Celticgirl

I mentioned a couple weeks ago about my trying to moderate, and I was strongly discouraged to do that by you all. Thank you so much for that. Last night was a hideous wakeup call for me.

My husband got pulled over for a DUI, spent the night in jail, had his license taken away, etc. I'm sitting here in shock. I'm so afraid of what's going to happen, let alone all the money we will have to spend, how to tell our kids and family, and him possibly losing his job.

We have a meeting with a lawyer in a couple hours, so hoepfully that should shed some light on all this.

Those of you out there who have been through this, how on earth do we get through this??

Bottom line is: No more alcohol, for both of us. That isn't even a hard decision to make.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear about that. Laws vary from place to place, but if it's a first offense most likely he will get a fine and some kind of alcohol assessment/maybe court ordered treatment/therapy. Your car insurance will most likely go up in cost too.

If there is a silver lining, it would be your realization that you need to stop driking now - glad you have made that decision. Have you considered what kind of plan you may want to use to stay sober? An eartshattering event like this certainly is a big motivator for anyone to quit, but the sting will eventually wear off and you'll need to have a plan to keep sober at that time. SR of course is a great place to read about all the different methods possible.

Best of luck and stay with us here.

SLB1968

Take a deep breath. There are many things you didn't tell us. 1) was there any personal injury or loss of property? 2) is it a first or subsquent offense? 3) what does he do for work - does it require professional driving? 4) Where are you? What State?

Here is how it would typically play out in MA. Get pulled over and arrested; get bailed out; show up in the AM for the arraignment (hopefully with counsel).. If it is your first offense and you have a good lawyer, you will likely just plead innocent and admit to facts, you will have to take a course, pay a bunch of fines and YOU MIGHT be able to get a day time drivers permit. Meaning, to and from work and nothing else.

So many factors apply that it's impossible to say. But assuming the guy has no police record, limited arrest record, no DUI's, has a decent job, nobody got hurt, judge is a rational person, you might get a break. It wont be easy.

Good luck and yeah, good wake up call.

Wisconsin

Talking with a lawyer will give you the most accurate answers. What to expect in the legal system will depend a lot on where you live. If this is your husband's first DUI, it is very unlikely he will get jail time. My husband did not get jail time until his third (yes, third!) DUI, and he received a shockingly light sentence of 30 days in the county jail, of which he served 6 days before being released due to overcrowding. I would imagine your husband can expect probation and suspension of his license, for whatever periods are set forth in your state's DUI laws. Fees and fines will vary from state to state, as will things like mandatory AA meetings, mandatory outpatient rehab, etc.

As with any other crisis, just try to take it one step at a time. It's important to know what the big picture is, but it's easy to get overwhelmed. A lawyer will help you focus on "the right next thing."

Celticgirl

It is his first DUI. No other record at all. He was released on a PR bond. Nobody was injured. He's a teacher, which raises concerns about keeping his teaching license, but here in SC a DUI is considered a misdemeanor, so I'm praying that that would enable him to keep his job.

I haven't slept and my heart is pounding and I can't keep my mind from spinning. I appreciate all your kind words. Glad I found this community. I keep thinking I'll wake up any minute, but I know that's not going to happen.

SLB1968

Only your lawyer can tell you for sure what all the laws are. I very much doubt, although I can't say for sure, that he would loose his job over it. If I were him I wouldn't tell the employer! If they figure it out, fine; however, don't offer it up. Unless they do periodic background checks, he should be fine. Even if they do, is he in a Union? He might have some insulation from the school administrators.

For a first offense, it can happen to anyone and most people realize that. My mother-in-law even got an OUI. When you start talking 2 or, esspecially more, it raises eyebrows.

Carlotta

Hi Celtic,

First and foremost I am really glad that he did not hurt anyone while driving drunk and that you stayed sober. I also hope that you have a source of income of your own. Right now, try to stay focused on your own sobriety, this is HIS mess to clean.
Hopefully he will stop drinking too but remember never to make your own sobriety contingent upon someone else's.
Do you have a group you attend for face to face support such as AA, SMART or WFS?

Ps: since it is his first DUI, chances is are that he will get a steep fine, have to attend classes and he might also get mandated to AA by the judge. Since fortunately no one got hurt, he very probably will not go to jail.

Weasel1966

I have been through this before.

I was scared. I was angry. I was on the edge everyday as I wen through each step. I was shameful to tell people.

But this is what I took from it.

I learned a great lesson. I stood up for myself with regard to character as it made me feel less. I was as open as needed with those I needed to.

Bottom line is I got through it.... And so will you. And so will your husband.

Hevyn

Celticgirl, I don't see how they could take his license. Alcoholism is considered a disease. If he states that he's seeking treatment I don't think his job can be in jeopardy.

