Thoroughly Disgusted with Myself. . . Finally
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
Thoroughly Disgusted with Myself. . . Finally
Hello all! I've been lurking here and cannot stress enough what a difference SR has made. Reading everyone's stories and listening to advice. I'm on day 6, but I almost lost it last night. One of the lines I read here "fast forward this movie" - sorry I can't remember who said it - made the difference. Actually made me laugh. 
My story:
Skipping the first half of my drunk life and fast forward to 2004 where I started a wonderful period of sobriety. Then somewhere around 2009, my hubbie and I ventured into the moderation territory. It works for him, but you all know the drill. For me, it turned into once/week date night drinking, punctuated by a few binges. Then, of course, there are birthdays and holidays, special occasions, a good day at work, a bad day at work, someone complimented me, someone was mean to me. . . In July of 2012, my husband went out of town for a week and I was back to drinking every day, hiding bottles, the whole bit.
I promised myself dozens of times (during dozens of hangovers) that I'd quit. Then I promised God. Then I promised my husband when he figured out what was going on a few months ago. Then, one morning earlier this month, I walked downstairs and promised my daughter who is a teenager and is the most spiritually grounded person in the house. I *knew* that once I told her I would quit because I would never lie to her. . .
A week later, I went to book club. Started out with water and was doing well until I chanced that "just one drink". I fessed up to it when I got home - to both h and d. D was disappointed, but I said, "I promised I wouldn't lie to you." Boy, I felt like I deserved a big gold star for telling the truth. Problem was, I didn't have just one drink. After the "real" drink, I had a glass of wine. When book club was over I walked home, and I know full well - had there been a liquor store on the way or had there been anything in the house - I would have gone on a bender. So I was only saved for lack of opportunity.
The following week, I don't know why, I went to the liquor store and bought JD. Perhaps I thought that my "successful" book club night meant that I could moderate. I actually said to myself, "I'll drink half tonight and half tomorrow." And you can all guess where that landed me. Giving an excuse to my h that I needed to go to bed early in the other room, I carried on and drank it all.
The next morning, I acted like I had the flu and everyone felt bad for me. My daughter said, "I'm sorry you're sick, Mom." Ouch. It was on the tip of my tongue. I almost said it. The words: Don't be sorry; it's my own damn fault, but I let her feel bad for me. Ugh! I realized what a lying sack of **** I had become, and I was overwhelmed by my complete lack of integrity. Just disgusted with myself. It's not about the hangovers or the wasted days of my life, it's about what I have become.
My story:
Skipping the first half of my drunk life and fast forward to 2004 where I started a wonderful period of sobriety. Then somewhere around 2009, my hubbie and I ventured into the moderation territory. It works for him, but you all know the drill. For me, it turned into once/week date night drinking, punctuated by a few binges. Then, of course, there are birthdays and holidays, special occasions, a good day at work, a bad day at work, someone complimented me, someone was mean to me. . . In July of 2012, my husband went out of town for a week and I was back to drinking every day, hiding bottles, the whole bit.
I promised myself dozens of times (during dozens of hangovers) that I'd quit. Then I promised God. Then I promised my husband when he figured out what was going on a few months ago. Then, one morning earlier this month, I walked downstairs and promised my daughter who is a teenager and is the most spiritually grounded person in the house. I *knew* that once I told her I would quit because I would never lie to her. . .
A week later, I went to book club. Started out with water and was doing well until I chanced that "just one drink". I fessed up to it when I got home - to both h and d. D was disappointed, but I said, "I promised I wouldn't lie to you." Boy, I felt like I deserved a big gold star for telling the truth. Problem was, I didn't have just one drink. After the "real" drink, I had a glass of wine. When book club was over I walked home, and I know full well - had there been a liquor store on the way or had there been anything in the house - I would have gone on a bender. So I was only saved for lack of opportunity.
The following week, I don't know why, I went to the liquor store and bought JD. Perhaps I thought that my "successful" book club night meant that I could moderate. I actually said to myself, "I'll drink half tonight and half tomorrow." And you can all guess where that landed me. Giving an excuse to my h that I needed to go to bed early in the other room, I carried on and drank it all.
