With all the best intention ....
 

Once again , drowning , literally. Every day I have the best intentions : gym , cook amazing dinner , do homework , be a normal mum. Beep beep here comes the drunk truck reversing into everything. So failed all those ideals, and subsequently failed taking pants off , having shower, saying goodnight lovely to my girls. With all the best intentions. My god I hate myself at this moment while at the same time knowing doing so is useless and gratuitous. Which feels like dear god am I not allowed anything ? So I'm back to the start :realising thinking and wonting won't make it happen. I had a major alcohol related health scare a few months ago ; I was happy Bc it meant I had to quit ! But no. Still awake at drinkers false dawn ; bed wet ; drinking the dregs. Face puffy , tounge coated ,counting the remaining fags. I want to be this sober me but can't face life as her. It seems insurmountable to not drink. It seems insurmountable to continue drinking. I know posting here and saying this means a cross road, big sigh,I just can't see my way to the other side. :dee

I used to ask myself "If I knew that the next drink would kill me, would I still take it?" It didn't have to be immediate, but simply the one that pushed me over that invisible line to catch up with me some years later. I always had a haunting feeling that the answer would be yes. Scary stuff.

For me, I have to simplify and slow down the pace of my transformation. I need to simply focus on not drinking for the day. That is all. I need to avoid overwhelming myself with a plan for exercise, diet, meditation, writing, playtime, cleaning...there would be time for all that after I get sober. That's just me.

Sorry to read about your continuing struggle, Seiceps. You once wrote in a post, the way to quit drinking was to go into the hospital.

There are other ways to quit and recover. Have to tried any? And if not, are you finally open to trying them?

Good luck.

Cheers jazz. I've had some pretty major **** to deal with this year. And I know that's the answer one bloody day at a time. At the moment I can do one day or two days I just can't do 7 or 5. And that's what I'm concentrating on. Gotta get back to just one. And another. The bad self talk is constant. I need to find a way to shut it out. Ideas?

A favorite phrase of mine is "better is better" which remind that any little change that is an improvement moves me in the direction I want to go. It is especially helpful for me to remember that change takes time. In early sobriety, I think there is a tendency to want to immediately get to where we are going (which is the same mindset that makes drinking so appealing, immediate gratification). I want to correct all the mistakes I made in the past, but I find that distract from doing what is right in the here and now.

I also find it useful to set goals and remember that I must forgo short-term pleasures to achieve long-term goals. I will set a goal of not drinking for x number of days and the focus on achieving the goal. I do not focus on struggling on staying sober, but rather on doing what is needed to reach my goal. It is a bit of a mind trick, but it works for me.

I read a lot if times on here that once you stop and start again you get back to that bad place pretty quick. I'm back. I just can't stand the noise in my head ! But it seems my kids are all I've got. Gotta do this for them. But how ? At the moment were pretending but I can't end up in hospital again.

Ah, parenting and alcoholism make a lovely pair, don't they? I think it really has to be for you first and being a better parent will be great outcome.

Many people do find themselves back to their old drinking habits or worse after a relapse, BUT it isn't necessary. You can stop a relapse at any point, even after just one sip.

Thank you I struggle with the sane thing. My aunt always says to me my ideas are so big I've got the fleet of trucks before I've got one. Yeah. I want the end result not tge work. I'm not afraid of hard work , so I say / think but maybe I am ? Bc this will be my biggest job. Says she : mother of twins !

It's said that when you stop drinking, then pick it up again, you restart in the same place you left off, or worse. There is also a syndrome called "kindling", that says that every time you quit, the severity of your withdrawal gets worse.

I was a drinker when my kids were young too, and I hated myself so much for it. There is no easy answer, and it sounds like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, and that's the starting point for the trip to a sober life. It won't be easy, but it can be done. You sound young and I bet you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just take it one day at a time. You can do this!

I am young ( ish ) I am strong. I know this is what everyone sees / believes of me. I'm resilient ; I'm smart ;I'm talented and I'm still ok looking. 😜I'm just broken inside. I have had my fair share of injustice. But no more thana parent less child growing up caring for a younger one on a rubbish heap in India. I've got western ideals malady. Lol. I know that my life is ok. I know I'm in the top percentile of lucky people. I live in New Zealand. By the beach , I have beautiful , healthy , talented twin daughters. I know. But it's never enough. For that I feel guilty. And actually kinda wishi lived a more subsistence based lifestyle. Does that sound weird ? I just figure if my time was taken up foraging and surviving I wouldn't have time for news and politics and self examination !!!!!!

