Addicted to this life of hell...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
There's no judgment from me Lacy, and you're not a failure.
Because of my unusual (but legal and moral) occupation, I've been acquainted with a few young women like you (on a personal level, not a professional level). These weren't close friendships, but some of the women did open up to me about their lives. Like alcoholics/addicts, the stories of sex workers are usually quite similar. The money is often so good, it's hard to leave the lifestyle. Paradoxically, most of the women hate the lifestyle, but fear of a "straight" job, a significant reduction in income and lack of experience in standard occupations can be huge hurdles to overcome. Sex work becomes the only life these young women have known for a long time, so it's very tough and very scary to leave it behind.
There are organizations out there that may be able to help. Have you tried any? If you're still working, you should be able to afford therapy, that would be good start. Hopefully, you can find someone who could help you transition from sex work to a straight job and life. The life of sex worker is hard IMO, and dangerous. You're still young, and while you can't see it now, you can have a lifetime of happiness and self-respect ahead of you.
A couple of links of organizations that may be of help. I'm sure there are others if you do a Google search. And keep posting here if you need to talk or vent.
WomensLaw.org | Trafficking/Prostitution/Sexual Exploitation Organizations
For Women Wanting Out
Because of my unusual (but legal and moral) occupation, I've been acquainted with a few young women like you (on a personal level, not a professional level). These weren't close friendships, but some of the women did open up to me about their lives. Like alcoholics/addicts, the stories of sex workers are usually quite similar. The money is often so good, it's hard to leave the lifestyle. Paradoxically, most of the women hate the lifestyle, but fear of a "straight" job, a significant reduction in income and lack of experience in standard occupations can be huge hurdles to overcome. Sex work becomes the only life these young women have known for a long time, so it's very tough and very scary to leave it behind.
There are organizations out there that may be able to help. Have you tried any? If you're still working, you should be able to afford therapy, that would be good start. Hopefully, you can find someone who could help you transition from sex work to a straight job and life. The life of sex worker is hard IMO, and dangerous. You're still young, and while you can't see it now, you can have a lifetime of happiness and self-respect ahead of you.
A couple of links of organizations that may be of help. I'm sure there are others if you do a Google search. And keep posting here if you need to talk or vent.
WomensLaw.org | Trafficking/Prostitution/Sexual Exploitation Organizations
For Women Wanting Out
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
to SR LacyI am not sure what kind of addiction you have whether you are addicted to making fast cash or getting money out of men but rest assured that SR is a safe place to be at.
I am not sure which 12 steps program would cover your addiction but maybe someone will have a brilliant idea here.
In the interim, have you thought about doing web cam shows online instead of being an escort? You would be making fast money too but at least those guys would not be touching you and you would not be at risk of getting beat up or God knows what. I have a friend who does that and she makes good money, shoo if I was younger and thinner I might look into it LOL.
I spend a lot of money on nothing and on buying other people nothing. Taking people out to eat or doing things for others. It really just goes to nothing.
Be kind to yourself and take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Lacy - My heart goes out for you. Please seek outside assistance. I also really like Carlotta's idea. It is a step in the right direction to at least keep you safe in the short-term...
You are also still young. You have a whole life ahead of you but you need to be the one to start the change... Wishing you all my best, 4S
Originally Posted by Carlotta 
In the interim, have you thought about doing web cam shows online instead of being an escort? You would be making fast money too but at least those guys would not be touching you and you would not be at risk of getting beat up or God knows what. I have a friend who does that and she makes good money
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
so as to make an escape
Originally Posted by lacygirl
One path leading to health, happiness and life and another path leading to death, it should be so obvious what I need to do but why is it so hard?
