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H in denial about me.

Old 08-24-2013, 01:11 AM
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H in denial about me.

Let me start by saying my husband is the most patient, kind, supportive and generous man ever. He supports me in everything (even asked me not to hide the drinking but do it in front of him if I couldn't stop so he could keep me safe) and helps with everything.
When he came home on Tuesday night and I confessed that I really did have a problem he was great and has been since.
However, last night we were talking about the recent good weather and he said he'd love to go away to Paris for a long weekend and enjoy the food and the wine. I said that would be lovely but no wine for me again. He was really surprised - I think he thinks this is a detox then I will go back to having the odd glass. I don't want to.
How can I help change his mindset - the old me i.e. his drinking buddy has gone?
P.S. Day 5 and feeling great - may even go for a run!
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:19 AM
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Hi Ashocktostop

Normal drinkers often don't understand alcoholism - it would be like us trying to understand walking in space.

Don't focus on trying to change his mind or making him understand.
I'd focus on you, on you doing the right thing, even when others may not understand...


He'll respond positively to the changes in you.

He may never understand...who knows?....but I think he will come to accept that you're happier not drinking, and that for you not drinking means no drinking ever.

D
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:20 AM
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Morning Well done on day 5 and more importantly, where did you find this man and does he have a brother lol
Seriously though, I think you just need to stick to your guns and let him know that drinking is making you more unhappy than happy. I'm sure he'll realise eventually that you mean business
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:23 AM
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congrats on Day5 !!

He's kind & supportive....he'll support you in this too, if you tell him that drinking was making you unhappy. Relationships that start out with drinking involved do require some kind of reset period when one party quits, but real friends & loved ones will be happy for you in the end.

Keep it up!
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:39 AM
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I know he'll get *it* in the end and a tiny part of me mourns that part of my life but the huge part of me remembers the misery!
Last night neither of us drank, watch Sky Arts (wtf - it takes a brain to concentrate and don't normally have that on a Friday or any night!) and chatted and read in bed until late. Rather then drinking, barely talking and passing out at around 9.30. SO nice.
Zoe - I met him in a Weatherspoons! The shame!!
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Old 08-24-2013, 09:51 AM
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Just focus on yourself and your recovery. He'll soon understand that you don't want to drink anymore.
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Old 08-24-2013, 09:59 AM
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My husband was my drinking buddy. He thought the same. But then he surprised me - he cut way down on his drinking (he is a normie, but he does drink).
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Old 08-24-2013, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Ashocktostop View Post
I know he'll get *it* in the end and a tiny part of me mourns that part of my life but the huge part of me remembers the misery!
Last night neither of us drank, watch Sky Arts (wtf - it takes a brain to concentrate and don't normally have that on a Friday or any night!) and chatted and read in bed until late. Rather then drinking, barely talking and passing out at around 9.30. SO nice.
Zoe - I met him in a Weatherspoons! The shame!!

At least you didn't meet him in A&E due to drinking too much in a Weatherspoons! Or at a 24 hour Jet garage buying nasty vodka at 4am in the morning!

xxxx
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Old 08-24-2013, 12:18 PM
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No - is was a Sunday early evening!
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Old 08-24-2013, 12:32 PM
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You don't have to change his mindset, just keep doing what your doing and he will see you can and will be happier not drinking. It becomes natural to not drink.
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Old 08-24-2013, 12:40 PM
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I agree,just concentrate on you.When I quit my husband didn't 'get' it. He reallydidn't think I'd quit,not that he wasn't supportive just that he knew how much I loved drinking. He didn't realize how unhappy it was making me. At first he'd ask if I'd have a drink when on hols or Christmas etc. Now (8.5 months) he never mentions it ,it's a non issue as he knows I just don't drink. In time your husband will accept you're a non drinker and that'll just be the norm
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:03 PM
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I have the same husband, ASTS, and he had the same reaction when I told him I could never drink again. It's settled in after a few weeks though and he's fine with it. I think a part of him does miss his drinking buddy, but he's happy that I'm happy and feeling better. He never did understand my drinking problem because he doesn't have one. After a bender he used to say "I don't get why can't you just have a few and then go to bed." It's starting to settle in with him that this is a thing. I can't just have a few. So I have to have none. Forever. He actually said "You are a delight sober!!" out of the blue the other day, so he's on the upswing. We're lucky gals to have supportive mates, even if they don't understand it, they have our backs
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by earthsteps View Post
My husband was my drinking buddy. He thought the same. But then he surprised me - he cut way down on his drinking (he is a normie, but he does drink).
Same here Earthsteps! My boyfriend has also cut his drinking and bar time way down.
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Old 08-24-2013, 07:44 PM
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I am blessed to be with a man who loves his beer but couldn't care less when the next time would be that he'd have one. He actually hasn't had a beer since 2 weeks before I quit. I think he'd also do anything in support of my sobriety considering the mouth that he had to put up with when I was drinking.

Your husband sounds like a nice guy and although he doesn't realize that this is a true daily goal on your part something tells me that he'll get it and be happy about it.

Congratulations on Day 5!
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:22 PM
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my husband is amazingly supportive. he quit drinking 2 years before i did to support me and because he didn't like how he acted when he was drunk. he's amazing. he just said "no more alcohol" and quit like that. me? i held on with my fingernails and tried to keep drinking. well, here i am now.

i think your husband is probably confused. i mean, you're a woman. women aren't alcoholics! alcoholics are grizzled old men who eventually end up out on the street and die from liver failure. AAers are old farts who sit outside and smoke and drink coffee at 9PM and just sit around talking about how much life sucks. it's very confusing for a nondrinker to understand what it is to be an alcoholic and what that means. perhaps he could do a little reading or attend an Al-Anon meeting to gain perspective. no one is born knowing how to live with an alcoholic. i hope he goes out and learns a little about what he can do. if your guy is anything like mine, he'll to anything to see you sober and happy.
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Old 08-24-2013, 10:04 PM
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I have a hubby like that, and he quit when I quit- but I'm not really sure he understood at first like he does now. So grateful to have him and nice to know other people are going thru this!
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Old 08-25-2013, 12:52 AM
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Thanks all. He is fab. Last night I had lots of herbal tea as opposed to wine and he had a couple of beers. He fell asleep before me (unheard of before!) and I read/watched him sleep counting my new found blessings.
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Old 08-25-2013, 05:26 AM
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"How can I help change his mindset - the old me i.e. his drinking buddy has gone?"

by changing you and having his wife appear.
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Old 08-25-2013, 06:00 AM
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My husband reacted similarly. He never understood, still doesn't. I have to just accept that and move along and focus on my sobriety. We were drinking buddies too, now he barely ever drinks, but that transition in our relationship was really hard. He still, after 5ish years, after all the hell we went through because of my drinking, asks me if I think I could just have one or two if we were on vacation or something. It's not my job to make him understand, I just keep saying, "Nope.".
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