mtsfnjtv

Hi all, I am new to this site and new to recovery and I have a few issues to work out. I hooe I can get some helpful advice. I am 40 years old and have battled drug and alcogol problems since I was a little boy.
11 years ago I got married and left my past behind me, never sharing details with my new wife. We have had our issues the last few years and recently she threatened to throw me out. I didn't have a regular drinking problem but when I started I didn't stop until I passed out. After convincing her toet me stay and working on our marraige I coukd not hold back from sharing thatvthe last 4 years I have been using pills on a daily basis. I guess I never lost my addiction and it got progressively worse. I hid it well.
After I shared this info with her, she threw me out and I've been gone for 2 weeks and clean for 20 days now. I am 100% comitted to my sobriety and saving my marraige. But she won't even talk to me or understand what I am going thru or how sorry I truly am. I know I need to take care of myself but I also need her support. I know with her by my side I can stay clean. And I know I can do it alone too for me!.I'm tired of leading this life and miss my best friend.

Maestro

Good luck to you! I can't help but only offer support and good wishes to you. Maybe give her some time to calm down a bit?

pinkdog

Hi. I had to win back trust from some people too. Do this for yourself. In time, trust may be regained. Sobriety is best. Good work on getting sober. You can do it.

ZoeM

Hi. Just wondering if you have family / mutual friends who would act as a go between, if she won't talk to you herself?
You mention you've had issues between you over the past few years - do you think she's using your revelation as an excuse?

I agree, give her time to calm down

Pamel

Proof is needed. Do the best for yourself and the rest will come. Many hugs, I have been through this,

Dee74

Hi and welcome mtsfnjtv

one of the best things I ever heard here was from a friend of mine on the Family and Friends boards here: you don't get to set the timetable for my forgiveness.

Your wife needs time to process all this. You need time to work on your recovery as you main priority.

do this for yourself - get well...be the man you want to be...most people will notice and respond to that positively.

If you and your wife are meant to be together you will be - but don't force it. You have to have the faith and the courage to let go and just let things happen, I think.

D

Sasha4

Completely different situation to mine, but maybe similar advice or understanding of feelings.

When I found something out about my partner, that he had kept from me, I was hurt.
I felt like I did not know him.
I felt like I had shared my life with a stranger.
I could not bear to look at some photo's of us because at the time he was keeping that secret, and it all felt like a huge lie.

I felt panic stricken and I started to imagine the worse case scenario's and maybe thats what your wife is doing.
Maybe she has an mage of a drug addict and it's extreme and she thinks your going to end up like that and then where will she be left?

I think it's right to give he time and let the dust settle.
I totally agree with Dee in that it is not your call when your wife come's round to forgive you. She needs to do that in her time frame, as hard as that may be for you.

Actions are also important.
If she see's you doing 'things' about your addiction rather than just making statements and promises then that can only help too.

I really do wish you the best.
I hope you stick around here and post and read and understand.
Remember it probably will not all come together at once.

tootsl1

I knew that before I could work on my recovery properly I had to be open and honest with my husband. I had to consider the possibility that he would not stand by me, he had not chosen to marry a drunk after all. But I knew that my sobriety could not be dependent on whether or not he was there to help me, I had to get sober for myself, for my life, for my future. I admire and respect the courage it took you to be honest, and I truly hope things work out with your wife, but if they don't, you still have to work towards your own sober future. I was fortunate, but I don't take my blessing for granted, I am working every single day to maintain my sobriety and with it, my marriage.

mtsfnjtv

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know I need to give her time but that is the hard part. I also know I need to do this for me. So I will try to focus on that and allow the peices to fall where they may.
I will limit our conversations to the children and when and if she is ready she will reach out to me.

DG0409

You might read a bit in the Friends and Family section here to try to gain an understanding of what she is going through.

Way to go on 20 days sober!! Keep it up.