endlesspatience

I have found it helpful to talk to a professional addiction counsellor about a number of areas. One theme that has come up is passive aggression. I have heard this phrase used casually a lot recently but I don't really know what it means - it appears to be very subjective.

Apart from Wikipedia, does anyone have a widely recognised psychological definition of it?

Also, and perhaps just as interestingly, do you have examples you can offer about yourself or other people on the topic and how passive aggression relates to addiction and recovery?

awuh1

I have a slightly different definition of passive aggressive behavior. For me it is the expression of hostility via inaction.

Some of what is described in Wikipedia e.g. hostile jokes, being "quarrelsome" etc. does not fit my definition because it involves action and is therefore not passive.

Aggression is aggression. The style of expression may vary but it's origin and intention are the same.

ReadyAtLast

good definition awuh.

For me,it's when someone is angry, resentful ,hostile towards another but doesn't say or do anything to them. There's obvsiously an issue but they don't voice it.having bad feelings towards your partner but not voicing them,just seething inwardly making it clear there's something wrong but not saying what the problem is.

"Negative feelings destroy and damage only yourself" (from WFS)

TKS

Of course, some view the term as grossly over-used psychobabble. Ask five counselors what the term means to them, and you'll likely get five different answers.

GracieLou

I think at times we can all have PA tendencies but it becomes an issue when the behavior repeats to the point that is how we deal with everyone and everything.

Some examples of passive aggression might be:

Non-Communication when there is clearly something problematic to discuss

Avoiding/Ignoring when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly

Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand

Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones

Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change

Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something

Ambiguity Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations

Sulking Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.

Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and their expectations

Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way

Fear of Intimacy Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship

Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for not doing things

Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one

Self-Pity the poor me scenario

Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.

Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party

Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a poor job of something for which they are often explicitly responsible


There is no verbal or physical aggression. My mother is PA. She displays all of these tendencies now or in the past. If it does get to the point that she has to break the trend because these actions are not working to her satisfaction then even her verbal words still follow these traits. Blaming others, self-pity and playing the victim.

The way I deal with it is to ignore it. Unless I get verbal communication then I leave it be. I can't control her or her actions, only my reaction. I spent years feeling guilt due to these expressions of PA behavior. I have broken this cycle.