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-   -   When do you start tellig people? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/304819-when-do-you-start-tellig-people.html)

Sheknits 08-20-2013 02:37 PM

When do you start tellig people?
 
I keep wanting to tell my sisters about my newfound sobriety, but my stomach turns at the thought and I can't do it.

Part of me is embarrassed, part of me thinks I can just use my stomach health issues as a really good excuse for not drinking when they ask, and part of me is afraid they will think I'm judging them for drinking.

Same goes for my parents, they are alcoholics too. Will they think that I'm judging them or that I think I'm better than them because I'm getting sober?

I'm so anxious about it.

Dee74 08-20-2013 02:48 PM

I told everyone LOL...but then I was a very public drunk by the end.

I would probably be a little more circumspect now - I'm not sure outside of a partner, or particularly close friends or family, that anyone really *needs* to know?

D

hypochondriac 08-20-2013 02:57 PM

Wait til you feel ready to tell them Andrea. I told family after a couple of sober months and it didn't help me. In the long run I am grateful for their support but it made things a bit difficult for a while, just because they doubted my need to be sober and it put a lot of doubt in my mind. I told very few friends and am only now feeling like I can be more open about it. What I learnt though is that it is much more important how I feel about it. When I was more confident in my sobriety it didn't matter what other people thought x

PippoRossi 08-20-2013 02:58 PM

Hi, Andrea - Today is my one year anniversary and you know who I've told this whole time? My husband, my best friend and a co-worker (I only shared the info with her today - I suspect she has a drinking problem, too). That's it. My mother doesn't even know. It's completely and totally up to you regarding who you want to tell. You owe NO ONE an explanation. Of course, that was my approach so, naturally, I think it should be everyone else's approach, too! ;-)

Sheknits 08-20-2013 02:59 PM


Originally Posted by hypochondriac (Post 4133733)
Wait til you feel ready to tell them Andrea. I told family after a couple of sober months and it didn't help me. In the long run I am grateful for their support but it made things a bit difficult for a while, just because they doubted my need to be sober and it put a lot of doubt in my mind. I told very few friends and am only now feeling like I can be more open about it. What I learnt though is that it is much more important how I feel about it. When I was more confident in my sobriety it didn't matter what other people thought x

This is it exactly! I'm certain they will make fun of me, tell me I'm being silly and that I'm not an alcoholic. And then I will doubt myself.

I would likely have to convince them as nobody knew the extent of my drinking. And I'm embarrassed to admit how much I actually drank.

Anna 08-20-2013 03:26 PM

I told no one at the time I stopped. And since then, only my husband and children know. I see no reason to tell anyone else because it's a very personal journey.

If you believe that your family will laugh and make fun of you, why on earth would you tell something that would give them ammunition to hurt you with? Just stay on track and focus on your recovery and allow people to see the changes in you.

DG0409 08-20-2013 05:38 PM

You only need to tell them when and if you feel comfortable doing so. I didn't tell anybody other than SR for the first while. And 4+ months later, only my bf and 3 of my family members know. (Two of whom were supportive and one of whom felt a need to explain why people should 'moderate'. I simply ignored the one who explained why people should moderate.)

If it's an issue of what will I tell them when I'm around them and they offer me alcohol, there are a million things you can say, like you said, you can tell them it makes your stomach hurt, tell them you don't want to wake-up hungover, tell them you're on a new diet, tell them you need to drive to the store later, show up with a bottle of juice, gatorade, water, etc. and tell them you already have something to drink. Is the kiddo in the avatar yours? You could tell them you want to set a good example for your child or children. Or simply, 'No thanks.'

fhl41 08-20-2013 06:07 PM

I told friends and family right away and kind of wished I hadn't as some of them told me they didn't think I had a problem (some still do). Hearing that didn't help my motiviation, luckily I was strong enough to disregard their comments and remember that they didn't see the whole picture.

