DisplacedGRITS

so my cousin calls me tonight. you see, my cousin J is, well, different. he's got zero social skills and being around him is enough to set just about anyone's teeth grinding. none of my other cousins talk to him. he creeps out all the girls and the boys just don't really like him. they're not mean so much as they just ignore him. then there's me. i'm nice. i'm forgiving. i'm tolerant and well, i just have a high tolerance for Cousin J. so he calls me from time to time because i'm one of the few people in his life he can talk to.

well, he's called me drunk and i've told him that i'm an alcoholic and i'd rather not talk to him drunk. so he calls me tonight, "tipsy." his grandmother on his father's side passed earlier this week and he's on leave from work (civilian work in Afghanistan) to attend her funeral. so this is the beginning of an uncomfortable call.

"hello! you're up late, coz."

"i'm waiting on the washing machine so i can turn the laundry over, J. i got work in the morning."

"well, if my words are a little slurred it's because i made myself a couple of strong Long Island Iced Teas."

"you know i don't drink anymore, right?"

"yeah, it's because of some medicine, right?"

*facepalm* "no, J. i'm an alcoholic. i can't deal with alcohol so i cut it out." (i swear i have told him this before and to not call me drunk.)

"oh...well...i may be getting there! i drink more now than i did in my 20s" (the tone of his voice killed me. like i'm in a cool club he wants to be in)

"J, i sincerely hope you're not an alcoholic. it's a very hard life to live. keep an eye on yourself and be aware if it becomes a problem. you want to address it sooner rather than later."

"well, coz, i gotta ask you. when are you and Kevin going to have a baby?"

(seriously...i can't believe he's asking me this. i'm 32. i have put off having a baby for 3 years now because of my alcoholism and inability to keep a job)

"look, J, Kev and i still own our house in Alabama. we've been trying to short sale it for over a year and a half now. now we're getting foreclosure stuff. we're not going to mess with baby stuff until that's over and we know where we stand."

"oh...okay. well, you two should have a baby."

i swear, i wanted to hang up with him but i just can't. i feel bad. i know i'm the only cousin that talks to him but this is really trying me. i don't know if he's an alcoholic. all i know is he don't drink like i drank and he sounded a lot like alcoholism was kinda a joke. like "wooo! look at me! i drank twice this week. must be an alcoholic!" i dunno. my husband tells me to hang up on him but i just can't. i don't want my cousin to be totally cut off from the family. he's a nice guy in all but he's just not very bright and like i said, his social skills are deplorable.

i guess i just needed to rant a little. the baby thing got to me more than it should have. i'm just frustrated. today's been hard. i started a new medication and it's going to be a little while before i get used to it. it's just an off day and this was the cherry on top. blarg. at least i got my sobriety and a fantastic husband who drove me nuts this afternoon. *sigh* this too shall pass.

longbeachone

It sounds like the guy, in his own way, was trying to be nice. Maybe he thinks that you would be great parents. Maybe he was trying to come up with some conversation that he thought you would respond favorably to.

Good for you for talking to this lonely guy. I try to treat people how I would like to be treated, with respect and kindness, and it sounds like you do as well. There's plenty of nastiness and rudeness in the world already, why add to it.

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks, longbeachone. I do think he was trying to be nice in his own way. I suppose i am just a bit tired and crabby. I do want to be a mom so very badly. It's a terrible sore spot with me. Sometimes, it's all i can think about. But it's gotta happen in it's own time. It's just hard to remember all that time i squandered. Brings me down.

Happier

Yep. That's people. Some are such blessings and others are.....well, opportunies that help us grow our patience and self control. So nice of you to try. Not many do.

Remember to take care of yourself though. We all need our breaks from difficult challenges and difficult people. Wishing you and your cousin peace and comfort.

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry it was difficult for you. Maybe he was trying to be nice or was unsure what to say. Maybe he hit a sore point with you. I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn but there is often never a right time for children. Of course there are practicalities but I waited till I thought was the right time and it's now too late. I thought I could just decide to have a child and that it would happenand I'd have chldren. It took me nearly 2 years to conceive my son. I would love another child but it's not happening-age isn't on my side now. We (women)don't have forever My biggest regret in life is not starting a family sooner.

SereneEdition

Hi DG -

Sounds like he lacks awareness, which is needed forsocial skills - and that it is likely limiting benefits in life.

Since you are in contact, maybe you can bring up the topic with specific feedback. Framed correctly and delivered in a safe environment - explicit call outs might be a good training wheel gift for him. Benefit for you is that you can continue to talk with him, but also have some mutually agreed guidelines.

EndGameNYC

Hi DG.

What I got from this is that your cousin calls you because he can't call anyone else without feeling worse about himself. He's being "nice" and attempting to be "helpful" because he wants you -- anyone -- to be nice and helpful to him, and I doubt this happens with any consistency.

He didn't forget that you're an alcoholic, nor did he forget that you don't want him calling you when he's been drinking. He's showing you how he is at his worst because you're one of the few people he trusts not to hurt him for being what he is. He trusts you so much that he believes you won't destroy him, even when he breaks your rules of engagement.

If he truly does need help -- and if you truly want to help him -- he needs to accept boundaries as to how and when this will take place. Until then, he'll continue calling at his leisure with the payoff being a friendly voice who won't make him feel like schit.

You have a great deal more power in how this relationship proceeds than you seem to know. The reality is that at some point he'll need to rely on other people, including perhaps professional help, in the event that he wants to make progress and reclaim his self esteem. The long distance between you and, I'm assuming, the few times you get together in the flesh, minimizes his struggles by diluting the urgency of the help he knows (on some level) that he needs.

Bruce292

There always seems to be someone in my life who knows how to push my buttons. I think most of us run into people like that be it a family member, a co-worker, a friend, etc. I used to get angry and I used it as an excuse to drink. I've realized that I can't control people and some people are just going to rub me the wrong way. I'm also *trying* not to talk to people in a way where I'm bothersome. While I was drinking I think I did my share of that. The only power I really have is that of forgiveness.

It sounds like your cousin really wants you attention. Bringing up having a baby may be the only way he knows of to get you totally focused on him. I don't know for sure and if I'm way off base I apologize.

Hang in there. Deep breaths