Saddler

Has anyone else here experienced relationship problems *after* you decided to stop drinking? I ask because it seems that over the past couple of weeks my SO and I have been in more conflict than before - one of the reasons I decided to quit alcohol again was just to improve my family relationships in general. I think it has been a very positive change for my son, I have really been able to focus on helping him with the start of school and just hanging out with him in general. But my SO and I seem to be fighting more and more. She says she really thinks it is a good idea for me to stop, but has dropped a few comments like "...if this is how you are going to be when you are not drinking then...". In a way a feel I am a little more critical/on top of things just because I dont lose hours to be being drunk or hung over. She's been talking about marriage (it would be our second go at that) but lately I am thinking that is a really bad idea.

Something else, I would be at day 14 right now if not for using a fight w/ her as an excuse to drink last Tuesday night. So "officially" I'm back up to day 7 today. These conflicts are a big test for me right now, but I am determined not to let someone else's actions be an excuse for me any more.

Anyway, would just like to hear people's thoughts.

PippoRossi

Hi, Saddler. Good for you for having 7 days. That's great! I don't have much advice to give, except that maybe you are a little irritable since you are so early in your sobriety and that is making things worse instead of better, FOR NOW. Just a thought. Maybe your SO is just used to you zoning out and so getting to know you again may take some time.

EndGameNYC

From what you wrote, it's only been a few days. Most every kind of treatment or program for alcoholism counsels against making major changes in early sobriety, based on the clinical reality that many of us are in physical and emotional turmoil when we put down the drink. Same is true of those around us.

Sounds to me that you're equating "more critical" and more "on top of things" as measures of progress. If so, how does being more critical help your relationships?

With all you've described, what would be the advantages to getting married at this time?

Eleni58

Except for one minor fight very early in my sobriety with my boyfriend we have not fought at all. As a matter of fact, our relationship has really grown and we are closer and happier than we've ever been. And for the first time, we are actually doing things together that doesn't involve any alcohol.

You didn't say whether your girlfriend is a drinker too. That could be a HUGE problem in your r/l if she drinks heavily.

Spinach

Perhaps post this in al anon and families and get a view on how irritable and irritating we are when we first start out.
The most important is when it goes wrong don't pick up its not going to help anyone.
John.

doggonecarl

Your relationship problems probably developed over a long stretch of drinking. You aren't going to dig yourself out in seven days.

But seven days sober is a great start.

Dee74

Hi saddler

I think everyones right on the money here - it's early recovery for you, you're up and down easily irritated...and your partner is probably feeling much the same way....they have some resentment and a lot to be resentful for...

and the remedy you've been using is no longer available to you.

I don't doubt things seem worse - but this scenario is actually better for you cos now you can start dealing with the problems instead of running away from them.

the problem in your relationship have obviously been there a while - you'll both need to be a little patient if you want to work things out.

I'd give your SO some space...give it some time and let her see the changes in you.

D

Carlotta

This is an email I received this morning from Women For Sobriety. I am not sure if you are male or female but I think it might be helpful for you to understand:


# # # # #
Dealing With The Confusions Of Early Sobriety
By Jean Kirkpatrick, Ph.D., WFS Founder



Finally we have quit drinking and our world is going to be set right. Our marriage will now flourish, as it did in the early years, and all the problems with the children will finally be over. And thank heaven, the in-laws and parents will stop the constant haranguing about drinking. And it certainly will be a nice change to hear a few compliments for doing something about the drinking.

What a wonderful dream sequence!

Very likely not a single one of those events will ever take place. And if you waste your time waiting for any of them to happen, then you are still dreaming.

For some very crazy and very human reason, we are under the delusion that when we quit drinking, everything in our life will be wonderful. When it isn’t we begin to think we did something wrong. Or we wonder if it’s really worth it, this life of sobriety.

But why isn’t everything wonderful? Why isn’t every problem solved? Why are some members of the family still angry, as if you’ve committed a crime? And why are the kids so belligerent? And why is it always so tense? And why does everyone speak to you in such a dumb way, like you’re not present or conscious?

Early sobriety is the time of our greatest confusion. While we are still in that peculiar state of expecting everyone to congratulate us, we find that that isn’t the reality of life. Those who seem to make us feel good and who REALLY UNDERSTAND us are members of our group. THEY understand and they are the ones who tell us how wonderful we are for quitting.

But when we are away from our group, all hell breaks loose and we feel angry all of the time. Angry and frustrated and ready to scream. We think about drinking every once in a while but then we remember the remorse and the guilt feelings and the headache and the depression and we decide not to go back to that. But we can’t understand what is going wrong.

Well, the truth of the matter is that nothing is going wrong. It’s just that two things are happening, both of which are at cross purposes.

Your family is happy that you have quit drinking but the notion that they will probably display towards you in the beginning will be the anger they have been feeling for a long time. They are not about to congratulate you. Instead they finally want to tell you off… tell you how many times you spoiled their plans, how many times you insulted them, how many times they wished you were not a part of their family. Your sobriety is finally a time when they see you sober and know that what they say to you will at least register in your brain. So their reaction to your sobriety will not be what you have expected.

As for your kids, you now want to play Super Mom to make up for all the rough times but all they seem to do is stay away from home or yell at you. Why?

The reason for their reaction to you is that for the past several years, they have been taking care of you. They have looked over you, protected you, made excuses for you. They mothered you.

