Spouse drinks while I'm in recovery
Every Mother's Worst Nightmare
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Deep in the heart of LaLa land
Posts: 688
In a funny way, it's the ultimate test of your own commitment on so many levels.
The reasons a partner will continue drinking are myriad. Sometimes they are completely benign in that they just don't get alcoholism. At the other end of the scale is the "your behavior has ruined my life and I'm going to do what I want to do now so feck you." In between are issues of control, thoughtlessness, selfishness, dependency....endless really.
The main thing is it's your sobriety. Their reaction and everything around that is essentially a product of your/their drinking or both and needs to be dealt with in time, for better or worse. And it can and will be done if you stay sober.
The reasons a partner will continue drinking are myriad. Sometimes they are completely benign in that they just don't get alcoholism. At the other end of the scale is the "your behavior has ruined my life and I'm going to do what I want to do now so feck you." In between are issues of control, thoughtlessness, selfishness, dependency....endless really.
The main thing is it's your sobriety. Their reaction and everything around that is essentially a product of your/their drinking or both and needs to be dealt with in time, for better or worse. And it can and will be done if you stay sober.
See, I do think my husband is an alcoholic, but who am I to point fingers? When I am drinking, we enable one another. I know he misses his drinking buddy, me. That is what we share, sadly. Not always lushes, but it is what we did. I do think I struggle more, am more progressed, but I do not think he could give it up entirely.
I do not get into it with him, because I really have no position to argue from until I am sober with some time under my belt.
I do not get into it with him, because I really have no position to argue from until I am sober with some time under my belt.
It's a bit of tough love - it's inconsiderate if you ask me to wave drink around in a newly sober persons face - yes - but it's life and its going to happen. Even if you never socialise or go to bars etc your going to have to go out at some point somewhere where there's going to be alcohol for sale.
I went to tesco today (supermarket) and low and behold as I walk up to the doors there is a sign '25%off 6or more bottles of wine'
So what.. I don't drink. Just the same as on offer they had twinkly washing up liquid but I don't use that type so didn't buy it.
I went to tesco today (supermarket) and low and behold as I walk up to the doors there is a sign '25%off 6or more bottles of wine'
So what.. I don't drink. Just the same as on offer they had twinkly washing up liquid but I don't use that type so didn't buy it.
My hubby is an alcoholic also, but does not want to stop. I am two months sober today. He gets drunk every night in front of me. That is his choice, my choice is not to drink. Every time I think about the fact that I want a drink, I play it through, I do not want a drink. I want to drink till I get drunk. A drink will do nothing for me. I need the buzz. I hate being drunk, but if I take a drink that is what will happen. Nope, not ideal for spouse to drink in front of you, but if you make up your mind to not take a drink each day, it works. I post on the 24 hour thread, make a pledge not to drink and move on. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Congratulations on day two, the first week is hard. It does get easier.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
When I quit, my dh blamed *me* for changing things. He did not sign up for that and was not going to stop drinking just because I did. I didn't expect him to.
18 months later, though, he was miserable and sick of seeing me so happy and free. He decided on his own to get sober, too.
I am so glad I focused on me and what *I* needed to do. My spouse was going to come along or not. I couldn't worry about that in the beginning.
18 months later, though, he was miserable and sick of seeing me so happy and free. He decided on his own to get sober, too.
I am so glad I focused on me and what *I* needed to do. My spouse was going to come along or not. I couldn't worry about that in the beginning.
Huntington I'm with you. If I'm not going to get slobber drunk, why bother. It is curious to see the personality changes in my husband as he drinks. I never noticed because I was too wasted.
Every Mother's Worst Nightmare
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Deep in the heart of LaLa land
Posts: 688
Great Thread
Thank you for posting it, Raider.
Some of this is a repeat of what I'd posted on the September Class thread, but most isn't... so I apologize to those who've already heard it.
My husband knows I want to be a non-drinker. He's seen me struggle on and off through the years with alcohol abuse. He's seen the worst of my binges, and he's seen me successful with moderating after a couple years of therapy helped settle some deep seated issues.
I've asked him time and time again to go on the wagon with me for support. He goes about three days or so and then picks right back up again. He doesn't ever ask if I want a drink, but he'll buy stuff he knows I like (because he likes it, too), and it's always around. A lot of it.
We have four grown children... only one is under 21. Another is an athlete one rarely drinks, one just got hired as a specialty cocktail "mixologist" at a high end bar/restaurant, and another aspires to become a Brew Master. The last two live nearby and visit frequently. More beer and drinks galore.
My husband and I grew up in a family of drinkers, too. 5pm was cocktail hour. Every family meal, vacation, event includes alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I could have become and remained sober back in 2006 or 7 if my husband had quit with me, but it didn't happen and it isn't going to. At least, it may not. I'm hoping that at the very least, he someday sees how wonderful life without drinking can be... through me.
The first couple of times I stopped for months at a time, we'd inevitably start arguing about it with me in tears. He just didn't get it and still doesn't. Like Rochele thinks of her husband, I suspect mine may have a drinking problem, and I do think he misses his drinking buddy when I'm not drinking with him. But who am I to judge? All I know is that I'm tired
I can only worry about myself right now. I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes it doesn't bother me to be around people drinking, sometimes I'm resentful, sometimes I get irritable, and sometimes I'm thanking God I'm not smelly or sloppy like everyone else!
