Big challenge tomorrow night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,742
Big challenge tomorrow night
About five years ago, I met a group of people I truly admire and want to be like. I was in the depths of my drinking (well the depths lasted about 15 years so... yeah I was just doing the usual) and I lacked so much confidence. I really wanted these people to become contemporaries, and I'd go to these semi weekly meetings where they were all working and having sort of a salon. I mean, these people were/are my heroes and I held them up so high. I felt so small and incompetent. I pushed myself to go to these salons because the fact that I was even invited was such a fluke. I always try to seize opportunities. But I sabotaged it. Every week something horrid came out of my mouth. I felt like everyone could feel me sticking out. I was too afraid to work because I was terrified someone would ask me about myself or what I was doing, and I always pushed attention away. I just wanted to melt into the walls or the couch or into someone's pocket. I'd get drunk. I knew it was brave to go, but I knew I wasn't myself. I sabotaged. I didn't make many friends. It was like a bad dream. I stopped going.
So, a few years later, I have an opportunity to go again. Tomorrow night. Tonight I made sure that I have something to work on, I plan on bringing a snack, not drinks. I have emailed the host so that I don't feel like I'm just showing up as a random fan/novice out of nowhere.
I swear, no social situation intimidates me more than this. I did not get away with all my smoke and mirrors last time, so I know I have no choice but to be myself this time. I'm tremendously nervous. At the same time I feel happy and excited at another chance. There just might be some people there who remember me from... before.
That scares me because these folks aren't my 'friends...' I have a few acquaintances. But I'm totally flying solo. I just have myself and my work. And that's it.
I always seem to botch these things or come off as bitchy or socially awkward. I guess I am definitely the latter... I used to drink to help with that but obviously it wasn't working anymore and I quit.
I know I'm completely rambling. I'm just facing something big
Thanks for reading... I like having a place to put these thoughts
Plenny
So, a few years later, I have an opportunity to go again. Tomorrow night. Tonight I made sure that I have something to work on, I plan on bringing a snack, not drinks. I have emailed the host so that I don't feel like I'm just showing up as a random fan/novice out of nowhere.
I swear, no social situation intimidates me more than this. I did not get away with all my smoke and mirrors last time, so I know I have no choice but to be myself this time. I'm tremendously nervous. At the same time I feel happy and excited at another chance. There just might be some people there who remember me from... before.
That scares me because these folks aren't my 'friends...' I have a few acquaintances. But I'm totally flying solo. I just have myself and my work. And that's it.
I always seem to botch these things or come off as bitchy or socially awkward. I guess I am definitely the latter... I used to drink to help with that but obviously it wasn't working anymore and I quit.
I know I'm completely rambling. I'm just facing something big
Thanks for reading... I like having a place to put these thoughts
Plenny
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Plenny.
It's great that you've stopped drinking, and that you've found the benefits of sobriety.
I'm left wondering why you'd want to go to a place where you feel so socially awkward?
Revering people is great. I have my heroes as well, a couple of whom comment on these forums. But they're my heroes because I feel good about myself, not because their company makes me feel better about who I am, although I'm certain that's part of it.
Not feeling at all good about myself -- when I'm drinking -- has moved me to make bad decisions and brought me to bad places in my life.
It's great that you've stopped drinking, and that you've found the benefits of sobriety.
I'm left wondering why you'd want to go to a place where you feel so socially awkward?
Revering people is great. I have my heroes as well, a couple of whom comment on these forums. But they're my heroes because I feel good about myself, not because their company makes me feel better about who I am, although I'm certain that's part of it.
Not feeling at all good about myself -- when I'm drinking -- has moved me to make bad decisions and brought me to bad places in my life.
Originally Posted by Plenny 
About five years ago, I met a group of people I truly admire and want to be like. I was in the depths of my drinking (well the depths lasted about 15 years so... yeah I was just doing the usual) and I lacked so much confidence. I really wanted these people to become contemporaries, and I'd go to these semi weekly meetings where they were all working and having sort of a salon. I mean, these people were/are my heroes and I held them up so high. I felt so small and incompetent. I pushed myself to go to these salons because the fact that I was even invited was such a fluke. I always try to seize opportunities. But I sabotaged it. Every week something horrid came out of my mouth. I felt like everyone could feel me sticking out. I was too afraid to work because I was terrified someone would ask me about myself or what I was doing, and I always pushed attention away. I just wanted to melt into the walls or the couch or into someone's pocket. I'd get drunk. I knew it was brave to go, but I knew I wasn't myself. I sabotaged. I didn't make many friends. It was like a bad dream. I stopped going.
So, a few years later, I have an opportunity to go again. Tomorrow night. Tonight I made sure that I have something to work on, I plan on bringing a snack, not drinks. I have emailed the host so that I don't feel like I'm just showing up as a random fan/novice out of nowhere.
