7yrs

Prior to getting clean, I was doing everything I could get my hands on to dull my pain and anger. My main poison was cocaine, but along with that came continuous excessive drinking and easy access to other drugs that I would happily sub in if I was unable to get my hands on cocaine. For the 6 months prior to my quit date, I began realizing I was spiraling. Every day I would go out and use and I would say, "It's my last night, guys. We gotta go big!"

As a result of my weaknesses and the financial impact associated with addiction, I had briefly moved back in with family. In the early morning hours of August 30th that year, I had been high and up for about 5 days. I started to feel...unwell. And very concerned. My heart was racing, I was sweating profusely and then shivering, my breathing was fast and panicked then shallow and faint...etc. I rose from my bed and thought perhaps a shower would help me out.*

I started a cold shower...then was freezing so I cranked the heat. Then I was too hot, and back to cold the temperature went. My legs gave out and I was eventually immobilized on the shower floor, dry heaving. Still, all I could think was, "Just one more..."*

All of the sudden I saw something. I envisioned my parents waking up in the morning and wondering why the shower had been running so long. I imagined them coming and knocking on the door...calling my name, their voices slowly rising and the growing concern evident. They broke the door down...only to find their only daughter naked and dead on the shower floor.*

I snapped to. I started forcing myself to vomit...willing myself to stay awake. I vowed that if I didn't die in the basement bathroom that night, that I would never touch that garbage ever again.*

Almost 7 years later, and I have made good on my promise.*

Present day, I've been seeing someone...I stated before we were ever even an item that I am a recovering addict and that I have no place for that lifestyle anywhere in my world. As time went by, I started seeing signs but stupidly ignored them...dismissing my suspicions as paranoia. A few months went by like this and eventually enough evidence had mounted that I decided to confront him. After awhile he admitted through tear-blurred eyes, "I have a coke problem."*

The empathetic person in me found it hard to throw my hands up and walk away. I thought of how badly I behaved and how I mistreated those I loved the most when I was at my worst. I thought about how my life would be different if all of those people had simply given up on me.*

I didn't leave him. We attended counseling and he began setting up a support net. I did tell him that if this continued to be an issue, I would not be able to continue our relationship.*

I found out last week that he has used a few times since and has lied to me about it yet again. I was furious. I managed to compose myself enough to be compassionate but I did end our relationship that night. I know first-hand that an empty threat is as worthless to the addict as their word is to others. I explained that I do care but that I can't be with someone I can't trust. I also told him that I worked so hard to get all traces of drugs out of my life and that it's too risky for my own recovery, even this many years later, to be involved with someone who is actively spending time with my devil.*

We are still talking some. He has asked me to assist him in telling his family...we meet with his father tonight.*

I need to be very clear; though I know any drug use is bad news, I can tell you that he is nowhere near as far down the rabbit hole as I was. I myself am a confident individual who has no problem being single so it's not about that either. However, I am struggling. At what point do I completely cut this man out? Is there any reason to even hope things could one day be rebuilt? I am not an overly trusting individual at the best of times...but those I had hurt prior to my own recovery had no reason to trust me either and they took a leap of faith...and look at the strides I have made...*

There aren't many people in my life that understand what addiction is like from the addict's perspective. As a brand new user to this website, I'm hoping for some insight from those who are well aware of how addiction turns so many worlds upside down. And from other recovering addicts *who know that sometimes compassion can be instrumental in helping keep your head in the game.*

Thank you *so much for taking the time to read my story.*

Nuudawn

Wow..thanks for sharing. I am gobsmacked that despite 7 years of recovery one can still run smack dab back into themselves. 7 years later and we can still resonate with another addict. That's extreme food for thought. Welcome.

drunkyjules

I guess only time will tell and only you can decide. I think you will know the right decision when the time is right. You seem very strong in your recovery and have much to be proud of. Just stay strong and don't ignore those warning signs. I think we know the answers to questions before we want to admit them. I hope things work out for the best for you!