Not really a newcomer but new to this site & it's been a long time since I've shared
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
Not really a newcomer but new to this site & it's been a long time since I've shared
WARNING: Super Long Post. I type super fast and it's a long story lol.
Hello everyone. I'm not really a newcomer but I am new to this site. I just wanted to share my story with you all. I've missed talking to other people like me for such a long time now. So here goes:
About the time I hit puberty I became extremely shy, this was also around the time I lost my grandfather and death really bothered me. Even though I used to fight a lot before high school I just stopped about this time. For one I became super shy when I used to not be and started having bad social anxiety. I didn't really hang with my old friends anymore and eventually my mom remarried and we moved to a very small town. I was picked on even worse here, couldn't even force myself to talk to girls and all that good stuff. Eventually I dropped out got my G.E.D. and started working. By the time I was in my early twenties I had moved a few times, ended up moving back home into a spare old home and started drinking. I found when I was drinking I wasn't so shy anymore and I could hang out with people and talk to girls. I started smoking pot with my new friends and the mixture was even better. One day someone came over with some coke and I thought since pot wasn't near as bad as everyone acted like then Coke must not be either. Well I loved it, not only could I feel almost normal but I went from being alone all the time to getting girls left and right. Most of them were at parties and we were all wasted and life was good.
Fast forward about 5 to 6 years and I'm doing more and more drugs. Smoking crack, drinking at least 2 of those big cheap bottles of vodka a day. So now I'm back to being by myself. Most of my friends weren't really true friends. I didn't have a girlfriend because eventually that part wore off. Now not only was I back to being shy with anxiety but now I was also paranoid from all the crack and other drugs. I got into trouble and was put on probation and moved when I went to rehab. I was in a 90 day program with a week detox and did great. I learned so much and doing drugs or drinking was never the same after that. I went to AA had a sponsor and was working on the steps, working at a job, doing so good. A friend of mine that I went to rehab with had the same sponsor as me and he was a really good guy. He never complained about anything at rehab and pretty much everyone liked him. This was around the time of Desert Storm or maybe Desert Shield, the war in Iraq sometime in the 90's and he started drinking again. I went over and sat with him, helped to get him sober and stayed with him for weeks at a time, went to meetings with him, etc. Finally after helping him to stay sober for a week I went home because I needed to do a lot of stuff and when I came back he'd bought a bottle of vodka and was drinking.
I never found out why he started drinking although I know why now. He mentioned something about the military. I don't know if he was really in it or not, he didn't seem to old and I can't think of any wars he could have been in but I don't know. He was in his 30's or early 40's I'd guess. He mentioned being in the military and obeying orders that he wished he'd never obeyed. He never would explain more and I have never and I mean NEVER seen anyone drink like this. I'd go over and check on him, go get him some food and try to talk sense into him. He'd have to take anywhere from 6 - 10 shots before he could even hold the alcohol down, he'd take a shot and puke, take a shot and puke. I would clean up his mess try to reason with him then finally give up and go home. The last time I saw him he was very drunk and wouldn't even come to the door. He kept saying he couldn't move. I didn't understand at the time and thought he was just being drunk like always so I finally gave up. Three months went by and nobody had heard from him so I went over to check on him and I wish I hadn't. The second I opened the door this foul smell hit me and I knew what I would find. I think I knew that morning when I woke up because I couldn't think of anything except him and after calling around and realizing nobody had heard from him I'd known what I would find. He was dead on his couch and unfortunately his ac had been turned off. It was now around July or so and extremely hot and his corpse was not pretty to say the least. I went downstairs and knocked on a strangers door and had them call 911. I remember when the EMT's got there that they came right back out and were leaning over the railing and I could hear them retching and when I went home I started dry heaving the whole way there. I realized later that he had been trying to kill himself this whole time. He drank himself to death and it's not a nice death like everyone thinks it is. I didn't understand about alcohol poisoning or how it will paralyze your body so that you can't move while you lay there and your organs shut down one by one. I think that was what was happening to him and why he couldn't move or get up and come to the door. I should have gone in and called for help. I wish I had known and for a long time I hated myself for not being a better friend.
