soberhawk

I have suspected my oldest son for using mj for some time, being an old alcoholic coming from a alcoholic family, coming from a background where many of my friends got lost in this **** or something else – I know the signs.

His grades did deteriorate the last year of high school, he has been surprisingly defensive when I brought it up, avoiding contact, I could see when he wanted out in the evenings to meet his friends his eyes flickered when I delayed him. It was surprisingly often that he needed to meet someone late in the night before he went to sleep.

I do know how the addicts brain works to avoid the point.

**** I do hate myself for this, with my background I should never have had children – one side of me is such thoughts of self pity the other side of me is just stop it you pathetic old man and get this straighten out.

The dynamics has been that I was more and more controlling and suspicious and he was more and more defensive.

My youngest son raised the issue this evening (he is a year younger – 18 years). “Dad I am going to high school, I have a part time job, I have a busy life – you guys are ruining the peace of my home and stressing me out.” He is a good kid and he is right.

We discussed it and he came with some comments on his view on this, how badly we communicated (me and my oldest) – suggested that we maybe needed help to get to the bottom of this.

He is right – he is taking a parent role here I know, it should not be needed – but no time for analysis now.

We sat down and discussed it this evening all 3 of us.

Me and my oldest almost got so upset that the discussion stopped and my youngest was kind of “You stay here and finish this to evening, find a solution and a compromise”.

Do you know the communication model joharis window - open, hidden, blind spot and unknown. Every addict has a blind spot, in my view, otherwise you would not be doing this to yourself. I know not to attack it strongly, it leads to nowhere.

It was the typical stupid addict discussion, I am in control – I am not an addict. Ok, could you stop it for 3 months. Sure. Ok, would you accept I tested you. No, I am a grown up you can not control me that way etc. Fairy tales of when this will come under control – it is an old story. A story I have deep personal understanding of.

We discussed some options – I told stories of the past – I do not know how much got across.

The compromise was that I will not be controlling for the coming months, and not interfere in this. He agreed to go to a psychologist to clarify how he is using this drug and his relationship to it.

It is not a solution I know that – but it is a first step.

People do want to succeed you know, maybe this will point in the right direction – he is a good kid and I love him.

He did go for a walk after the discussion, probably smoking a joint.

First steps are truth and realization – then we must take it from there.

I can feel sorry for my self in self pity and self blame when I get old – it is not the time for that now.

I do feel tired though – I am sick of life.

I am not going to drink or do other stupid things, but I am tired of it all right now.

Dee74

Have you ever thought of something like AlAnon or NarAnon Soberhawk?

I think the support & advice from other moms and dads could be really helpful for you in dealing with Junior.

D

soberhawk

Maybe Dee,

I do not even know whether these group exist here.

I think it is an ok first step to get him to talk to someone, to see how that changes the dynamics.

I will try to find someone with understanding of addiction in families.

I am not a sharing person you know, I am crossing a line by sharing this anonymously.

soberhawk

I am coming to terms with that I did let this go to long, and I need to be calm and strong and see what role I can play in pushing things in right direction.

I did contact a local psychologist and explained the situation, he said that he was willing to go into this, but he knew an other psychologist in a neighboring town that had really good results with youngsters and did recommend that I tried him instead. I have arranged a meeting for my son with this guy tomorrow. My son is over 18, so I will not be involved or informed of anything about this process – unless he wants me to, so I need to back off from this.

He will borrow the car and get some money to pay the psychologist, and I do trust him that he will take this seriously – we will see whether he can help him with this.

I need to make sure that this does not overtake our relationship, I need to work on myself on that point.

It is hard guys – well we can not more than do our best.

When his friends visit, and I have known most of these guys since they were small kids, they are kind of tiptoeing around me - the old man knows - he is worried and grumpy.

I am suspecting that my son is staying away from it for the moment probably to prove to me and maybe himself he does not have a problem.

There are days I wish I was a shepherd in the Pyrenees – just a flock of uncomplicated sheep, a calm dog, a gentle breeze and lazy cloud formation passing by.

mecanix

I am certainly no expert Soberhawk ,
Is it worth maybe gently encouraging your son to do something skillful in his spare time , something that would be imapired by his MJ use ?

For me i was around "stoners" for most of my childhood by the time i was 23 i'd had enough of them and MJ as they and I were so dull , boring and repetative on it .

Strange how i was blind to how dull i was with drinking a few years later ..

Good luck with it , m

soberhawk

I am kind of using this thread as a blog or even placing my confessions, sorry guys – I need to do this.

My oldest went to the counselor last week and he is deciding tomorrow whether he will continue. I hope he will. He is making serious thought about his situation – I can not expect more than that.

We had a good talk this evening. He said at one point “You can not treat me like a 19 year old when I am 16 and having a rough time at school and show up now when I am 19 and treat me like a 16 years old”. That did hurt, but he is right – and I am proud that he sees this.

It was a good, respectful and honest talk. He is a good kid, more sensible than I was at that age.

I have not been an abusive father – but I have at time been self-absorbed and distant. In the periods I was drinking, I was not drunk in front of the kids but I was not emotionally there.

I have lot of thoughts about this - not all pain is that bad.

I can not change the past and with my background I will never be a happy go lucky suburb parent.

I can try to be brave and honest and give what I have to give.

deeker

You can decide anyday the parent you want to be soberhawk. baby steps and a little effort. What our kids want most is for us to get well. We can only do that one day at a time and make a living amends.

They have heard our I am sorry's way to much and it means nothing they want to see consistent change. My son is 22 Yrs old and that is all he wanted was for me to get well. We have a good relationship now.

Don't force yourself on him, that doesn't work I found out. Just let it happen.



tomorrow