DG0409 08-20-2013 06:13 PM

Kind of off topic, but fhl's post made me think of this. One thing that helped me to finally get sober was somebody telling me: "If you think you have a problem, then you probably do." It was like a light bulb went off in my head because it was like I was waiting for somebody to see what a mess I was and say something about it... but nobody did. I realized that I knew I was a mess and I needed to do something about it.

scintillady 08-20-2013 06:20 PM

Since I went to inpatient detox, I had to tell my DBF because we live together and he was taking me in there. I told my daughter because my DBF convinced me not to keep secrets from her, and I told my best friend. When an old boyfriend took me out to dinner I told him I didn't drink any more, and no details. He didn't pry. That was it. They were all glad for me because they could see what damage it was doing to me. Just last week I told a trusted coworker, but nobody else. I don't think you need to tell anyone you don't want to tell. I will say, though that telling people I don't drink any more helps me to stay sober, because I know they are watching me.

MTD 08-20-2013 06:21 PM

Nobody knows what extent the drinking has gotten. Only you know what terrible feelings you are experiencing so listen to you and nobody else. You are what matters in your journey of sobriety.

LadyBlue0527 08-20-2013 06:33 PM

Andreajp, do whatever it is that's necessary to keep your sobriety safe.

You obviously have some concerns about reactions. No harm in saying whatever you need to get past that. Eventually, they'll get it.

Happier 08-20-2013 06:55 PM

Almost have 13 months and my wife is the only one that knows that I quit and why. Even she and I really haven't talked about it much since the decision was made. I am sure plenty of others have noticed that I am not drinking anymore. Most never asked about it. The ones that did seemed satisfied when i simply told them that I was fine with diet coke :)

Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. Just be happy and keep the stress level on minimum. You'll know what to do if/when the time is right.

Sheknits 08-20-2013 07:00 PM

Thanks everyone! I feel much better about it. I will just avoid the topic and use excuses as need be.

My children are a huge motivator for me in my journey to sobriety. They are the best excuse I have to not drink, wish I would have realized it before now.

JumpnOn2 08-20-2013 07:09 PM

I'm with Anna. The first time I stopped a couple of friends asked if I had stopped drinking my response was" I just don't want to drink." and left it at that. And that was it.

Pete55 08-20-2013 07:34 PM

I found out later I should have kept quiet and let the change of my not drinking become obvious sooner or later.

I felt "challenged" and I felt they were putting bets on me that I will drink and make a fool of myself again.
I think they lost if they put on a bet !

When I am asked by those who don't know that I don't drink, I have a few appropriate replies I have picked up along the path of sobriety, one of those,
"no thanks, not drinking today", seems to work.
If I say, "no thanks, I don't drink", or "I don't drink anymore", I have seen the surprise look in their faces or the push for a drink, like, "aw c'mooon, one won't hurt you", type of thing.
I now try to avoid that scenario and if it gets too "hot in the kitchen", I exit the house...no one notices anyway.

Tamerua 08-20-2013 07:47 PM

I have only told my partner, my best friend and a coworker because he shared with me that he was in recovery a long time ago. I haven't told my sister and not sure I would... She had her own crap going on all the time.

People know I don't drink now.. Thought I would clarify. At work, I say that I'm off the sauce and then some pretend to faint... If asked, I say it is for my health which is 100% accurate.

Mountainmanbob 08-20-2013 07:50 PM

drinking wasn't working for me so I quit
 

Originally Posted by Andreajp (Post 4133687)

Will they think that I'm judging them or that I think I'm better than them because I'm getting sober?

I'm so anxious about it.

when it comes up easily

I would just say something like

drinking wasn't working for me so I quit

this might bring on some questions from them

such as

it seems not to be working for me lately either

how did you stop ?



if we make of it no big deal it will probably not be one



Mountainman

FeenixxRising 08-20-2013 10:25 PM

You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. If offered a drink you can just say no thanks, or I'm not drinking right now or whatever. You don't have to go into details--unless you feel you want to.

Vicki31 08-20-2013 10:54 PM

Thanks for your question I have been thinking the same thing.

I'm not sure why exactly but I know at the moment I just don't feel comfortable telling anyone about it.

This weekend coming we are having friends over - this will be a challenge as it is going to be the first time I will have been in a drinking situation since I quit.

I think on reading everyones replies I am just going to say I have a bad back (which I do) and I am taking painkillers that you cant drink with.

I dont like to tell an untruth but I know some of my friends will say oh one wont hurt etc if I say I'm on a diet or use some other excuse.


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