That image was literally burned into my eyeballs and I couldn't get that smell out of my nose. I should have went and talked to someone but I didn't and I started having severe insomnia. Finally after being awake for 5 days straight I went and got something to drink and got drunk. I start drinking and doing drugs again to sleep and to forget as if that was even possible. Death still bothered me, I'd never completely gotten over it. In fact I'd feared death for so long that I hadn't been able to live. Eventually one day I woke up in a psyche ward on all kinds of crazy medications. They said I was talking to myself and hearing voices. I don't remember any of it, the insomnia and drugs really screwed me up. I really don't remember much about that period of time, so after a week I got out and a few months later quit taking all the medications, I had never heard any voices or anything when I was sober so I think it was just the drugs and my mental state plus insomnia. I ended up failing a **** test and moving back home and my probation officer and I decided that I wanted to go to Safe P which is kinda a prison rehab.
I wasn't doing my community service so my po told me to come do it at the courthouse where he worked. I would mostly be by myself and I'd have him and officers around me so I wouldn't feel like using so that's what I did and it helped so much. I just cleaned and shredded papers and stuff and didn't do drugs that whole time. Eventually after months my po called me into the office and said he was taking me off the waiting list for Safe P and said he didn't think I needed it anymore. I was gaining weight and looked good plus he said my eyes didn't look dead anymore. Eventually I finished my probation, I'm very thankful to my po. Everyone else hated him but he helped me so much. I wouldn't have made it through community service anywhere else.
To this day I haven't done any more "illegal drugs". I wish the story was over and that I was healthy and happy but unfortunately it didn't end there for me. I no longer went to AA/NA. I couldn't go without seeing my friend and everytime I did I ended up puking and wanting to do drugs or get drunk very badly so I just haven't been able to go back even though I miss it. What was once a major coping resource has become one of my worst triggers. Anyway life wasn't great but not too bad either when I hurt myself. I hurt my back lifting something way too heavy and was having a lot of pain and the doctors gave me some painkillers. yeah I know stupid of me right? I just though since I knew how to handle addiction I'd be fine, he made it sound like I had nothing to worry about even though I told him I was an addict. Well if you have any problems we can get you off them easily. Ok, so I became addicted without even knowing. I was hurting really bad one weekend. My whole body actually was hurting bad and I ran out of pills two days early. No problem I thought, I'll just take motrin until Monday. The next day I was so sick. I had the flu, my nose was running, my head hurt, my hands felt weird and I was just sick as a dog. Motrin didn't help at all and I just couldn't deal with the pain plus the flu so I went and bought a few pills form a guy I used to know.
That was literally one of the worst moments of my life because five minutes after I took a pill that flu went away. It wasn't the flu, I was physically addicted. So the normal thing to do is to taper off, to talk to my doctor but I'm not normal and my addicted brain said, you just need to make sure you do enough to never feel sick like that again. So I started taking more and more. Eventually I was taking a crap load of pills a day. Finally I kept running out and having to buy them on the street and I was sick of it so I told my Doctor. The same doctor who said it wouldn't be a problem and could help me get off of them with no problem. Well he did, he cut me off. Guess that was the help he meant. He mentioned rehab or methadone but of course he doesn't prescribe methadone and the rehab I talked to wanted nearly 9k and only gives you Tylenol pm. yeah, that's so going to help. So I freaked and went to a methadone clinic. Second worst mistake of my life. I ended up being on a super high dosage of methadone. But I started having averse reactions to it after nearly ten years. I got to where just the smell of it made me vomit. I couldn't go up and dose and every month when I had to I was sick for days. Just the thought of going made me sick. I'm sure a lot of it was mental but tell that to my body. So during all this time I'd had a lot of methadone saved up from all those days I just couldn't take it and decided enough was enough and I quit going. I began to taper myself but started running out. The process took longer and was harder than I thought. After being at nearly 200mg a day I was down to 20 and running out fast.