On the bad days, I simply need to use the tools I know help me find my equilibrium. Journaling, guided meditation, taking a walk, going into another room to read or watch an old movie, plugging in my headphones (LOVE music), taking a shower, or coming here. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to post, so I just read.
Anyway... Everyone's relationships are different. I love my husband, I love my kids, life's not perfect, and booze will always be a part of it.
Sorry this ended up being so long, but it helped me to write it all out. Again, Raider, thanks for posting.
Some of this is a repeat of what I'd posted on the September Class thread, but most isn't... so I apologize to those who've already heard it.
My husband knows I want to be a non-drinker. He's seen me struggle on and off through the years with alcohol abuse. He's seen the worst of my binges, and he's seen me successful with moderating after a couple years of therapy helped settle some deep seated issues.
I've asked him time and time again to go on the wagon with me for support. He goes about three days or so and then picks right back up again. He doesn't ever ask if I want a drink, but he'll buy stuff he knows I like (because he likes it, too), and it's always around. A lot of it.
We have four grown children... only one is under 21. Another is an athlete one rarely drinks, one just got hired as a specialty cocktail "mixologist" at a high end bar/restaurant, and another aspires to become a Brew Master. The last two live nearby and visit frequently. More beer and drinks galore.
My husband and I grew up in a family of drinkers, too. 5pm was cocktail hour. Every family meal, vacation, event includes alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I could have become and remained sober back in 2006 or 7 if my husband had quit with me, but it didn't happen and it isn't going to. At least, it may not. I'm hoping that at the very least, he someday sees how wonderful life without drinking can be... through me.
The first couple of times I stopped for months at a time, we'd inevitably start arguing about it with me in tears. He just didn't get it and still doesn't. Like Rochele thinks of her husband, I suspect mine may have a drinking problem, and I do think he misses his drinking buddy when I'm not drinking with him. But who am I to judge? All I know is that I'm tired
I can only worry about myself right now. I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes it doesn't bother me to be around people drinking, sometimes I'm resentful, sometimes I get irritable, and sometimes I'm thanking God I'm not smelly or sloppy like everyone else!
On the bad days, I simply need to use the tools I know help me find my equilibrium. Journaling, guided meditation, taking a walk, going into another room to read or watch an old movie, plugging in my headphones (LOVE music), taking a shower, or coming here. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to post, so I just read.
Anyway... Everyone's relationships are different. I love my husband, I love my kids, life's not perfect, and booze will always be a part of it.
Sorry this ended up being so long, but it helped me to write it all out. Again, Raider, thanks for posting.
My husband just asked me yesterday why I wasn't drinking wine anymore. He looked a bit panicked. He's losing his drinking buddy. Then he got serene when he said "oh, you're just taking a break." Like it was temporary.
Me: "we'll its going to be a very long break." Even I can't say the word forever. I know...I'm weak.
He knows I've always come back. Not this time.
I've changed the rules of the relationship. Suddenly. It's going to have downstream effects on the relationship.
So, I'll give him some time to catch up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 66
My husband was less than supportive last weekend which was my 1st deliberately sober weekend ever. I also think he felt he didn't have his drinking buddy and me being sober was "bringing him down, man". But this weekend he's decided to support me. I'm grateful. I know it won't last forever but I'll take what I can get. I too can't say forever. But I am hoping to at least take a good long break!
Last weekend I had a variety of emotions. Sometimes it irritated me that he was drinking in front of me and sometimes I didn't care at all.
I was honest with him and told him that his drinking made it harder for me but that in the end we're each adults and responsible for our own selves. If you want to be sober, you have to decide no matter what your partner does, you will not drink.
I wish you well!
Last weekend I had a variety of emotions. Sometimes it irritated me that he was drinking in front of me and sometimes I didn't care at all.
I was honest with him and told him that his drinking made it harder for me but that in the end we're each adults and responsible for our own selves. If you want to be sober, you have to decide no matter what your partner does, you will not drink.
I wish you well!
That's a tough situation, I honestly don't have the answer. I've never been in a relationship where I was in recovery while the other was drinking.
This question is not about the OP's relationship in particular but more of a general question--can a marriage/relationship survive if one is in recovery, the other is an actively using alcoholic?? I feel like if the using one doesn't cross over to the recovery side eventually, the relationship would have to end. At least it would for me.
This question is not about the OP's relationship in particular but more of a general question--can a marriage/relationship survive if one is in recovery, the other is an actively using alcoholic?? I feel like if the using one doesn't cross over to the recovery side eventually, the relationship would have to end. At least it would for me.
Raider, I think saying "I don't know" is one of the most freeing statements ever. Strange how relinquishing can make us so powerful.
I have been a type A perfectionist all my life. When I got sober I threw in the towel. I truly don't know. And that's ok right now.
I have been a type A perfectionist all my life. When I got sober I threw in the towel. I truly don't know. And that's ok right now.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)