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New, scared but out of denial!

Old 08-22-2013, 06:24 AM
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Unhappy New, scared but out of denial!

Hello all,
I've finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic - a functioning one but one the same.
I have been getting progressively worse since last summer. Booze has always been a big part of my/our lives. Before the birth of my son over four years ago we'd be out most weekends and drink moderately in the week.
I stopped drinking when pregnant but just before going back to work I started secret drinking. I hide bottles in my wardrobe and drink *normally* with my H but top up on the sly.
This continued for 18 months until I was pregnant again and again stopped drinking. After his birth I found myself really craving a drink and soon started secret drinking again but it really stepped up last September when I started working part time. I'd drink at lunchtimes on my days off and would have the odd swig at weekends in the morning to help. I'd get through 2 bottles of Vodka and 3 bottles of Port a week on top of a couple of glasses in the evenings.
My husband guessed before long but instead of taking the support he offered I became defensive and denied it.
I cut down on the secret drinking in June - I just hated the taste of it.
So the shock that stopped me was on Tuesday morning. I went for a run - no big deal I run 3-4 times a week. I got home and I collapsed in a heap - shakes, heart racing, electric zaps through my body, sweats, chills; the lot.
I was convinced I was dying and nearly rang for an ambulance. The night before I had 3/4 bottle of wine.
I have had lessening symptoms since and feel fine apart from a pain under my right rib. I'm convoked I've got liver cancer/cirrhosis/Liver disease and I will die and leave my babies without a mum.
I haven't stopped crying since.
Coupled with house buying and job stress I'm at wits end. I have felt this niggly pain on and off for the past 6 months but the doctor who examined me felt nothing and I felt no pain during the examination.
My husband reckons it's stress.
I think it's sinister.
I'm on the 3 week waiting list for an appointment with the Alcohol and Drug advice centre where I am convinced they will unearth something after the initial tests.
I'm clinging to the hope that my liver function was normal 2 years ago.
Sorry what a ramble. It's taken a lot to get this far and I feel amazing that I have not drunk in nearly three days! An achievement for me!
Any positive stories welcome.
X
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:43 AM
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welcome Ashocktostop - congratulations on your 3 days and I'm sure many more to come. The body is an amazing thing and people have come back from almost fatal illnesses when they finally gave it a chance to heal. Your intake was well above the guidelines and drinking in secret is a serious red flag.
Do you have a plan for continuing sobriety, for coping with cravings, for the times when you most feel like drinking? Keep posting here and you'll find lots of support and encouragement.
As for a positive story, I went from thinking I could never live without wine, to not having touched it for 16 months and the relief has been enormous.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:48 AM
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Thank you.
I have to be honest - I hated the taste of the Vodka and Port. Probably because of the shame.
Just taking it one day at a time and have no plan but there will be counselling on offer after assessment meeting.
I know, deep down, that I can never go back to being a social drinker or just relaxing with my H at the weekend and that is going to be a big mindset readjustment.
But having woken up today and yesterday and felt OK and no cravings and lessening symptoms is the best motivator.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:01 AM
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Thank you for sharing.

I'm now at day 28 sober and have some niggling health concerns also. Only a doctor can help you on that one and I wish you all the best on the health front. It's natural to think the worst and add your health worries to the "I'm a bad Mother list". I still feel like I'm going to be struck down as a punishment for wasting what blessings I have been give in life.

No one sets out to be on this path, so please don't feel alone. You can only make the best choices once you see with honest eyes the choices made in the past that haven't worked and commit to changing what your future looks like.

I wish you all the best in the first days and weeks and a brighter future with good health. You have taken positive steps!
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:59 PM
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Hi Ashocktostop
It's a real shame you can't get a sooner appointment.

I just want to re-iterate that the body is pretty resilient - I don't know for sure what the state of play is with you but the chances are you're not going to die anytime soon

The best thing you can do is stay sober and try not to worry too much over the next few weeks. There's a ton of support here

Having said that, if the pain were to get worse, I'd probably go to the ER or something.

take care of yourself
D
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:03 PM
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to a very supportive place. I'm glad you joined us.
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:30 PM
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Welcome Ashocktostop. Congrats on 3 days sober. Its great that you are acknowledging your alcoholism and that you are reaching out for help. When i was drinking heavily a blood test showed that i had raised lft levels. I was treated and told by the doctor that if i stopped drinking everything would return to normal with no damage. I took their advice and have not touched a drop since and i am completely fit and healthy and levels all normal (they were normal after 3 months sober). I am over ten months sober now.