One day in the pharmacy I saw a card for opiate addiction and called it, it hooked me up with a local Doctor who I contacted. He told me about Buprenorphine/Suboxone and told me if I wanted to make and appointment I could. I didn't at that time I was still trying to ween myself but a month or so later I was nearly out and called him. I was panicked by this time. So he told me to get down to 10 mg. on my last few days then I had to go three days with nothing before coming in and dosing because if you don't give it a few days inbetween the suboxone will put you into immediate withdrawl. That was one of the worst weekends of my life but I managed and after taking that first dose of Suboxone my life changed. I felt ..... normal for the first time in a very long time. I started out on 16mg and I'm currently down to 8 mg. a day and still working on coming off of it. It doesn't have the side effects of methadone. It doesn't get you high like methadone, painkillers or heroin. But now I was normal or close to normal but I was having health issues.
While weening myself off of methadone my weight went from 165 down to 95 in just six months. I had no energy and felt horrible. I actually thought I had some type of cancer and before finding my suboxone doctor I'd gone to a lot of doctors and they couldn't find what was wrong with me. Some of them wanted me to go talk to a psychiatrist others said it was fibromyalgia which was what they said was causing my pain. My first meeting with my Suboxone Doctor I'd told him all of this and he asked if I'd ever had my Testosterone levels checked. He said he's seen it so many times with people who abuse opiates and it just ruins the bodies ability to create testosterone. So I went and had more bloodwork done and guess what? My testosterone levels were nonexistent. I started getting injections and got back up to 120-130 lbs which is where I'm at now. I have a hard time gaining weight and seem to be about the only one in the world to lose weight with low T levels instead of gaining it. Except for arthritis my body doesn't hurt much anymore. I have energy and feel good.
For the first time in my life I feel almost normal. I'm still shy but I'm working on it. I force myself to talk to people, to get out and look people in the eyes. It's not easy but the more I do it and the more I pretend to have confidence the more I actually have. I know that there are some who may think that that being on Suboxone is still using but I disagree. It's saved my life, I don't get high off of it because it's only a partial agonist. Basically when you do opiates they fill these pleasure receptors in your head. Think of them like keyholes and opiates fill those keyholes and turn them to the right (or on) like a key would - getting you high. Suboxone just fills them, they dont' turn them but they don't allow anything else to get into those key holes either so even if you do drugs like vicodin, oxycontin or heroin you will not get high.
I've been on sub for a while now and i'm taking it slowly. I don't feel bad about needing the help just like someone with diabetes shouldn't feel bad for taking insulin. I just happen to need it. It may be different for others. I do miss the AA meetings though and tried one a few months ago, I ended up puking my guts out and having bad dreams for days. I still have insomnia and have to take Benadryl each night but I'm lucky, a lot of people need even stronger sleep meds, especially after abusing opiates. My health is not perfect and I'm paying for all of the abuse but mentally I'm in the best spot I've been in for years. I've been clean from illegal drugs for 10-15 years, I've been off of methadone for a couple of years now and one day I'll be off of suboxone. That thought scares me. I'm a manic depressive so I'm either very down or very up and still have a lot of anxiety but not as many panic attacks anymore. Most of the time I'm down but that's okay, I have dealt with it for years and know that it isn't who I really am. I am just taking it one day at a time and I hope this horribly long story will save some of you from making the same mistakes I have in my past. I still have a ways to go but I'm happier now than I ever have been. I've learned a lot of good lessons, I am no longer so bothered by death that I refuse to live and I have plans and dreams that I know I will accomplish now. My teeth are very bad, having to get dentures from the drug abuse and neglect but that can be fixed. I'm just thankful I'm still around to fix them and to enjoy each and every day. So that's my story. Sorry it was so long but I don't know how else to tell it.
Take care everyone and thank you for listening.