I've been through this too. For my first offense I just took classes and paid a fine - license was suspended for 90 days. (This was in Delaware). I showed remorse and regret when I went to court - told the judge I was seeking treatment and it would never happen again, etc. Astonishingly enough - I went on to get two more - all because I insisted on trying to moderate. It never, not once, worked for me.

Glad you are here to share your feelings and reach out for support Celticgirl. It can be the beginning of a better life for you both.

Eleni58

I don't think it will affect his job. If it's any consolation, the president of the company I formerly worked for that employed 900 people and was worth a billion dollars, got a DUI and didn't lose his job.

I got a DUI in 2006 (my first and last one) and I was absolutely devastated and freaking out. I got a $600 fine, had my license suspended for 6 months and had to go to drunk school.

john316

You gave great great great great reason y you would not drink again I came to a close to 18 year's now the same reason you gave to not drink the pane from what I did the only way to cove up the pain and guilt was to drink more the more guilt the more I had to drink
Cunning and powerful with out help it is to much for us

Celticgirl

Thank you. At this stage we don't really know what's going to happen, but it's going to be a costly lesson nonetheless. Felt better after talking to the lawyer about what the next steps need to be, so I guess we'll just take it one day at a time.

This may not be resolved for about six or so months. I said to our attorney, well, in five years this will all be behind us, and he said no, it will be in a year. Thank god I have a job, but we're going to have to do some serious downsizing to see how to make this work if he does lose his job. We have been so codependent with each other, and this has affected us both.

I just feel so horribly stressed out and I'm exhausted, but I've got a racing heart and a racing mind when I go to bed. Please tell me I won't feel like this for a year.

suki44883

You won't feel like this for a year. You will deal with the situation and get used to doing so. The attorney probably meant that your husband should expect to be on probation for a year. His driver's license will be returned in probably 3 months. In the meantime, he can get an occupational license that will allow him to drive to and from work.

This is all going to cost a lot of money, but I seriously do not believe he will do any jail time unless he breaks probation. I know it seems like a nightmare now. I went through it several years ago, but amazingly enough, I continued to drink for another two years. As devastating as it is, the horror wears off after a while, so while you may hope this is his bottom, it might not be. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Celticgirl

I know I need to stay healthy and to be my best, which is sober. His license will be gone for six months, but he can get one for work for a couple months. That's a pain, but do-able. Just worried about the income loss and having to deal with the embarrassment and humiliation.

Anna

Use the upset and fear to propel you forward in your recovery. Try to see this as a gift to help you both get sober. I really hope that your husband doesn't lose his job.

suki44883

You don't know that he's going to lose his job. Don't awfulize the situation. So far as the embarrassment and humiliation, neither of those are yours. Your husband screwed up (same as I did) and he is going to have to deal with the consequences. Almost everyone who drinks alcohol has gotten behind the wheel when they were under the influence. It could happen to anyone. What he does from here on out is the important part.

hellomynameis

I think the first thing I would do is be thankful that no one was injured or worse because of your husband's driving while intoxicated. The second thing I would do is find some sort of program and start it together, now. Like others have wisely said, this shock and awe of this event is going to wear off eventually and if you don't want it to happen again with perhaps worse consequences, please check into programs to help you and he with your drinking problems.

second, how brave of you to come to the forum like this looking for help. Your family will be all the stronger for it in the long run. Perhaps this run in w/ the law was just the blessing you both needed to shock the pants off of you and make some changes...

good luck...take care of you!~

Nuudawn

I'm so very sorry to hear of the hardship that has struck your family in the way of stress and financial upset. Man..that sucks. I'm glad you are seeing it as a wake up call for your husband AND yourself. It sounds like you are able to see your own issue in his. I don't mean to deviate and minimize the situation at hand. But I am curious as to what you discovered in your own attempt to moderate.

Celticgirl

My attempts to moderate were unsuccessful after about a week or so. Back to where I was. The thing is my husband was doing really well, and I blame myself for dragging him back into this.

I think a program might be good; however, we are in a small town and are terrified about this getting out. If it does, and it well may, his job will be gone. That's the bottom line, and that's what's consuming both of us and scaring us to death.

For those of you who have dealt with DUIs, how did you handle the day-to-day things without going crazy? How did you financially handle all this? The lawyer is not cheap, and if he does stay employed, that will help tremendously, but should we charge this? Cancel our life insurance? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

I do tend to awfulize things, but I think I need a game plan so that I don't get sick from stress and worry. I can't talk to anybody about this, so this forum is a lifesaver for me.

I guess if there is a bright side, it is that it has completely and totally opened our eyes. I honestly can't imagine drinking again, but if that need does arise, I will be back here, every day, if need be.

Amajorityofone

Friend-

We poor human beings suffer more from imagination than reality. Thus, do yourself a favor, take a deep breath, tell yourself everything is going to be alright, slowly start counting backwards from 100, and go back to bed.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
-Abraham Lincoln

nite