Newbie with an AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
Newbie with an AH
I live with my "high-functioning" AH (51 yrs old; I am 45). Married 11, together 15. I cannot recall the exact time when the drinking started to become a problem because in the early years, we hardly ever had alcohol in the house.
My AH also suffers from depression and is on Prozac & Wellbutrin and takes Tradezone to help him sleep at night. He is also on two forms of high blood pressure medication as well as medication for high cholesterol. I have advised his doctor about his drinking and really don't understand why he doesn't take any steps to help my AH instead he advises him how to keep his triglyceride levels down by abstaining from alcohol for so many days before he takes his blood test so the doctor can have proof he can continue on his current medication. I just don't get it. I thought doctors were supposed to help people.
He has a really good job with really good benefits. He uses alcohol as his "reward" for working so hard. He pretty much only drinks at home so I am the only one that gets the brunt of his behavior. However, he drinks before he goes places to prevent him from drinking at events which generally doesn't really work. He can curb his drinking though to be able to drive home safely if he is out. If we do go someplace where drinking is involved, because he knows my disdain for his drinking, he will cut back but will also not be very social and always wants to leave early.
He also drinks from his job to home which is about a 1/2 hour drive. He stops at the gas station and must pick up beer/whiskey and drink it on his way home. I never see him drink unless we are in a social setting which we usually don't do anymore because he knows I don't like his drinking. He only seems to have fun when he is drinking. He only seems to be happy, in general, when he is drinking. When he is at work, I believe he puts on a different persona than when he is with me.
I have given him ultimatiums in the past and most recently this July. He won't go into treatment but he is seeing his 3rd AODA counselor. I think he is not telling him the truth because the counselor hasn't suggested treatment and he only sees him every other week and I know eventually he will stop altogether and we will go right back to where we were. I am in counseling too and group therapy. I asked him last night if I could go with him to his appointment this week and he said he didn't think his counselor would do that but would check with him.
I think we have both emotionally detached from each other. He says he drinks because it makes him feel good and because I don't do things he expects me to do like give him compliments, work out, have sex, be affectionate, etc. I have been given a list of things that I have to do in order for him to "cut back" (not stop) drinking. In the past I had done all these things and it didn't work. These are all things that are hard to do with an active alcoholic.
We also don't have anything in common anymore according to him. He said he only did all the things we did before his drinking became out of control to "get" me that he didn't enjoy them at the time. He just did them for me. (Going to movies, taking our Harleys out for rides, going to see bands, going by my parents place up north or his parents place up north, going on adventures like taking our motorcycles around the state or taking road trips). We don't do anything together anymore besides maybe watch tv or go to breakfast on the weekend because he generally isn't available to go to dinner.
I just feel like he is angry with me all the time and I have gotten past the anger. I am more calm in conversations and feel like I have put all my effort in this relationship but am getting nothing in return besides financial stability. I am so close to just being done. He doesn't see what his drinking has done to our relationship. He only sees me as the b**** who is trying to take away his pacifier. It is so very sad to see the decline in a person and to feel the disappointment and know there is nothing more I can do and that he needs to decide how he wants to live. I am working on myself more, doing what I want to do and learning to let go of his addiction but in that, it also includes letting go of him and who he used to be, because he isn't that person anymore.
Thanks for letting me share.
My AH also suffers from depression and is on Prozac & Wellbutrin and takes Tradezone to help him sleep at night. He is also on two forms of high blood pressure medication as well as medication for high cholesterol. I have advised his doctor about his drinking and really don't understand why he doesn't take any steps to help my AH instead he advises him how to keep his triglyceride levels down by abstaining from alcohol for so many days before he takes his blood test so the doctor can have proof he can continue on his current medication. I just don't get it. I thought doctors were supposed to help people.