Hello everyone. I'm not really a newcomer but I am new to this site. I just wanted to share my story with you all. I've missed talking to other people like me for such a long time now. So here goes:
About the time I hit puberty I became extremely shy, this was also around the time I lost my grandfather and death really bothered me. Even though I used to fight a lot before high school I just stopped about this time. For one I became super shy when I used to not be and started having bad social anxiety. I didn't really hang with my old friends anymore and eventually my mom remarried and we moved to a very small town. I was picked on even worse here, couldn't even force myself to talk to girls and all that good stuff. Eventually I dropped out got my G.E.D. and started working. By the time I was in my early twenties I had moved a few times, ended up moving back home into a spare old home and started drinking. I found when I was drinking I wasn't so shy anymore and I could hang out with people and talk to girls. I started smoking pot with my new friends and the mixture was even better. One day someone came over with some coke and I thought since pot wasn't near as bad as everyone acted like then Coke must not be either. Well I loved it, not only could I feel almost normal but I went from being alone all the time to getting girls left and right. Most of them were at parties and we were all wasted and life was good.
Fast forward about 5 to 6 years and I'm doing more and more drugs. Smoking crack, drinking at least 2 of those big cheap bottles of vodka a day. So now I'm back to being by myself. Most of my friends weren't really true friends. I didn't have a girlfriend because eventually that part wore off. Now not only was I back to being shy with anxiety but now I was also paranoid from all the crack and other drugs. I got into trouble and was put on probation and moved when I went to rehab. I was in a 90 day program with a week detox and did great. I learned so much and doing drugs or drinking was never the same after that. I went to AA had a sponsor and was working on the steps, working at a job, doing so good. A friend of mine that I went to rehab with had the same sponsor as me and he was a really good guy. He never complained about anything at rehab and pretty much everyone liked him. This was around the time of Desert Storm or maybe Desert Shield, the war in Iraq sometime in the 90's and he started drinking again. I went over and sat with him, helped to get him sober and stayed with him for weeks at a time, went to meetings with him, etc. Finally after helping him to stay sober for a week I went home because I needed to do a lot of stuff and when I came back he'd bought a bottle of vodka and was drinking.
I never found out why he started drinking although I know why now. He mentioned something about the military. I don't know if he was really in it or not, he didn't seem to old and I can't think of any wars he could have been in but I don't know. He was in his 30's or early 40's I'd guess. He mentioned being in the military and obeying orders that he wished he'd never obeyed. He never would explain more and I have never and I mean NEVER seen anyone drink like this. I'd go over and check on him, go get him some food and try to talk sense into him. He'd have to take anywhere from 6 - 10 shots before he could even hold the alcohol down, he'd take a shot and puke, take a shot and puke. I would clean up his mess try to reason with him then finally give up and go home. The last time I saw him he was very drunk and wouldn't even come to the door. He kept saying he couldn't move. I didn't understand at the time and thought he was just being drunk like always so I finally gave up. Three months went by and nobody had heard from him so I went over to check on him and I wish I hadn't. The second I opened the door this foul smell hit me and I knew what I would find. I think I knew that morning when I woke up because I couldn't think of anything except him and after calling around and realizing nobody had heard from him I'd known what I would find. He was dead on his couch and unfortunately his ac had been turned off. It was now around July or so and extremely hot and his corpse was not pretty to say the least. I went downstairs and knocked on a strangers door and had them call 911. I remember when the EMT's got there that they came right back out and were leaning over the railing and I could hear them retching and when I went home I started dry heaving the whole way there. I realized later that he had been trying to kill himself this whole time. He drank himself to death and it's not a nice death like everyone thinks it is. I didn't understand about alcohol poisoning or how it will paralyze your body so that you can't move while you lay there and your organs shut down one by one. I think that was what was happening to him and why he couldn't move or get up and come to the door. I should have gone in and called for help. I wish I had known and for a long time I hated myself for not being a better friend.
