Lyricchi

I drank today. I haven't in few months, but yet I wasn't sober even a few months ago. I threw my 2.5 yrs sobriety away almost a year ago, on what I thought was a whim, but now I see I had been on the road to drinking again for at least half a year prior. When I was recovering, and active in the program, AAs would always allude to former AAs who went back out and how hard it was to get back in. I always imagined it being hard because of the physical addiction, the wear and tear on the body and mind - I wasn't even thinking about the shame.

I don't want to drink anymore. I've played cat and mouse for too long, wondering 'am I really an alcoholic?'. I am an alcoholic. No matter that I only drank six beers today or before that, hadn't drank for two months - I am an alcoholic because of what it does to me and how my mind obsesses over it.. how I've been planning this drink for days.. how I lie to everyone around me to get what I think I want.

I'm writing this for me, really. I need to read this tomorrow when my addiction tells me it wasn't that big a deal. Like it's normal to lie, sneak, and drink alone, downing a six-pack in a half hour. It is not normal, at least not for me.

No matter how scared I am this time tomorrow, I am going back to AA. Thank you for hearing me, and, even though you don't even mean it, for holding me accountable.

Mirage74

AA never gives up on anyone, so they say. So long as you are honest, they will understand. We are alcoholics, drinking is what we do. It's good you realize it doesn't get any better. Tomorrow is a new day, you can start again. Good luck

hayley86

You sound very determined to get well. Good for you for having the strength to go back and try again. Wishing you the best of luck.

longbeachone

Sobriety is rarely a straight road. Instead it's a twisted pathway, with many turns and forks in the road, some leading the correct way, some heading right back to drinking or using again. When you find you've taken a wrong turn, don't just keep driving! You will get farther and farther from your destination...Sobriety. If you make a wrong turn, the most important thing is to get back to the main road as quickly as possible. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you'll never get back on track...of course you will, if you take immediate action to turn back in the right direction.

DylanS

Hi Lyricchi,

I really relate to your post. I was sober a while and drifted away and it's taken a long time to get back.

Kudos for the quick turn-around - let us know how it goes tomorrow at your meeting, eh?