The POWER of the AV and why you MUST have a PLAN
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
The POWER of the AV and why you MUST have a PLAN
Hi All,
I've struggled with ever admitting this ever, to anyone. There are very few people who know about it but if it even helps one person it's worth it. The power of the AV (addictive voice) is all encompassing. If what I did could be hidden and squelched in the depths of my mind by the AV it's testimony to why it should not be taken lightly, nor with the attitude of dealing with it when the time comes.
Years ago I was married to a chronic alcoholic. My own drinking was horrific at that time, seven days a week and close to the loss of my job. This is the point in my life where I passed the doorway of wanting to drink and needing to drink.
There were fights between my husband and I. Not physical yet verbal, things would be thrown. It was getting progressively worse. My daughter was 16 at the time and would often try to diffuse the situation. Coming down from her room and talking to both of us. How sad the environment that she had to live in. One evening she was in the kitchen and the fireworks started with us in the living room. He grabbed the keys to the car and was going to leave. I knew that he was drunk and he already had 3 OUIs. I picked up the glass ashtray that was sitting on the coffee table and chucked it at the wall next to the door. At the same time, my daughter was heading towards him to also try to stop him from leaving. The ashtray caught her in the head and shattered. I was so drunk and I remember her kneeling down on the floor and the blood pouring. My husband drove her to the hospital and after I sat there in the fog not believing what just happened followed in a cab. We spent the next 5 hours there with her having an MRI and getting 16 stitches to her forehead. Our story to the hospital was that she fell down the stairs with a glass in her hand and it shattered. Believe me, the doctor knew better but with all our stories in alignment they accepted it. When he was done and giving me discharge instructions he looked at me and said "She's one lucky little girl, one inch to the right and she wouldn't be here right now. One inch lower and she would have lost her left eye". I was mortified. I was sick to my stomach, I was the lowest life on earth. I stayed home with her over the next week and I was determined that I would never touch another drop of alcohol. I had scarred her for life and could have killed her or blinded her. I have never felt that level of remorse and was concerned about what it would do to her for the rest of her life, both physically and emotionally. There was resolve that the one thing that I could do was to never pick up another drink again.
Fast forward to three Fridays after the "event". She was on the mend, seemed to be ok, and had been rechecked and had the stitches removed. She was elated that I had quit drinking. That weekend she was staying somewhere away from home and then it started.
That voice. "Hey, if she had never gotten in between you two that would have never happened. You didn't throw the ashtray at her, she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You love her to the ends of the earth, you are a good mom, you would take it back but you can't and she's going to be alright. Just one drink won't hurt, in fact, it will make all these bad feelings go away, just one, well, maybe just a few, and she's not here so she doesn't need to know".
and so it began. I hid it well from her for a while but she eventually caught on. That was the beginning of the end of the bond and closeness that we had as a mother and daughter. We talked and acted like nothing ever happened but never regained that closeness until 5/27 of this year when I truly quit and am actively working with her on sobriety.
So, if I, under the circumstances was not able to combat the AV and picked up a drink, if anything as bad or less than that comes calling, what are you going to do with the absence of a plan to combat your AV? It's just that powerful and all encompassing.
Don't take it for granted and be confident that you can just take it as it comes.
Be prepared, please. Without a plan you will fail. My plan is the only difference between picking up or not picking up that first drink.
Part of my plan is SR. I'm so thankful for this place and that you're all here. My life has never been better.
I've struggled with ever admitting this ever, to anyone. There are very few people who know about it but if it even helps one person it's worth it. The power of the AV (addictive voice) is all encompassing. If what I did could be hidden and squelched in the depths of my mind by the AV it's testimony to why it should not be taken lightly, nor with the attitude of dealing with it when the time comes.
Years ago I was married to a chronic alcoholic. My own drinking was horrific at that time, seven days a week and close to the loss of my job. This is the point in my life where I passed the doorway of wanting to drink and needing to drink.