your story is so very touching
I have known some prostitutes
one years ago I wanted to help get out and get sober
she pretty much wanted a new life also
before she could get with the sober Program
I heard that she had overdosed
it broke my heart and still does
please cling very tightly to the new life offered to you
as you know
things happen all so fast out there in the streets
most never thought that they could die on that day
yes
it will be very hard at times
as the
old man or woman calls us back to our easy sin
I had to ask God for much help
so as to make an escape
the same is wished and prayed for you
Mountainman
I have known some prostitutes
one years ago I wanted to help get out and get sober
she pretty much wanted a new life also
before she could get with the sober Program
I heard that she had overdosed
it broke my heart and still does
please cling very tightly to the new life offered to you
as you know
things happen all so fast out there in the streets
most never thought that they could die on that day
yes
it will be very hard at times
as the
old man or woman calls us back to our easy sin
I had to ask God for much help
so as to make an escape
the same is wished and prayed for you
Mountainman
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 9
Thank you all for your kind and loving responses. It really helps me a lot to hear what all of you have to say and how understanding, compassionate and encouraging you all are. I had a really hard day today, I made the decision to throw myself back into the sex trade industry and I decided that I wasn't going to fight it anymore. I will succumb to this addiction because it is easier to give in to it then to fight it. After I made all these decisions I literally felt like death. I knew I did everything wrong for myself and I knew that with the choice I made that I won't be around much longer, today I gave up on myself and let the addiction take over but hours later I told myself I have to keep trying. I can't give up, I'm going to try for as long as I can until I can't fight it anymore and today I can keep fighting. Luckily I was able to do damage control and the school was very understanding, they said it's ok that I will only be missing one day and it's just orientation anyway and that I can start on Friday. I feel better about myself that I'm not giving up just yet, I had a brief moment of weakness today but that's all i'm going to allow it to be is just a "brief moment of weakness". My mom always tells me "Let it go, don't let it grow" so today my goal is to just not let those thoughts grow. I read a story tonight that really helped me, maybe it will help somebody else out there...thank you again for all of your support, this website has already brought me so much relief. I was so alone before and I couldn't talk to anybody, not even a therapist about what I do so thank you for allowing me to talk, I was uncomfortable at first and thought most people wouldn't have respect for me for what I do, I know when girls like me get killed or raped the general public give off this reaction like we had what's coming to us because of the lifestyle we live. I'm thankful that I found a place where nobody judges me and provides me with nothing but love and encouragement. Thank you so much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 9
“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, "May I have permission to go into battle with you?" Fear said, "Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission." Then the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?" Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power." In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ” - Pema Chodron
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi LG, You are every bit as worthy as anyone, and you are worth fighting for.
Good for you to not relinquish your chance at school. See, there is a healthy survivor in you. I hope you stay onboard, it's good to have you here!
Good for you to not relinquish your chance at school. See, there is a healthy survivor in you. I hope you stay onboard, it's good to have you here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
LG, I'm so very glad you were able to ride out the despair and fear. It is the first steps that are the most difficult, so I hope you can find at the very least a whisper of compassion for yourself.
I have been full of self-loathing most of my life, partly it was just there, but I amped it up by condemning myself for some of my mistakes, too. Someone said something that has stuck with me: try treating yourself the way you would a close friend, or a child when they are suffering. Do I treat a loved one with contempt and cruelty or do I try to be a hammock, a save haven, try to help shoulder their burden, ease their suffering? We do the latter, and so we deserve the same compassionate concern with our own suffering that we offer someone we love and care about.
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."
I'm glad you stayed, and I hope you can get some F2F support, too - none of us can go it alone.
I have been full of self-loathing most of my life, partly it was just there, but I amped it up by condemning myself for some of my mistakes, too. Someone said something that has stuck with me: try treating yourself the way you would a close friend, or a child when they are suffering. Do I treat a loved one with contempt and cruelty or do I try to be a hammock, a save haven, try to help shoulder their burden, ease their suffering? We do the latter, and so we deserve the same compassionate concern with our own suffering that we offer someone we love and care about.
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."