The next morning, I acted like I had the flu and everyone felt bad for me. My daughter said, "I'm sorry you're sick, Mom." Ouch. It was on the tip of my tongue. I almost said it. The words: Don't be sorry; it's my own damn fault, but I let her feel bad for me. Ugh! I realized what a lying sack of **** I had become, and I was overwhelmed by my complete lack of integrity. Just disgusted with myself. It's not about the hangovers or the wasted days of my life, it's about what I have become.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome Alef! It's great to have you here with us.
Ahh yes - it all sounds very familiar. In the end, it's just so much easier to stop all together. It's the only way we can be safe. Willpower never worked for me - and my 'just one's' always turned into the whole bottle. We know better now. Glad you joined us.
Ahh yes - it all sounds very familiar. In the end, it's just so much easier to stop all together. It's the only way we can be safe. Willpower never worked for me - and my 'just one's' always turned into the whole bottle. We know better now. Glad you joined us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Thoroughly Disgusted with Myself. . . Finally
Thoroughly Disgusted with Myself. . . Finally
that was a great place for this drunk to find himself
sick and so very tired of myself
much good can come from that
"complete deflation" was the first Step of the original 6 Steps
of my EGO I might throw in
Mountainman
that was a great place for this drunk to find himself
sick and so very tired of myself
much good can come from that
"complete deflation" was the first Step of the original 6 Steps
of my EGO I might throw in
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Hi and welcome!
Tried the 'moderation' for almost 2 decades.
No fun, but not as bad as the really bad old days.
I was a v e r y slow learner.
Now hopefully doing well with AA & S.R.
ALL GOOD WISHES!
Tried the 'moderation' for almost 2 decades.
No fun, but not as bad as the really bad old days.
I was a v e r y slow learner.
Now hopefully doing well with AA & S.R.
ALL GOOD WISHES!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Even though we want to drink in moderation, we just don't enjoy drinking when we have to control it. When we drink the way we enjoy it, there are all those times that we just couldn't control it.
It is incredibly liberating to not drink at all.
No more worries about driving, lying, health, cost, memories you lost, hangovers, time wasted, cover ups, wondering how much of a fool you made of yourself etc.
It is incredibly liberating to not drink at all.
No more worries about driving, lying, health, cost, memories you lost, hangovers, time wasted, cover ups, wondering how much of a fool you made of yourself etc.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Yes, I agree with you and I became a person that I loathed. Lying was a permanent state of mind for me by the end of my drinking days and being undependable. It's ironic because normally I never lie about anything and I'm the most dependable person I know. If I say I'll do something, I WILL do it. Fortunately, I have my honesty and dependability back and you can too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
Thank you for all the wonderful replies and support. It is so refreshing to know that all over the globe there are people just like me - admitting the truth about alcoholism, wanting to be a better person, and yearning for a better life. Tears of joy!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: US
Posts: 637
I also had to learn the hard way, Alef. "Playing it thru to the end" and "Win the day" were the tactics that help me beat the "just one drink" trap during the first weeks. Now, at 7 months, I see alcohol for what it really is...a very addictive drug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA Virginia
Posts: 294
I have been there as well. I have drank from the liquor cabinet then bought more to fill up the bottle to where it was before my husband could tell it was gone. I have hidden bottles in my makeup drawer and under the towels. I have mixed vodka with mtn dew right in the bottle. Forget the nice glass with a twist. How about wine out of a coffee cup or beer in a coke can. I threw up in a kroger bathroom trash can once. How absolutely disgusting. Coming here and remembering what awful things I did helps me keep going. I actually don't want to forget. Only forgive. Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 12
I so understand, keep getting worse. Even if I stopped for a while, would rapidly become even worse once started, I'm on day 2 and will go to an AA meeting tomorrow even though it scares the hell out of me. I have come to the attention of the police 3 times in the last 6 months as a result of my drinking. Not arrested or charged with anything. But if I continue that is the next step. I'm a 46 yr professional woman for chrissakes. Good luck to all x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by peaches58 
I have drank from the liquor cabinet then bought more to fill up the bottle to where it was before my husband could tell it was gone.
And the "plus" was that I had a whole new bottle to suck down. Oh, so pathetic and embarrassing in retrospect!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
AA is full of people just like us. Be sure to introduce yourself to someone so they KNOW you are new. Most people freak because it looks like a "club" but never forget, we are all there for the same reason.
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