I swear, no social situation intimidates me more than this. I did not get away with all my smoke and mirrors last time, so I know I have no choice but to be myself this time. I'm tremendously nervous. At the same time I feel happy and excited at another chance. There just might be some people there who remember me from... before.
That scares me because these folks aren't my 'friends...' I have a few acquaintances. But I'm totally flying solo. I just have myself and my work. And that's it.
I always seem to botch these things or come off as bitchy or socially awkward. I guess I am definitely the latter... I used to drink to help with that but obviously it wasn't working anymore and I quit.
I know I'm completely rambling. I'm just facing something big
Thanks for reading... I like having a place to put these thoughts
Plenny
So, a few years later, I have an opportunity to go again. Tomorrow night. Tonight I made sure that I have something to work on, I plan on bringing a snack, not drinks. I have emailed the host so that I don't feel like I'm just showing up as a random fan/novice out of nowhere.
I swear, no social situation intimidates me more than this. I did not get away with all my smoke and mirrors last time, so I know I have no choice but to be myself this time. I'm tremendously nervous. At the same time I feel happy and excited at another chance. There just might be some people there who remember me from... before.
That scares me because these folks aren't my 'friends...' I have a few acquaintances. But I'm totally flying solo. I just have myself and my work. And that's it.
I always seem to botch these things or come off as bitchy or socially awkward. I guess I am definitely the latter... I used to drink to help with that but obviously it wasn't working anymore and I quit.
I know I'm completely rambling. I'm just facing something big
Thanks for reading... I like having a place to put these thoughts
Plenny
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
You know, most of the time, people are concentrating on the same thing you were in the past...themselves! They think about what THEY said, what THEY did. Sometimes its hard to even remember other people's responses, because you are to busy thinking about what you said or did. So go, enjoy yourself, be friendly and positive. Listen to others (everyone loves to be listened to!), and stop thinking that everyone is paying that much attention to everything that comes out of your mouth...they're thinking too much about what's coming out of theirs. You'll be fine.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey Plenny...glad you posted. Not sure what these "salon people" do but I hope you admire them for something worthy of your admiration. Like I hope it's the "good stuff" know what I mean? For me, sobriety is all about getting used to my awkward self in the sober skin I'm in. It's pretty much the only way I'm going to stay sober. Sometimes I do things just to see how my "sober self" fares cuz I feel like I'm learning how to walk all over again. I figure if I bring "me" to the situation and it's a disaster well, I guess maybe it's not a place to bring me : ) I will just leave and convince myself they're the arseholes : P I know one time not too long ago on sober road I was really looking forward to attending something and getting myself all anxious about it (it actually really threatened my sobriety)...until I finally had a word with myself and said "give yourself permission to have a lousy time....you've had plenty of those when you were drinking ya know".
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi Plenny
Am I right in thinking this is some sort of work networking event? If so, I understand you feel the need to go if it is for work reasons. If it isn't work reasons then is going a good idea? You have nothing to prove to these people,no matter how much you admire them.
If you do go I agree with longbeach-people are usually too busy worrying about themselves to worry about you. just smile, be pleasant,ask questions and mingle.DON't drink
Am I right in thinking this is some sort of work networking event? If so, I understand you feel the need to go if it is for work reasons. If it isn't work reasons then is going a good idea? You have nothing to prove to these people,no matter how much you admire them.
If you do go I agree with longbeach-people are usually too busy worrying about themselves to worry about you. just smile, be pleasant,ask questions and mingle.DON't drink
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
This sounds like a good opportunity Plenny. How long have you been sober? I know there were many occasions where I felt like my drinking stopped me from fitting in or achieving things I wanted. The drinking was a huge barrier for me in all aspects of my life. I always had in the back of my mind that it wouldn't be like this if I was sober. It is very freeing to know that you are acting just as you and not influenced by your addiction. I have learnt stuff too. There were some things I thought I wanted when I was drinking which I found I didn't want sober. That surprised me a lot. I hope this one lives up to your expectations x
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Frankly doesn't sound like much fun if it's going to make you anxious and miserable. Recovery, especially early recovery, means making a lot of changes in your life. Big changes. Maybe this is one of those changes, deciding who you want to be in other peoples' eyes...and who you want to be in your eyes.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,742
Hey guys,
I fell asleep so I woke up to all your responses!
I'm an artist. I was referring to an artist's salon, but it's a bit of a pretentious description. I wasn't clearer because I'm still nervous that someone will know who I am hahaha.
I suffer from crippling self-esteem issues. I have a horrible tendency to deny myself the things I truly want. Hence the sabotaging in the past and the feelings of intimidation by people I truly admire.
Sometimes, when fate places me exactly where I need to be, with who I need to meet, I wreck it. I used to be very drunk, had only experience being in a bar setting, and could not function normally in other social settings.
For years I crammed my artistic tendencies back inside because I 'don't deserve what other people have,' 'no one likes me,' 'I am an imposter, pretending to be an artist,' etc.