That image was literally burned into my eyeballs and I couldn't get that smell out of my nose. I should have went and talked to someone but I didn't and I started having severe insomnia. Finally after being awake for 5 days straight I went and got something to drink and got drunk. I start drinking and doing drugs again to sleep and to forget as if that was even possible. Death still bothered me, I'd never completely gotten over it. In fact I'd feared death for so long that I hadn't been able to live. Eventually one day I woke up in a psyche ward on all kinds of crazy medications. They said I was talking to myself and hearing voices. I don't remember any of it, the insomnia and drugs really screwed me up. I really don't remember much about that period of time, so after a week I got out and a few months later quit taking all the medications, I had never heard any voices or anything when I was sober so I think it was just the drugs and my mental state plus insomnia. I ended up failing a **** test and moving back home and my probation officer and I decided that I wanted to go to Safe P which is kinda a prison rehab.
I wasn't doing my community service so my po told me to come do it at the courthouse where he worked. I would mostly be by myself and I'd have him and officers around me so I wouldn't feel like using so that's what I did and it helped so much. I just cleaned and shredded papers and stuff and didn't do drugs that whole time. Eventually after months my po called me into the office and said he was taking me off the waiting list for Safe P and said he didn't think I needed it anymore. I was gaining weight and looked good plus he said my eyes didn't look dead anymore. Eventually I finished my probation, I'm very thankful to my po. Everyone else hated him but he helped me so much. I wouldn't have made it through community service anywhere else.
To this day I haven't done any more "illegal drugs". I wish the story was over and that I was healthy and happy but unfortunately it didn't end there for me. I no longer went to AA/NA. I couldn't go without seeing my friend and everytime I did I ended up puking and wanting to do drugs or get drunk very badly so I just haven't been able to go back even though I miss it. What was once a major coping resource has become one of my worst triggers. Anyway life wasn't great but not too bad either when I hurt myself. I hurt my back lifting something way too heavy and was having a lot of pain and the doctors gave me some painkillers. yeah I know stupid of me right? I just though since I knew how to handle addiction I'd be fine, he made it sound like I had nothing to worry about even though I told him I was an addict. Well if you have any problems we can get you off them easily. Ok, so I became addicted without even knowing. I was hurting really bad one weekend. My whole body actually was hurting bad and I ran out of pills two days early. No problem I thought, I'll just take motrin until Monday. The next day I was so sick. I had the flu, my nose was running, my head hurt, my hands felt weird and I was just sick as a dog. Motrin didn't help at all and I just couldn't deal with the pain plus the flu so I went and bought a few pills form a guy I used to know.
That was literally one of the worst moments of my life because five minutes after I took a pill that flu went away. It wasn't the flu, I was physically addicted. So the normal thing to do is to taper off, to talk to my doctor but I'm not normal and my addicted brain said, you just need to make sure you do enough to never feel sick like that again. So I started taking more and more. Eventually I was taking a crap load of pills a day. Finally I kept running out and having to buy them on the street and I was sick of it so I told my Doctor. The same doctor who said it wouldn't be a problem and could help me get off of them with no problem. Well he did, he cut me off. Guess that was the help he meant. He mentioned rehab or methadone but of course he doesn't prescribe methadone and the rehab I talked to wanted nearly 9k and only gives you Tylenol pm. yeah, that's so going to help. So I freaked and went to a methadone clinic. Second worst mistake of my life. I ended up being on a super high dosage of methadone. But I started having averse reactions to it after nearly ten years. I got to where just the smell of it made me vomit. I couldn't go up and dose and every month when I had to I was sick for days. Just the thought of going made me sick. I'm sure a lot of it was mental but tell that to my body. So during all this time I'd had a lot of methadone saved up from all those days I just couldn't take it and decided enough was enough and I quit going. I began to taper myself but started running out. The process took longer and was harder than I thought. After being at nearly 200mg a day I was down to 20 and running out fast.
