In Hell
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,164
Jimjim, another marcher here reaching out to you. I agree with a previous poster you wouldn't have come here if you didn't still have hope and desire. As Marcher says take it slowly one step at a time, one hour at a time, but stick close and there is help at hand.
If so many people genuinely care about you and your well being, isn't it time you started to care a little too? Be strong my friend.
If so many people genuinely care about you and your well being, isn't it time you started to care a little too? Be strong my friend.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
JimJim, from another Marcher, i'm happy you stopped by and hope you will stay! I know how hard it is and how truly crummy we can feel about ourselves. Some of this is about accepting the things we cannot change (such as the fact that we simply cannot drink) and the rest is about the choices we make. So when we choose to come here and we choose to go to recovery meetings, we are actively working on our challenges.
What Dee said is so very true: when it's not working for us, what else do we need to add to the mix?
Self-loathing is something we have probably all been through but it doesn't solve the problem. Thinking more positively about yourself might be a good first step for you.
We are all here for you and I will be thinking of you as you struggle with this. Please stay with it!
Sass
What Dee said is so very true: when it's not working for us, what else do we need to add to the mix?
Self-loathing is something we have probably all been through but it doesn't solve the problem. Thinking more positively about yourself might be a good first step for you.
We are all here for you and I will be thinking of you as you struggle with this. Please stay with it!
Sass
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 96
There is one good thing about alcoholism...the amount of support options and people who have been through the same thing as you is vast...In addition to AA, there are church recovery groups, online groups (as you have found) and so many other support programs and groups that I am still learning about myself...
I believe that just about anyone who is able to admit their problem open and honestly and seeks any of type of help will recover (even if it takes a whole bunch of tries)...in the meantime any day that you through get sober counts. I too lost so much of myself in that last few years of drinking. It's just what happens.
Just don't give up...we look forward to your continued posts!
I believe that just about anyone who is able to admit their problem open and honestly and seeks any of type of help will recover (even if it takes a whole bunch of tries)...in the meantime any day that you through get sober counts. I too lost so much of myself in that last few years of drinking. It's just what happens.
Just don't give up...we look forward to your continued posts!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 891
Hi JimJim. Another Marcher here. Great to see you back here posting. Sorry that you are feeling so low. I likewise have kept slipping, but no matter, I do keep coming back. SR is such an amazing resource and there are many people here who care about you and want to see you succeed. Keep posting JimJim, you can do this, you can get yourself out of this 'hell'. Rooting for you. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: England
Posts: 405
Your replies make me feel like I'm always amongst friends, people that get it. It's so very much appreciated and I am very thankful. I'm currently sat in my own filth, empty cans at my feet and muck all over the floor. I have blooded knuckles and fingers from punching the walls in anger and frustration. I am am sat here, shaking and sucking on what's left of the cans, pondering what's next and what the hell I have let my self become.
I have so much anger towards myself for letting it get this far in, the hatred and disappointment in myself crackles and shoots under my skin and throughout my body like the brightest lightening in a storm.
It seems sometimes motivation to save myself comes and goes, I think that's the nature of the positive and negative of the universe and like all things in life. At some moments recently though, like now, it feels like only ending my physical existence will put an end to this neurotic dysfunction and mind trap. Every man has his breaking point as they say. I believe that, it's been proved on so many historical occasions. So much despair can only occur for so long before something changes. I think I'm close to that point.
To those that have kindly replied and always do that it's good that I am back, well I am never away. It feels llike this is who I am now. I have been stripped of my career, loved ones and everything and it's just me and the booze left, it's a very uncomfortable relationship and theres's nothing to hide behind anymore, I am looking at who I am, straight on. That's all that is on the agenda here, so I'm never away. I was reading something the other day about the difference between what and who you are. I think I hid behind what I was and what I had for a long time, when that's gone and I look at who I am, with no choice but to do so, it's ugly and extremely unpleasant.
I have so much anger towards myself for letting it get this far in, the hatred and disappointment in myself crackles and shoots under my skin and throughout my body like the brightest lightening in a storm.
It seems sometimes motivation to save myself comes and goes, I think that's the nature of the positive and negative of the universe and like all things in life. At some moments recently though, like now, it feels like only ending my physical existence will put an end to this neurotic dysfunction and mind trap. Every man has his breaking point as they say. I believe that, it's been proved on so many historical occasions. So much despair can only occur for so long before something changes. I think I'm close to that point.
To those that have kindly replied and always do that it's good that I am back, well I am never away. It feels llike this is who I am now. I have been stripped of my career, loved ones and everything and it's just me and the booze left, it's a very uncomfortable relationship and theres's nothing to hide behind anymore, I am looking at who I am, straight on. That's all that is on the agenda here, so I'm never away. I was reading something the other day about the difference between what and who you are. I think I hid behind what I was and what I had for a long time, when that's gone and I look at who I am, with no choice but to do so, it's ugly and extremely unpleasant.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: England
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I know the way you're feeling JimJim...it ended up I thought my one and only purpose in life was to empty bottles of liquor down my throat.
I was less of a human being than a receptacle for booze.
There is another way - living not simply existing.
what are you doing for your recovery?
D
I was less of a human being than a receptacle for booze.
There is another way - living not simply existing.
what are you doing for your recovery?
D
I read around this site for hours and hours the other day. I hate analogies but I read that alcoholism is a prison and the key to being free is from within. I think that's true. I have read some gut wrenching stuff on here and so I retain hope that I can live sober, as a human being. I have it within me. I think I Will have to find it within myself. People can help you so much, ya'know?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: England
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Itchy
You are right. We know, been there, felt that. It was bad enough that many of us here now also share the relief of long term sobriety and the cessation of obsessing about alcohol. I hope you can share that with me too whenever you are ready. Bad as it sounds, I could not quit for good one minute, hour, or day, before I was ready to be through with it forever.
