sunset01

Hey everyone,
Since I've been sober except for the first few days, I thought I was doing ok. Right now I'm not so sure, last night I took myself to bed to read my book(one of the things I haven't done for yrs due to drinking), and was overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions, none of it nice or positive, all of it I was unable to control with my normal strategies.

Today I wake up and instantly recognise that I'm not going to have a good day, my mind is focused on the negative, everything I'm thinking is of no help or no use to me, and I cant shake it.

Yet I have 3 children I cant just curl into a sobbing ball and not take care of their needs. I have to keep on keeping on..

I feel like I'm living my life plastic fantastic, none of it authentic, is anything I've ever taken pleasure in true or is it me thinking I should take pleasure in this, after all normal people do, and fooling myself? I say I love you.....What the eff does that even mean? I look at people in cafe's and resteraunts, have even sat amongst them, and thought to myself are these people really happy with this existence? Went to my nieces b'day party last wkend, wine and beer flowing and looked at all the happy faces and thought, really? are you really all so content with your lives?

Even today knowing that I wasn't in a good place...I took my son to a birthday party....I didn't want to go I did what I do so well, have done all my life. Took a deep breath before leaving said "right sunset, **** and teeth, **** and teeth" went to the party conversed with people, smiled and was my charming self, all the while inside I'm dying, screaming at these people in my mind "I don't care that it's a sunny day, I don't give a shite what little johnny said that was soooooo cute, I don't want to bitch about what some mum said to you in the playground, I JUST DONT CARE" I know it's wrong I don't see myself as being any better than these people, a lot of them I actually do like, so why cant I feel happy and content? Why is it I feel my life is a series of events that I passively look in on? Why do I feel so hollow?

Today is the first time in my life where I've stood next to the beer fridge at 10 in the morning and thought "I want to get wasted, I cant cope, I just want to stop thinking I want to take a bottle of beer and chug until there's nothing left" Freeking scared myself.....I just wanted it and wanted it really badly.

Anyway It's 8:30 here and I'm still unable to shake it off. But not drinking and to be perfectly honest, really pissed about it. I know all this will pass, but it's been so long since I've felt the full force of my black dog, I'm a little upset and scared that I havn't been able to send it yelping off into the distance. I just needed to vent.........

misterritter

Sorry to hear you had such a bad day. I felt very much the same way spending this past christmas with family. Everyone seemed so happy and smiley and I just didn't care. I guess i did my version of '**** and teeth', more teeth though i think .

It has gotten better though. The more time I am sober the more i can actually feel like i am able to participate in good, fun times. There are still low times, but I can actually enjoy the good ones sometimes.

IOAA2

Hi Sunset. Try to hang on as these are bad moments which don't have to rule us unless we let them. I feel that if people in our society dealt with their feelings in a healthy way instead of "act as if" and then drug their emotions, how much better off we'd be. JMO BE WELL

sunset01

Thanks for your replies guys, I'm going to take my sorry ass off to bed sober, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

freshstart57

These are depressive ways of thinking I believe, sunset. By that I mean that, having been where you are, I think it might be helpful to share this with your doctor. When I did this, I got to talk to other professionals who made a world of difference in my life. There are people who help with this stuff and they are good at it.

One thing I know for sure is that if I had continued to drink or started drinking again, I would not have gotten well. Drinking again for me would send me straight down into that dark deep pit of depression, anxiety and despair. Stay sober, believe that things will get better, and see your Dr. The day will come when you wake up and know that things have changed for you and you will be better.

Best to you.

Anna

It's hard to learn how to think positively and I think many of us addicts tend to move to the negative side of life. But, recovery is a chance to learn how to shift your thinking into a positive way. A Gratitude Journal can be very helpful. Taking some time for yourself each day can also really help. Yes, you have to look after the kids but that doesn't mean you must not have your needs met, too.

I hope you feel better.

bblackbirdflyy

I find chit chat with strangers tiresome too. The best advice I can give is...
The problem is not the problem. Your attitude about the problem is the problem.
I hope tomorrow is a better day sunset!

Plenny

Thanks for posting and hanging in there. I felt like you did a couple days ago and I slipped up. I wish I had had your strength. I am cleaning up the mess my drunken self left the other night and starting over again.
Also, I had to laugh because I can't tell you how many times I've been at a party and someone is talking to me (even someone I like) and I just say in my head over and over, 'I don't care. Who cares? What are you even talking about?' Haha it's terrible. I never used to do that. But in a way it's nice to be so honest with myself. But really, who caaaaares???
Oh man. Good job hanging in. It's very inspiring

sunset01

Woke up with tears on my cheeks, and vivid dreams of times passed. I feel exhausted and emotionally like I've been through the wringer, but I also feel that I can shake what only yesterday I feared I couldn't.

I turn my laptop on and realise just how big the void I was staring into yesterday was. I cringe at the self pity and the hopelessness of it. But I do also recognise that while it is a part of me it is only a small part, there is in fact more to me and my life, many good things, many things that I am and have that I can be grateful for. I do sometimes wonder at the thought "I'm grateful" I don't think that always correllates directly with happyness and contentment. One does not neccessarily follow the other, not at least without further reflection.