I'm glad you stayed, and I hope you can get some F2F support, too - none of us can go it alone.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Lacy, my nephew had a little girl in January. Our family has had a tough couple of years, so she is such a bright light on the family tree. we see her as a new beginning. her name is lacey. you can have a new beginning, too.
take a leap. trust that your new life won't be easier, but it WILL be better. you can do this!
take a leap. trust that your new life won't be easier, but it WILL be better. you can do this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
Lacy
thinking about you on this early morning 5:23am
it's one day at a time for us
today is yet another new day
Dear God help us to make the right decisions today
Mountainman
thinking about you on this early morning 5:23am
it's one day at a time for us
today is yet another new day
Dear God help us to make the right decisions today
Mountainman
Thank you so much for your concern, this means a lot to me. I actually feel so much better today and HOPEFUL!! I found an organization that provides a 24/7 support number that I can call. It is mostly psychologists or almost psychologists that operate the line. Today I spoke with a trauma psychologist for about an hour and it left me feeling so hopeful. She helped me to understand the lifestyle and the mental aspect that goes alone with it, we talked about everything and I feel like I have a better understanding already of why it's so hard to get out. I told her my situation and she said it seems like the universe is trying so hard to get you out of this life it's just now a matter of doing it and she said that's what they're there for is to help with the mental part of it all, that I can call any day, anytime or when I'm feeling the deep urge to do a call. We got off the phone agreeing that just for today I won't work. I won't see any clients, tomorrow is a new day but just for today I am going to love myself and stay out of the business. I feel strong this morning and starting to feel like I can actually do this...so today my goal is to love myself, stay safe and not work..thank you again for the message and support it helps me and makes me feel the love and caring that I haven't felt in such a long time...thank you...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
glad that you are finding even more support Lacy
not sure about your living conditions
for the ones that wish to break free
in most of the larger towns they have group homes for the working girls
giving the Ladies a place to live, if needed get sober, new job training etc
and
with your case to also help you with your education
just a thought
from
Mountainman
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Lacy, I'm so glad you were able to make that call, glad that you got what sounds like some really good support, and so glad you've got a little taste of the hope that can grow into joy. I agree with the counselor - from finding this site, to calling the number...the Universe, God, The Great Benevolence, Whatever!, is gently, gently nudging you forward to find your 'real life', lived from your own good heart.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Mars
Posts: 296
Can you tell the school that you changed your mind and that you want to continue after all?
This is from your first post in this thread:
"I feel like right now I have two paths in front of me. One path leading to health, happiness and life and another path leading to death, it should be so obvious what I need to do but why is it so hard?"
People tend to move towards the familiar and avoid the risk of the unfamiliar. But guess what? Once you get used to school (and the responsibilities), that becomes familiar! Only thing you have to do is to give it some time. It usually doesn't take long. It might be stressful during that period but you will eventually be comfortably on the path to health, happiness and life.
There is no real risk there, you just there is. In your life until now there was real danger though. Move away from that!
If school isn't an option, look for something else. Opportunities are in fact there, you just have to find them. If you really want to find something and really look for it, you will find it.
Another thing. You need to look positively at yourself. You are none of the negative things you imagine yourself to be. Consider yourself to be a good, worthy person who deserves the best life has to offer. That was already true. What you did in your past never changed that. You just thought it did.
Set your mind to finding a good path and you'll find it.
Keep us posted!
This is from your first post in this thread:
"I feel like right now I have two paths in front of me. One path leading to health, happiness and life and another path leading to death, it should be so obvious what I need to do but why is it so hard?"
People tend to move towards the familiar and avoid the risk of the unfamiliar. But guess what? Once you get used to school (and the responsibilities), that becomes familiar! Only thing you have to do is to give it some time. It usually doesn't take long. It might be stressful during that period but you will eventually be comfortably on the path to health, happiness and life.
There is no real risk there, you just there is. In your life until now there was real danger though. Move away from that!
If school isn't an option, look for something else. Opportunities are in fact there, you just have to find them. If you really want to find something and really look for it, you will find it.
Another thing. You need to look positively at yourself. You are none of the negative things you imagine yourself to be. Consider yourself to be a good, worthy person who deserves the best life has to offer. That was already true. What you did in your past never changed that. You just thought it did.
Set your mind to finding a good path and you'll find it.
Keep us posted!
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