hypochondriac

I can't believe I haven't asked this before because it is a major reason I felt the need to drink like I did.

I am so thin skinned you can see through me. My emotions have always been on the sensitive side, I cry easily and am quick to anger. The slightest negative comment can send me reeling for weeks and I do tend to store them up in the 'reasons why I am crap' box.

I do all the usual stuff, try to counter negatives with a positive, try not to think it's all about me, but the pang I get when someone even slightly criticises me is still there. I feel like that part of me will never change, which scares me because although my rational self can figure out how to respond better and realise that drinking isn't the answer, that raw emotion still throws me more than I'd like.

It isn't just my drinking either. It has made me very isolated because I avoid people who I think might criticise me. Even friends jokey remarks hurt me too much and I avoid people in general. I don't like people coming to my house (there is a lot to criticise me for here) and work isn't fun right now. I swing between vulnerability and defensiveness constantly and I don't think it makes me a pleasant person to be around.

Has anyone any advice?

Eleni58

Sounds like you have tried a few things to get "thick skin." I used to be thin skinned too when I was much younger. I truly believe it was because I was insecure. I developed thick skin because over the years, I learned to be secure and happy with who I was and just considered the source if I thought someone was being overly critical. I also learned to differentiate between actual mean spirited criticism and constructive criticism.

I would suggest going to a psychologist or psychiatrist.

ScottFromWI

I look at things this way: As long as I know I'm making an honest effort to be a good father/husband/person/worker at my job, what other people think or say really doesn't matter to me one bit. Mainly because of the following:

1. I cannot change what other people think or what they say. Regardless of whether i'm doing my best or not, some people are just insensitive and will say insensitive things. Or some even willingly say hateful things because of something I have no control over. So why bother with something you cannot, and will never be able to, change? You might as well worry about what the tempurature was 3 weeks ago.


2. Other people have their own problems. When you meet someone, you have no idea if they just came from a party or a funeral. A lot of bad things happen in peoples lives that we will never know about. People who say bad things may not even know they are saying them, or they may be letting their frustrations from somewhere else leak out when talking to others completely outside the situation. You cannot know this and/or control it.
3. Most importantly: Everyone is different. What you view as offensive might be just joking around to someone else. Just like you may have no problem with something another person is completely freaked out about. The old saying "other people's shoes" applies here.

hypochondriac

Thank you for your replies

I am trying to be happy and secure Eleni, it's a work in progress. And I do well in accepting constructive criticism on the surface but inside I am seething. I don't have a 'how dare they' attitude, rather I just beat myself up about stuff I should be doing better at. I try not to expect perfection from myself too, but I always find myself falling short of something.

Sometimes I am not sure if I am making an honest effort Scott. And that makes me feel bad too. I think, especially in the past and in my drinking days, that I had a real f*ck it attitude, though I don't think I did it on purpose, more an instinctive survival mechanism. I don't even think people are being overly mean to me either. Sometimes they are and I feel got at, but mainly it's stuff like being told off for not changing the loo roll or turning a light out, real petty stuff that makes me feel like other people think I am useless.

I am planning to see someone at some point. I just wanted to get my thoughts in order first. Oh, and I feel stupid talking about this when other people have bigger problems to deal with This just feels like a stumbling block to me.

ScottFromWI

No one's problems are more or less important Hypo, it's never wrong to ask for help or advice if you need it - regardless of how big you think the problem is.

I think you hit on something though saying you aren't sure if you are making 100% effort. And really, no one can all the time - we all have bad days. But in an overall sense, if you generally try your best, that's all you can do. And you are also right that sometimes criticism is warranted, but even then - it's only momentary and rather than dwelling on it we can use it to better ourselves.

Talking to someone would be a great idea, and you can always talk to us here too. Be strong - you are worth it!

hypochondriac

Thank you x

ReadyAtLast

I'm very similar but working on it. going through the WFS statements are helping me immensely in this regard. I've transferred them into a file and read 1-5 every morning,really digest them and try to incorporate them into my thoughts and therefore feelings asI go through the day. only 1-5 for now as thikn I need to get to grips with these first.Think right,Feel right and all that It's not easy, I'm not saying that, but you can get there with practice. How are you getting on with the WFS?