One day in the pharmacy I saw a card for opiate addiction and called it, it hooked me up with a local Doctor who I contacted. He told me about Buprenorphine/Suboxone and told me if I wanted to make and appointment I could. I didn't at that time I was still trying to ween myself but a month or so later I was nearly out and called him. I was panicked by this time. So he told me to get down to 10 mg. on my last few days then I had to go three days with nothing before coming in and dosing because if you don't give it a few days inbetween the suboxone will put you into immediate withdrawl. That was one of the worst weekends of my life but I managed and after taking that first dose of Suboxone my life changed. I felt ..... normal for the first time in a very long time. I started out on 16mg and I'm currently down to 8 mg. a day and still working on coming off of it. It doesn't have the side effects of methadone. It doesn't get you high like methadone, painkillers or heroin. But now I was normal or close to normal but I was having health issues.
While weening myself off of methadone my weight went from 165 down to 95 in just six months. I had no energy and felt horrible. I actually thought I had some type of cancer and before finding my suboxone doctor I'd gone to a lot of doctors and they couldn't find what was wrong with me. Some of them wanted me to go talk to a psychiatrist others said it was fibromyalgia which was what they said was causing my pain. My first meeting with my Suboxone Doctor I'd told him all of this and he asked if I'd ever had my Testosterone levels checked. He said he's seen it so many times with people who abuse opiates and it just ruins the bodies ability to create testosterone. So I went and had more bloodwork done and guess what? My testosterone levels were nonexistent. I started getting injections and got back up to 120-130 lbs which is where I'm at now. I have a hard time gaining weight and seem to be about the only one in the world to lose weight with low T levels instead of gaining it. Except for arthritis my body doesn't hurt much anymore. I have energy and feel good.
For the first time in my life I feel almost normal. I'm still shy but I'm working on it. I force myself to talk to people, to get out and look people in the eyes. It's not easy but the more I do it and the more I pretend to have confidence the more I actually have. I know that there are some who may think that that being on Suboxone is still using but I disagree. It's saved my life, I don't get high off of it because it's only a partial agonist. Basically when you do opiates they fill these pleasure receptors in your head. Think of them like keyholes and opiates fill those keyholes and turn them to the right (or on) like a key would - getting you high. Suboxone just fills them, they dont' turn them but they don't allow anything else to get into those key holes either so even if you do drugs like vicodin, oxycontin or heroin you will not get high.
I've been on sub for a while now and i'm taking it slowly. I don't feel bad about needing the help just like someone with diabetes shouldn't feel bad for taking insulin. I just happen to need it. It may be different for others. I do miss the AA meetings though and tried one a few months ago, I ended up puking my guts out and having bad dreams for days. I still have insomnia and have to take Benadryl each night but I'm lucky, a lot of people need even stronger sleep meds, especially after abusing opiates. My health is not perfect and I'm paying for all of the abuse but mentally I'm in the best spot I've been in for years. I've been clean from illegal drugs for 10-15 years, I've been off of methadone for a couple of years now and one day I'll be off of suboxone. That thought scares me. I'm a manic depressive so I'm either very down or very up and still have a lot of anxiety but not as many panic attacks anymore. Most of the time I'm down but that's okay, I have dealt with it for years and know that it isn't who I really am. I am just taking it one day at a time and I hope this horribly long story will save some of you from making the same mistakes I have in my past. I still have a ways to go but I'm happier now than I ever have been. I've learned a lot of good lessons, I am no longer so bothered by death that I refuse to live and I have plans and dreams that I know I will accomplish now. My teeth are very bad, having to get dentures from the drug abuse and neglect but that can be fixed. I'm just thankful I'm still around to fix them and to enjoy each and every day. So that's my story. Sorry it was so long but I don't know how else to tell it.
Take care everyone and thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
Thanks for sharing and welcome!!
Parts of your story i can relate to. Being in a detox for a week, then a 30 day in patient rehab.
Going back to vicodin, someone offers me methadone to help with cravings so stupid, blind me, i believe it and ended up trading one addiction for a much bigger one.
Got off the methadone after a long taper and still had severe withdrawals but i finally managed to get off for good.
