hrich1122

I was doing amazing. I enrolled in outpatient treatment and was attending AA. I felt AMAZING for 45 days. No urge to drink even though absolutley EVERYTHING in my life was a disaster. I have nothing and noone around me. Its all gone. And some how, I still felt powerful. And then, I found out about my mother, who is close to passing from chirrosis, and I lost it. I called everyone I could. And noone answered. I called the one person closest to me...my husband. And of course, because of other life issues, he COULDNT answer and talk to me. I fell. I fell HARD. I felt like I was losing everyone I love. So why fight any longer. It took two weeks of struggling to get back up. But I finally managed to. So here I am now, lost everyones trust again. I feel like everyone views me as a monster. Im alone. I dont understand how I allowed this to happen. I now feel like any glimmer of hope I had to make ammends with my close relationships are now gone because of this. No one has faith in my ability to stay stopped any more.
Ive spoken to my addiction specialist about this, learned about relapse and the process of it. And, what Ive found is, If relapse is a process and weighs on emotions, WHAT could I have done to prevent this? Im back to attending AA and have a sponser to work the steps with.
Starting over is the most discouraging feeling ever. and feeling like you can never rebuild trust is heartbreaking. I hate this!!!!

ScottFromWI

You can always rebuild Hrich. And don't forget that there is always someone here too - log on if you can't find anyone locally and try the forums or even chat for a more immediate response. You are doing the right thing - Don't let up on the AA meetings if they were working. You say you are "back to attending" - had you quit for a while? That could be part of the reason, it's easy to think we are somehow better and slack off on our plan.

hypochondriac

It sounds like you are pretty aware of why this happened Hrich. Now you just need to do something different next time. Even though none of your AA buddies answered you could have come here and talked to someone at any time of day. Don't let this slip drag you down. 45 days was an awesome achievement and I am sure you will stick at it this time x

soberhawk

I am sorry about your mother and I am sorry you are going through this on top.

I agree with Scot, you can rebuild.

Take care.

Coldfusion

Howdy, H

I would suggest working Step 1 really, really well. You are powerless to prevent these things from happening.

It seems that you are taking the right steps towards recovery. Keep trudging that road!

Best wishes,

∞CF

LoneJakalope

I think the hardest part is relearning to trust yourself. Once you get past that, anything is possible. Good luck hrich.

Eleni58

Please don't feel bad or beat yourself up. Just the fact that your mother is close to passing and you choose to take the sober path throughout these trying times tells me a lot! You ARE amazing and STRONG!

PippoRossi

I'm sorry you are going through this, hrich. Please know that you are absolutely, positively NOT alone. We are here for you. Always.

Hevyn

Hrich - I agree that you can always rebuild. Memories fade and you can rise above the bad things that happened.

I'm sorry about your mother and the pain that is causing. Remember that getting numb doesn't really help us - we just think it does. Facing our emotions and dealing with them is the only way. It took me a lifetime to figure that out. You are among friends here - please share when you're feeling hopeless. We know you can get back your sober time and never return to hell. I'm glad you posted about what happened - hope it helps.

neferkamichael

Hrich, so sorry to hear about your mother, but defintely something that would make you go back out and use. Addiction is so powerful, anything and everything is a trigger. Yes, 45 days is amazing, so you know you can do it. Just start again, it's all you can do. Rootin for ya.

LadyinBC

Please do not get discouraged. You aren't the only person to relapse and you won't be the last. The important thing is that you learned something from it.

You have 45 days sober that no one not even you can take away from you. Focus on what kept you going for those days.

Serenity1972

I am glad you managed to get back up and try again. We have faith in you that you can remain sober. You had 45 days and that is huge. You can definitely regain trust. It will just take time. The same goes with abstaining from picking up that first drink. It takes practice, patience, and persistence.

I am sorry to hear about your Mom. I totally lost it when my mother passed away suddenly (not due to alcoholism). It kept me drinking for 8 years. I now know that wasn't the way to handle the grief I had inside. I am still mourning her loss to this day as I used to just numb the pain inside of a bottle. I am now slowly coming to peace with her death with a clear head/mind.

Best Wishes.

hrich1122

Thanks everyone. Its amazing how the feeling of defeat can completley take over you.

hrich1122

Alcoh has given me a great taste of what hell is like. I truely wish this upon noone.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your struggle hrich and for the news about your mom.

I'm glad you're back and fighting tho - maybe you learned a lesson from all this that will help in future?

D

hrich1122

I've certianly learned that trying to numb really makes it all worse. Ill never be normal. I can never have a drink again. The destruction it causes is so devastating. This is it for me. In 25 years I don't want my children to be where I am now both with my addiction and with my mother dying from hers. There's absolutely no looking back at this point... one foot in front of the other...