There were fights between my husband and I. Not physical yet verbal, things would be thrown. It was getting progressively worse. My daughter was 16 at the time and would often try to diffuse the situation. Coming down from her room and talking to both of us. How sad the environment that she had to live in. One evening she was in the kitchen and the fireworks started with us in the living room. He grabbed the keys to the car and was going to leave. I knew that he was drunk and he already had 3 OUIs. I picked up the glass ashtray that was sitting on the coffee table and chucked it at the wall next to the door. At the same time, my daughter was heading towards him to also try to stop him from leaving. The ashtray caught her in the head and shattered. I was so drunk and I remember her kneeling down on the floor and the blood pouring. My husband drove her to the hospital and after I sat there in the fog not believing what just happened followed in a cab. We spent the next 5 hours there with her having an MRI and getting 16 stitches to her forehead. Our story to the hospital was that she fell down the stairs with a glass in her hand and it shattered. Believe me, the doctor knew better but with all our stories in alignment they accepted it. When he was done and giving me discharge instructions he looked at me and said "She's one lucky little girl, one inch to the right and she wouldn't be here right now. One inch lower and she would have lost her left eye". I was mortified. I was sick to my stomach, I was the lowest life on earth. I stayed home with her over the next week and I was determined that I would never touch another drop of alcohol. I had scarred her for life and could have killed her or blinded her. I have never felt that level of remorse and was concerned about what it would do to her for the rest of her life, both physically and emotionally. There was resolve that the one thing that I could do was to never pick up another drink again.
Fast forward to three Fridays after the "event". She was on the mend, seemed to be ok, and had been rechecked and had the stitches removed. She was elated that I had quit drinking. That weekend she was staying somewhere away from home and then it started.
That voice. "Hey, if she had never gotten in between you two that would have never happened. You didn't throw the ashtray at her, she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You love her to the ends of the earth, you are a good mom, you would take it back but you can't and she's going to be alright. Just one drink won't hurt, in fact, it will make all these bad feelings go away, just one, well, maybe just a few, and she's not here so she doesn't need to know".
and so it began. I hid it well from her for a while but she eventually caught on. That was the beginning of the end of the bond and closeness that we had as a mother and daughter. We talked and acted like nothing ever happened but never regained that closeness until 5/27 of this year when I truly quit and am actively working with her on sobriety.
So, if I, under the circumstances was not able to combat the AV and picked up a drink, if anything as bad or less than that comes calling, what are you going to do with the absence of a plan to combat your AV? It's just that powerful and all encompassing.
Don't take it for granted and be confident that you can just take it as it comes.
Be prepared, please. Without a plan you will fail. My plan is the only difference between picking up or not picking up that first drink.
Part of my plan is SR. I'm so thankful for this place and that you're all here. My life has never been better.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Thank you for sharing what was likely difficult to write Lady. And thank you for reminding us how all bloody consuming the pull to drink can be. As I struggle with frustration over a still drinking family member's drinking (how angry I actually am as it is not only affecting her health but young folks in her care)...your post reminds me of the very ugly nature of addiction. Despite my own struggles, we can sometimes be blinded by our own logical train of thought. Addiction defies logic as its roots are in emotion. The formidable force of addiction should never be minimized.
My mother once said (in speaking of my father's gambling addiction)..the only thing more powerful than love...is addiction. I think she was onto something there.
My mother once said (in speaking of my father's gambling addiction)..the only thing more powerful than love...is addiction. I think she was onto something there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Thank you for the posts!
Nuudawn, that post was hard to type, and to read. Your mother can't be any more on the money.
I can't tell you how many times I used the phrase I'll quit after (insert the current excuse here), or giving in to the urge, thinking nothing of it prior to that incident. I just took into consideration that I was going to wake up with a hangover. Nothing more, nothing less.
You never know what's going to happen each and every time you allow yourself to pick up that first drink.
However, you can be sure that if you plan ahead of time and don't pick it up that you won't have to find out.
Nuudawn, that post was hard to type, and to read. Your mother can't be any more on the money.
I can't tell you how many times I used the phrase I'll quit after (insert the current excuse here), or giving in to the urge, thinking nothing of it prior to that incident. I just took into consideration that I was going to wake up with a hangover. Nothing more, nothing less.
You never know what's going to happen each and every time you allow yourself to pick up that first drink.
However, you can be sure that if you plan ahead of time and don't pick it up that you won't have to find out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Through my life experiences, this is what I have found to be true........
Just like one's "inner child" one's "AV" is a good therapy tool, but neither exists as separate entities...they're a part of the individual. The "AV" has no power except that which we give it; therefore there's no need for a plan; just don't give it any power.
(o:
NoelleR
Just like one's "inner child" one's "AV" is a good therapy tool, but neither exists as separate entities...they're a part of the individual. The "AV" has no power except that which we give it; therefore there's no need for a plan; just don't give it any power.
(o:
NoelleR
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I think the point was we as addicts instinctively, even subconsciously, give that AV power....
I know I needed a plan and support, and a little 'edjamactation', in order to become aware of that and break those old ways of thinking and of doing things
'Just stop doing that' is right, and it may help some...but it wasn't particularly helpful to me as a complete recovery method.