My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic. She ran our household of mostly women like a high school clique. I was the scapegoat, and the competition in her eyes. I have been unraveling her damage for years and it has stopped me from having many things that I want.
Tonight is one of the things that I want, and I have a second chance after pretty much wrecking it last time. Not all As get a second chance. I got this one. It brings up a lot of self-esteem related issues.
I hope I was a little clearer this time.
I fell asleep so I woke up to all your responses!
I'm an artist. I was referring to an artist's salon, but it's a bit of a pretentious description. I wasn't clearer because I'm still nervous that someone will know who I am hahaha.
I suffer from crippling self-esteem issues. I have a horrible tendency to deny myself the things I truly want. Hence the sabotaging in the past and the feelings of intimidation by people I truly admire.
Sometimes, when fate places me exactly where I need to be, with who I need to meet, I wreck it. I used to be very drunk, had only experience being in a bar setting, and could not function normally in other social settings.
For years I crammed my artistic tendencies back inside because I 'don't deserve what other people have,' 'no one likes me,' 'I am an imposter, pretending to be an artist,' etc.
My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic. She ran our household of mostly women like a high school clique. I was the scapegoat, and the competition in her eyes. I have been unraveling her damage for years and it has stopped me from having many things that I want.
Tonight is one of the things that I want, and I have a second chance after pretty much wrecking it last time. Not all As get a second chance. I got this one. It brings up a lot of self-esteem related issues.
I hope I was a little clearer this time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,742
Originally Posted by longbeachone
You know, most of the time, people are concentrating on the same thing you were in the past...themselves! They think about what THEY said, what THEY did. Sometimes its hard to even remember other people's responses, because you are to busy thinking about what you said or did. So go, enjoy yourself, be friendly and positive. Listen to others (everyone loves to be listened to!), and stop thinking that everyone is paying that much attention to everything that comes out of your mouth...they're thinking too much about what's coming out of theirs. You'll be fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,742
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Hey Plenny...glad you posted. Not sure what these "salon people" do but I hope you admire them for something worthy of your admiration. Like I hope it's the "good stuff" know what I mean? For me, sobriety is all about getting used to my awkward self in the sober skin I'm in. It's pretty much the only way I'm going to stay sober. Sometimes I do things just to see how my "sober self" fares cuz I feel like I'm learning how to walk all over again. I figure if I bring "me" to the situation and it's a disaster well, I guess maybe it's not a place to bring me : ) I will just leave and convince myself they're the arseholes : P I know one time not too long ago on sober road I was really looking forward to attending something and getting myself all anxious about it (it actually really threatened my sobriety)...until I finally had a word with myself and said "give yourself permission to have a lousy time....you've had plenty of those when you were drinking ya know".
Thank you for your advice
It can't be worse than it was when I used to show up drunk
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Ahhhh - visual artists!
Boy, I remember the days in college when I was working in the visual fine arts. Every creative field seems to have a different vibe - and subgroups within those fields as well.
The painters would have a vibe different than the sculptors and they in turn had a different vibe than printmakers.
I wouldn't worry too much about what others think about you. Will others judge you? Sure! Everybody judges everybody. You're judging them - you give them waaaaay too much importance. that's a game that folks play and you can just float through that game if you don't take it too seriously.
Have some fun!
Boy, I remember the days in college when I was working in the visual fine arts. Every creative field seems to have a different vibe - and subgroups within those fields as well.
The painters would have a vibe different than the sculptors and they in turn had a different vibe than printmakers.
I wouldn't worry too much about what others think about you. Will others judge you? Sure! Everybody judges everybody. You're judging them - you give them waaaaay too much importance. that's a game that folks play and you can just float through that game if you don't take it too seriously.
Have some fun!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,742
Hey everyone your advice echoed in my mind as I rode my bike to this event. I had been anticipating and fearing this night for like three years, since the last time I went.
I had a great time!! I loved being sober there. I bought myself a special, fancy, spicy ginger ale and enjoyed it while I worked on my drawings and listened to conversation, chiming in once in a while. I liked the people there, and genuinely felt positive reciprocation, it's been a long time since I felt that!
I'm trying to make new friends that aren't just bar friends.
I did go to a bar after to see some bar friends and had a less special ginger ale. But that was ok too. But surprisingly more labored than the art thing I had been dreading.
So there. Thanks everyone for the support and strength it was a big deal for me to go to something like that without drinking...
I had a great time!! I loved being sober there. I bought myself a special, fancy, spicy ginger ale and enjoyed it while I worked on my drawings and listened to conversation, chiming in once in a while. I liked the people there, and genuinely felt positive reciprocation, it's been a long time since I felt that!
I'm trying to make new friends that aren't just bar friends.
I did go to a bar after to see some bar friends and had a less special ginger ale. But that was ok too. But surprisingly more labored than the art thing I had been dreading.
So there. Thanks everyone for the support and strength it was a big deal for me to go to something like that without drinking...
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