They are not about to regress to the age they were when your drinking started to affect their lives. And that is perhaps the saddest part of all in this scenario of sobriety. That part of your children’s lives is lost to you and that is one of the biggest causes for the guilt you will battle in your sobriety. And that is why the WFS “New Life” Program can help you, because you will have to know that “The past is gone forever.”

No matter how upsetting this fact of your life is… the lost years of your life with your children… nothing can be done about it except to accept that it is over, that you did the only possible thing for the disease you have… stopped drinking… and that you are a changed woman who will now try to understand the distance your children are putting between you. No matter how hard it will be for you to understand this, you must see that they are very, very angry with you because they missed you. They are hurting and have been hurting and they can’t just suddenly be happy all of the time about your sobriety.

Sobriety does not make our problems go away. Sobriety is a time when our problems seem overwhelming, because we are seeing them with sober eyes, with a clear mind, and then we are very confused. That is when we ask if it is really all worth it?

Of course we know the answer to that. No matter how very bad things seem, there is no problem that drinking won’t make worse. If there is one thought we should keep uppermost in our minds, it is that drinking makes everything worse and there will always be a day when we must sober up and look at the problems. That day cannot be put out of our lives. Our problems are there for us to deal with.

Early sobriety is a time when we come up against several hard truths that whatever we must do in life, we must do for ourselves and give up waiting for someone else to do them for us.

Added to our feelings of guilt in the early days is the feeling of anger we also experience. We are angry because what we have put off dealing with, we must face and deal with it now. The time of postponement is over. The time of doing is at hand.

Even worse than the anger we feel is the feeling of fear. And anxiety. We feel incapable. We know we can’t do it. We know that this problem… or problems… is greater than we are and we just can’t do it!

We are nervous, anxious, fearful and angry. We are squirming with these nagging emotions. Where can we turn?

This is the time when we must really live our new program, the “New Life” Program. This is the period when we most need the early morning time of meditation, when we can sit by a window and put our problems into proper order and sort out our emotions that are probably misplaced. Remember the suggestion of thinking about our problems in relation to eternity? How serious are they? If we had just one day to live, which problem could we eliminate? Are these problems as devastating as we are making them? Do they all require immediate solutions and/or decisions?

This early morning time is when we must begin to understand the strange reactions of our family. It is the time when we must know that our stopping drinking was, and is, the most important decision we have ever made in our lives. We now know that we are the victim of the disease of alcoholism and that we cannot tolerate alcohol in any form. And learning that this has been the cause of our inability to control our drinking, or our lives, is a relief. We had thought we were horrible persons.

But now that we know, we must grasp life and be on top of it, not be swayed or overcome by fear and anxiety. We know that we must practice feeling like a competent woman and then we will know that we are, because we will find this to be true. And this time of morning meditation will help us to understand our fear, our anxiety, our anger, and our guilt, and we will know that none of this is justified.

Every day we will make certain we have the morning period of meditation to get our emotions right so that we are comfortable with ourselves. And we will know that we are capable of handling the daily pressures. And we will try to understand the anger of our family. And we will know that we have compassionate and understanding friends in our group. And we will know that every day we get better and life will be very rewarding. And we know now that all of this does not happen overnight… as we thought it would when we got sober, when we expected magic to happen and it didn’t.



(This article is from The Collection of Sobering Thoughts, Volume 11 and copyrighted by Women for Sobriety, Inc., PO Box 618, Quakertown, PA 18951.)

Anna

I agree that early sobriety is a time of change for you and your family. It could also be that you didn't react to the conflicts when you were drinking, numbing things away. But, now as a sober person, you have to deal with the annoyances and ups and downs of a relationship. I think talking to each other is a good start.

Soberpotamus

Good article, Carlotta. I read that one this morning too

Yes, I did initially experience some problems in my marriage right after getting sober. He thought all our problems would just vanish. Lo and behold, they didn't! Lol, in fact, it got worse right before it began to get better. It was frustrating and confusing for me that he was a bit disappointed. I figured he'd understand it takes time. But SO's who aren't addicts/alcoholics sometimes can't relate to that part of it... that it's NOT just a matter of removing the alcohol (or drug). That is just the beginning.

Thankfully, my anger and rages having gotten WAY better. Rages are rare. Anger is less. Arguments are much less now. No more knock down drag-outs. Just the typical bickering every now and then, that I think most couples have.

Hang in there, it's worth it. And I'm just five months sober

Notmyrealname

My SO comes from a family where functional alcoholism is the norm. I think it was part of my appeal, as strange as that sounds. So, my sobering up hasn't been as positive to the relationship as you'd think. But the seasons turn, and so do we all.

Nuudawn

Doesn't sound strange at all. We often replay the issues of our first family with the ones we choose for ourselves. Feels like "home".

Saddler

Thanks for all the input, and I do see the general point that not being able to "calm my nerves" with alcohol is probably making me difficult to deal with at times. My SO has no problem w/ alcohol, she can take it or leave it. In the past if I wanted to drink sometimes I would ask her is "she" wanted some wine or vodka or something, she would have one drink, I would have the rest.

I'm a guy by the way. Sorry if the "SO" thing caused confusion. She's just nnot my wife.

One thing that I do believe makes her slightly resent my stopping alcohol is the fact that she is a MAJOR marijuana user. Like all day every day. She has never really hassled me much about drinking unless I did something exceptionally stupid, I believe partly because she could sort of rationalize her substance abuse w/ a "he has a problem too" thought process. Smoking pot has never been high on my list of things to do, unless I was *drinking* (funny how that can be traced back to about every stupid thing I have ever done).