After 3 years or so i hurt my neck and started taking vicodin again and for the first year or two i was fairly responsible with them but after awhile i started going crazy with them.
I am now on suboxone and have been for around a month and a half now. They do kill the cravings and i take a tiny, tiny amount but they have some other side effects that I'm not too fond of.
My goal is to not take them for too long.
My husband is a mortician so i can totally relate to you seeing the dead body. Pretty deep stuff there.
I'm glad you're here and hope you continue to share and stick around.
Parts of your story i can relate to. Being in a detox for a week, then a 30 day in patient rehab.
Going back to vicodin, someone offers me methadone to help with cravings so stupid, blind me, i believe it and ended up trading one addiction for a much bigger one.
Got off the methadone after a long taper and still had severe withdrawals but i finally managed to get off for good.
After 3 years or so i hurt my neck and started taking vicodin again and for the first year or two i was fairly responsible with them but after awhile i started going crazy with them.
I am now on suboxone and have been for around a month and a half now. They do kill the cravings and i take a tiny, tiny amount but they have some other side effects that I'm not too fond of.
My goal is to not take them for too long.
My husband is a mortician so i can totally relate to you seeing the dead body. Pretty deep stuff there.
I'm glad you're here and hope you continue to share and stick around.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: st. Louis, mo
Posts: 12
Right there with ya......
......not really sure where im going from here. Many, MANY attempts at sobriety in the past. My longest streak of success, without being "forced," is 5 months. Many, MANY "bottoms." Things have been worse than they are right now. I have a wonderful family, great job (not working/making as much as i'd like to be but love my job none the less) Im just unhappy. Miserable, all the time. Regardless of what happens throughout any given day i feel like its the worst day of my life. I cant wait to just get it over with so I can sleep. Im broken down and i just cant do it anymore. As I said, ive had much more profound what most people would look at as "bottoms" but not in my eyes. Ive never been where I am right now.
Ive never given recovery, i.e. meetings, steps, spirituality, etc, a "real go." Ive tried EVERYTHING else. Nothing has even come close to working. I have to try. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my family. The life that ive lived so far cannot be why im here. Theres more and I know it. Im ready and willing to do whatever it takes.
Where do I go now?!
Ive never given recovery, i.e. meetings, steps, spirituality, etc, a "real go." Ive tried EVERYTHING else. Nothing has even come close to working. I have to try. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my family. The life that ive lived so far cannot be why im here. Theres more and I know it. Im ready and willing to do whatever it takes.
Where do I go now?!
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
You have gone through an awful lot--more than most of us here (including me). I couldn't imagine the trauma you went through when you discovered your friend's body. I am very happy you found your way here. Ask all the questions you desire!
Welcome aboard and best wishes on your road to recovery!
Welcome aboard and best wishes on your road to recovery!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by peanut44 
Thanks for sharing and welcome!!
Parts of your story i can relate to. Being in a detox for a week, then a 30 day in patient rehab.
Going back to vicodin, someone offers me methadone to help with cravings so stupid, blind me, i believe it and ended up trading one addiction for a much bigger one.
Got off the methadone after a long taper and still had severe withdrawals but i finally managed to get off for good.
After 3 years or so i hurt my neck and started taking vicodin again and for the first year or two i was fairly responsible with them but after awhile i started going crazy with them.
I am now on suboxone and have been for around a month and a half now. They do kill the cravings and i take a tiny, tiny amount but they have some other side effects that I'm not too fond of.
My goal is to not take them for too long.
My husband is a mortician so i can totally relate to you seeing the dead body. Pretty deep stuff there.
I'm glad you're here and hope you continue to share and stick around.
Parts of your story i can relate to. Being in a detox for a week, then a 30 day in patient rehab.
Going back to vicodin, someone offers me methadone to help with cravings so stupid, blind me, i believe it and ended up trading one addiction for a much bigger one.
Got off the methadone after a long taper and still had severe withdrawals but i finally managed to get off for good.
After 3 years or so i hurt my neck and started taking vicodin again and for the first year or two i was fairly responsible with them but after awhile i started going crazy with them.
