Eleni58

Went to AA tonight and got my one month chip and also got some insight from old timers as to how to deal with the emotion "anger"--they really put that emotion into perspective--the only real emotion is love--all other emotions including anger are based on fear--fear is the root of anger--dig deep and search for the reason why you were fearful--having faith in a higher power helps diminish that fear; then pray for the person who you got angry with and try to understand why they acted the way they did--probably out of fear! !

Eleni58

UPDATE: I cannot make a long story short. Day 44 of sobriety yet I am besides myself with a variety of emotions--all negative today. Still so upset from last night's events I am shaking.

After a week of not calling or texting me, my boyfriend (or maybe I should say ex boyfriend) got off the road and came home last night. As soon as he walked in the door, he started bitching at me about all the things I did or didnt do during the week while he was gone. I didnt respond initially but I could feel those angry monster emotions begin to rise within. I waited until he sat down in his chair and he continued to rant. I finally interrupted him and calmly told him to save his breath because it was over with us. I said the most important thing to me right now is maintaining my sobriety--that he and I have incompatible lifestyles and I almost relapsed last weekend because he got me so upset. I said I cant be with him and maintain my sobriety at the same time. I told him that I dont expect him to quit drinking or going to the bars nor did I give him an ultimatum or ask him to change to conform to my sober lifestyle. I said i just want him to be happy and I want to be happy too and that my idea of fun drastically differs from his. I said it is what it is. And that there was no point in arguing about it cause it's over. I also told him that it would be a different story if he could go to bar and have one or two and stop but he has proven that he is unable to do that.

Well, he immediately got defensive--saying that he could stop after one half of a drink but doesnt want to. He said the only alcoholic and heavy drinker in this house is me. He kept referring to my drinking in present tense even though he knows darn well I havent drank in the last month and a half. He said he is going to go to the bar whether I like it or not and I cant tell him what to do. He kept saying that I bitch and nag about his drinking and try to tell him what to do. I said not once did I bitch about him going out or getting drunk and he said my brain is so soaked with alcohol that I dont even remember constantly nagging him.

Then it got ugly. He started calling me every name in the book and repeatedly put me down. He said since I quit drinking I act all high and almighty and that I act like I am too good for him because I dont drink and he does and that I think he is a bad person. He kept escalating his belittling of me and at one point accused me of having an affair with his best friend and that I am a *****. All the while he was putting me down he kept interjecting with comments about what a good man he is and how he does this and that and I do nothing. Anyway I tried to remain calm but I did raise my voice a few times when he said outright lies about me--especially about me having an affair. He finally stopped after 3 hours and went outside to sleep in the camper. I was so wound up and upset I went off my diet and ate a half bag of Reeses peanut butter cups and didnt get to sleep unt 5 am.

This morning I got up and he started in on me again and as I speak he is continuing to put me down. Right now I am horribly upset. I need some words of encouragement and support. I think he is trying his hardest to get me to relapse but I canf let him win.

ReadyAtLast

I'msorry you had such a bad night but you sound like you handled it really well.Good on you forstaying strong. a bag of peanut butter cups is nothing compared to what you could have had

I hope you are able to take steps to move out soon or ask him to move out asap then you won't be put in this situation again.

I don't think it's winning or losing but removing yourself from the situation now you've decided to end the relationship

stay strong

soberhawk

I am sorry you have to go through this Eleni.

Be strong.

kadidee

Eleni, you are so strong and clear-headed in seeing that you need to rid yourself of him. I was married to an abusive man several years ago. It started off verbal and emotional, but eventual got physical and downright dangerous (not to say that this man will get physical, but the verbal abuse is clear).

Honestly, the verbal and emotional abuse (including accusing me of ridiculous 'affairs') was so much more damaging than the physical. He is NOT the one for you. You deserve so much better. I'm on team Eleni.

mecanix

Stay strong Eleni ,

whatever happens we're here for you

Bestwishes, m

Twofish

Hi Eleni, I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this crap! He certainly knows all the rules of the blame game, doesn't he! I'm married to a similar man, and I know how nerve wrecking this verbal abuse can be. Will you let him go? I always thought I could change my husband, but after 30years, it only got worse, and more painful. Give yourself a hug and get away from the torture! Hugs from WI, TF

Eleni58

Now all of a sudden he is saying he doesnt understand why we have to break up just because we argue. I said it goes deeper than that and reiterrated that our lifestyles are not compatible and that he is bringing too much negativity in my life cuz all that comes from his mouth is negative things, criticisms amd put downs. Of course he denied this and said he only says negative things in response to my negative comments. He got all defensive and said I will never find a good as man as him because he can do it all and that I will regret this and miss him. He went on to say that I am a good woman and I won't know how good I had it with him until I lose him. He said he will miss me but he wont stop drinking. He then said my stopping drinking has been hard on him because I made all these changes and I have changed. He said maybe he doesnt understand alcoholism amd maybe should go to AA meeting with me. When I continued to say that it was over I think he accepted it because he said he wants it to be an amicable breakup and he will help me move if need be.

