lalanique

So 3 years ago I got a divorce and dealt with MY codependency. I have dated here and there since but have mostly focused on myself and my children. Anyways I recently have formed a friendship with my ex husband after a horrible divorce. I thought it was in the best interest for our kids and now I'm finding myself in a tough spot! He just called me in tears to apologize for all the bad things he put me through. He checked himself into rehab finally and I was happy to hear he made that step! But now... he is asking to spend some time with us as a family when he gets out. I want to help him in his recovery and I do still love him so I need to tread lightly. Please some advice on what's best for ALL of us !

SereneEdition

Hi lalanique -

Welcome to SR. Congrats on working through your codependency. I'm sure someone will be by with relevant experience to provide more insight as I am single.

I did want to mention that we have a friends and family section, and if you xpost there, you may get more responses.

General thoughts. As you make decisions, I suppose first thing that comes to mind is to get very specific on what he is asking and to get in touch with your needs (and boundaries). If something doesn't feel ok, listen to it.

Not sure if you used a counselor during the divorce, but it might be a good idea to reconnect with that, or other tools that helped you work through your codependency to shore up your foundation.

Mountainmanbob

lalanique

Thank you serene edition and mountainmanbob great insight from the both of you! I will try to connect with some other friends and family groups, I will muster up the courage to enlighten my counselor whom has been there since the marriage( I feel as though my considerations to help him would be disappointing). I am also going to keep in mind this is just the beginning of the road for him & his recovery isn't my responsibility and to move forward very very slowly!
-And I just want to add what an amazing group of people are on here, offering advice and support to strangers

Threshold

I am writing this as a person who has been in a role similar to your husbands.

My ex and I divorced. Shortly after I got sober.

During that process many times I wanted things to go back to the way there were before. I remembered the nice times. I wanted my family back. I wanted my home back. I wanted to feel like I belonged, etc etc.

But I learned (your situation may differ) that there is no going back, only forward. That a lot of the family life and my relationship with my ex had had serious issues beyond my drinking/drugging. That I longed for security, and in my mind equated that with "the old days".

Essentially, I was fantasizing, not yet willing or able to accept the reality.

I wanted to believe that if I took the drinking/drugging out of the equation, everything would be great, but that was not the reality.

So do proceed slowly. Keep eyes open to reality. Best to all of you.

Lightning Bug

The first thing that springs to mind when I read your opening post is the importance of taking care of yourself. Don't go back the path of codependency.