D
I know I needed a plan and support, and a little 'edjamactation', in order to become aware of that and break those old ways of thinking and of doing things
'Just stop doing that' is right, and it may help some...but it wasn't particularly helpful to me as a complete recovery method.
D
Mini Novel Post Writer
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by NoelleR 
Through my life experiences, this is what I have found to be true........
Just like one's "inner child" one's "AV" is a good therapy tool, but neither exists as separate entities...they're a part of the individual. The "AV" has no power except that which we give it; therefore there's no need for a plan; just don't give it any power.
(o:
NoelleR
Just like one's "inner child" one's "AV" is a good therapy tool, but neither exists as separate entities...they're a part of the individual. The "AV" has no power except that which we give it; therefore there's no need for a plan; just don't give it any power.
(o:
NoelleR
I completely get where your coming from. Back in 1995 when this happened there weren't a lot of the programs that there are today. I'm not even sure that the AV was recognized. I don't know for sure because the sum total of what I thought was that if you wanted to quit drinking all that you did was just stop. You went and sat in a chair at an AA meeting and listened to a bunch of drunks lament about how they couldn't drink, the common statement of someone who goes to an AA meeting and is not ready to quit.
My reference to having a plan is to not make the decision and think that you don't need any tools in order to achieve success, and to combat cravings. White knuckling it won't cut it. Going to treatment programs won't work if you aren't willing to do the work. Quitting and not taking action and being present will almost always result in failure.
You say that there's no need for a plan. Do you realize that your post, in and of itself, is a "plan"?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
"White knuckling it won't cut it. Going to treatment programs won't work if you aren't willing to do the work. Quitting and not taking action and being present will almost always result in failure."
Right in the bulls eye as far as I’m concerned! It’s “half measures avail us nothing.” I push a lot the concept of self honesty for this part of our lives and at times because of this AV hiding so well it’s hard to see/feel. About a dozen years after I stopped drinking I happen to be going past a very old friends house who I had not visited in several years. It was Friday and the week and particularly day was quite stressful. At the last moment I swung down his drive way to say hello. BFTGOG I stopped and asked myself what the heck was I doing? He’s a person who will greet me with a full open bottle of whisky! REVERSE direction immediately! I write this because I haven’t had a desire to drink in many years and to me it shows this AV thing awaits to ambush us in a heartbeat left unprepared.
Right in the bulls eye as far as I’m concerned! It’s “half measures avail us nothing.” I push a lot the concept of self honesty for this part of our lives and at times because of this AV hiding so well it’s hard to see/feel. About a dozen years after I stopped drinking I happen to be going past a very old friends house who I had not visited in several years. It was Friday and the week and particularly day was quite stressful. At the last moment I swung down his drive way to say hello. BFTGOG I stopped and asked myself what the heck was I doing? He’s a person who will greet me with a full open bottle of whisky! REVERSE direction immediately! I write this because I haven’t had a desire to drink in many years and to me it shows this AV thing awaits to ambush us in a heartbeat left unprepared.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Fearing the AV, dreading it, never letting your guard down, all of these things give power to our addictive voice. We get to decide that the AV is powerless, and the decision can be made in an instant.
The plan can be very simple, permanent, and irrevocable. I will never again drink, no matter what, and I will never change my mind. Say it, and listen - that silent wail of fear and self doubt inside is the whining, wheedling, pleading, begging, dying voice of addiction. It is powerless to act because you have that power.
You can do this. This life that is free of addiction and shame is there for you to take, to seize, and never let go.
The plan can be very simple, permanent, and irrevocable. I will never again drink, no matter what, and I will never change my mind. Say it, and listen - that silent wail of fear and self doubt inside is the whining, wheedling, pleading, begging, dying voice of addiction. It is powerless to act because you have that power.
You can do this. This life that is free of addiction and shame is there for you to take, to seize, and never let go.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
FS57. "Fearing the AV, dreading it, never letting your guard down, all of these things give power to our addictive voice. We get to decide that the AV is powerless, and the decision can be made in an instant."
My problem is that when these forums are longforgotten my AV is still there and my built in forgetter kicks in and my long term being sober is gone if I'm a true alcoholic. I /we need to remember this disease is cunning, baffling and insidious awaiting an opportunity to invite us back.
My problem is that when these forums are longforgotten my AV is still there and my built in forgetter kicks in and my long term being sober is gone if I'm a true alcoholic. I /we need to remember this disease is cunning, baffling and insidious awaiting an opportunity to invite us back.
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