Dee74

I think it's a big problem for a lot of us - I was very think skinned too...but I'd try and push it down, to drink it away later I guess...when I met Mrs Dee she remarked 'gee, you say sorry a lot'

I said sorry a lot because I wanted to ward off open conflict which terrified me....resentment was fine - I had my 'remedy' for that....even if it didn't work....

I guess in the process of dealing with things in my life and my past, I just became comfortable with who I am, and more comfortable with disagreements and conflict.

That was a huge step for me - it took a long time - years not months....but I eventually was able to differentiate between valid criticism and non valid ones.

Valid criticism gives me something to work on...non valid criticism is a waste of my time, cos there's literally nothing I can do about it.

D

ReadyAtLast

gosh people always say that to me too dee-you say sorry a lot,almost apologizing for existing. Do you find as time went on when you got sober you stopped saying it as much?

Dee74

I hardly say it at all now RAL...only when I mean it - it was all a bit meaningless before, I think?

D

hypochondriac

Funny you should mention that as I was listening to a podcast on the 13 statements today. I got to 2 about negative thoughts, and then bad stuff happened and it went out the window a bit. I will get back to them tomorrow

Thanks Dee. Part of me hopes I will get better at this in time, but it feels like such a long time already and I feel like it hasn't improved any. I will try and be more patient but in the mean time work on all the stuff I am supposed to x

Nuudawn

That attitude is part of the problem my friend : ) You are certainly not stupid and I for one think it's an incredibly valid concern...hmm..maybe that's because I struggle with the same thing : ) You need to be a lot more gentle with yourself (something I too am working on). Low frustration tolerance and thin skin is what I believe one of the big factors that contributed to my drinking in the first place. Well, I've taken away the alcohol and I still have that damn thin skin and low frustration tolerance....BUT I'm working on it and pretty proud that I'm actually undertaking the effort. I am aware of it so every time somebody does something to rile my senses..it's an opportunity for me to learn and grow. I have to ask myself the questions as to why what whatever was said burns my arse! I am oversensitive but ya know what, sometimes I have a legimate reason to be ticked off with something someone said that was insensitive or out of line...but sometimes I'm reading insult where none was intended. When none was intended..well, that's about me...when it was intended..well, that's about them. Maybe they're having a crap day or someone hurt them and they're kicking the proverbial cat. Self esteem and boundaries are something I'm working on in sobriety. We are all just flawed humans bumping into each other emotionally all the time..some good and some bad. Relating is not always easy. Some people you will like and some you won't. Some will like you and some won't. Typically we resonate with those we share the same perspective with and don't relate with those we don't. That's all part of being human. I truly believe that with a growing value in myself...that skin will grow a little thicker too : ) That to me is what "recovery work" is all about.

I'm pretty sure it's going to take a bit before I'm looking at everyone and everything from some sort of zen perspective where all will roll off me like water on a duck's back. But I for one am grateful for the mental exercise in trying to achieve that. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow : )

So THANK YOU for posting this. I certainly appreciate it because I understand and relate with it completely!

Wastinglife

I always used alcohol to 'grow' a thick skin. I think many of us here probably used alcohol to overcome insecurities and low self-esteem. I never was able to feel totally comfortable in my own skin without a crutch like vodka or beer. Nothing has ever given me that sense of well-being or confidence like alcohol did. I was always worried about what others thought of me when I should have realized that people generally don't spend their time and thoughts on me or what I perceive they think.

ReadyAtLast

Just wanted to say I really love your posts Nuudawn!

Sorry Hypo-not meaning to hijack

hypochondriac

Low frustration tolerance is exactly it! I feel like I am frustrated with myself for not matching up to my ideals and that fits in so nicely with all the stuff I have been reading on procrastination because I don't want to deal with what doesn't make me feel immediately good about myself.

Thank you Nuudawn. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow too. I must remember that more often x

Nuudawn

lol..hey I think we ALL were instant gratification short cut takers!!! It takes time and effort to take the long way back home ...to ourselves : )

And Awww..thank you Ready! I like yours too!!

hypochondriac

That's exactly what I did too. I would even think whenever I was hurt that it didn't matter cos I could drink that night, like somehow that made it all go away.

Sometimes though now I do feel like it doesn't matter what people say to me because it won't make me drink. It goes both ways