this website. I am an addict but not the type of addict that most would be on this website. There isn't a lot of help out there for girls like me and it's almost impossible to talk to anybody about this addiction because it's not something you can just tell anybody. It's hard to reach out to people because a lot of people will judge somebody like me in a very negative way, instead of being the victim we are often looked at as the problem.

I am an escort (prostitute) and have been for about ten years. I remember when I first started in the business I quit after a few months and my boss laughed at me and said you'll be back, you girls always come back, you can't get out. I remember I was somewhat shocked when I heard that and I thought, that will never be me. I can quit and stay out when I want to...that was ten years ago. I'm in my 30's now, started in my early 20's. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to quit. I sometimes have been able to stop for a few months but I always go back. It's a lifestyle that is hard to get out of. It's not like I enjoy my job or what I do, in fact I actually hate it and hate sex. It took me a lot of years to get used to what I'm doing, it wasn't easy and still to this day it's still not easy although I have become somewhat numb to what I'm doing now. I don't get as angry anymore as I used to. I used to get so angry during a call that I could seriously hurt the men touching me, now I don't get as angry anymore. I just have learned how to wait, just wait until they're finished with me. I'm in a very difficult spot right now, I've been accepted into school and right now I have every opportunity to get out of the business, it's pretty much being handed to me on a silver platter at the moment almost like it's the universe's way of trying to push me out of the business finally but it's so hard. Every single day I'm struggling, I just completed 2 of my classes over the summer and on Thursday I go back to school full time. I'm trying so hard not to quit school but it's all I can think about. I have this strong temptation to quit everything and start back into the life full time, at the moment I'm still doing it but not as much because of school and when I'm in school I don't have the time to work but I can't stop thinking about quitting and just throwing myself back into the business. I know that that would be wrong and going to school and finally getting out of the life is what I need to do to be healthy again but I'm fighting it so much. I don't know how long I'll last in school before I quit. I don't want to fall back into the lifestyle, I know my life is in danger. I've had quite a bit of close calls already and I should be dead by now and if I don't quit I know I'll get killed sooner then later from one of these guys. I feel like right now I have two paths in front of me. One path leading to health, happiness and life and another path leading to death, it should be so obvious what I need to do but why is it so hard? If I do end up quitting school and going back into the biz full time I know I'm done. I'm gonna go hard, until it's all over. I will have nothing left to live for anyway if I go back into the biz. It's a depressing life and not one that's easy to leave. I wish I had somebody to talk to, I don't have much family or friends anymore. Everybody cut me out because I'm such an angry person now that nobody can handle me anymore. If anybody cares to talk I would love to have somebody to talk to. Please no judgement. I already know what I do is wrong. Thanks for listening.
Girl, you can change this and get your life back. Have you heard of an organization called "Hookers for Jesus"? I know the name is comical, but the work they do is sensational. Its a great place for you to start and if I were you, id reach out and contact the owner, who is a lovely woman. They help women in the business get their lives back and to get out of the cycle of prostitution. It can be as addictive as anything else. Check it out, I hope I helped somewhat.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:34 AM
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I am so proud of you for taking those courses over the summer and going to school this fall!!!!
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:38 AM
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Wishing you the best of luck with school Lacy

I think it's a lot like the sort of life changes we make as addicts actually - we know what the old life holds - but we have to have a little faith that the new way of life we've chosen will be better.

There will be times you feel vulnerable and scared but I hope you'll stick with it and keep moving forward.

You deserve better

D
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:33 PM
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I called the school today and quit I also gave this kid up to foster care. I can't provide the best life for him. I did all of this so that I can continue to work as a sex trade worker. I want to die. I'm disgusted with myself. How can I be so stupid? All I've ever wanted was to be a mom and I've recently been given the opportunity to do so and I can't do it because of this addiction. I hate myself, I hate who I've become. I'm slowly cutting almost everybody out of my life and soon I will be alone with nobody but me and this life. I feel like a failure, I will never forgive myself for this and I will soon give up on life because my life is worthless. Who becomes addicted to the sex industry? how ****** up is that? What kind of girl gives up her whole life to do something that she hates doing? I want to live straight so bad but I won't allow myself to. I feel hopeless now. I gave up every opportunity that I had to get out of this business. I gave up the last bit of hope that was given to me, there's nothing left for me and no reason for me to be here. I'm a disgusting failure.
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:50 PM
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I must, respectfully, disagree: you are not a disgusting failure. You are just sick with an illness called addiction. Think of it like cancer or leukemia, if you can. It's an illness, of mind, body and spirit, perhaps, but an illness, nonetheless.

I hope you stick around. Not everyone gets snapped out of their addiction the second they realize the problem. It's often a process. Hang around. Check out sex-industry support groups as have been mentioned here and on the other thread. Please just stay...it can't hurt. Addictions come in all forms and several folks on this site have talked about sex-industry addiction. You aren't alone and you don't have to give up on yourself. We won't.
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:55 PM
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I don't think anyone's ever beyond hope.

That's a lot of really important decisions to make in one day tho?

D
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:58 PM
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You are not a failure, you have an addiction. I'm sorry you made the decision to quit school. I do understand the compulsive nature of addiction, for sure. I poisoned my body with alcohol for 3 years because I was afraid to stop. Have faith that you can turn your life around and become the person you want to be.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:15 PM
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Giving you a virtual hug. Stay connected here. You'll have support and people who truly care about you. I already do.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:25 PM
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Lacy,

Check out Celebrate Recovery at a local Church. It is for all habits, hang ups and hurts. Think of it as a faith (Jesus Christ) based 12 step program. It can help you. At least google it. No judgement here. We are all nothing but a bunch of beggars and thieves in God's eyes.
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