I'm glad to see you on here ceps. You say you can get through a day or 2 sober but a weeks a different story. For me, I had to commit to not drinking no matter what just one day at a time. I know it may sound sinple and obviously it's not. I guess when we are truly ready & have had it we do it. In the beginning you just have to fight through the discomfort. Being sober eventually starts to feel like the norm but it just takes time. I wish you the best & hope you stick around here :)

Hey 79. Long time no see. Ok. Ill stick around. I find the greatest comfort is just actually saying all that **** in my head !!!!! Thx heaps cxx

I guess for all of us drinking seems integral.

Kia Ora Seiceps :)

"I've got western ideals malady. Lol. I know that my life is ok. I know I'm in the top percentile of lucky people. I live in New Zealand. By the beach , I have beautiful , healthy , talented twin daughters. I know. But it's never enough. For that I feel guilty. "

Guilt is such a horrible feeling. Instead of feeling terrible, try this for 5 days in a row:
Make a point, at least twice a day - morning and evening, to make a mental list on the spot, of all the wonderful things you are blessed with in life. You started a great one there. Keep on adding to the list (The sun is particularly warm today, I haven't heard that bird in a while- how lucky am I to be able to hear it!) until you feel like you are 10 feet tall.
That glow might not last all day, but it might carry you for a few hours. :)

Kia Ora

Hi, Seicepes! I understand about the big dreams. I tend to dream big too and get lost in the planning only to watch all the small, truly important things in my life fall by the wayside. I think the important thing is to concentrate each day on what you need to do right then to make your short term goals happen. Do what you need to do, not what you want to do. Sometimes your needs and wants are the same and that's great! Sometimes they don't so what you ought to do then is focus on the needs. You'll get to do the wants onces your needs are met.

Getting sober for your kids is a great idea but i would really recommend that you get sober for you. Laying your desire for sobriety on your kid's shoulders is a lot for them, even if they don't know you're doing that. If you get sober for you, sobriety becomes the most important thing in the world. More important than your marriage or kids. Sounds crazy and selfish, right? Think about this, if you put your kids above your sobriety, then you're saying that it's okay to drink as long as the children's needs are met. But is that true? Can you drink and be the mom they deserve? If your sobriety comes first then your life shifts to a new focus. If there's a conflict between your kid's needs and your sobriety, sobriety comes first because if you're sober you can have a healthy relationship with your children. It may seem cruel to ask them to sacrifice for your sobriety but most children would rather have a sober mum than having every little wish fulfilled. Also, you're better able to problem solve and meet their needs if you're sober.

Check out the daily support thread for moms and mums. The ladies there will have a lot of good advice for you on how to juggle sobriety and motherhood.

Intentions are great Seiceps - but until I backed them up with action they were pretty ephemeral.

you and your kids deserve better.

Maybe it's time to do something concrete and tangible for your recovery now? a support group, counselling, rehab?

D

Thanks guys. Dee I've got a voucher for councelling I'm calling them today. Grits ,I've read many of yr posts and empathise. I think what you say about the kids is great. Mine are 12 now and starting to vocalise how much they hate me being like this. I think they would sacrifice a lot to get the mum they know I want / can be. And yes paranting and alcoholism sux , yet go hand in hand.my aunt always told me I need to put my wellness above the girls as without me they have nothing. It's a hard concept to wrap yr head around and requires letting go of all egocentric martyrish ideas. We are always taught the opposite. I don't want to see their disrespect and hurt anymore. I've worked long and hard in these two girls for 12 plus yrs.

it's the old mothers and oxygen masks on the airplane thing Seiceps....
if something goes wrong you put your oxygen mask on first so you can help your little ones...

it was counter intuitive to the way I ran things too, but it makes perfect sense to me now :)

D

Seiceps ~ I want to send you the biggest virtual hug ever.

Called the councelling dee !