I guess for me there are times that I just find it all completely overwhelming, I get tired of trying to be well...except nowdays intead of months of feeling that bad, I'm able to get a hold of it and recognise the thought processes and generally pull myself out. My driving force I guess is not to leave my children with the legacy my parents left me with. And for the most part it's been easier for me with the years of practice. Days like yesterday are few and far in between for me, I do sometimes dispair of feeling like I have to hide it though. I'm wondering whether the fact that being sober and not having that "out" led me to where I was at yesterday....I guess with the drinking I got lazy.

Freshstart, I have seen psychs, hypnotherapists, been on zoloft, none of it helped me. Then I was given a book by an aquaintance who didn't know what I was suffering, "the Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet", said it was a good read, I realised the power of thought, through that simple book. TBH it saved my life. I'm not for a minute suggesting that all psychs are hopeless etc...maybe I didn't find the right one, but I found a way through with alot of self examination and hard work. Over the years I have built a life for myself...I understand that this will always be with me, I was just taken by surprise yesterday, the worst I've been for a long time...and I really needed to vent.

Thankyou all for listening, I am so grateful to this site and all of you!!

13unluckyforsom

I just want to say good on you for getting through yesterday - I love your honesty and I hope today's better for you. You sound like a very strong women to me.

Bebetter

Sunset, you write so beautifully. Your narrative of your thoughts and emotions was so vivid to me, that I could easily recall having that same experience of nihilism in the past. It does sound like depression, but it also sounds like you have an amazing gift for understanding your darkness, which I think is so helpful in finding your way out of it. I am often saddened or frustrated by my inability to feel. I've gone through a great deal of sadness in my adult life and I think I've been my own anti-depressant - teaching myself stoicism, which takes away both the joy and the pain. It's not that I don't feel those things at all, but I'm good at shutting a lot of it down and putting it away. Alcohol was a good aid in that direction, too, and now I find myself moodier than I used to be, but it's not terrible (so far).

Anyway, I'm glad today was easier for you and I really admire your writing and the way you looked into how you were feeling.

Nuudawn

Hey Sunset..thanks for your post. I too have had those days. I remember probably a couple of weeks in, I just felt really overwhelmed with my crap life (through sober eyes) and for a bit there...really wanted to crawl back under my drunken rock of denial. I got through. I've had some crap days since. They've passed. I am left with this life that is the sum of a lot of drunken choices (or perhaps, more truthfully not really making any choices at all..just existing...drunk and daft to the world around me). I wasted a lot of good years.

Hollow sums it well. In ways I do feel hollow at times since I didn't stock with myself with too many authentic experiences. I had to be buzzed for most of my social and leisure hours. I stayed sober for work...ya, kept my brain the best for somebody else's dime. (that actually really p*sses me of to think about now).

And I do think a lot of people live discontented lives...sober or drunk. Right now I am working on simplicity. Repairing my mind and spirit so I can take pleasure in much simpler things. But it will take awhile to "drama down" my brain chemistry. It will take awhile to find peace..with myself.

freshstart57

I got a lot out of that book too. May I suggest another along the same lines? Tolle's The Power of Now has a trite title, but there is much grist for our meditative mill in there. You might like it too.

sunset01

Hey everyone,
"May I suggest another along the same lines? Tolle's The Power of Now"
@ Fresh You may and I thank you, have ordered it and when it comes I will put down Hitchens and give it a read.

"Repairing my mind and spirit so I can take pleasure in much simpler things."
@Nuudawn It's not easy comming to terms with what our lives have become. The above quote of yours is how I managed to rebuild my life all those yrs ago, expecting the negative and let it pass. I sometimes feel angry that I let myself become what I did while drinking, I forgot about the simple stuff and found that peace in the bottle, it was easy....*sigh*.

"I'm good at shutting a lot of it down and putting it away. Alcohol was a good aid in that direction, too, and now I find myself moodier than I used to be, but it's not terrible (so far)."
@ bebetter, thanks for your kind words, I think if you look out the window you may just see the top of my very large head from your place.. The above quote from you, I really identified with, My parents taught me to put things away, I felt like I was trying to live in two worlds, pretending to be something I wasn't, not feeling like I was good enough, seeing myself through other peoples eyes, it was too much so I just gave up, I was a robot, I didn't feel or want anything. I just couldn't....it wasn't healthy (not that I'm saying thats what you do, you just made me think). I pick up my thought give it a good look, recognise it for what it is and them smash it. Silly hey but it works for me

@13 thankyou

"I felt like you did a couple days ago and I slipped up. I wish I had had your strength. I am cleaning up the mess my drunken self left the other night and starting over again."
@plenny, I don't think you realise just how strong you are, you're picking yourself up and starting over that takes real courage. Whats easy is giving in completely, even given the very real negative consequences you are still willing to pick up and give it another go.......well done you!!!!

@anna, IOAA2 and blackbird , today is a better day and for that I'm grateful, thanks for the support, it's too easy to forget about taking care of me, sometimes I do need reminding....

@mister, It's nice to know that people can identify with what I'm feeling and I'm sure you've got lovely uhhhh teeth lol. thanks

sunset01

@ plenny there should be a full stop after consequences in that last sentence. I just re read it and realised what I'd said.....

Plenny

Oh hehe I actually just read this now! I see. Thank you so much. Your validation and reassurance is a mood booster