gemstaa

hi, i'm in a bad place. may i please ask for help?

i found my last post, how things evolve! i think i remember being upset at the time (of writing it) that i was binge-drinking to cover the gaps when i didn't have any opiates or benzos. at the time, while i wanted the terrible whirlwind destruction that is alcohol+me to stop, i still thought the drugs were pretty sweet and good and handled, and necessary to function in daily life.

evolution takes place. evolution? d-evolution?

the drugs are no longer handled nor wanted, but are more necessary to function in daily life. but where before i was functioning at a much higher level, now functioning equals Getting Through the Day. good news: not drinking. now i use meth to cover those gaps. cha ching! idiot. but to be fair it's not as destructive to my life as alcohol was. "but kids: your results may vary!"

i don't enjoy the meth any more than i used to enjoy that drinking i guess. except that it doesn't bring with it that black hole and all the mess that falls out of the black hole, so it's preferable i guess? can easily stop the meth though. and will. have. that is a decision i can and have just made right here and now. no more of this.

but the benzos and the opiates no. i have a mental illness that carries with it SO MUCH PARANOIA. just today's examples: if i can hear neighbours talking who i don't normally hear, i *hear* them talking about me. not specifics, but my name and nasty words and stuff, and, interestingly: it's usually bad things that i think of myself anyway, but maybe worded in a way that i had not thought to put it. a crafty, new and innovative way to hear those familiar self beratings, from other people. this is fairly standard, but so hard to live with. sometimes later i realise it was the tv. or no one was home. sometimes i know perfectly well that it's impossible for me to be hearing what someone else is saying because i've got my tv on, many other neighbours have their tvs on, and another might have a stereo blasting. but still i hear words and phrases dart out. other times, like today, it is perfectly possible that i am hearing a neighbour bitching about me, because maybe she's been noticing that i've been up since 7:am yesterday (so 33.5hrs at this point nothing drastic but it's all close quarters) and at the worst point of my *hearing* the bad things i'd spent the entire night and the whole of the next day up until then glued to my computer screen. sneaking out occasionally for cigarettes, so it's not like nobody wouldn't know if i was awake or not. so then, it is possible that she could be bitching about me for being a weirdo clearly on something and when i left about midday to fill a script i'm sure i heard her screech: 'just off for more grog!' to someone.

it's possible, but is it likely that she spent so much time dedicated to talking about me today? i *wish so hard* i could answer that question in the negative and feel sure about it!! she's always been really nice to me, and i'm pretty sure she knows i'm a non drinker.

end of that rant, it's going nowhere and it's not what i want to get off my chest.

i'm pretty freaked out in public unless i'm with friends, but i've been isolating a LOT (read: completely) from nearly all my friends to hide my state, and simply because i find it hard to see them unless it's meticulously planned for a day/night that i know exactly what i will have in terms of pharmaceuticals and the right goods to dose correctly for the catchup with a good friend who has no idea about what's going on inside of me.

i go to uni but have very few contact hours, scraping by, don't know how i will manage when hours come up soon though. and i do work but a very casual job with very sporadic shifts and the hours are very minimal, and i do the few hours first thing before using, so i am clean and but not yet sick.

i have no strong ties to my friends any more.

my family live far away. my big sister and I have always had an amazing, hell or high water, through thick or thin relationship. Over the last 4 years our relationship has became so different. she's impossible to get hold of and when i can catch her she has to go pretty quick. i know my sister loves me, we love each other to pieces, but i think she's had to walk away a bit, to protect herself. drugs, getting clean, relapse, vile relationships, anorexia, and my jumbled paranoid thoughts were all too much. it sucks SO MUCH, because not only is she my sister and the chick i love most in da world, but she also used to be able to do reality checks with me. i miss that so much, made me feel safe, there was no big deal, i'd call, say i need a reality check, she'd say yea i'd tell her what was going on and then we'd discuss the likelihood of that and what was actually probably going on. and that was that crisis averted.

poor pa. relationship there is too little too late. but we are both trying really hard. and my relationship with my mum is pretty overwhelming. i'm overwhelmed by her and she's overwhelmed by my irrational thoughts, paranoia and failure to thrive(???) obviously there is good stuff there too but i'm not feeling tops. She loves me FAR TOO MUCH AND IT SCARES ME SO BADLY.

my dog died last year.

and holy what-was-i-thinking-with-that-relationship batman?

thing is when i was clean and sober the paranoia was still here. not so bad no. i can't remember the level i guess. i needed the benzos legit, i was really effing strong back then but sometimes i needed the benzos when the paranoia was stronger. and then i needed them more. and then i started using codeine as a pick me up and then oxy then blahblahblah.