I am now on suboxone and have been for around a month and a half now. They do kill the cravings and i take a tiny, tiny amount but they have some other side effects that I'm not too fond of.
My goal is to not take them for too long.
My husband is a mortician so i can totally relate to you seeing the dead body. Pretty deep stuff there.
I'm glad you're here and hope you continue to share and stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by beps614
......not really sure where im going from here. Many, MANY attempts at sobriety in the past. My longest streak of success, without being "forced," is 5 months. Many, MANY "bottoms." Things have been worse than they are right now. I have a wonderful family, great job (not working/making as much as i'd like to be but love my job none the less) Im just unhappy. Miserable, all the time. Regardless of what happens throughout any given day i feel like its the worst day of my life. I cant wait to just get it over with so I can sleep. Im broken down and i just cant do it anymore. As I said, ive had much more profound what most people would look at as "bottoms" but not in my eyes. Ive never been where I am right now.
Ive never given recovery, i.e. meetings, steps, spirituality, etc, a "real go." Ive tried EVERYTHING else. Nothing has even come close to working. I have to try. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my family. The life that ive lived so far cannot be why im here. Theres more and I know it. Im ready and willing to do whatever it takes.
Where do I go now?!
Ive never given recovery, i.e. meetings, steps, spirituality, etc, a "real go." Ive tried EVERYTHING else. Nothing has even come close to working. I have to try. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my family. The life that ive lived so far cannot be why im here. Theres more and I know it. Im ready and willing to do whatever it takes.
Where do I go now?!
beps614: First of all I'm glad you love your job. Enjoying what you're doing is so much more important than money. Of course we need to make a living too but still, I'm glad you're doing something you enjoy. You mention how unhappy you are. Are you still drinking or doing drugs and is that causing the unhappiness? Since you mention you've never really given recovery a real try then why don't you give it a shot? Just start small if you need to. Go to a AA/NA meeting and just sit. You don't have to share if you don't want to. Just being surrounded by other people like you can help so much. Many of us deal with major depression, and a lot of us have had depression before we ever picked up a drink or used drugs. I don't know if you're depressed and if so if it's from using or if it's just something that's always been there. But what you describe sounds exactly like depression. Every day being miserable and only looking forward to sleeping. You might want to talk to someone, maybe a psychologist or some type of counselor. There's no shame in asking for help. There are a lot of really good medications that might possibly help. Sometimes you have to try dozens of them to find the one that's right for you. Of course you might not need any, maybe just talking to someone will help. I'd definitely go see someone about it. You'd be surprised the difference it can make.
Mostly though I think you need to reach out and talk to someone, ask for some help in you recovery. Give some meetings a try and see what you think. If you don't like it then try a different meeting. Not all AA meetings are the same, sometimes you have to try several different ones to find one that you like or feel comfortable with. It sounds like you would like to be happy and you have a lot to be thankful for, you have a good job and a family who loves you. Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. In the meantime until you decide to go to a meeting or talk to someone then keep coming here and talking to others. Don't be afraid to ask for help and try not to think about the future too hard, just take each day as it comes. Try to stay sober for just today and don't worry about tomorrow, lord knows there's plenty enough to worry about in life without adding that to it. If you ever want to talk just holler at me. I'm sorry it took me a while to respond. I've been super busy but I'll be checking back more often. Don't be afraid to live life to its fullest. We only get one shot here and it's not worth it to beat yourself up over what could have been. All we can do is move forward and to try to be the best person we can be each and every single day. Good luck to you, I hope you'll go and give recovery a chance, give yourself a chance. Sometimes we have to make our own happiness.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: st. Louis, mo
Posts: 12
Thanks for the reply, really means a lot to me. Am I depressed because I'm still using? Yes and no. I relapsed in march after 6 months clean. I have t been able to get more than 2-3 weeks at a time under my belt since then. Right now I'm almost through day 5. I feel good this time. I'm giving it a go.
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