Well folks, I am confused to say the least. I know its in my best interests to keep it broke off but part of me is really having a hard time letting go.

Marcella99

Eleni- so proud of you for reaching for peanut butter cups instead of the poison. Every negative thing he said about you is a reflection of his own insecurities coming out. Verbal abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse. Removing yourself from the situation and focusing on your sobriety is #1. And coming on here when you feel the urge is the best thing you and the rest of us can do.i wish I did that yesterday - I wouldn't be back at day 1. Hang in there hugs xx

FourSeasons

Hi Eleni Congratulations on remaining strong. He really like he is jealous of you and is working hard to bring you back down to his level. Do you have any place to go? Can you easily get away from this jerk?

Eleni58

Four Seasons--I have nowhere to go. But for now he did leave to go to a party so I have peace for a few hours anyway. I sincerely believe that although he is acting and talking like a jerk, he is lashing out because he is scared to death of losing me.

FourSeasons

I am so sorry you are struggling through this. There is no excuse for his nastiness and he is not willing to stop drinking to try to make the relationship work. He is just a selfish jerk. All I can say is to just stay strong... hugs

EndGameNYC

He can't deal with your sobriety because he can't control you like he did when you were drinking. No one should have to tolerate this kind of abuse.

jaynie04

I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough to get sober. I have a feeling two things are going on. He is panicking because he can tell you are taking yourself more seriously which means he is not going to be able to drag you through the mud anymore. And it sounds like you aren't the only one that needs to get sober.

The fact that you are dealing with your issue is probably throwing his problem under a harsher glare, so he is sending up smoke screens to try to divert the attention. It doesn't sound like he has been the long suffering victim because of your drinking. He sounds like a bully and a big baby. But I agree with the other posters, verbal abuse is as hurtful as physical abuse.

Congrats on keeping your side of the street clean.....keep your chin up, you are making positive changes and those people that really love you will support you!

DayTrader

Eleni...... good for you. You're living life. Just because we stop drinking it doesn't mean bad things stop happening. So in that respect, I'm not "sad" that you're going through this. I'm quite happy. Living life sober.......getting through problems and not having to drink....that's the deal here. And as a ps.... just because a breakup may "feel" bad.......don't make the assumption that it IS bad. My drinking history shows me I did a whooooooooole lotta things that felt great but turned out to be awful for me.

I know you're somewhat new to recovery so I won't hit too hard here.....but did you know the steps in the AA meetings you go to were designed not to get you to stop drinking but as tools to get through life sober AND happy? The implication here is you can go through a breakup and be happy. You can even be say....yet still happy (and do it at the same time!).

Let go, let God - as your signature reads, right? The third step in the Big Book talks about just why it is we decide to "let go." Check it out. I think you'll like it.

Eleni58

Four seasons: He cant stop drinking to save the relationship. He needs to first admit he has a problem and want to quit drinking for himself. Otherwise he would would end up resentful down the road and our relationship would be doomed for failure. Yes, he is being selfish--I agree and I told him as much but I also told him that I need to be selfish too in order to maintain my sobriety.

Eleni58

Jaynie: You really hit the nail on the head when you said that the fact that I am dealing with my issues is throwing his problem under a harsher glare. Bravo!

Eleni58

Daytrader: I realize I am early in sobriety and actually quite proud of myself to get through these variety of bad emotions without needing or wanting to drink. What I am going through can only make me stronger and although I am sad about the situation at hand right now, I do know I can be happy again. Breaking up is like death--need to go through the grieving process and then move on.

FourSeasons

Good for you!!! You've inspired me. Thank-you!!!

Eleni58

Marcella: You were spot on when you said every negative thing he said about me is a reflection of his own securities. I get that and although upsetting me at the moment, I now just take it with a grain of salt and consider the source.