and for a long time i've been depressed. long tl;dr life story. and with the paranoia which makes everything, EVERYTHING, even as simple as watching tv at home, using the computer, feel so naked and wretched. NOTHING feels good. if it were possible for a person to just delete their 'real-life account', to never have been, i'd do it in a second. if i didn't have a mother who loves me far too much i would be gone.

i just don't want anything. it's not that i don't want to get clean it's that there is nothing else that i want, that i imagine could possibly offer me anything. no no that's wrong too, there are things i want, that i wish i could do/could happen, there's so many wonderful things in the world that would be brilliant. but how could i enjoy them with my own head directing so much hate at me? i can't even enjoy a shower lol! i think i want to want those things, i'm too low for a real want. nothing makes me feel good but hiding. and only that when i actually feel well-hidden and i'm not picking up any banter from all of the strangers all around me, who whilst i know aren't actually talking about me, are, in fact, talking about me.

the drugs used to make the hiding more bearable (less paranoid) but they don't anymore they just keep away the sickness. the benzos still help if i play them right. i'd stop if i could, but i get sick and the bad thoughts come in at 100% volume and capacity, they floor me. they CAPS FLOOR me. crippling.

my real question is here: geeeeez this is a long post, i am SO sorry!!!

and that was not the question.

what if, i put my faith in a higher power and you guys, and get though the first week's withdrawal, feel a bit better do a few of my tiny wee shifts the week after that... read, take it easy, get to the end of the month even, and i'm still ******* crazy, still sit in my house listening to neighbours or future-neighbour-lady's granddaughters, jump in my car to find myself being followed by a couple of non-destinct white late-model sedans. decide it was too cold for uni anyway, go back home, realise that absolutely NOTHING is better, and since I went to the doctor to be honest about everything i can't get a script forever.

woah better question: that if this is as good as it gets?

Dee74

Hi gemstaa

I had the same questions even tho my problems were different - what if I remove my crutch and I fall to the ground?

What if the only thing keeping the monsters out is my beer?

My addiction was pretty clever - I had no answers for either of those questions and it knew that - it used that fear and milked it for all it was worth, all the while keeping me drinking and getting worse.

In the end I knew I had to make changes - I had to make that leap of faith trhat sobriety would be ok because drinking was destroying me....I literally nearly died - I had to find another way.

I found I didn't have to do this alone - there's immense support here and elsewhere.
I also found my monsters were actually not as big as I feared they were.

I still had problems, but I found help for them - real help, not just numbing myself out.

My doctor and some counselling did wonders.

I've never regretted getting sober - I know you won't either gemstaa

D

13unluckyforsom

Hey - you really sound like you really want to stop this - but your scared and terrified and feeling all the feelings and its over whelming you - let me tell you that every one of us have at one point - maybe even 2/3/4/5 points just felt like erasing ourselves but you still carry that wee spark of hope within you or you wouldn't have posted here.

You know you have a problem but you've admitted it and that's the best and bravest and probably the hardest bit to do

Louise82

It's worth a try. It's certainly helped me get 53 days sober. Don't even think about the first week as one big block. Take it a day at a time -- even an hour or a minute at a time if you need to. If you're worried about the severity of your withdrawals, see your doctor.

hayley86

Hi Gemma. For me the fear of the unknown and the fear that my problems and that life in general would still be there when i stopped drinking was what kept me ill for so long. My mind and this disease was playing tricks on me. Every problem that i face sober is easier to deal with and work through compared to when i was trying to escape them by getting drunk.

I had to make a decision to get sober because i was at a point in my life where drinking was making everything i faced a million times worse. It was making me ill. I had to make that choice and trust the doctor and the people who were recovering from alcoholism when they told me that my life would be better and more manageable when i got sober. I can say now that this is definitely the case for me.

If any problems do remain after you stop using you can deal with them and face them as and when you start to feel stronger with support from your doctor and any other means. Try and just focus on the present day and don't think too far ahead. I found things very overwhelming if i thought too far into the future. Concentrate on getting well and staying clean today. If you are concerned about withdrawal i would seek medical advice. Wishing you well.

360shoes

Hi Gemma,
Thank you for sharing. That helped me a lot. I'm kind of going through the aftermath of quiting and have hit that spot of it doesn't feel all that better. 6 month mark for me.

Life is still a little hard and I'm dealing with all the things I used to run and hide from. The reality of addiction. Ugh.

I actually had a really bad week with all my demons materializing at once...or so it seemed. But the thing was, I road it just like a craving. And it lifted. I started feeling better. I took one thing at a time. It wasnt easy but I did it.

I can sort of understand how patience with myself is important. I didn't get messed up over night and I'm not going to fix everything overnight. That's okay.

It does get better Gemma. A little at a time for some of us.

It's still so much better than it used to be. I don't wake up hating myself. I may be sad once in awhile. I may be lost for a few days. It's passes. And with each pass I get stronger.

You are among friends who understand. Keep trying and moving forward. You deserve to feel better.