He has a really good job with really good benefits. He uses alcohol as his "reward" for working so hard. He pretty much only drinks at home so I am the only one that gets the brunt of his behavior. However, he drinks before he goes places to prevent him from drinking at events which generally doesn't really work. He can curb his drinking though to be able to drive home safely if he is out. If we do go someplace where drinking is involved, because he knows my disdain for his drinking, he will cut back but will also not be very social and always wants to leave early.
He also drinks from his job to home which is about a 1/2 hour drive. He stops at the gas station and must pick up beer/whiskey and drink it on his way home. I never see him drink unless we are in a social setting which we usually don't do anymore because he knows I don't like his drinking. He only seems to have fun when he is drinking. He only seems to be happy, in general, when he is drinking. When he is at work, I believe he puts on a different persona than when he is with me.
I have given him ultimatiums in the past and most recently this July. He won't go into treatment but he is seeing his 3rd AODA counselor. I think he is not telling him the truth because the counselor hasn't suggested treatment and he only sees him every other week and I know eventually he will stop altogether and we will go right back to where we were. I am in counseling too and group therapy. I asked him last night if I could go with him to his appointment this week and he said he didn't think his counselor would do that but would check with him.
I think we have both emotionally detached from each other. He says he drinks because it makes him feel good and because I don't do things he expects me to do like give him compliments, work out, have sex, be affectionate, etc. I have been given a list of things that I have to do in order for him to "cut back" (not stop) drinking. In the past I had done all these things and it didn't work. These are all things that are hard to do with an active alcoholic.
We also don't have anything in common anymore according to him. He said he only did all the things we did before his drinking became out of control to "get" me that he didn't enjoy them at the time. He just did them for me. (Going to movies, taking our Harleys out for rides, going to see bands, going by my parents place up north or his parents place up north, going on adventures like taking our motorcycles around the state or taking road trips). We don't do anything together anymore besides maybe watch tv or go to breakfast on the weekend because he generally isn't available to go to dinner.
I just feel like he is angry with me all the time and I have gotten past the anger. I am more calm in conversations and feel like I have put all my effort in this relationship but am getting nothing in return besides financial stability. I am so close to just being done. He doesn't see what his drinking has done to our relationship. He only sees me as the b**** who is trying to take away his pacifier. It is so very sad to see the decline in a person and to feel the disappointment and know there is nothing more I can do and that he needs to decide how he wants to live. I am working on myself more, doing what I want to do and learning to let go of his addiction but in that, it also includes letting go of him and who he used to be, because he isn't that person anymore.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Welcome to SR.
Forget about his list of things- nothing you can do will make him 'cut back' on drinking. He's the only one that can do anything about his drinking and it doesn't sound like he cares to do so.
I think you're on the right track working on you and doing the things that you want to do.
Like Dee, I'd recommend taking a look around the section here for Friends and Family. You'll find lots of others with similar stories. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Forget about his list of things- nothing you can do will make him 'cut back' on drinking. He's the only one that can do anything about his drinking and it doesn't sound like he cares to do so.
I think you're on the right track working on you and doing the things that you want to do.
Like Dee, I'd recommend taking a look around the section here for Friends and Family. You'll find lots of others with similar stories. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 23
Thanks for your responses. I have been following this site for a while now. I found it by googling various words and ended up seeing a thread. Ever since then I come here for comfort. Alanon didn't give me all that I needed. I didn't like not getting any feedback. It is possible I just didn't find the right meeting. But I am in individual therapy as well as group therapy with others who are affected by addiction. This seems to help me focus more on myself and gain more strength. I get lots of feedback from my counselor and the others in my group struggling with family members who are addicts. However, Alanon did give me some very good tools and I have their "daily" books to reflect on each day. Alanon did help me realize his drinking was never my fault no matter how hard he tries to blame me for it. It still is daily struggle. He pretty much ignores me at home because I express my feelings about his drinking and I shouldn't do that because it hurts his feelings. What about my feelings? We tried marriage counseling for 6 months last year and we got nowhere. The counselor said until he got help for his alcohol dependence, he really couldn't see anything changing and he was certainly right.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