I would go to your doctor and be completely honest about how much you have been drinking and ask them to do a lft test. Three weeks is a long time to have to wait when you are so worried. You may be able to get some info sooner and some relief if you tell them your symptoms and concerns.

Something else i wanted to add..... I had a lft two years prior to this and they came back normal. I took that as a green light to carry on drinking. Two years later it was a different story. Don't wait around on getting sober and working your recovery like i did this is a progressive illness. Try and not worry. The body is brilliant at healing itself and recovering given a chance. I am proof. Wishing you the very best.
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:32 PM
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Welcome - I really wish you could get a sooner appointment!
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:37 PM
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My dr refused to do any health checks lft or other on me for the simple fact that the damage may not always show up right away and as said some people use it as a green light to keep abusing themselves. Although I'd rather know I have to agree with the method to his madness. He also said a liver biopsy was the only sure way to assess any damage and that no surgeon would perform that unless there was some major evidence of disease.
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Old 08-22-2013, 04:04 PM
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Hi there! I'm a noob here but wanted to say well done on your progress so far. I also stopped because I was pregnant, then got addicted to sleep, then when feeling better back on the booze! You are making yourself more poorly by worrying about being poorly when you probably are totally ok! It's just the worry. I'm a fine one to talk but try to do something distracting when you find yourself in a tizz, I love listening to alpha beat feel good music on you tube and reading inspiring stories when I start to worry or panic. Find something that floats your boat that is good for you. Best of luck
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:03 AM
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Thanks all!
I feel so much better again today. Pain gone and really upbeat.
No early morning fog nor counting down til the kids are in bed so I can drink!
I also walked through the booze aisles twice last night and didn't feel the slightest urge at all - unheard of for me!
My H (who works with homeless alcoholics) has said that I would be feeling worse not better if it were sinister. I am going to wait for the appointment but go to the GP if it does come back or get worse!
So day 4 and I feel fab!
(I did type a long reply but it got swallowed!)
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:15 AM
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Wow congrats on day 4. I get the secret drinking and hiding the bottles in the wardrobe....I've done that. And behind the bookcase in my room...and desk.

Just a little note on your health worries, if you're worried about your liver, it's a mighty organ. It's the only one in our body that can regenerate itself when damaged.

Again, congrats on day 4. Day by day.
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:24 AM
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I have to clean up the other side of my spare room sometime this weekend.

2 weeks ago on one of my early cleaning binges I forgot that I may find bottles there. It was quite a shock to be merrily sorting through boxes and baskets of clothes and books (feeling useful, sober and proud of the cleanup) and the next minute see bottles...and worse still...wine casks that I'd snipped the edges off the silver bladders to extract as much alcohol as possible out of them.

Horrifying.
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:29 AM
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Ash, maybe it was something as benign as an electrolyte imbalance due to dehydration and alcohol consumption. Try not to beat yourself up too much and keep the ER on stand-by if you need urgent treatment for symptoms in the future. Congrats on your days accumulated so far
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:47 AM
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It sounds like you're doing well and I hope your physical symptoms clear up.

We are here to offer support.
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:00 AM
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Hoping it was something trivial but grateful it gave me the kick I needed.
Croissant - I know that feeling well. Or that awful feeling of waking up wondering where I'd hid booze the night before and praying I found it before H or the kids! Luckily he rarely looks in the washing machine! It will get better!
Even a rainy UK day and the Smurfs on dvd hasn't tempted me back to the shop for booze!
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Old 08-25-2013, 06:02 AM
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Stick with it! It's worth it. I never saw this coming, but I feel compelled and determined to give it my best shot after waking up ashamed and exhausted last month.

I'm still throwing bottles out after 4 weeks....ugh.

Smurfs are way better than anything you could find in a bottle! Best wishes and I am convinced there is a much better life for us newbies.
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