It was miserable, and irrational, my drinking over my inability to stop drinking. I think that until I was ready to put it out of my life for good,to save my life, my life stayed at greater risk by the day.
I am recovered. No, that does not mean I can handle even one drink ever. It just means I believe I won't. Rationally.
Hope you get rational sooner than later.
It was miserable, and irrational, my drinking over my inability to stop drinking. I think that until I was ready to put it out of my life for good,to save my life, my life stayed at greater risk by the day.
I am recovered. No, that does not mean I can handle even one drink ever. It just means I believe I won't. Rationally.
Hope you get rational sooner than later.
I understand what you are saying though, completely.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,388
The first post you made today took me back.
If I can get out of that, you can too Jim
I believe you have it in you Jim....I really do.
It just takes deciding to do something different tomorrow.
D
If I can get out of that, you can too Jim
I believe you have it in you Jim....I really do.
It just takes deciding to do something different tomorrow.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I heard many times to get out of my
head and stop thinking. Don't analyze
or figure it out. Grab a hold of some
of those folks you saw at ur meeting
and ask for help. Let them know that
you are at the end of ur rope and you
can't do this by urself.
As much as I hated for anyone to tell
me what to do, I followed suggestions
better. I listened a lot and took those
suggestion seriously and put on foot
in front of the other.
I got off my high horse and became
one of many learning to stay sober
a day at a time.
Im not better than them. Im not less
than them. I am one of them.
head and stop thinking. Don't analyze
or figure it out. Grab a hold of some
of those folks you saw at ur meeting
and ask for help. Let them know that
you are at the end of ur rope and you
can't do this by urself.
As much as I hated for anyone to tell
me what to do, I followed suggestions
better. I listened a lot and took those
suggestion seriously and put on foot
in front of the other.
I got off my high horse and became
one of many learning to stay sober
a day at a time.
Im not better than them. Im not less
than them. I am one of them.
Recognizes the Beast
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the kitchen, cooking up a storm
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by JimJim
Your replies make me feel like I'm always amongst friends, people that get it. It's so very much appreciated and I am very thankful. I'm currently sat in my own filth, empty cans at my feet and muck all over the floor. I have blooded knuckles and fingers from punching the walls in anger and frustration. I am am sat here, shaking and sucking on what's left of the cans, pondering what's next and what the hell I have let my self become.
I have so much anger towards myself for letting it get this far in, the hatred and disappointment in myself crackles and shoots under my skin and throughout my body like the brightest lightening in a storm.
It seems sometimes motivation to save myself comes and goes, I think that's the nature of the positive and negative of the universe and like all things in life. At some moments recently though, like now, it feels like only ending my physical existence will put an end to this neurotic dysfunction and mind trap. Every man has his breaking point as they say. I believe that, it's been proved on so many historical occasions. So much despair can only occur for so long before something changes. I think I'm close to that point.
To those that have kindly replied and always do that it's good that I am back, well I am never away. It feels llike this is who I am now. I have been stripped of my career, loved ones and everything and it's just me and the booze left, it's a very uncomfortable relationship and theres's nothing to hide behind anymore, I am looking at who I am, straight on. That's all that is on the agenda here, so I'm never away. I was reading something the other day about the difference between what and who you are. I think I hid behind what I was and what I had for a long time, when that's gone and I look at who I am, with no choice but to do so, it's ugly and extremely unpleasant.
I have so much anger towards myself for letting it get this far in, the hatred and disappointment in myself crackles and shoots under my skin and throughout my body like the brightest lightening in a storm.
It seems sometimes motivation to save myself comes and goes, I think that's the nature of the positive and negative of the universe and like all things in life. At some moments recently though, like now, it feels like only ending my physical existence will put an end to this neurotic dysfunction and mind trap. Every man has his breaking point as they say. I believe that, it's been proved on so many historical occasions. So much despair can only occur for so long before something changes. I think I'm close to that point.
To those that have kindly replied and always do that it's good that I am back, well I am never away. It feels llike this is who I am now. I have been stripped of my career, loved ones and everything and it's just me and the booze left, it's a very uncomfortable relationship and theres's nothing to hide behind anymore, I am looking at who I am, straight on. That's all that is on the agenda here, so I'm never away. I was reading something the other day about the difference between what and who you are. I think I hid behind what I was and what I had for a long time, when that's gone and I look at who I am, with no choice but to do so, it's ugly and extremely unpleasant.
You are not a bad or weak person. Say that again, you are not a bad or weak person. You are sick though and are struggling with the disease of addiction, a disease that is a sickness like all other sicknesses.
Just because you can't quit on your own doesn't make you weak. Everybody needs help, some more than others depending on the severity of our illness. I for one, could have never quit without the love and support of my wife. If I was still single I wouldn't have stood a chance on my own.
But... you do need to take responsibility and get help for your sickness, whatever that may be. Someone who has diabetes has the responsibility to go the doctor and get insulin, someone who has cancer to go to a doctor for chemo or operations, etc.
An awful lot of people are rooting for you here brother. People don't root for the bad guys, they root for the good ones.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
I too felt hopeless and helpless for the longest time. But thanks to the good people here and my counselor I didn't give up. I kept trying until I finally got it right. I'm coming up on four years sober and for a long time I could barely manage four days.
If I can do it, so can you! 
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